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Chapter One – You’re Still Written in the Scars on my Heart.
Walking beside the tall, wrought iron fence surrounding the cemetery, Buffy hears a clock chiming midnight in the distance. “Huh. The witching hour!” she thinks to herself with quiet, wry laugh. Then she feels it, and stops in her tracks. It’s there. The prickling on the back of her neck and the small pull behind her navel as if a magnet were nestled there. She had wondered whether she’d still have that feeling or if it would have been lost to her. But there it was. In some ways it might have been better if she couldn’t feel it. It wasn’t a comfort like she’d hoped – it was an ache. A painful reminder of yet one more thing she’s lost.
She starts walking again, slowly. Buffy knows that Angel is aware she’s felt him, the connection is still there - he’ll have felt her, too - and he’ll catch up to her in no time.
“You know, I was right. Years ago. I told you, ‘You never take me anywhere new’ and whaddayaknow! A cemetery! In a different town so I’ll give you a little credit, but y’know, once you’ve seen one tombstone you’ve seen ‘em all.” He ignores this, as she knew he would. His long strides have him overtake her in seconds and he stops in front of her, turning towards her and looking deeply into her face, drinking her in. For some reason Buffy can’t meet Angel’s gaze for more than a second and has to drop her eyes to the sidewalk.
“Buffy” he says. Her name is barely audible, little more than a sigh, “When Dawn called and told me, I didn’t really believe it. And even when we spoke on the phone I still… How? Why?”
“How? Willow. And why? Because she can now, I guess,” she shrugs and starts to move around him, to keep walking. “Apparently the gang thought I needed rescuing; thought I was in some kinda hell… type place.” She finds it awkward, as she knew she would, to talk about this. Hell dimensions. She flashes back to just over three years ago and sees a bright, orange swirling light engulf Angel and drag him away from her. “Look,” Buffy says quickly, wanting to get past this bit as quickly as possible. “I don’t know how much of this you know, Angel, but Glory wanted to use Dawn to open a portal to her own dimension. A hell dimension. I was too late. By the time I got to Dawn the portal had been opened and Dawn was bleeding. A dragon was flying around, Angel, lightning was striking buildings and demons were appearing everywhere!”
They’d fallen into step beside each other and walked close together around the cemetery fence.
“Once Dawn’s blood started the portal the only thing that would close it was her blood running out. I stood there with hell on Earth falling around us and I realised what I had to do as a sister, a friend, to save the world. I realised what I had to do as The Slayer. For the first time in six years, I truly felt like the Chosen One and knew only I could end it. So… I ran. I jumped. And, and I died. I guess because it was a portal to hell that I jumped into the guys figured that’s where I went. After.”
He stopped walking.
“What?” Buffy said, stopping alongside him.
“Why didn’t they tell me, ask me?”
“Ask you what? To help bring me back?” Buffy asks, confused.
“No, not to help. But to give them information. Who else do they know that’s been to hell?” He looks at her with anxiety in his eyes. “Buffy, you weren’t in hell, were you?”
She meets his eyes and then shakes her head, sadly, and drops her gaze again.
“How do you know?” she whispers.
“Your body was left here. You were buried on Earth. You weren’t pulled or dragged into another dimension when you jumped. Not like I was, with… Acathla and…” Angel drifts off. He tilts her chin up with his finger, looking into her eyes. “Where were you?” he whispers.
“I… I don’t know.” Buffy replies quietly. “I wasn’t anywhere, but I was everywhere. I wasn’t real, but I was still me. I just… was. I knew I was happy, and I knew I was loved. I knew Dawn, Giles, everyone was okay. I was at peace. I wasn’t The Slayer – I was just… Buffy. And I was done, complete.” Buffy sees the sadness and shock in Angel's face as she says these words. But suddenly she looks at him, fiercely, and with a bite of venom in her voice she says: “I might not have been me, or real, or whatever I was but, Angel, I had my feelings and my memories.” Buffy looks directly into Angel’s eyes, “Even memories that I didn’t have when I was on Earth.”
Chapter Two – We Could Have Had It All
Angel feels panicked. He knows exactly what Buffy means by that. Why wouldn’t he? It’s a memory he visits daily and a decision he questions almost as often. But how does she know? It wasn’t just a memory Buffy was mystically made to forget, it was a day – a whole 24 hours – erased from being, time was folded to ensure The Powers kept their Champions at the cost of Angel’s humanity and, much worse, the cost of his heart’s desire too. What to do? Should he feign innocence, claim he has no idea what she’s talking about? He’s not ready for this conversation, already being blindsided by Buffy’s resurrection, and never having imagined she’d ever know, ever remember, that day. That one perfect day. Maybe this is a good thing? Maybe this will no longer feel like a burden on his already over-burdened soul. Maybe he and Buffy can share this memory and, somehow, use it as comfort. Though how having your happy ending ripped away from you could ever be a comfort he doesn’t know.
