Chapter Text
Wei Wuxian is the only mistake he’s ever made, brother Xichen had said. Wangji didn’t consider his stubbornness to protect the Yiling Patriarch a mistake, no matter how little he saw recently of Wei Ying in that man. He never truly regretted crossing swords with friends and foes alike, never felt that he had made the wrong decision by taking Wei Ying away and fighting off all thirty-three Gusu Lan sect members that had come to change his mind.
But one thing… there was one thing Wangji truly couldn’t let go of, a regret that made him clench his teeth for long months to come with bitterness so deep he had never imagined it could exist. Wei Ying died, and the news struck him like lightning, barely comprehensible in spite of the simple wording.
That day saw a blood-soaked, weakened Lan Wangji rushing to Yiling with every ounce of power he had left in that body of his, yet he couldn’t find a single trace of the man he held so dear. Destroyed by his own creatures, people had said and the mere thought made Wangji feel an unbearable, crushing sensation that just wouldn’t leave no matter how many deep breaths he took to regain a sense of control.
Wei Ying was gone. Not just hurling painful words his way and retreating to a distant piece of land, surrounded by corpses. He was gone so thoroughly from the world as Wangji knew it that even his guqin’s strings were of no help, no matter how much effort he put into asking every soul if they knew about Wei Wuxian.
With bleeding fingertips and an equally bleeding heart, he brought a small child back to Gusu Lan, unwilling to settle for any less than raising him as one of their own. With a head full of thoughts about Wei Wuxian, he drank bottle after bottle of Emperor’s smile just to get a fraction of that man back by drinking the same thing he had. He woke the next morning with a terrible ache in more parts of his body than he could count, but most prominently in his chest. What he had thought to be his heart literally breaking to pieces was in fact a brand mark – or perhaps the combination of those two. Wangji’s body might have been on fire but his mind was too numb to process reality, that no matter what he did, the one he loved was gone.
Brother Xichen came to visit him. Wangji let him speak but didn’t say anything, nor did he respond to his uncle who seemed ready to break down at any moment, his anger barely covering the concern for Wangji.
It didn’t matter. He laid in bed for weeks – silent and miserable in a way he had never been before. The world was starting to blur and one day he woke up to an intangible mess of colors and voices, his senses no longer serving him as they used to.
What an interesting one… souls as pained as you would immediately return to haunt, calming ceremony or not. Yet this howling soul of yours is still intact, refusing to scatter. Tell me Lan Wangji, what do you want?
The voice seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time, he couldn’t make sense of it, didn’t even feel his body turning. Words didn’t leave his lips and yet somehow his thoughts echoed in this strange, incomprehensible space.
Who are you?
Does it matter who I am? I wonder… are you even aware that you’re dead?”
Dead? He was dead?
… then Wei Ying- is Wei Ying here too?
Even if he really was dead, even if he only had his soul left, he would find Wei Ying at all costs, he would-
You’re searching for the most complicated case I’ve ever met… Lan Wangji, Lan Wangji… I have an idea.
Wangji was equal part hopeful and suspicious. Could this creature, this god, this demon, this whatever possibly offer him a way to find Wei Ying? Or was this some sort of trap, set by someone knowing that he would go to the end of the world of both living and dead for that man?
You don’t trust me, huh? Oh well, it doesn’t matter. Just answer this one question – if you had the power to change the fate of the soul you seek, would you?
It wasn’t even a question.
Yes, echoed the word in Lan Wangji’s head, loud and clear as if he had said it for all the world to hear. Of course he would. For Wei Ying… for Wei Ying, he had done so many things and would do much more. Being dead or alive didn’t change a thing.
Then go and prove yourself.
Wangji had many questions, including but not limited to how he was supposed to do anything when he couldn’t even tell where his soul ended and this confusing cacophony of colors and sounds began. However his thoughts were cut short by an incredibly strong sense of pull that he shouldn’t have been able to feel without an actual body.
The next thing he knew, Wangji was panting like he had been running for his life. But wait… that meant he could draw breath, that he was alive. Had that strange conversation been a fever dream?
But the place he woke up was neither the Jingshi, nor the pristine white bed of the medical wing. It was by the walls of Gusu, an arm’s reach from an old tree that his body gravitated towards. Wangji felt incredibly weak, yet more alive than ever and that made little sense, unless he believed that exchange from before to be true.
It took a lot not to throw up against that tree bark ungracefully – it was as if someone had removed his inner organs at some point and now carelessly shoved them back into his body.
What’s going on?
He looked at his other hand that was shaking slightly.
Breathe in, breathe out. Maintain control.
It took a while but Wangji managed to both straighten himself and bring his unusually strong heartbeat under control. Now it was time to figure out what he was doing in the gardens instead of being in confinement-
He saw a flash of gold under the faint moonlight. Lanling Jin’s uniforms were easily recognizable from afar, even though he hadn’t seen them in a while personally. What caught his attention the most thought was that he could have sworn that was Jin Zixuan’s side profile, which was ridiculous because the man had died… by the hands of Wei Ying, according to most. This couldn’t be real. However just as Wangji was about to follow that familiar uniform to investigate, he spotted a figure vaulting over the wall and landing little more than an arm’s length away from him.
Wangji’s heart might have started beating again, but now it was in danger of stopping.
