Chapter Text
The young Zagreus, promising student athlete at Styx University, had never had a good grasp of when to be cautious, for caution as a concept was a hand-me-down that had never fit him right. His heart was too big for it. Whenever he had tried to trim his feelings down to a manageable size, such attempts at caution, which were in fact just fear, burst open at the seams. He could try to lessen his want, for what fearful reasons his head devised, but he could never succeed, for he was made of want. There was a lesson to be learned there and at his age he should have learned it, or perhaps it was due to his age that he had not. We might call what transpires in this story a teachable moment.
This is a story about his foolish heart, and it was years in the making. But, for the sake of the telling, let us begin it by speaking of the poster.
It was a new poster on the wall of the school cafeteria, and it grabbed Zagreus' attention at once as he walked in, though a good few seconds passed before he registered that it bore any text at all. His focus was solely on the picture it centered. It featured his close friend and fellow student Thanatos, also of Styx University, standing with his arms crossed and a severe stare aimed at the camera. He wore a black turtleneck, a type of garment that on anyone else may have looked unremarkable, but on Thanatos it flattered the strong and dignified lines of his body, unfairly well-defined for someone who spent so much of his time holed up in the library. His nails were painted black to match, a darker detail against the brown of his skin. That color palette was disrupted only by his silver hair, which framed and sharpened his face, and his amber eyes.
So, a striking image to snare the notice of passers-by, even had they been less susceptible to the charms of this particular model than Zagreus was. As his higher thought processes struggled to reform under the weight of Thanatos' printed stare, he belatedly realized that there were two other people in the photograph flanking Thanatos in similar poses, and there was a message underneath: JOIN THE DEBATE CLUB.
He did not think twice before taking out his phone, snapping a picture and beginning to type.
> holy shit???
> than is this u???
You sent an image.
> um hello???
> also uh hypothetical question but will they give that poster away eventually???
> asking for a friend
His adulations were marked as READ almost immediately, at which point it sunk in that he had sent them. His lack of forethought gave way to the unpleasant wisdom of hindsight. The texts had been a terrible idea, and an unfortunate breach of his oh-so-cautious resolution to keep his one-sided crush from influencing his behavior around Thanatos. Bad enough that when they spent time together he often found himself looking, respectfully. Even if Thanatos was kind enough not to mention it, Zagreus knew he must notice. So there was no chance at all that these texts would be taken as nothing more than friendly appreciation.
Would there be any point in trying to walk back his praise? Under normal circumstances, he was happy to lavish compliments on his friends, but circumstances were not quite normal between him and Thanatos. Still, he reasoned, there was no way he could text I think you look attractive in that poster, but only as attractive as you're comfortable with me finding you. He stood staring at his phone, thinking himself in circles as he waited for a reply.
Then the device buzzed once in his hand, and he nearly dropped it.
You have 1 new message from Furiosa.
> Save the flirting for later. Some of us have studying to do, and you're distracting Than.
"Great," muttered the mortified Zagreus. He considered attempting to correct her assumption and almost immediately eschewed the idea; if he had zero hope of fooling Thanatos, he had negative hope when it came to Megaera. She had always seen through him, for better or worse.
Dull pain flared along his jaw and he found that he needed to sit down. Verticality had proved to be a challenge for the past hour, since his encounter with the star of the school's boxing team, Asterius, and the subsequent encounter of Asterius' fists with his face. Previous experience with the bull-headed boxer's peculiar social overtures told the pained Zagreus that the sting of the blows would accompany him for some time yet. Though he disliked being still, he slumped in a nearby chair and tilted his head back, gingerly touching the thankfully unfractured arch of his nose.
As he contemplated the decidedly unfavorable course of his day, he heard beside him a familiar voice speaking in an even more familiar tone of tactless cheer.
"Oh wow, you got messed up! That's going to leave an ugly bruise!"
The recently-punched Zagreus confirmed with a glance that it was in fact his roommate, summoned to the waking world of the cafeteria by the need for sustenance, or else he had in his slumber sensed that Zagreus was having a bad day and followed the ethereal thread of his misfortune like a shark scenting blood. His silver curls stuck up every which way, held back only marginally by his ever-present sleep mask, and his oversized T-shirt read I GOT SLEEPY BITCH DISEASE. Loudly slurping his soda through a straw, he sidestepped to peer at the young Zagreus' rapidly-bruising cheekbone with unguarded fascination.
"Hi, Hypnos." Zagreus sat upright in his chair with a wince and produced a slip of paper from inside his bag, which he held out. "Went and got Asterius' autograph for you, mate. Don't mind that drop of blood in the corner."
Hypnos' face lit up; he was as expressive as his brother Thanatos could be hard to read. "Whoaaa. Thanks, Zag! You're the best! It's so cool that you're friends with him!"
This was an overstatement of such epic proportions that Zagreus had to pause to admire it, but he could not bring himself to correct it. "You know, Hypnos, we're getting there. He respects me. At least, he said something like that when we finished beating the crap out of each other. I think."
"Whoooa."
Zagreus observed the delight on his roommate's face and was satisfied with the blood price he had paid to make it happen. As a hockey player, he suffered injuries with some frequency, regardless, and he figured if he was going to be in pain, it might as well be in the name of bringing someone joy, and that someone might as well be Hypnos. He had been an ideal roommate for the past year; his propensity to sleep on any horizontal surface presented to him was a perfect symbiotic match for Zagreus' unjustifiable love of collecting plush furnishings he never planned to rest on.
Besides, favors such as obtaining an autograph in a duel of fists were straightforward, and served to take his mind off of problems that were less so. And speaking of—
"Hey, did you see Than's poster? He looks badass, right?"
