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»Don't...« I whisper, my voice cracking a bit on the last letter, my mind reeling with numerous thoughts, not knowing what to do with them. I notice we're standing closer and closer with each breath we take and that knowledge sends more shivers down my spine.
I'm home, in the middle of something work-related, when Lucifer drops by, being completely casually, dashing as always, in his three-piece suit and with a gorgeous smile on his lips. Of course, I let him in. Who wouldn't?
And then the next thing you know, we're standing in the middle of my apartment, talking about this or that, when he jokes about how he wonders, what do I – of all people - truly desire, after just spending good fat 10 minutes explaining, what he found out by using his power today on one poor clueless guy, cause he wished for some answers.
Let's just say, that I go in full defense mode when I smell the possibility of him using his »power« on me, cause that is just unacceptable. And why, you may ask? Because there is no chance in hell – pun intended – that I am ready to tell him, how I feel about him. Period. Enough said.
I mean, how can I explain, that my heart flutters, whenever he enters the room? How can I tell him, that in the months, that we have known each other – devil or not - he's constantly in the front of my mind? And don't even get me started on the effect, that he has over me with his looks or voice alone. Yeah...
»Y/N.« Lucifer gently says my name, breaking me from my inner thoughts and still waiting for any kind of response from me. But, I just stand there, in front of him, not knowing how to continue. After all, I have to thread my words delicately, cause, you know...
All I manage to squeak out is another »Don't...«, followed by pulling my hands up in a defense-like-posture while shaking my head at him. The movement reminds me of our close proximity and I hurriedly take a step back, my mind clearer for a second - but only for a split one.
»I-It's... I... I mean, y-you...« I stammer. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. And continue. »It's one thing when you do it to others... When you a-ask them, what do they desire... but don't... don't use it on me.« I finish pleadingly, almost desperately. I don't know how else to make my point - that I r-e-a-l-y don't want him to ask me that - but it seems to do the trick.
»Darling...« - insert a swoon here – »...what in Dad's name are you talking about?« (A/N: I had to put this one here ;)), he asks incredulously. »I was only joking around because I wanted to share a fun story with you. I wasn't going to use my power on you... You made it perfectly clear, that you do not want me to do that, so why would I?« He asks me gently, taking a step closer to me and my shaky appearance.
And we're back to standing right in front of each other. Great. He certainly isn't making things any easier for me. Deep breaths. Just take deep breaths.
I will to calm myself down and try to squeeze some kind of an answer through my teeth, when he puts his hands on my shoulders, while lowering his head and searching for my eyes. That leaves me no choice than to look into his questioning eyes and I gulp and force a smile on my lips. It's good. All is good. It's not like his sudden very close proximity is making my head spin or anything like that. No, of course not. Why would it? Cue eye roll. This has to stop right now or I might just pass out from all the tension that I'm feeling, cause honestly, I'm not sure, how much more of his closeness can I take. I have to change the subject or something...
»Y/N.« He repeats my name with such tenderness, that the last sane thoughts that I have, all disappear in a blink of an eye. He keeps me captured in his scorching gaze and continues. »I would never do anything to hurt you. Don't you know that?«
I stupidly and shamefully nod, and yet still cannot take my eyes from this creature, standing in front of me.
»And I would never lie to you. So, therefore, you have nothing to worry about.« He flashes his million-dollar smile, which only a devil can do, and squeezes my shoulders in the process.
I try to collect my thoughts and finally give him a decent answer. »I know Lucifer, I was just...« - big sigh – »in my defense, it's really scary, if you think about it... Someone knowing your deepest desire. Especially when you flat out ask them about it and it's not like they can do anything about it.«
Understanding dawns in his eyes and for a moment he looks embarrassed by my words. His hands fall loosely from my shoulders. »Well, when you put it like that, I suppose you're right.« He starts walking around the room in circles, deep in thoughts.
How do I continue? I have to change the subject. Like now.
»So, did you stop by just to share the funny story, or are we actually gonna hang out?« I ask, carefully maneuvering myself in his presence. It might be best for both of us - well, for me, really - if I stay away from him for now so that I don't end up doing something that I'll regret.
