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Team found himself standing in front of Win’s door for the third time this week. He knew how late it was, and every second he hesitated it became even later. But he couldn’t bring himself to knock on the door, even though it was right in front of him.
He brought his hand up to softly rest on the door, being careful not to make any noise. It would be so easy to knock, and then in seconds he would see the face that makes everything okay.But it was too hard. The inner turmoil he always felt when he found himself standing here, felt so bad that sometimes the thought of knocking put an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Every time he did this he felt like he was bothering him, and no matter how many times Win promised he wasn’t, he still felt it. He wasn’t really sure why Win put up with him, and he knew he could never ask to find out of the answer.
He was only planning on staying for a few more minutes, hoping the imaginary closeness would ease his insomnia into something slightly more manageable. But minutes turned into a half hour before he felt he could actually leave without dying.
Just as Team went to move his hand from the door and make his way back to his room, he felt the soft buzz of a text message from his pocket. He thought it was strange that anyone else would be up at this hour, but quickly pulled it out to check. His heart ached as he saw who it was from, and quickly opened the message to read it.
Are you awake? It was so simple, but to Team it felt like so much more. He fought through his beating heart before replying, yes, why are you awake? He heard the ding of his message being received through the door, and he started to feel like some kind of creep. He backed away from Win’s room, finally deciding he should make his way back to his dorm before this got any more weird.
He had only made it halfway down the hall before he heard a door opening behind him. Before he even looked, he knew it was Win and he about had a heart attack. He knew he had about three seconds to get his shit together before the confrontation happened, but three seconds was no where close to enough.
He heard Win turning away from the door after locking it and braced for whatever was going to happen. Shoulders tense, he waited for the inevitable.
“Team? Is that you?”
He asked so softly, and the tone of worry made Team felt like he could face him. He turned around, and he was right earlier when he thought just seeing his face would make everything okay, because it did. He found it slightly ridiculous how just seeing his face made him feel lighter, less tormented.
Win ran up to join him further down the hallway, “I was just about to come over…” he took a second to look him over, noticing the red eyes and messed up hair, “were you thinking the same thing?” His sweet smile made Team want to cry, all of his emotions seemed to blend together and he couldn’t differentiate them in the overstimulation.
Team felt like he couldn’t even talk, just nodding his head to avoid letting out his tears. Win didn’t miss a thing, and he could tell that he was holding it all back. He hated seeing him like this, but he knew it was something he had been dealing with for a long time. He would do anything to help, and it seemed like the sleeping together was helping, but it was something that he knew would take more time to actually get it under actual control.
Stepping slightly closer, Win held out his hand. “Sleep here tonight?” Every time Win said this, which lately it had been a lot, he wanted to say yes right away. It was basically the only thing he wanted, which is why he battled so hard with himself to answer.
He felt like he couldn’t answer, just staring into Win’s eyes instead. He knew he loved him; it wasn’t like he was in denial. After becoming teammates, they easily became friends. He found himself wanting to spend every second of the day together, and every second of the night away from him was a struggle.
Win couldn’t take the silence anymore, and he stepped closer. “Team… come here.” At this, Team all but fell into his embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around Win’s waist as he buried his head into his shoulder. The tears escaped his eyes and he sobbed into Win’s shirt, hands tightening with every shake.
Win just held him back, a strong reassuring hold. He started to rub his hands down his back, hoping to ease some of the stress. It was ever so hard to see Team like this, every fiber in his being begging him to try and make it better. But it wasn’t something that got better in one moment, and he tried to remind himself just to be there for him, every time.
As the sobs quieted down, Team started to pull back and Win couldn’t help but lean down to press his forehead into his. Team still had his eyes closed, but Win didn’t need to see them to know they were a little brighter than they had been before. They both stood still there, connected and calm for as long as the moment would let them.
Win brought his hands up to rub at the tear-streaked face just in front of him, pressing a soft kiss onto each cheek immediately after. The sensation of the kisses made Team feel weak, dizzy even. The skin was already so sensitive from the crying, and he sighed into the touch of his lips, silently wishing that he would press one onto his lips.
“I will tell you as many times as you need me too,” Win whispered as he pulled Team back into a tight embrace, “I want you. I want you here, with me. Always. You don’t have to worry or think about it.”
Team tried to force a small smile, finding it easier than replying with words. After a second, he found it wasn’t so forced after all, finding it easy to smile at Win when he was holding him like that. Still, Win could tell it wasn’t an easy task, and he leaned back to look into Team’s now slightly open eyes.
“It’s okay to cry, but maybe lets go inside my room, yeah? Get out of the cold hallway?” He ended each question very open, if only to remind Team that he was the one in control of everything. After managing a slight nod, Win lead them both back to the door that Team had been standing in front of just minutes earlier.
Stepping through the door, Team was met with such a sense a familiarity that his smile was feeling more and more genuine. Sliding off his shoes, he immediately went to hide under Win’s covers, seeking the instant relief of his pillow on his face. It felt so soothing, and he couldn’t help but let out a relieved hum and sink farther into it.
Content with Win’s pillow, Team hadn’t noticed that Win had walked over to the bathroom until he heard him rummaging around for something. As he looked up to where the sound was coming from he squinted his eyes. The room was dark, but the light from the slightly open bathroom door was hitting him right in the eyes. Closing them, he tried to relax into the sheets and wait for him to come back.