"Uh, yeah, saw it on my way in. It's a cool poster." Silently the young Zagreus prayed Hypnos had not been around to see him nearly choke on his drink upon first encountering the picture, but he did not have high hopes on that front. Over the past months he had come to suspect that Hypnos was much more perceptive than anyone gave him credit for.
Therefore he mistrusted Hypnos' innocent tone when he said, "Hey, you know what? I could try asking him if they have an extra. He leaves me on read all the time, but he wouldn't if I say it's for you. You could hang it up on the wall."
"You mean hang it up on the wall of the room that I share with you, his brother? Isn't that going to be weird?"
"Well, you already have that pin-up poster of that player from Olympus, what's-his-name, that guy with the purple hair, and the one of your coach from his professional days. So I don't think it'd be weird, for you. Breaks the theme of buff hockey players, but that's it."
"Fair point," conceded the self-conscious Zagreus. He tried to sound casual as he added, "Well, you don't need to ask him or anything, I… sort of did that just now. He hasn't replied yet, though."
"Oh, he's probably busy with something. Studying?" Hypnos spoke that word like a guess, as if he could not fathom what a student who did not sleep his days away might do to occupy his time. "I'm sure he'll be happy you asked. You can take it with you to Olympus when you transfer!"
Olympus University. The distant alma mater of the best hockey team in the national league, who had reached out to offer the young Zagreus a sports scholarship earlier in the season. At that time, the mere mention of the name had filled Zagreus with excitement, but lately only an awkward shadow of that eagerness remained. This unexplainable shift in himself was another issue he had relegated to the back of his mind, a tangled ball of yarn he planned to untwist only when he had no other choice.
"Right. Guess we'll see what Than says," said the conflicted Zagreus, as nonchalantly as he could manage.
Once again Hypnos got an insightful air about him, but Zagreus was saved from any potential questions by a buzz of his phone, which he immediately unlocked to check if he had a reply from Thanatos. Alas, none was to be found; instead he was greeted by a reminder notification from his calendar application, exhorting him to move his backside lest he be late for hockey practice.
The strong and wise Achilles, retired sports legend turned varsity coach for Styx University, beheld the bruised countenance of young Zagreus upon his arrival at center ice and bid him sit on the bleachers to rest. Mournfully, much in spite of his abhorrence of inactivity, Zagreus obeyed.
Holding an ice pack to his face, he whiled away the time in observation of the endless drills performed by his teammates at Achilles' strict but engaging direction. He wished he were skating alongside them, so that the physical strain of pushing his body to its limits would leave his head blissfully empty, as it always did. Since he could not rely on exercise to silence his thoughts, he tried to cherry-pick them, but despite his efforts his mind drifted, and he found himself compulsively checking his phone every few minutes.
The only new messages were in the Olympus group chat that his cousin Athena had invited him to. Dionysus, beautiful madman that he was, seemed to be trying to convince the others to attend some party he was organizing, which was a common enough occurrence any given day of the week. This time, he claimed it was a rehearsal for the real party they would have when Zagreus joined them next semester. It was strange how everybody phrased that as a when rather than an if, even though Zagreus had not yet formally accepted Olympus' offer.
He scrolled through the conversation, smiling in spite of himself as he saw it take the familiar course: Dionysus would team up with Aphrodite, who would in turn convince Ares and discombobulate Artemis, and Athena would join of her own accord to make sure it did not get too out of hand. Hermes was probably already halfway to the store to get the necessary beverages. Zagreus texted send pics later and swiped out of the chat to find the one with Thanatos.
No new messages.
It was not unusual for Thanatos to leave him on read while busy with schoolwork, and Megaera had confirmed that he was busy, yet this time felt different. They had been walking a tightrope for the past few weeks, ever since Zagreus had impulsively confessed his affections. He vividly remembered how Thanatos had frozen like a deer in highlights, then cited an excuse to extricate himself from having to answer. Which, the way Zagreus figured it, was an answer in and of itself. It sucked, but he could deal with it.
Except that his plan for dealing with it had not included letting a poster reduce him to a fawning mess, to the point where he looked like he couldn't take a hint that his attention was unwanted in that way. Still, he would find a way to fix his blunder before it irreparably damaged their treasured friendship.
"This is all sounding very dire, phrased like that," muttered the young Zagreus, seemingly upset at this humble narrator's description of his predicament.
In any event, Thanatos occupied his mind until practice drew to an end and the team dispersed to the locker rooms. As Zagreus himself gathered his bag, the great Achilles turned to look up at the bleachers and called, "Zagreus, a word in my office, lad, if you don't mind."
So it was that he found himself in the company of coach Achilles, a man of innumerable graces, among them his great care for his team members' physical and psychological well-being. This he presently displayed by examining the bruise blooming high on Zagreus' right cheekbone and his pupil dilation in response to light stimuli. Then he cleaned the reddened skin of Zagreus' knuckles with a gauze and wrapped them in simple bandages.
"Everything seems in order, although there is always a chance of concussion," concluded the coach, putting away the penlight and first aid kit.
Having heard the cause of Zagreus' injuries, he had issued a stern reminder to stay out of trouble but had not pressed the matter. It may have been Zagreus' wistful thinking, but he thought he glimpsed a hint of pride in Achilles' eyes at hearing that Asterius had been similarly battered by the end of their fight.
"In any case, you would do well to have Patroclus take a look at you tomorrow. He will be able to examine you better than I. For now, lad, be sure to take it easy for the rest of the day. Avoid caffeine and exercise. Have someone check your pupils and such before you sleep, if at all possible."
Zagreus spared a thought for his roommate, who would doubtless be asleep when he got back and thus of little assistance. Still he nodded, with the egotistical confidence of one whose body has never betrayed him for long. "I don't sleep all that much, so I'm sure it will be fine, sir." Achilles looked displeased by this answer, and at once Zagreus found himself amending it. "But I'll make sure to rest tonight."
