Chapter Text
Rrrriiiiiiiiinnng...
Rrrriiiiiiiiinnng...
Rrrriiiiiiiiinnng...
I wake up from my bed thanks to my alarm clock. My tired eyes full of dirt, hurt from the uncomfortable morning light. The clock’s red outlines with numbers in italic font scorn my soul as its horrendous sound continue ringing and ringing. I groan, not only at my alarm clock but also at myself.
Arrgh! Why am I even mad at myself this time? I just woke up dammit! I should be happy, excited about the new day or some shit. Why am I so anxious and uneasy? Why do I always feel like the minute I wake up and start the day, I am gonna fuck up, that I am gonna be pulled down to the face of the earth and get kicked and kicked until I reach the other side.
Crash
I continue covering my face with my agitated and frustrated hands. While contemplating, I forget that I accidentally snoozed my alarm like an idiot and it starts ringing again, scaring me out of my wits so hard I knock the clock out of panic. The clock falls and breaks, the pieces separate like a broken family that gave up.
I sigh and get even more frustrated, "Guess I am gonna need a new one…" great going, Alex, another one tossed on the ground just because you got a little scared. What if that was a borrowed one from a dear friend? How do you think they would feel after you do the same thing to theirs?
I try to ignore my intrusive thoughts by going back to sleep. My grey hoodie gives me comfort from the cold as my shorts make it harder to stand it, especially on my legs. I go on a spooning position while hugging my dirty white pillow tightly, the softness helps me forget the dirt that covers it. I try to go back to sleep so I don't have to start another dreadful day in my life. My eyes squeeze, trying to block out the daylight sunshine from my curtainless windows. Eventually giving up due to the noises from the neighbors outside, I begrudgingly open my eyes halfway and look at the mirror which is to the right of my bed. I sigh to myself, not knowing anyways if I feel sad or miserable.
"What are you doing to yourself?" I grumble in disappointment and shame.
AAAAA ENOUGH! I get it! These annoying thoughts keep piling up in my head. I already get that I am a pathetic human being that panic over nothing, I don't need another voice telling me that. Or maybe I do, who knows. I might just be so pathetic that I deserve this torture. I might be so pathetic that I-
Bang!
There it is. The sign that I am going insane. I have finally hit the light brown, smooth wall of my apartment room and caused it to break. The hole is almost the perfect size for my hand to get in, like an endless void just for me. Too bad there isn't an actual void for me to go into, would have probably felt right at home. Empty, black, full of nothingness—yup, perfect jail cell for me to stay and confine myself in.
The blood on my knuckles feels like tiny waterfalls falling down onto the bed. The pain isn't even obvious for me to feel. It just feels...itchy? Numb? I guess when you have been getting episodes for a long time, you kinda get used to it. I feel my bleeding right hand with the other, feeling the roughness of my skin and the small viscosity of the blood on my knuckles. It hurts a bit, but not enough to make me flinch. I don't know if I should be sad or glad that I am used to hurting myself. Does it even matter at this point?
"HEY! What was that sound!? Alex was that you!?" The sudden shout startles me, nearly causing me to scratch my wound and make it worse.
Shit, that was my landlord. If she finds out I went on another episode and broke my wall, I am dead.
"Uhhh… Nope! Not me!" I shakingly respond, hoping to God she doesn't get suspicious and checks in my room. I look down on my bleeding hand, blood still dripping out a marathon. I try to stop the bleeding with my hand but the blood seeps through.
"Are you sure? It was pretty loud and it was coming from inside your ro-"
"YEAH YEAH, IT'S ALL GOOD HERE! I'm FINE DON'T WORRY" I interrupt out of panic, nearly shaking, fidgeting, stuttering.
Oh no, FUCK MY LIFE WHY DID I INTERRUPT HER? NOW SHE WILL EITHER BE MAD OR MORE SUSPICIOUS OR EVEN BOTH. God, I am such a dumbass.
I postpone my self-deprecation for later since I still need to think of what to do now so she doesn't find out what I did to my wall. I check on my hand once again and notice it is still bleeding and dripping on my mattress. The drops drop synchronously to my beating heart. I stand up and lift my hand higher to keep the blood away from the bed to prevent further dripping.
"Shit, I should clean this up. But what about the wall?" I look to the hole I made, one of its pieces about to fall off. I like back and forth between my hand and my wall, indecisive on which one I should cover up first.
Hand, wall, hand, wall, hand, wall, handwallhandwallhandwallhand...
"Alex! I am coming in!" I scream then immediately cover my hand after.
But, unbeknownst to me, I accidentally used my bloody hand to cover my mouth. I find this out when my tongue feels an almost metallic, weird liquidy taste. I pull away my hand immediately, some blood leftover on my mouth. I try to wipe it off with my other hand while licking it to help with the stickiness.
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
FUCK! I hear the knocks getting louder and louder.
I panic.
I freeze.
I can't breathe.
Am I dead? What do I do? I can't feel my legs. Someone help me.
I can't see. I can't see. I can't see.
Ican'tseeIcan'tseeIcan'tsee…..
I drop to my knees, hands on the ground.
I can't feel a thing. My mind goes spiraling. I feel so much panic. It feels like I'm going to die. I wanna die. I wanna die. Please let this end. I wanna die. I don't wanna be scared anymore. Hyperventilating. Can't breathe. Please…
"Alex, I am going in." The door gets opened, nearly broken from just pushing and ramming into it twice
…muffled...noises? I can’t understand
“Alex? Alex!”
…Who..who is there? Someone? Help me
Alex
…I feel..cold
Alex
…I..I...I feel...
ALEX!
Empty