Lucifer turns around and laughs, throwing his arms around theatrically. »Well of course I didn't only drop by, Y/N. I wouldn't want to miss our weekly hang out, now would I?« Which makes me return the laugh and happily nod.
»Now, what would you like to do tonight?« He asks, while mischievously rubbing his palms and winking my way. For a second I don't know how to react, but, I quickly catch on. Two can play at this game, mister!
»Well... how about a game or two of cards, where I can beat your sorry ass, cause I'm just that good?« I mockingly - but playfully - return, while rubbing my own palms and do a funny walk to the drawer, where I keep board games and cards and such. I'm awarded with a booming laugh and a »Bring it on, darling!«.
Sigh. Ok, so the crisis is averted. For now. Playing cards with Lucifer should put my mind off things, if only for a while, just enough, so that I can collect my thoughts and focus on something else than him.
~ A couple of weeks later ~
It's been a while since our conversation about his power and how I do not want him to use it on me. Well, I realized, that in order to be more me, it's the best way to simply ask him to ask me what I truly desire. I've been playing with the idea of him knowing the truth for a couple of days now and it's driving me crazier and crazier, every time I think about it.
»Do it. Ask me.« I firmly say, in hopes of sounding brave, which was a completely different story inside my mind, but, yeah, who cares, right?
His head spins around so fast, it's just a blur for a second or so. »What?« Is his answer, while looking at me in complete surprise, incredulous look on his face.
I'm done with all of the pretending, that I don't feel what I feel. Simply done. I have deep feelings for this wonderful man in front of me and I decided, that what is enough, is enough. I'm done. Finished. I'm done with pretending to care for him only as a friend, when in reality nothing would make me happier than being truly with him. I'm done with ignoring my heartbeat, which goes out of control every time we joke around about funny things. It became more and more exhausting and I cannot take it anymore.
Which is why I asked Lucifer about the use of his power, as he likes to call it, as soon as he arrived at my apartment for our weekly hang out thingie. Each week - once or twice a week - we get together at his or my place and simply hang out. We watch television or just talk. It's usually more talking, than watching, cause we can talk about anything and everything and never have a dull moment. Which is another thing I love about Lucifer. I can be me, when I'm with him and with my new resolve, to be more honest in my relationships, I've realized, that I am a bit of a hypocrite, so this is the best time as any, to finally come clean with my feelings about him. And then may it happen, whatever has to happen.
»I said, ask me what I truly desire.« I repeat myself. Grasping at the last strands of courage, that I have in me so that I don't change my mind.
»But, what about your words a couple of weeks ago, when you specifically asked me not to use my power on you?« Lucifer looks at me like I have two heads, not knowing what to do with me. Yup, you and me both, my friend.
I shrug my shoulders and continue with »I guess it doesn't matter anymore.« Really, there's no other way to explain it, I just want it done. The sooner the better. Then, it dawned on me – what about his reaction? It's not just, like, me, telling him, my sort-of-best-friend, you could say, that I actually have romantic feelings for him, but, it's way more than that. Gulp. If he feels the same – yaaay – and if he doesn't return my feelings – I've lost the most important person in my life.
Well shit. Suddenly I'm not that brave anymore. Suddenly, I don't know what to do. Should I continue? Or turn it into a joke and play if off, like it's nothing?
Of course, before I can say anything, Lucifer is one step ahead of me. He appears in front of me, with his serious face on. »Y/N, don't joke about this. You said it yourself, that you don't want me to ask you that. What made you change your mind, darling?«
Sigh. I love it when he casually drops nicknames for me in his words. It doesn't help the current situation, though. I think about what to say and come up empty. Relax Y/N – I say to myself - take a deep breath and let it all out. What's the worst, that could happen?
»I don't know. I...« Deep breath. »I'm just tired.« Another deep breath. »Just promise me something?« I plead with my eyes. In return, I get a wonderful warm smile and an instant »Of course, anything.« I faintly smile at that.
»Don't judge me?« I ask him, referring to my »deepest desire« or however you wanna call it.