The coach's expression shifted to one of approval, to Zagreus' relief. He hated to feel that he had disappointed Achilles, even briefly. It was coming up on a year of training under him, and it was still surreal to think that his coach was the legendary winger that had been his sports crush growing up. The thought of failing to live up to his expectations in any way was not one he liked to entertain.
"Very well." Achilles smiled and clapped him on the shoulder, a gesture that tended to indicate a dismissal, but as Zagreus picked his bag off the floor to leave, the coach stopped him. "One more thing, lad. The deadline for submitting your transfer papers is coming up, but you have not done so yet, correct?"
"Not yet, no," admitted Zagreus, not quite able to meet his eyes.
"You should do it soon, if you wish to accept Olympus' offer." His tone was kind, not at all judgmental like Zagreus had feared. Wise and insightful as he was, perhaps he glimpsed the turmoil that brewed inside Zagreus, for he added gently, "You do wish to transfer, do you not? I don't want to pressure you either way, lad, but it's unlike you to be indecisive."
Here was the heart of the matter.
"I do… I think. I don't know, sir." The conflicted Zagreus let out a sigh. "I didn't think my father would ever allow it. He was so against it when the offer came. Now that he's given his blessing, I don't know how I should feel about it."
Achilles took a moment to pick his words, and picked the right ones. "It's not so much a matter of how you should feel, as it is of how you do. Consider what you yourself want, then choose accordingly. No matter the conclusion you come to, everyone on the team will support you, and be proud of you, myself most of all. Even if Olympus' coach is, ah, something of a jerk."
That last sentence shocked a laugh out of Zagreus, who had been tearing up in front of his idol. "Yeah. Screw Apollo. Respectfully, sir. He was never half as good as you." He cleared his throat, which felt tight with emotion. "Thank you, sir. I'll think about what you said."
For once, the pressure of puzzling over his options did not fill him with dread. Some of that weight had been lifted. He smiled, flush with relief.
"You still have time, of course. But try not to get so caught up in thinking you become afraid to act," was the coach's sage advice.
"Fear is for the weak."
"That it is, lad." Achilles smiled back and clapped him briefly on the shoulder again; this time, a goodbye. "Now go enjoy the rest of your Friday. Responsibly, remember."
Zagreus excused himself. As he left center ice, his phone buzzed several times in his pocket, which he fully expected to signal an update on Dionysus' party plans. But when he stepped out into the brisk evening air and unlocked his screen, he saw Thanatos' name. He tried and failed to calm his nerves, and he tapped the notification to open the messages, which read:
> Your friend is welcome to join the debate team. If we can get enough new students, the recruitment posters would no longer be necessary, so I suppose they could be given away.
> Unless by "asking for a friend" you actually meant yourself.
> ...Did you?
"Well, shit," did Zagreus eloquently proclaim.
> sorry than
> its me
> the friend is me
The replies were immediately marked as READ. He stood staring at the screen for a few excruciating moments, battered by the cold wind, waiting for a response that did not come. And then, suddenly, he could not stand to wait any longer, and he made a decision. Almost as if a lesson had been learned—but not quite yet, I should think.
"Fear is for the weak," he said to himself, and acted on the idea brewing in his mind before he could think better of it.
That idea led him to Thanatos' doorstep an hour later, holding a gift that was fancier than what an average college student would procure for a friend, bought on impulse like all the other gifts he had given Thanatos over the years. Such gifts were a common enough occurrence that their recipient would not read too much into it, or so Zagreus told himself. He knocked, and had a moment to wonder what impression he had hoped to convey, showing up at his crush's door with a bottle of expensive booze after 9PM on a Friday, but by then it was too late to reconsider.
The door opened and an attractively frazzled Thanatos peered out.
"Zagreus, it's late. What are you doing here?"
In response, Zagreus proffered the bottle, which he had whimsically adorned with a purple ribbon, and accompanied it with what he hoped was his most winning smile. "I brought you something, to wish you luck on the debate tomorrow. Is it alright if I come in?"
"Ambrosia? You know alcohol isn't permitted on campus," said Thanatos, who was a Law student. "You could get us both in a world of trouble."
Undeterred as ever by the threat of looming authority, especially in regards to a rule he had never seen enforced, the young Zagreus nevertheless did not press the issue. He switched to a different and ignoble tactic. "In my defense, I may have a concussion to blame for any lapse in judgment, so you're free to say it was my idea if we somehow get caught. Besides, I need to ask someone to monitor me for a little while, and you know Hypnos is asleep half the time."
As he talked, he saw the exact moment the focus of Thanatos' concern shifted. Zagreus felt only a smidge of guilt as his kind-hearted friend waved him inside, then closed the door behind them.
"Here, hand me the bottle. You're not supposed to drink spirits if you're concussed. Sit down."
Zagreus let himself be fussily guided to the reading chair by the window. He looked around the familiar and tastefully-decorated room, a far cry from the unbridled chaos of his own. From somewhere behind the intimidating but perfect pile of notes on the desk, Thanatos produced a glass of water, which he pushed into his guest's hand. "Gods, that looks painful, Zag. What happened?"
The young Zagreus' guilt went up a notch seeing the worry plain on Thanatos' face, and he wished he had a mirror to check how bad his bruises looked. He took a sip of water from the glass Thanatos had given him, which had been Thanatos' glass that Thanatos had presumably been drinking from before Zagreus arrived, which was a silly thought to have, but he had it anyway. He distracted himself by providing an abridged retelling of his latest encounter with Asterius. By the end of it, Thanatos was frowning.
"What kind of madman challenges someone to a fist fight over an autograph? And what were you thinking, going along with it? He's a nationally ranked boxer! You could have been injured much worse than this, Zag!"
