Work Text:
one.
Having written more than a thousand words already for his research paper, Joshua decides to take a break. He closes his laptop and pulls out a small storage box from his desk drawer. There’s an unfinished bracelet lying at the small corner of his bead box. He picks it up, smiling softly at the elephant charm that hangs on the fragile thread.
He’s back at typing more words and reading far more words when Jeonghan walks into his room and goes straight to Joshua’s bed. “My exams and deadlines got scattered for the rest of the month.” He mumbles into the pillows. “How ‘bout you?”
“Hmm,” he finishes one last sentence before he turns to Jeonghan, “I’m almost finished with this one research paper, so that leaves for one short essay and a couple of exams in the 2nd week.”
“Why do you have less load than me?”
“Unlike you, I enrolled during the Summer break so I get to take it easy this time.” He chuckles, spinning his chair back to face his desk. He opens a drawer.
Jeonghan groans at that, then sits up, “I’m gonna be too busy this month.”
“You’ll be okay,” was Joshua’s response but then he meets Jeonghan’s eyes and the meaning dawns on him: I won’t get to see you as much as I want to.
It shakes him a bit; heart still trying to comprehend what he thought was never gonna happen. Because three months ago, their world shifted in its axis and Joshua is yet to get used to it. He’s yet to get used to the way Jeonghan’s words had morphed into something more. He’s yet to get used to the glimmer of his eyes, one that has become brighter and more blinding, when he tells him, “here, it’s for you.”
Jeonghan takes the bracelet from his hand, “you know I was just joking last time,” he says but the rise of his cheekbones tells Joshua how much he likes it.
“I know.” I wanted to make one for you, anyway.
two.
The thing about Jeonghan is that he would never admit that he gets lonely easily. He doesn't like needing people, so he doesn't show it. But mere denial of how he feels doesn't really make it go away. And Joshua, in his three months of dating him and for the past 7 years of being his best friend, has learned that Jeonghan copes by playing evil.
Instead of just outright telling people that he misses them, Jeonghan decides, 90% of the time, to choose chaos. He shows affection mostly by annoying people — or just Joshua, really, because as Jeonghan admitted, in one of his rare moments of being vulnerably honest, that he had found himself always longing for Joshua. ("Your presence grounds me. You feel solid and tangible. Like you’re just there, even when you’re not. And so it makes me miss you way too much. Does that make sense?”) It does, because Joshua always kind of gets him even when no one else does.
So when Jeonghan spams him with text messages saying 'SOS' with an ambulance siren emoji, three days since they last saw each other, Joshua knows better than to believe there's an actual emergency. And yet , he indulges him. (He always does.) He sends a quick, where are u? And hurries himself to their university’s library after reading Jeonghan’s reply.
When he arrives there, he easily spots the mop of brown hair sprawled over papers and books. He bites his lip to keep it from curving upward, and instead, tries to school his expression into annoyance. But then he gets closer, and Jeonghan is pouting, so Joshua kind of already fails to be annoyed. That’s why when he speaks, the words sound more playful than irked.
“SOS? Really?”
Jeonghan perks up, almost beaming — almost, because he remembers how he's playing a pretend emergency. And Joshua really just wants to laugh at his face.
So he does, because he can. Jeonghan’s lips protrude more than ever and he wants to kiss it away. "How can you laugh during an emergency?"
"What emergency, you're just being a whiny five-year old."
"I'm dyinggg." Jeonghan whines, unintentionally proving his point, and slumps in his seat when he realizes it. And Joshua can't help the smile that blooms on his face, soft, endeared and loving.
He realizes, for the nth time since he's known him, that he's incredibly in love with Jeonghan.
He takes the seat next to his boyfriend, and glances at the notes scattered across the table, "I don't think real and personal property can kill you right now."
"You don't know that."
"I think I do."
"I'm tired."
"Then rest."
Jeonghan looks at him, then, like he wants to say something. And Joshua hears the words before it even leaves his mouth. So he moves his chair closer to his and reaches out to rest Jeonghan's head on his shoulder.
three.
It’s been a week since they met up in the library. Jeonghan has an exam at 7AM and Joshua is already in line at McDonald’s at 6:40AM when he receives a text.
From: hannie [6:40AM]
> i woke up late
> sorry i missed your calls
To: hannie [6:40AM]
it’s okay, i called to wake you up <
just hurry so you won’t be late to your exam <
From: hannie [6:41AM]
> im alr walking
> i missed breakfast tho
> im hungry
To: hannie [6:41AM]
i know <
He puts his phone down, and right on time since it’s finally his turn to order food. He bought two breakfast meals for takeout, and honestly, it should no longer be surprising at this point.
Jeonghan still looks surprised though, when he sees Joshua in front of his classroom a few minutes before his examination starts. (He made it on time, living just 15 minutes away from campus). He squints at him, and Joshua just smiles, acting innocent. “What?”
“It’s Thursday.” His best friend says, incredulous. Someone coughs behind them, letting them know that they’re blocking the entrance. So Jeonghan guides him to the side, before continuing, “It’s 7AM. You don’t have classes until 1PM.”
Joshua shrugs, bringing the paper bags to Jeonghan’s eye-level. “I brought you breakfast. And I know what day and time it is. I have a phone, dumbass." He pushes the bags to the other, who continues staring at him. He shakes it, trying to snap his beloved out of his thoughts. "You’re welcome.”
He watches as Jeonghan opens his mouth, then closes it; observes the way he heaves a sigh. And when his boyfriend opens his arms, Joshua moves to wrap his own around him.
“You’re too good to me." The brunette whispers against his neck, "I love you," he adds. And it takes Joshua's breath away.
