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It was already getting dark outside when they left the small cafe by the shore, one of their favorites since their highschool years, one to which they would come back to every now and then, whenever they found time to meet and talk about minor things and just enjoy their day off.
And days off were rare for them now, as they both were getting more and more popular with every performance, travelling longer distances to play in front of different audiences in Japan and overseas. It was easy having Rei accept proposals for them, Kaoru only having to practice hard like never before, focusing on his job not to let the rest of UNDEAD down. He felt like he owed them as much.
But it only meant that he had less and less time to see Chiaki, his heart conflicted. He missed him, in a way that made him feel empty whenever he thought about going abroad for a longer time. He longed to see him, but no matter how much he liked to spend his time with Chiaki, it still hurt. Because he knew that in the end, Chiaki was better off without him. Whenever he sat in front of him, a table the only thing separating them, he couldn’t help but stare at his face wondering how his life would look like if he wasn’t a coward.
Chiaki was the hero, he didn’t deserve a weakling like Kaoru to follow him with his unrequited feelings. But that’s exactly why he still agreed every time Chiaki called him, asking to go out for lunch or to watch some new tokusatsu show that he was so eager for. Kaoru was weak and he knew that, that’s why he agreed always, suffering for another month after a couple of hours of happiness. He only allowed himself to imagine all the what-ifs when he was alone, in the silence of his own room where no one would see just how pathetic he looked, pining after his friend since high school. Him, who was considered a person so easy with affection and ready to steal hearts of everyone, couldn’t steal the one heart he wanted the most.
It was one of the quiet days for Chaiki, it seemed. A rare one, despite the fact that at the beginning of their meeting he tried his hardest to appear cheerful, trying to keep up his usual persona. But Kaoru knew him well enough, watched him from a safe distance for years now to know from the way he slumped his shoulders and wrung his fingers in front of himself to notice that something wasn’t right.
Once their food arrived Chiaki seemed to give up finally as he pushed the food on his plate, refusing to meet Kaoru’s eyes. Kaoru tried his best to keep the conversation going, talking about his latest tour and a funny story about Koga backstage. Chiaki nodded along, but Karou wasn’t even sure he was listening to any of his words and when they were done with the food he proposed they went on a walk, Chiaki agreeing, clearly needing to breathe.
Now they walked along the shore with shoes in their hands, Chiaki looking at the waves, deep in thought.
Kaoru sat down on the sand at some point, dragging Chiaki down along with him, not a single soul around. He looked up at the stars above them as he gave Chiaki time and space to decide whether he wanted to speak or not, Kaoru appreciating his company no matter what, his feelings for him not limited to just his cheerful persona. Kaoru ran his hands through the now cold sand, drawing patterns with the tip of his fingers between their legs. Chiaki was hugging his knees as he dropped his shoes nearby, forgetting himself as he stared at the sea from behind his glasses.
“I wish what other people really thought of me,” he said finally, his voice unusually soft and quiet, a stark contrast to how he would speak to other people. It made Kaoru’s chest squeeze, just the thought that Chiaki was comfortable enough around him to become this vulnerable, spilling what was on his mind currently without feeling the need to hide behind a facade.
Kaoru stared ahead of him, following the waves with his eyes as he desperately tried not to look at Chiaki, knowing that just seeing him like this would end up in Kaoru making a big mistake, saying or doing something that will ruin their friendship forever. He wanted to be the person Chiaki came to when he needed to rest or talk, without the fear of being judged. He oh so desperately wanted to be important to him.
He had the general idea of what other people thought of Chiaki. That he was strong and admirable, always there for other people even if his own life would be falling apart. That he was gentle despite his loud personality and he was a constant presence in his juniors’ lives, making them more determined to go and make their dreams come true because they all knew that Chiaki would be there to support them whenever they needed him.
“Wouldn’t you want to know?” Chiaki asked, looking at Kaoru from the corner of his eye.
“I guess,” he answered, stretching his legs in front of him, not caring about how the sand got into his clothes and how annoying it will be to get rid of it later.
“I love you,” he thought. “I love you so much it hurts.”
But he was not ready to say it out loud and maybe he will never be.
Chiaki sighed at his answer and leaned down to rest on the cooling sand and look at the stars above them with wonder. Kaoru followed his movements, putting his arm under his head not to get too much sand in his hair.