Zagreus tried not to squirm. "Well, I wasn't. Does it matter now? It made Hypnos happy to get the autograph, isn't that what counts?"
Judging from Thanatos' thunderous expression, the answer to that was a resounding no. "Oh, don't get me started on my brother. We're going to have words about this, he and I."
"Eh, don't be too harsh with him, Than. The bruises sting a little now, but I'll heal in no time. I always do."
Thanatos did not look entirely placated by this, but he seemed to at least consider Zagreus' point. As much as injury was a happenstance that seemed to visit Zagreus regularly, they had both known him to recover from worse with a celerity that baffled Doctor Patroclus every time. For a moment longer Thanatos regarded him, then sighed and conceded.
"Fine. I'm still going to speak to Hypnos. And please stop accepting that brute's challenges, Zagreus, would you?"
It was not as if he enjoyed being pummeled by Asterius, though he could see how it may appear otherwise, as they had already gone head-to-head three times since the start of the school year. "Yeah, I'll stop. You don't need to worry about me."
"I beg to differ." Thanatos looked as though he might say something more, but thought better of it. "Drink some water. I'll go get myself another glass, if you'll excuse me a second."
With that, he retreated to the small kitchenette and busied himself there. Zagreus drank more water. He did not think it would help a possible concussion, but perhaps it made Thanatos feel like a good host, so he drank.
The reading chair he occupied gave him a good angle to see the kitchenette area, so he could look at Thanatos without being too obvious about it. His first impression upon arriving seemed right; Thanatos looked tired, and knowing him, that likely meant he had been studying without a break for most of the day. That fatigue may not have been apparent to any casual observer, for there was no trace of it in his posture or the way he moved, but there were small details that gave it away. His silver hair, which was usually parted impeccably, had some strands out of place, as though he might have run his hands through it when occupied with a particularly complicated case study. His lips were pursed, the shadows under his eyes looked deeper, and there was a tension about him.
Zagreus realized he was being unsubtle when Thanatos looked up and met his eyes. He raised a perfect eyebrow, more questioning than anything else, and Zagreus felt his face grow hot at being caught staring. He ducked his head, sheepish, and fished out his phone to distract himself.
While he went through his notifications and pictures from the Olympus chat, he heard a glass of water be poured, and the Ambrosia be put away, and a kettle be turned on. With every little sound it was easy to imagine Thanatos' hands deftly moving from one task to another. He felt himself smile as he waited.
Before long, his host returned with a glass of cold water for himself and a mug of steaming liquid. This latter one he held out to Zagreus, who opened his mouth to ask a question, but Thanatos answered preemptively. "Don't worry. It's chamomile tea. No caffeine."
"Right. Thank you." Zagreus put his water down on the floor by the chair—it seemed pointless to return it, now that Thanatos had procured another glass for himself—and gratefully accepted the warm mug, moved that his friend had remembered the no-caffeine rule from last time. It did not occur to him to be concerned about the recurrence of his injuries which fostered that remembering. He took a sip, feeling warmth spread through him. "This is good, Than. You're the best."
There was but an instant to glimpse Thanatos' smile before he turned away, moving to sit at his desk. "You're welcome, Zag. Don't let it get cold." His hair fell like a curtain across his profile as he slid on his computer glasses and looked down at his laptop screen. "I need to finish this paper, but let me know if you begin to feel drowsy, and I'll examine you before you sleep."
Mentally discounting the notion of rest, at least for the time being, the sleep-averse athlete glanced at his phone again and saw that the hour was nearing 10pm. Certainly an offer to vacate Thanatos' space was overdue, in order to ensure he was not imposing beyond the allowances of their friendship. There was also the matter of Zagreus' self-preservation instinct, which was in truth his fear and was warning that if he stayed and let Thanatos take care of him and be gentle and kind, he was likely to start spouting declarations of undying love, and he was not sure his heart could take being rejected twice in the span of two weeks.
"Than, I know you're busy. I can go, if you want me to. Achilles wasn't even sure it's a concussion this time, so it's not that serious." As if to prove the point, he stood up, only slightly stumbling as his balance threatened to desert him at the sudden upright motion. Then the dizziness passed and he added, "You don't need to feel obligated."
"Did I say that? Sit back down, Zagreus." Thanatos had turned to face him and was frowning. His tone brooked no argument. "You're not imposing. If anything, I wish you'd stop incurring these injuries, but that point is moot now. Drink your tea, and give me another thirty minutes. I'll be with you as soon as I've drafted my conclusion."
The foolish Zagreus, whose approach to self-treatment would have been to go about his life as normal and hope for the best, accepted this familiar show of affection disguised as a reproach, because he craved those little breadcrumbs that tasted so similar to what he had convinced himself he should not want. He obediently sipped his tea and settled down to wait as Thanatos returned his attention to his schoolwork.
As with everything he did, he focused on it to the exclusion of all else. This was something about him that had always fascinated Zagreus, for whom sitting still was the greatest of challenges. He watched Thanatos type in his customary efficient manner, using all of his fingers without needing to look where they fell, instead glancing at the notes and books open on the desk around him. These must have been laid out in an intentional pattern, for there seemed to be a practiced order in which Thanatos checked them. He was good at creating systems that worked for him and sticking to them.
As for Zagreus, he could not seem to follow his own simple rule. Then again, it was not so simple to pretend his feelings were anything other than they were. Only after a fashion did he manage to tear his eyes away.
He did not think Thanatos was paying him any mind, but he tried to be discreet about it when he took out his phone and used the front camera to check the cuts and bruises on his face. He was relieved to see that he did not look nearly as banged up as he had the last time he'd fought Asterius, which meant he was getting better at dodging. There was the dark imprint left by bigger-than-average knuckles on his cheekbone and the side of his jaw, and a few small cuts on his brow. Thanatos had seen him in much worse shape, and even if he hadn't, Zagreus knew he was not about to win him over with his handsome visage, but he still felt glad that he hadn't shown up looking like death warmed over.