“Angel?” He hears Buffy call his name as if from far away. “Angel, hello? Are you there? Earth to Angel!” she snaps impatiently. He gives his head a small shake to clear the thick fog of possibilities swirling in his brain.
“How do you know about that? The Powers folded time. It didn’t happen.” He asks, confused.
“I don’t know how I know what I shouldn’t know, I just know that I do know.” Buffy wrinkles her face at what she’s just said. Her nose crinkles in that adorable way that makes Angel want to kiss it. “You know what I mean,” she shrugs.
He just looks at her, with no idea what to say. For once, he doesn’t know what it is Buffy wants to hear from him, he doesn’t know how to make this better. He turns away from her.
“How could you?” he hears her whisper. Angel spins back around to look at Buffy and her eyes are full of tears. “How could you take that away from us?”
“Buffy, I was doing what I thought was right –”
“Exactly, what you thought was right! What about me? What about what I thought, what I wanted? Or was being The Powers' favourite little Champion more important than me? Than us?”
“A Champion?” Angel asks angrily. “It wasn’t about being a Champion. It was about you! Everything is about you Buffy. In just 24 hours I’d already nearly died, and you had to rescue me. This isn’t about that.” He cuts her off before she can say anything. “It’s not about feeling useless or being weaker than you. It’s about the risks you’d take to keep me safe. Buffy, at some point you’d have been in the same position you were in with Dawn. You’d have had to choose between me or saving the world. We’ve seen each other die too many times already,” Angel finishes sadly.
“And what? I wasn’t mature enough to make that decision alongside you? Again, you thought I was just some lovesick child who wouldn’t be able to make decisions for the greater good. You took 24 hours to decide that being human wasn’t the easy out you thought it would be, that it came with too many risks, so you gave it up.” Buffy turns and starts walking again.
Angel knows she isn’t walking away from him, but needs something to do, to no longer just stand still on the sidewalk. He turns and follows after her.
“It wasn’t like that, Buffy. You have the knowledge of that day now; you know it wasn’t like that.”
“Do you know how many times I’ve lost you, Angel? Four! Four times.” Was it really four times he’s left her, one way or another, he wondered, shocked. “And this time, I dunno, it’s just harder. When I was… wherever I was, and I had the memory of that day it was… I don’t know how to explain. It was wonderful. It didn’t matter that it was only 24 hours, or that it was erased and that we didn’t get that happy ever after. It didn’t matter because I was dead and gone.” Angel cringes at Buffy’s harsh, matter of fact words. “We couldn’t be together so the fact the day was erased didn’t matter, y’know? I just got to have the memory, and enjoy what was, or could have been or whatever. But now I’m back, and god! Angel, everything is so hard. It’s too difficult and I’m angry, so angry! I was done with all this. I was done with being The Slayer and saving the world. I was done with the pressure. I was done with wishing things had been different with us and trying to move on and no one ever measuring up to you.”
They keep walking in the dark, side by side. Then she turns suddenly, excitement lighting up her face. “Go back to them!”
“Go back to who?” Angel asks.
“The Powers. Go back and change it again. Change it back, Angel. Give us that day back, give us our lives together back again. Undo it.” Her tears are flowing freely now. Buffy adds in a small voice, “Please.”
He’s been aching to do it since he first saw her, and he finally folds her into his arms and kisses the top of her head, smelling the sweet smell of her coconut shampoo. “Buffy, they’re gone. The Oracles – the link to The Powers – are gone. Killed by an agent of Wolfram and Hart.”
Chapter Three – And That Is All I Can Do, But I’ll Remember
“Gone? But… no, there must be a way. A way to change it back. Magic? Or another demon? We can find another Mohra.” Buffy can hear the pleading in her voice, the desperation, but she doesn’t care. She’d been strong in front of Dawn, Willow, Xander, even Giles. She felt she had to be, like they thought she owed them something for bringing her back. Like she ought to be grateful to them. But with Angel she could let her guard down. She pulls away from his embrace and looks up into his chocolate-brown eyes. “Angel, please. We were happy! So happy. Don’t you want that back?”