Lucifer scoffs, »As if that is possible, darling. I won't. My word is my bond.« The last sentence would seem weird to anyone else, but to me, it meant the world. Why? Because if there's anything I learned from Lucifer, it's that he really – and I mean it, really – does not lie. Like. Ever. Or call me childish or naive or whatever, for believing, but, well, I do believe that and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. Period.
I take a deep breath in and out and step even closer to him, to be in his line of sight, for him to do his »mojo« thing, as we sometimes call it. I watch him think about this whole situation and see the shift in his eyes when he decides to really go for it.
He lowers himself to my level and whispers my name, »Y/N.« I nod, to encourage him to continue. And then – just like that - I'm trapped in his unnerving gaze and even if I wanted to, I couldn't escape it. His burn into mine, like, like he can see straight into my soul.
»Y/N, darling, what is it, that you truly desire?« Are his next words. His voice so, so gentle, but firm and demanding at the same time.
Answer him - says a tiny voice in my head - what are you waiting for? About a million thoughts run in and out of my mind and suddenly I don't hold back anymore.
Still, with my mind in a haze, I stammer »I...« Pause. Big inhale. Slow exhale. »You.« Came my short answer to him. Well, that wasn't that hard now, was it? Only then I realized, what I said. I mean, I knew the answer, of course, but the way I said it... I pause my thoughts for a second to watch Lucifer's reaction. Various expressions fly across his face: he goes from surprise, to worry, to... Did I catch a glimpse of hope for a second there or..?
I take a step back and shake my head while rubbing my face with my hands. Well, this is it, everyone. Not to be a drama queen or anything, but, now what? Lucifer is still standing in front of me and I dare a look his way. There's still confusion all over his face, but this is the devil, we're talking about. Who knows, what's going on in his mind right now.
He takes a deep breath, »Well, certainly not what I was expecting.« and rubs his face, like I did, just seconds ago. I remain quiet, waiting for him to say more.
I catch the moment when he decides on something. I see it in his face, in the way his eyes shine or his lips twitch, in a half-smile. Or am I just imagining things?
»Come here.« He beckons me with his hand, but it's him, that moves closer to me. I'm completely surprised and stand still as a rock, not knowing what's coming next.
He puts his hands on each side of my face and leans in, stopping right in front of me. In fact, he's so close, that we share the same breath. I watch him observe me, none of us saying anything. Our eyes dance around each other's faces, stopping on one eye and the other and the lips. Oh, the lips... What is happening? I ask myself. Does this mean, that he feels something about me too, or am I imagining things? I am just about to cut the silence, when I once again see something click in his eyes.
The next thing I know, his lips are on mine. It's all I ever wanted. It's all I ever dreamed about. I react to the kiss like a starving man in the middle of a desert, craving for water. The kiss is all-consuming and our breathing loud. And his lips, so firm, but yet so soft. All I can feel or smell is him. Only him. It's all-consuming. My head starts spinning and I realize, it's because of lack of air. I pull back to breathe in the fresh air and slowly open my eyes to look into his. His are already watching me, a devilish smirk playing on his lips.
»You don't know, how long I've been wanting to do just that.« He whispers, quite proud of himself, actually.
»Lucifer...« I trail off, not knowing, what to say next. I just feel, that I have to say something. I'm relieved and worried at the same time. Only me, I swear. Big sigh. His actions speak volumes, but, I need to actually hear words from him. Well, more words. Only then, will I believe, what his kiss has already told me. Only then, will I believe, that what just happened, is real – »my word is my bond« - flies through my mind. That's why. That is why I have to hear it from him. Cause he never lies.
»Tell me...« But I stop again. Aaagh, how should I continue? My internal fight is interrupted by another kiss, this one not that gentle as the one before, if you can say, that the first one was gentle, that is.
»You, darling, are absolutely beautiful.« He praises me. »And right now, I'm the happiest man alive. Would you like to know why?« - cue more cheekiness – »Because for quite a while now, kissing you and holding you in my arms, felt like a dream, and now, this dream of mine finally came true.«
Needless to say, I swoon after hearing his words.