While Thanatos worked, an indeterminate stretch of time passed, tortuously for the restless Zagreus, who sought other distractions to pass the time. In his endless period of inactivity, he checked his phone dozens of times, rewatched some of his favorite play-by-play clips of Olympus matches on mute, crossed and uncrossed his legs to keep from tapping his foot, catalogued every familiar detail of the room and counted the tiny purple butterflies that adorned the mug in his hands. Every ten butterflies he allowed himself a brief glance at his studious friend, as a treat.
A few dozen glances later, lulled by the steady patter of the keyboard and the residual warmth of the now-empty mug, Zagreus felt his eyelids begin to grow heavy, a bizarre sensation. He was startled out of it by the sudden pause in Thanatos' typing and, realizing he had been slouching, straightened his posture, rebelling against the shadow of sleep.
"Were you dozing off?" asked the older student, insightfully.
"Nah." This poor deception elicited a pointed look of disbelief, though no verbal reply, as if providing him a second chance to answer truthfully. "Well. Maybe a little. Hearing you work, it's… soothing, in a way."
"You ought to come over more frequently, then. I'm usually working."
Zagreus smiled contentedly at the invitation, and his drowsy brain unplugged from the real world and contemplated instead a fantasy life in which he spent every evening with Thanatos while he worked on assignments that made absolutely no sense to Zagreus and afterward, because it was his dream and he could do what he wanted, they would cuddle and Thanatos would tell him about his day and his classes and a lot of it still wouldn't make sense but Thanatos' voice would be low and fond and Zagreus would be happy to listen.
He was yanked back to reality as Thanatos stood and approached him, which he registered belatedly and with a feeling that bounced between confused excitement and panic as his crush leaned over him, chasing away every coherent thought the enamoured Zagreus had ever possessed, except this one: he smells nice.
"Let me look at your eyes," Thanatos demanded, which cleared up the question of his proximity but did nothing to calm the infatuated Zagreus' suddenly pounding heart. If this reaction was noticed, it went unremarked. From the pocket of his trousers, Thanatos withdrew a set of keys with a small penlight keychain, which he turned on. "Tilt your head up a little."
Zagreus obeyed and, in a vain attempt to hold onto his wits, asked, "You carry a penlight on you?"
"Why not? It comes in useful. Look here." Ever so gingerly, he angled up Zagreus' chin with his fingers. Blissfully, as the light blinded each of his eyes in turn, the young Zagreus resolved to send Asterius a thank-you card.
The examination ended to Thanatos' satisfaction, if not to Zagreus', who had to fake a cough into his fist to belatedly mask the way he had leaned forward to follow Thanatos' retreating hand. It was not, all in all, his most convincing performance. He glanced at Thanatos to gauge his reaction and was surprised to see him hesitate. A minute twitch of his hand, as if he had almost reached out to touch Zagreus again. A sharp focus in his eyes that was anything but disinterested, there one second and gone the next, so fast that Zagreus doubted if it had been there in truth.
Thanatos licked his lips and averted his eyes. "Everything seems fine," he said, his voice betraying nothing. "You ought to lie down in bed, before you fall asleep in that chair."
Zagreus stood up to obey, his mind whirling in a maelstrom of what-ifs. He walked to the door.
"Where are you going, Zag?"
"To bed."
Thanatos looked at him as if he were daft. Then he said, "I meant, lie down on my bed, Zagreus. You should not be unsupervised tonight."
For once, the young Zagreus did not care that he was staring. The gulf between reality and his daydream seemed to be closing, though he logically knew it wasn't. His beleaguered brain struggled to reconcile what the words sounded like with what he knew they meant, and the sole response it managed to produce was a strangled giggle. "That's… okay. Okay. That's fine. Your bed, sure."
"Stop laughing. This isn't funny." Yet the embarrassment that had cracked Thanatos' unaffected veneer was so endearing to Zagreus that he grinned. "You need someone around who, unlike my brother, is capable of staying conscious for longer than a few minutes at a time, in case you actually are concussed—which seems like a very real possibility, judging from your attitude right now."
"Okay. I understand. Sorry." He attempted to suppress his smile as he said, "Though I might want to stop by my room to change clothes and brush my teeth before that, if that's okay."
Thanatos seemed to shut down. Zagreus watched with no small measure of amusement as he visibly re-examined his own adamant attitude in the context of Zagreus' very logical request, and became flustered. "Oh," he said at length. He cleared his throat. "Well. That's reasonable, yes. I didn't think of that. Of course."
"I'll be right back," Zagreus told him, and granted him the mercy of leaving the room before he had to reply.
In the hallway, he shook his head and tried to stifle the unexplainable giddiness rising in him. He took a deep breath and set off towards his own room at a measured pace that quickly turned into a run. One could see a metaphor there, if one were so inclined. When he arrived, by some treacherous and improbable twist of fate, Hypnos was awake.
"What's the rush?" he asked as Zagreus yanked open a drawer and pulled out an old T-shirt and pants and ran into the bathroom.
Zagreus did not know how to answer that, so he bought himself time by brushing his teeth. When he finished, he called back, "Uh. Sleepover." He changed clothes at record speed, almost tripping on the pants leg and braining himself on the tile. He balled up what he had been wearing before and dumped it on his unmade bed on the way out, feeling Hypnos' eyes on him the whole way.
He heard a sing-song, "Have fun and be safe!" behind him as he closed the door.
He jogged back to Thanatos' room, feeling his face burn, and tried to dismiss Hypnos' parting shot from his mind. He knocked when he arrived and heard Thanatos call, "It's open." Zagreus pushed and let himself in.
