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Erik is restless. The last time he and Charles were in bed together, Erik looked Charles in the eye and saw not only lust and pleasure, but also sentiment, and in his mind it became clear that he wanted to have that look at himself over and over again. That night Erik stayed awake while Charles slept snuggled against him, sated and happy. Could he and Charles be happy together? It is not so much the question that robs him of sleep, but the awareness of wanting this hypothetical happiness. It is a desire that is beyond his self-control, it does not bend to his need to always know exactly what is happening to him.
Charles' breathing is silent and regular, his body warm and soft. Charles' room, his huge bed, are the perfect refuge. As he moves slowly and lets one of Charles' legs slip between his, Erik thinks that if he stays too long he will eventually lose everything. Because this is the leitmotif of his life: separation, loss, pain, and he is not ready to lose Charles. Something similar to a feeling of mere selfishness, however, keeps him there, bound to Westchester, to Charles, to their nights together. He can't get away. He has always done so, but now he is not able to. This weakness upsets him, he doesn't know how to deal with it. It is clear that he and Charles have stopped being lovers, maybe they were never really lovers. Maybe love has always been there, but only now it is so obvious that it can no longer be ignored. Maybe... maybe... how many damn doubts... bloody, unbearable uncertainty!
Irritated by his own thoughts, Erik lets a muffled puff slip. It is a little more than a puff, but it is enough to make Charles move. The young man is asleep. He kisses Erik's shoulder and resumes sleeping next to him, a hand resting softly between Erik's navel and groin. The feeling of warmth radiated by that touch is so pleasant that for a few moments Erik forgets his doubts and thinks that that apparently banal contact is the essence of what exists between the two of them. For Erik, love is Charles' hand resting on his belly.
It is still dark when Erik notices that the rhythm of Charles' breathing has changed.
"You're awake... I didn't want to disturb you."
Charles lets out a subdued giggle. He touches Erik's shoulder with his lips and then lifts himself up to kiss his neck.
"You're agitated..." Charles whispers to him without stopping brushing Erik's skin with his lips.
"You're wrong"
"Bollocks"
Erik raises an eyebrow but says nothing.
"You've been nervous for days. I respect the intimacy of your thoughts, but I'm not an idiot."
Erik would like to explain to Charles what it is that doesn't make him sleep. But the only thing he can do is to take Charles' hand and put it back on himself, as before.
"Not now, please Liebling"
"OK"
Charles goes back to sleep rather quickly, while Erik stays awake for a long time before falling into a restless sleep.
Around five o'clock in the morning Erik is awakened by the almost unreal sensation of Charles' mouth tightly closed around him. After he's made him come, Charles returns next to Erik and wraps them both with the blankets.
There are conversations that Erik cannot or does not want to face. Trying to push him to talk would shut him up even more in himself. Charles does not even consider reading his mind. If he did so without his permission, Erik would be capable of destroying the house in anger at being violated.
Charles knows, however, that it is possible to communicate with Erik through their bodies as well. Thus he has decided that until the other one feels able to speak freely, that will be one of the ways to show him that he is safe, loved, and above all that Charles has faith in the two of them.
In the days that followed Erik often tried to speak, but each time he gave up. He is afraid. He is afraid that Charles will change his mind, that he will tell him that his cause is lost, and that he does not have the strength to stand by him and endure his dark sides.
Love should be a meeting point. It should keep them close. The two of them, on the other hand, are extremely distant, at least Erik feels distant from Charles, and he is so sure of himself that he doesn't notice that Charles keeps moving towards him and is waiting for him.
It is morning, Erik and Charles are having breakfast alone in the kitchen. The others are already outside, busy with their trainings.
"We haven't talked about the other night," Charles says suddenly without lifting his eyes from his tea.
"There's not much to say..."
"I just want to understand, Erik"
Erik avoids looking Charles in the eye. It is unusual for him, but he knows that he will not be able to speak and hold Charles' gaze at the same time.
"I like it here" he says after a few minutes of silence. He is weighing every word, he is not sure of what he wants and doesn't want to say to Charles, although he knows that at any moment his every thought can be discovered.
"I like it here with you. I thought it would no longer be possible for me to have a place that was home".
"Stay, then"
"I wish some things were different. If they were different, maybe everything would be simpler".
"I don't follow you"
"You are a telepath and you are not following me? Are you kidding me?"
"I'm a telepath and I've chosen not to violate your thoughts, so please explain better."
Erik lets a sigh escape.
"I don't want to ruin everything, ruin you."
"I'm sure you won't"
"Haven't you seen me, Charles?!?"
"I can see you. I saw you that night in Miami, in the bay. And then the rest came. That's enough for me, Erik. I love you, and I don't understand why you don't want to admit it, since your feelings are obvious."
“…”
"Are you in love with me? Be honest, please"
"Yes"
"Do you love me?"
“….”
"Erik..."
"Yes"
"Do you want to stay here? Together?"
"Yes"
"Let's start with this, okay? There's no need to worry about the future."
"Charles... when I stop, when I bond with someone... it ends badly. Always..."
"Stop it. I can take care of myself, trust me."
Charles knows he has to bring the conversation on a lighter tone.
"We could start with a small change, for example"
“?”
"You could move into the room next to mine, or the one opposite. I don't like that you sleep in the room downstairs"
"But the others..."
"Don't worry about the others. If there is one thing that is not lacking here, it is acceptance. If they don't have a problem with Hank's blue fur or Raven's mutation, they might as well understand us."
Erik smiles. Charles is stubborn and too optimistic, perhaps, but he has a point.
Maybe... maybe it's time to learn to enjoy some of this unexpected happiness and to finally feel good.