“If there was a way for us to be together, that doesn’t risk your life or the lives of others, don’t you think I’d have thought of it by now? You’ve had this knowledge for weeks. I’ve had it for years. I think about it every day. Buffy, you and I… we don’t belong to ourselves. You know this. We belong out in the world, fighting.”
Buffy sighs, she knows he’s right. Now she’s back it all starts again. Patrolling, slaying, saving the world. And there’s always a sacrifice; Angel’s humanity, their happiness, her life. They stop and sit down on a bench, neither saying anything for a long, long time.
“Angel, how do you do it? How do you live your life knowing what we had? What we could have had?” Buffy remembers looking over her shoulder at a clock on the wall in Angel’s apartment, ticking towards 9am. The seconds moved quicker than they ought to have done, quicker than they should have been allowed to. She remembers asking the exact same questions back then.
“I don’t know. But I’ve been brooding for over 100 years, so I’ve had some practice,” he jokes, and Buffy manages a small, sad smile. The idea of leaving here, leaving him again and going back to life in Sunnydale is overwhelming and she feels the black cloud engulfing once more. “One day things will be different Buffy, I have to believe that. There’s a prophecy.” Buffy looks at him sceptically. They’ve both seen prophecies come and go. Some fulfilled, some averted. Some leaving her dead!
“A prophecy? Yeah, ‘cause they’re so reliable.” Buffy scoffs.
“Wesley’s looked into it. Extensively. It says the vampire with a soul, once he fulfils his destiny, will shanshu –”
“Shanshu?!”
“Become human, Buffy. It’s my reward. Well, we think it’s mine. Haven’t heard about another vampire with a soul skulking around anywhere, have you?” Angel smiles down at her. That cute little grin, rare and beautiful as summer snow, that has always melted her heart. “Somehow the battle will be won. Buffy,” he grabs her hands in his own, “then we’ll have our time. With no one and nothing trying to take it away. With no fighting every single day to protect the world. And no more sacrifice. For either of us. It was only 24 hours that I erased. Just twenty-four little hours. Twenty-four achingly perfect hours, sure, but in the future we’ll have hundreds – thousands – of hours.”
“So you’re basically telling me to be patient?” Buffy asks, raising an eyebrow.
“Uh, yeah. I guess I am.” And there’s that grin again.
“You’re pretty confident in this Shamu prophecy aren’t you? You think it’s the real deal?”
“Shamu?” he chuckles, “yes, I am. Do you think I’d be able to tell you to be patient and go back to your life without me if I didn’t know that it’s all temporary?”
“And what if things change? What if I meet someone? What if you meet someone?” she asks. The thought of Angel with anyone else actually makes her shiver a little in the chill night air.
“Doesn’t matter Buffy. We’re soulmates, don’t you know that by now? We’ll find our way back to each other. You're my girl. Always.” And he stands up and pulls her to her feet. Finally (finally!) Angel leans forward and kisses her, full on the mouth. Buffy melts into him, drawing him closer to her. Angel’s hand is at the small of her back, pulling her into him. Buffy realises her hands are in his hair, on the side of his face, holding his lips to hers. All too soon it’s over and they’re both breathless, wanting more.
Buffy sighs. She needs to get back to Sunnydale but leaving Angel is always the hardest thing she does, especially this time. Knowing what she’s going back to and what she’s leaving behind is almost too much to bear. Buffy looks at her watch, it’s almost 4am! Where did the time go?
“Angel, the sun will be up soon, you’d better go.”
“I’ve got some time” he says, and they sit back down together in the pre-dawn quiet, Angel’s hand wrapped around her own.
Eventually, once again, time is no longer on their side and they both stand up, still grasping each other’s hand.
“Well…” Buffy says.
“Well,” Angel repeats, and they’re kissing again now. Gently, tenderly. As much as it’s a kiss, it’s also a ‘goodbye’. Without needing to say another thing Buffy and Angel draw apart, turn and walk away from each other.
* * *
As Buffy walks back towards her mom’s old green Jeep she thinks back to what Angel said, “It was only 24 hours that I erased. Just twenty-four little hours.” She climbs in, turns on the engine and the radio flicks on.
And your body
I could hold for an hour
It sent me to Heaven
She puts the car in drive and pulls away. She looks in the rear-view mirror, not really knowing why. Even if he's still there she won't see his reflection, but it feels impossible to leave without glancing back.
With its heat and power
I'll remember you
You will be there in my heart
I'll remember you
Buffy touches a hand to her stomach, lightly and briefly, with a feeling of emptiness and loneliness washing over her. If only Angel knew that it wasn’t just 24 little hours that he had erased.
And that is all that I can do
But I'll remember.