"That was fast," said Thanatos, glancing up from his screen.
"It's not that long of a walk." Emboldened by the adrenaline of the run, he added, "Did you miss me?"
Thanatos scoffed. "No. I'm working." He typed whatever it was with unnecessary force, loudly, as if making a point. Put in mind of a hedgehog with its spines pointed outward, Zagreus couldn't stifle a laugh, and he received an aggravated glare for it. "Will you be standing there for the rest of the evening, staring at me?"
"Sorry. I'll let you work. I'll, uh, go get in your bed now." It was an out-of-body experience to hear the words leave his lips, and he turned with purpose to do just that before his brain short-circuited entirely.
"Right. Sleep well."
"Right. You, uh. Work well." He winced as soon as he said it, feeling like an idiot. Thanatos did not reply.
Zagreus told himself this was the same as getting into his own bed, but it was not, even beyond the emotional implications. There was not a single wrinkle on Thanatos' covers, and the sheets were so neatly tucked at the corners that Zagreus was surprised to find that he had to exert any amount of force to pull them open. Nevertheless he did. With measured movements he laid down in the center of the mattress and stared up at the ceiling for an untold length of time. Thanatos' familiar smell enveloped him.
Thanatos' typing resumed its normal volume. It occurred to Zagreus that his host would eventually have to sleep somewhere, and this was the only bed in the room. It then further occurred to him that if they were to share a bed, he would spend the night as wide awake as his cousin Athena's pet owl, rigidly staring into the middle distance. Unable to emotionally handle the notion of presenting to Thanatos that particular issue, he shifted to curl up on his side, with his back against the wall to take up as little space as possible.
He closed his eyes and attempted to reason with himself. Bizarrely for anyone else, though not so for the young Zagreus, he did this by asking himself what Achilles would do in his place.
Achilles was wise, and Achilles would not be afraid. Or, at the very least, he would recognize what he was afraid of. Zagreus made an effort to confront the cause of his nerves. Even if Thanatos did sleep beside him, so what? They had shared a bed many times growing up, sometimes with Hypnos as well, when they were children and the brothers had a better relationship. And no matter how attracted to Thanatos the young Zagreus felt, he would never do anything to make the other uncomfortable if they ended up sharing the limited space on the bed.
With that thought, the shape of his fear became clear, and it was this: would Thanatos feel self-conscious around Zagreus, now that he was aware of his affections? Would their relationship be an awkward dance around each other, with Thanatos' implied rejection in between them?
He allowed himself to fully feel that fear, breathing in and out, and then found that he could let it go. Thanatos was not that kind of person. Whether he reciprocated Zagreus' feelings or not, he would never hold them against him. He was generally inept at accepting any show of affection, but he was not resentful of it. Once Zagreus was free of that fear, he was free to consider his options to move past it. Achilles had said, consider what you yourself want, and choose accordingly.
He considered it.
What he wanted was to bare his heart to Thanatos again, since he could not seem to keep it in check anyway, and this time force him to give a clear answer. He was growing tired of reading into every look and gesture, always hoping against hope. He was afraid of asking, but more afraid of never knowing for sure. He had begun to realize that his plan of putting distance between them was not for the sake of their friendship; it had not dulled his feelings, only made him miss the closeness they had always shared. Even if his crush was one-sided, he could not be Thanatos' friend at arm's length.
Accordingly, he chose.
"Hey, Than?"
A pause in the tapping of the keys. "Yes?"
"Thanks for always looking out for me." He burrowed further under the blankets, covered up to his chin. If his mind had not been otherwise preoccupied, he might have marveled that a bed could be this comfortable, even if he could not fathom wanting to sleep. "It makes me happy, knowing that you care. Even if you don't feel the same way I do… I'm lucky to have you in my life. Sorry if I stare sometimes, I'm trying to be better about that."
His words seemed to hang in the air, and for the first time Zagreus felt at peace with that uncertain silence. Whatever Thanatos' reaction may be, he did not regret what he had said.
It took him a moment to realize the typing had stopped. He heard a heavy sigh, and the soft clink of glasses being placed on the desk. Curiosity prompted him to open his eyes and he saw that Thanatos had turned around in his chair and was looking at him. His expression was unreadable, but his focus was undivided. Zagreus felt like he was being pinned to a board, like a butterfly to be examined.
"Than?"
"Is that what you think, Zagreus? That I don't feel anything for you?"
Thanatos' voice was measured, and it was this that rang the alarm bells in Zagreus' mind, for their years of friendship had taught him that this perfect restraint pointed to a storm brewing under the surface. It struck him that, in his readiness to take Thanatos' avoidance as disinterest, he had failed to account for the fact that Thanatos was a well of consciously-repressed emotion. Where Zagreus wore his heart on his sleeve, Thanatos guarded his own with zeal. His apparent detachment when faced with a difficult conversation was no more than a bid to stay afloat in the depth of his own feelings. And seeing how hard he was trying to seem calm now told Zagreus that he had pushed too far. He chose his next words with care.
"That's the impression I got last time we had this conversation. Was I wrong? I told you that I care deeply about you, and you all but ran away from me, Than. After that, I assumed you weren't interested."
Then the storm hit.
"I ran away? You have some nerve to say that, Zag." Thanatos let out a wry laugh that shook his frame. When he spoke again, his voice was brimming with all that he had been holding back. "You're the one who's leaving. Aren't you? You've been itching to get out of Styx since you arrived, and now you have your ticket. I won't begrudge you that, if it's what you want, but you don't get to judge me either. Or what? Did you expect me to run into your arms like it's that easy?"
Zagreus sat up in bed and put up his hands, reeling. "Hold on. Is this about the scholarship? What's that got to do with anything?"