He jolted at the soft feeling of cold at the back of hit neck. He stilled slightly, but turned around to look up at Win sitting on the side of the bed next to him. Now having access to the rest of his face, Win brought the washcloth to Team’s cheeks. He tried his best to softly wash away the stained lines of tears that were lining his skin, and the delicacy of the movements almost made Team cry again.
“Hia… why are you so good to me?” His voice was so scratchy from crying, but it was still so quiet that Win could barely hear him. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to take care of me all the time… I don’t want my problems to burden you.”
Every word felt like a pin going through Win’s heart, and his hand shook a little as heard Team go silent once again. Setting the cloth to the side, he maneuvered Team so that he was sitting in his lap on the bed. Team’s compliancy worried him slightly, but he had so much he needed to say.
“Do you really want to know why I am so good to you?”
Team honestly didn’t expect him to say that. Sure, he was half expecting some sweet passive words or maybe even just more silence, but he didn’t think there would actually be a reason. Did he even want to know? There wasn’t anything he could think it would be, and any ulterior motives or selfish reasons fell flat. Win was too good a person to ever do something with malice, but still, there was no reason he should spend so much time caring for him the way he does.
“Tell me, please.”
His voice ached with desperation and Win couldn’t help but pull Teams face back up off his shoulder, forcing him to look him in the eyes so he could see the honestly in his gaze and hear it in his words.
“Team… I love you. I’m in love with you.”
His voice broke, an obvious stumble in the words, and while there was relief in the confession, he still felt scared. Even in the darkness Win could see Team’s eyes widen, as he began to fully understand what he said. The lack of movement on both their parts led the atmosphere getting rather tense, and neither wanted to move or say anything. For just this once, they were thankful to be mostly hidden in the darkness.
“Hia… do you really mean that? H-how can you…”
He was interrupted with a solid kiss, one meant to portray every feeling that had ever gone unsaid. Every look quickly turned away, and touches that were only in his imagination became real in an instant. The moment was much too quick, but he knew there would never be enough time to show him how much he loved him. They parted reluctantly, resting their foreheads together to share a shallow breath.
“Is it such a surprise?” His grin could be felt even in the dark, and Team could hear the faintest laugh in the question. He was about to answer back honestly, that yes it was surprise, and that yes it made absolutely no sense, but Win was never one to let him talk down about himself.
“It would be impossible for me not to fall in love with you Team… You bring a joy to life that I had long given up on finding. You are the most amazing person I have ever met, and you’ve made it so I can’t imagine a day without you.”
As he spoke, Team’s grip on Win’s shirt tightened, and his once even breath became shaky. After spending so much time together, Team’s cues were like second nature to Win. Most people would have a hard time with the silence in these moments, but as he continued to talk there was no confusion on what he was feeling.
“You motivate me. In my swimming, in my studies. In the way I treat people, in the way I treat myself. I love you. It’s not surprising.”
With his face now so close, Win leaned in to kiss Team again. No longer in disbelief, Team pushed into the kiss and his grip let up to bring his hands up to his face. Trying to copy the softness of Win’s movements from earlier, he held the back of his neck like a lifeline. Lips moved over each other as slow as they dared, and the salty taste from Team’s tears melded in between breaths.
“This doesn’t feel the same as it normally does… is it the same for you?” Team asked, as they broke apart for a short moment. Win knew immediately what he meant, but the opportunity to pull it out of him was impossible to ignore. Moving back and angling his head to the side, he hummed at him in question.
“How so?” He held back the smile that was fighting it’s way onto his face, and tried his best to feign ignorance. Team wasn’t prepared to explain, and he could feel the flush dance across his cheeks. It was moments like these, where in the past he wouldn’t. He would evade and ignore until it went away. But the emotions he felt now, for the first time, weren’t indescribable. He didn’t feel conflicted, and it empowered him. The soft skin in his hands and the ache of swollen lips grounded him to the moment, and his thoughts easily became words.
“All this time, I couldn’t let myself fully love you. I was scared. Scared of so many things. How could you love me? And even if you did, how could I be good for you? I didn’t think we made sense, even though I felt a pull to you that was more natural than breathing. I was so confused Win… I’ve been in love with you for so long. I don’t even remember not loving you.”
After a moment, they both let out a sigh of relief. It wasn’t like they had lacked communication in their relationship, but everything was always overshadowed by that nagging feeling that it wouldn’t be anything more than what it was. They both were always making sure things were okay, leaving room for an out, but in reality neither had wanted an out. The time they shared together, it wasn’t enough and it had been weighing down on them for so long without them realizing it.
Being the tease he is, Win pushed at Team’s shoulders to lay him down on the bed, out of the tight hold he had been in for the past minutes. Looming over him now, he leaned down to press a soft kiss on his forehead and after holding it for a second too long Team whined up at him to knock it off.
“So we love each other?” His snarky tone felt so surreal that Team smiled as he relaxed into the soft sheets.
“Yeah, we love each other.”
Only in this moment did it all seem calm. It also seemed late, and Win swore he could see Team fighting off the first hint of sleepiness. The sight brought him genuine joy, and he hoped he would be able to see this more often.
Sliding over next to him, he pulled him close into his arms. The normalcy in their maneuvering was soothing, and as he pulled the duvet up over them he too felt the tiredness of the hour.
“Sleep with me?” The question meant nothing, as it was obvious they were going to be asleep in the next few minutes, but Team hummed a quiet reassurance into Win’s chest where he was held. Win knew they only had a few hours before they had to be up for school, but he had a solid feeling that they would be the best hours of sleep either of them had ever gotten.