Chapter Text
TPH-PAT-17E9
Two Point Hospital - Patient Report
General Practitioner: Dr. Adam Cummings
Patient: Mr Simon Trant
Abstract: Patient presents dry cough expelling thick black smoke. Non-smoker. No history of respiratory illness.
Diagnosis: NFS
Treatment: Throat Lozenge, PRATBO
END OF REPORT
NFS - Normal for Smogley
PRATBO - Patient reassured and told to bugger off
TPH-PAT-49H2
Two Point Hospital - Patient Report
General Practitioner: Dr Simon Sharpe
Patient: Mr Lewis Simpson
Abstract: Patient displays variety of symptoms (Spasms, Drooling, Excessive sweating, Irritability, Rasping breath, Irregular heartbeat, Uncontrolled urination, Chronic Flatulence).
Referred for further diagnosis (General Diagnosis, Cardio, Fluid Analysis, DNA Lab, X-ray, M.E.G.A Scan).
Diagnosis: Inconclusive. SEFB.
Treatment: Referred to Pharmacy, TEETH.
END OF REPORT
SEFB- Strange Even for Blighton
TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
TPH-PAT-56U7
Two Point Hospital - Patient Report
General Practitioner: Dr Adrian Small
Patient: Mrs Diane Turner
Abstract: Patient compulsively repeating words including L’s, K’s or D’s.
Diagnosis: Inconsonant
Treatment: Referred to the Freud Squad
END OF REPORT
Freud Squad - Psychiatrists
TPH-PAT-31Q9
Two Point Hospital - Patient Report
General Practitioner: Dr Hayley Sharpe
Patient: Mr Daniel Albright
Abstract: Patient presents no clear symptoms. Patient refuses to undergo diagnosis without Lawyer present. Attorney is known AC. Probable attempt at malpractice lawsuit.
Diagnosis: Diagnosis inconclusive. Patient referred for invasive bowel examination.
Treatment: TBD, subject to further diagnosis.
END OF REPORT
AC - Ambulance Chaser
TPH-PAT-37N3
Two Point Hospital - Patient Report
General Practitioner: Dr Samuel Coop
Patient: Mr Jeb Hill
Abstract: Patient insists government has implanted him with a ‘Mind Control Chip’. Examination of the patient’s posterior identified an integrated circuit embedded in the patients’ skin.
Diagnosis: Fell over in an electrical goods store
Treatment: Pair of pliers, plaster
END OF REPORT
TPH-PAT-99V7
Two Point Hospital - Patient Report
General Practitioner: Dr Madison Strange
Patient: Ms Cecelia Brown
Abstract: Patient describes fluttering feeling in abdomen. Auscultation identified regular mechanical ticking sound in chest cavity. No medical history of pacemaker. Patient recently underwent Surgery (Pipe Organs. See TPH-PAT-41Y5, Dr Leonard Walker attending physician).
Diagnosis: Positively Ticked Off
Treatment: Further surgery to recover retained item lodged in sternum (Dr Walkers Rolex)
END OF REPORT
TPH-PAT-62B9
Two Point Hospital - Patient Report
General Practitioner: Dr Martin Abrams
Patient: Her Royal Highness Princess Rose Windor of Canteberry
Abstract: Patient exhibits compulsive behaviour towards waving and asking any person they encounter ‘And what do you do?’
Diagnosis: Monarchism. Patient is convinced that they are a long-lost member of a long defunct royal line.
Treatment: Revolutionary Therapy
Treatment involves the subject being led onto a balcony overlooking the cheering masses of their subjects. Once the subject’s compulsion for waving has reached its peak the cheering masses are swiftly replaced by angry Republicans who force them to accept a Constitutional Monarchy.
END OF REPORT
TPH-PAT-49R1
Two Point Hospital - Patient Report
General Practitioner: Dr Amanda Proud
Patient: Mrs Maribelle Irish
Abstract: Symptoms of age-related illness observed. Patient placed under observation and palliative care in the Ward. Patient unresponsive during routine check-up. Multiple cups of cold tea identified on the patient’s bedside table.
Diagnosis: Tea Cooling Down revised to Cold Tea Syndrome
Treatment: BLFTN
END OF REPORT
Tea Cooling Down - Patient Dying
Cold Tea Syndrome - Patient Dead
BLFTN - Bit Late for That Now
TPH-PAT-28W9
Two Point Hospital - Patient Report
General Practitioner: Dr Abagail Wright
Patient: Mr Douglas Cobham
Abstract: Placed a pen torch in the patient’s mouth, and their whole head lit up.
Diagnosis: Pumpkin Positive
Treatment: Referred to Pharmacy for a skull hardener
END OF REPORT
TPH-PAT-21G5
Two Point Hospital - Patient Report
General Practitioner: Dr Nigel Shepard
Patient: Mr David Johnson
Abstract: Patient constantly writing sappy online Fanfictions
Diagnosis: Writer’s Unblock
Treatment: Patient sent Home, there’s no help for them now.
END OF REPORT