"In case it escaped your notice so far, Zagreus, Olympus is across the country. You're saying that would have no bearing on us?"
"Across the country is still driveable! I've driven there to see my mum tons of times! And I didn't even dare hope there could be an us, since you didn't say anything!"
He had not meant for the words to ring like an accusation, but they did. Tension gripped Thanatos' shoulders as if he'd been struck. Seeing him then, Zagreus was put in mind of a cornered animal, as if even now, in his own room, a part of Thanatos was looking for a way out. He was visibly upset, scrambling against the fear that he had revealed too much, desperately trying to build his walls back up, to rein in whatever he was feeling. Whatever it was, it was a big feeling, and it would cast a big shadow over them for a long time if Zagreus allowed him to hide it away again, so he did not.
"I don't want to fight, Than," he said, voice a gentle entreaty. He patted a spot next to him on the mattress. "Come sit with me. Please."
No more than ten feet separated them, but the distance felt vast. There was an invisible line drawn in that space. If Thanatos gave in, and crossed, their relationship might be forever changed. Then again, perhaps their relationship had always been this: two people daring to take chances on each other because the bond they shared was more important than their respective fears.
Thanatos met Zagreus' eyes, and Zagreus saw that he understood. All the hurt and defensiveness drained from his frame, and he took a chance. He padded over and sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at Zagreus.
"I don't want to fight, either." He sighed, and was silent for a few moments, seemingly struggling to find the right words. Zagreus did not push him further. Eventually he settled on, "I don't mean to make you feel guilty about the scholarship. I think you should take it, if you want it. I shouldn't factor into your decision. I made up my mind to support you, and I will. But when you said you have feelings for me, you complicated everything." He let out an exasperated chuckle. "As you do."
Zagreus shuffled away from the wall to sit closer, watching Thanatos for any signs that he may withdraw again. His amber eyes widened ever so slightly, but he stayed where he was. Whatever was going through his mind, he was not backing out this time. And, Zagreus decided, neither was he.
"Thanatos, listen. What I feel for you, it's not a passing fancy. You matter to me, a lot, and I don't see that changing. Even if I go to Olympus, I wouldn't be leaving you behind. I couldn't. You know that, right?"
"I know. You're not the type to ditch your friends just like that." He paused, as if he were struggling against his instinct to hide away. There was a kernel of something raw and vulnerable in his voice when he spoke again. "But even if you stay in contact, I'm going to miss having you here. I didn't realize how much I was going to miss you until you decided to leave. The intensity of my feelings… it scared me, Zag."
"You're an intense kind of person," Zagreus said, and felt his stomach flip when Thanatos laughed.
"You're not wrong." There was so much fondness in the way he looked at Zagreus then, his eyes crinkling at the edges, his smile making dimples at the corners of his mouth. He was beautiful, and Zagreus could not look away. Then the slant of Thanatos' eyes turned serious again, and he said, "Zagreus, when you confessed to me… I had this terrible thought out of nowhere, that if I were honest with you, and told you that your feelings are mutual, maybe you would stay. I was disgusted with myself for thinking that, even for a second. So I… distanced myself. I'm sorry if that made you think I don't care. I do. I don't want you to leave without knowing that."
And Zagreus found that he knew. It was plain in the way Thanatos looked at him. He should have been bold instead of cautious. But he was in time to correct that mistake.
He reached out and took Thanatos' hand. They both looked down at the contact, amazed that it could be so easy as that. Whatever distance had existed between them was gone.
"What happens now?" asked Zagreus.
And Thanatos replied, "I don't know." But he shifted his hand in Zagreus' grip and laced their fingers together, palm against palm.
"If I go to Olympus, it'll be rough not getting to see you everyday anymore. But I don't want us to be… preemptively miserable now because of it."
"'Preemptively miserable', huh. That's an accurate choice of words." With a look of quiet wonder, he started brushing his thumb in soft circles over Zagreus' knuckles. The enamored Zagreus felt that his heart might burst from holding so much love.
It was with great effort that he said, "If you need time to think about it, I'll wait for you, Than. As long as it takes," and meant it.
"It feels like I've been thinking about it forever." Thanatos' gaze dropped to Zagreus' lips, and Zagreus bid a hearty goodbye to the last shreds of his restraint. "Zag, I…"
"Yes," he breathed out, and then Thanatos was kissing him.
Many fantasies had the young Zagreus entertained about this moment. In the reality of the kiss, he forgot them all. The first contact was everything when it happened, and then it was not enough. Thanatos' hand cupped his jaw, fingers laid on top of Zagreus' quickened pulse. He kissed like nothing else mattered, and Zagreus drowned in it. He struggled to inch closer, a feat made nigh impossible by the fastidiously neat bedsheets which pinned him from the waist down. So he threw his arms around Thanatos' neck to pull him in instead, eliciting a small sound of surprise from Thanatos as he braced his other hand against Zagreus' chest to keep his balance. He recovered quickly, and Zagreus smiled into the kiss. He was suddenly overcome with how much he wanted this. The mere notion of taking time and waiting seemed laughable now.
"I'm a fool," said Thanatos, when they broke for air. His voice was hoarse, and the gold in his eyes had all but surrendered to the black of his pupils. "Why didn't I say something sooner? I could've been kissing you this entire time."
"Uh, you said something about fear, I think," the inarticulate Zagreus mumbled.
Thanatos breathed out a laugh. "To hell with that," and closed the distance again.
The first kiss had set a high bar, but Thanatos apparently liked to exceed expectations in everything he did. This time he took it slow, as if he wanted to drag out the moment, and Zagreus could do nothing but hold onto him as his heart pounded in his ears. He was vaguely aware that their current position could not be comfortable for Thanatos, despite his enthusiasm. Carefully, Zagreus pressed closer and moved a hand down to Thanatos' waist, wordlessly nudging him to move and straddle Zagreus' lap instead.