Sometimes, when Jeonghan says the words, he feels a little bit overwhelmed. Like he still can’t believe he gets to hear it. After all those years of pining and thinking that his best friend won’t ever see him that way, it still comes as a shock to him whenever he’s reminded that Jeonghan loves him back.
He wants to say: you deserve it. I love you. But his chest feels heavy with affection, trapping the words in his chest; so Joshua simply hugs him tighter, hoping the action will say enough.
four.
If you ask him, Joshua will say that Jeonghan’s voice is more calming than his, more comforting. He loves listening to his voice at any point of the day, be it his teasing remarks, his whining, his dramatic story-telling, his laugh, or the way Jeonghan tells him he cares about him. Joshua loves hearing all of it. That’s why whenever Jeonghan asks him to sing, he finds himself itching to ask why.
“Your singing makes everything better.” Jeonghan says, voice raspy and tired from having a long day. “You make everything better.” He continues, as if to further explain, as if he heard the thoughts floating inside Joshua’s head.
And just like that, his thoughts started overwriting itself: it reminds him of all the times Jeonghan found comfort in him, in his voice and his presence. It reminds him of how he always forgets this; how he got so used to loving Jeonghan from afar that he failed to see just how much he loves him back. But now he knows, and although he still forgets, he’s glad that his best friend — his boyfriend — is always there to remind him. Because where Joshua loves quietly and through actions, Jeonghan loves through words that are so audibly palpable Joshua swears he can touch it. Because it touches him.
He wonders if Jeonghan could feel it too; could see it in the way Joshua picks up his guitar just for him.
“Pick a song,” he says, while checking if his guitar is still in tune. Jeonghan flips on his stomach, body sprawled over Joshua’s bed. His forehead creases like it usually does whenever he’s thinking. And Joshua reaches out to relax the muscle, as if on instinct, “don’t think too much.”
He sees how Jeonghan visibly softens at his touch, melting, and Joshua’s heart swells in his chest, aches. I love you.
“Mhm, you pick anything then. Just, sing a song for me, yeah?”
So he does .
♫ “And in the morning, you adored me 'til the sun went down, and then I knew you were the one I couldn't live without,”
And his skin burns — more from Jeonghan’s stare rather than the way the guitar strings rub against his fingertips, or the way the instrument rests on his thigh.
♫ “ If I'm honest, it felt like love, ”
He stares back at him.
♫ “I'm right here, darling, don't you worry 'bout a thing, don't you worry 'bout a thing,”
He wants to let Jeonghan know that this is something he wants to say to him . He wants to tell him about all the times he felt like he’s in love, and that one time it truly dawned on him; how it ached, and how it still aches sometimes.
♫ “It's us against the world…”
But as always, the words remain trapped in his chest; swimming in the overwhelming love he has for him. So he lets himself borrow someone else’s words, lets his fingers strum the chords written by someone else.
And then he hopes — wishes — that they’d get the message across.
(Deep in his heart, he believes this. Because he knows Jeonghan also understands him in ways that no one else can.)
five.
It’s 2 in the morning when Joshua’s phone rings from his bedside table. His exams are finally over so he’s free to sleep at a decent hour. Sometimes, he offers to stay up late to accompany Jeonghan in his late night study sessions; but the latter always refuses, saying that he’d rather see Joshua get some proper rest. So seeing his phone screen light up at 2AM, telling him that hannie is calling him makes him more worried than happy.
He answers the call, and when he hears a sniffle, Joshua’s heart drops. “What happened?” He asks, ever so gently. He could hear him taking a deep breath, probably trying to control his voice, to not let it break. Joshua hears a pounding against his ribcage. It hurts.
“I fell asleep and I’m just -” Jeonghan’s voice catches in his throat, “just being stupid,” he mumbles, voice cracking. “I’m sorry I woke you up. It was just a bad dream.”
“It’s not ‘just’ a bad dream if it made you cry.”
“It’s -” there's a sharp intake of breath before he hears it: “it’s that dream again.”
It’s one of those times that Joshua wishes he’s good with words.
He thinks back to the first time Jeonghan told him about his recurring nightmare: how it starts with his parents fighting, with him covering his sister’s ears, trying to protect her from the harsh words, the curses. His dad leaves, and there’s a slam of the door. He never came back. It’s a cruel reality that made itself at home in Jeonghan’s subconscious.
When they started dating, the dream also started to include Joshua. Time and space distort in Jeonghan’s head and then suddenly, it’s the two of them fighting, there’s no one to protect Jeonghan. Joshua leaves, and the slam of the door sounds louder than ever.
His thoughts get interrupted when Jeonghan speaks again, "I just wanted to hear your voice." I just want to know it's not real. I just want to make sure you're still with me.
"I know," he whispers into the phone, voice as gentle as it could be despite his worrying. He takes a deep breath, "I'm coming over."
plus one.
They're cuddling in Jeonghan's bed while watching a movie on his laptop. It's been a couple of hours since he arrived there — a couple of hours since he enveloped Jeonghan in a tight embrace and kissed him with his whole heart.
Joshua wishes he could kiss all his worries away. But he can't, so he settles for this: holding Jeonghan's tiny hands, petting his hair, allowing him to rest his head on Joshua's chest as he slowly falls back asleep.
He settled in moving the laptop away so he could move him in a much more comfortable position.
He thinks he's being careful until Jeonghan moves on his own, eyes half-open and looking at him. "Thank you," he mumbles, as Joshua wraps him in his arms again, "for making me feel safe and cared for. Like, with you, I don't have to worry about anything."
Joshua places a soft kiss on the crown of his head.
"Jeonghan…"
"Hmm?"
“You know I love you, right?”
Jeonghan looks up at him, eyes crinkling with the way his lips curl up into a soft smile.
"I know."