It seemed as though the gist of the message got across, and Thanatos broke away and pulled his legs up onto the bed. He had a dazed look in his eyes, which matched how Zagreus felt—that is to say, hardly able to shake the theory that Asterius had knocked him clean out and all of this was an exceptionally hot fever dream. He distantly heard himself voice that thought, and saw something flicker in Thanatos' eyes, as if the words had pierced his laser focus. Then he cursed.
"Oh, hells, Zagreus. We should stop."
Zagreus paused in the motion of reaching for him again. "Are you okay, Than? Is this going too fast?"
"No, that's not it, you idiot. You're concussed, Zag. You shouldn't be getting your heart rate up like this."
Relief flooded Zagreus to know that he hadn't somehow messed things up. He let out a laugh, and Thanatos threw him a concerned look, so he said, "To be fair, my heart rate has been up for a while, so that ship has sailed. And I feel fine, Than. Better than fine, gods. I feel amazing."
"That's just your hormones. Doesn't mean you're actually fine." Despite his objections, Zagreus thought that he looked rather pleased with himself. Which was fair. Still, Zagreus retaliated by spreading his hand at the nape of Thanatos' neck and carding his fingers through his undercut, and he watched greedily as Thanatos shivered at the touch.
"Achilles only said there was a chance that I might be, so it's not certain." He said it with the intent of putting Thanatos at ease, though he had little hope it would work. Thanatos would worry no matter what he said. "But let's stop, if you're not comfortable."
"Let's stop. I don't want to make your symptoms worse, if you are concussed." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself, and the look he was giving Zagreus did nothing to temper his pounding heart. "I hate Asterius right now."
"Yeah, a little."
But Zagreus couldn't help smiling. He felt like he was walking on clouds, knowing now that he had not imagined the attraction between them. He cupped Thanatos' face, simply because he could, and Thanatos made a low humming sound and leaned into the touch, his scowl softening at once.
"I'll go see Doctor Patroclus tomorrow, get him to check me. Then I'll go see your debate against Elysium College. You'll destroy Theseus," at this Thanatos hummed again, approving, "Asterius will be sad for his stupid boyfriend, and then we'll spend the rest of the day together. Does that sound good?"
"Sounds good." Thanatos turned his face and pressed a kiss to the inside of Zagreus' wrist, which made his heart stutter. Then he shifted and got up from the bed with a sigh.
"Going back to writing your paper?"
Thanatos looked resigned as he said, "I should."
"The desk is so far," cajoled Zagreus. It looked as if Thanatos might utter a response, but he seemed to think better of it. Zagreus pushed on, sensing his advantage. "What if you brought your laptop to bed and sat here with me while you work?"
"This bed is rather small, in case you haven't noticed." Which was not a no.
"I'd say it's just big enough for two people who like each other very much."
"That's not how beds are measured," Thanatos protested, flustered. Zagreus thought it was very cute, and also that he was winning the argument.
"Well, where were you planning to sleep tonight then? On the floor?"
There was a significant pause. "I hadn't thought that far yet." Which sounded like a lie, because, unlike Zagreus, Thanatos always thought ahead. "There's a mattress pad that was left behind when I moved into this room. I could sleep on that."
"What? You can't be serious. We can both fit on the bed, look." Zagreus shifted to lie on his side, with his back against the wall, as compact as he could be while maintaining some measure of comfort. It left enough room for another person to sit or lie down, as long as they didn't sprawl, and Thanatos was not the sprawling type. "See? It's perfect. You're sleeping with me tonight."
Thanatos looked like he'd had to bite back a laugh, and said, "I don't mind the demanding attitude, but I thought we agreed to keep our hands to ourselves tonight."
Zagreus, just then realizing the double entendre, thought that he might burst into flame and solve the matter of the bed by way of having combusted into thin air. "That's not what I—you—you know that's not what I meant. You're trying to distract me."
"Succeeding, I think."
So Thanatos liked to tease. Fine. That was fine. Zagreus was okay with thinking about that instead of getting any sleep ever again. "What happened to your concern about my heart rate? Shut up and get your books and stuff and come sit with me while you work or I'm going to kiss you stupid and you'll never finish that paper."
"I don't think threats are supposed to be tempting, but alright." He did laugh then, a rich, low sound that added a new layer of unfairness to the whole interaction. "Hold on, then. I'll be right back."
He walked his smug and handsome self back to the desk. Zagreus watched him stop to consider the half-moon of reference notes and books laid out around his laptop, which ended up being the only piece of the arrangement he gathered up. Then he dimmed the lights in the room, leaving them just bright enough to see by, and returned to the bed.
Despite his earlier insistence, Zagreus knew sitting on a semi-double bed to work with another person taking up space could not be all that comfortable, and he felt both sorry and charmed by the way the ever-graceful Thanatos perched on the mattress and uttered no complaint. Zagreus realized he was staring, but saw no reason to stop.
"Does the blue light off the screen bother you?" asked Thanatos, perhaps misinterpreting the attention.
"No, it's fine. Don't worry about it."
"You should rest, then. Goodnight, Zag."
Thanatos smiled down at him, and all Zagreus could giddily think was how handsome that smile made him look, and how many chances Zagreus might yet find to coax it from him. He let his eyes fall closed, lulled by that thought and the enveloping warmth it carried.
"Night, Than."
He was beginning to doze when, wickedly, like a needle threatening to burst that bubble, came the intrusive remembrance of Olympus. For the first time, the vague dread he had felt at the progressive realization of his plans took on a definite shape: I should enjoy these moments while we're both in the same place.
As if his thought had traveled unspoken, he felt Thanatos' eyes on him a few moments longer before the typing resumed, and eventually lulled Zagreus off to sleep.