He knew that face. He knew the eyes sparkling with mischief, the lips so easily pulling into a grin, the confident way one hand touched down on the ground while the other was cradling two bottles as if they were precious.
“… Wei Ying.”
“Hm?”
For a moment Wei Ying seemed confused, looking around to see who called his name, only to realize that the one in question had been standing right in front of him.
“Oh- um, hi? Wei Ying, that’s me all right,” he moved from surprise to cheerful chatter with a familiar ease, something that had been lacking from most of his conversations lately. This wasn’t the Wei Ying that had told Wangji to leave him alone and scram. This was the lively, naively curious one that had likely just arrived in Gusu for visiting uncle Qiren’s lessons. “I wonder how you know my name though, have we met before? No,” Wei Ying leaned a little closer, looking at Wangji’s face as if he was seeing it the first time… but all things considered, this Wei Ying probably did see him for the first time in that moment. “I think I would remember if we did… although Jiang Cheng does say all the time that I have a terrible memory.”
He even chuckled, that careless, breezy one that made Wangji’s heart clench in an indescribable way. On the outside he most likely seemed frozen like a statue, but on the inside a thousand thoughts were warring with each other.
“Huh? Are you okay? You’ve been staring at me for a while.”
Wangji opened his mouth to say something but couldn’t actually speak. Not when his mind was providing him with things like thank god you’re alive or I’ll protect you this time. Those things only made sense to him, not a fifteen years old Wei Ying who had just met him on his first night in Cloud Recesses.
“… welcome,” Wangji managed to say after a few seconds of increasingly awkward silence. It wasn’t even near what he wanted to tell this young man but… “welcome to Gusu,” he added awkwardly, as if he had forgotten how to speak during the brief time he most likely spent dead. The truth was though that he had never learned how to speak to Wei Ying without reprimanding him or unintentionally making the other think he was an enemy. This was going to take work. So much work.
“Thanks,” Wei Ying’s confusion melted into a smile, the kind that made Wangji feel pain and incredible relief at the same time. How long would it take for him to get used to this, to see this version of Wei Ying again? And how would he prevent the tragedies awaiting them?
They were questions for which he would have to find an answer, but for now… for now Wei Ying was right in front of him, bowing in that theatrical way of his.
“I’m glad to have ran into someone friendly like you tonight – people say Gusu Lan’s guards are tough when they catch you.”
“…”
Wangji tried suppressing a sigh, poorly. It went unnoticed by Wei Ying who launched into a retelling of his experiences in Caiyi town when he realized that something was amiss.
“Hang on, I forgot to ask your name. You are…?”
“Lan Wangji,” he replied, hoping that the name would sound familiar and at the same time dreading that Wei Ying would frown again, seeing nothing more than a hostile ally in him, someone ready to drag him to be punished. “Lan Zhan,” he added with a faint hope he didn’t dare to name.
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying repeated the name in a way one would taste a new flavor of tea, casually observing how it rolled off his tongue. “Well, Lan Zhan, I have Emperor’s Smile with me and I brought enough to share. Care to join me and my friends in the dorm?”
The offer, made so casually as if the one standing in front of him was an easygoing Yunmeng disciple and not the second jade of Lan, caused Wangji to do a double take. In their previous lives, Wei Ying had never invited him to- No, that wasn’t true. What Wangji had believed to be mocking back at the time might just have been sincere attempts like this to make him join what those other disciples found fun.
However the burn of Emperor’s Smile in his mind would forever be tied to the deep, unbearable loss of Wei Ying.
“No,” he refused immediately, only to see Wei Ying flinching slightly at the harsh tone. Was this going to be their fate then? Wangji keep reacting so rigidly, as he had always been taught to, and Wei Ying hating him for it? Unfortunately experience showed that even with the best intentions, Wangji wasn’t able to save the one he loved. Perhaps if Wei Ying trusted him a little more from the start…
“I don’t like the taste,” he admitted the half-truth.
“Really? I heard it’s one of the best though,” Wei Ying mused out loud, “well, suit yourself.”
He was about to leave, which for Wangji who had just regained him by some miracle felt like a little too soon.
“Wait,” he couldn’t help calling out. It made Wei Ying stop and turn back, head tilted slightly to the side.
“What is it?”
“Drinking is forbidden in Gusu,” Wangji recited the rule. One that he had broken himself not such a long time ago. “So... don’t let anyone find out.”
Wei Ying’s eyes widened, then a familiar, mischievous glint appeared in them a moment later.
“Oh I see – very well, Lan Zhan, I’ll take your advice to heart, it’s our secret then.”
Our secret. It wasn’t what Wangji had originally intended but what Wei Ying was about to do was a simple night of drinking with his friends. A fifteen years old Wangji had fought him for violating the rules. The him now, who had lost Wei Ying to demonic cultivation thought that this was something he could turn a blind eye to.
“Hm,” he nodded in agreement, hoping that Wei Ying would trust him with many more secrets in the future.
That night he didn’t sleep a wink. At least this younger body of his was already strong enough to handle a few days of skipping such deep rest and thus Wangji spent those silent hours of the night thinking back to all that had happened to Wei Ying, to the things that led him down the path he ultimately followed to his death.
On the first day of instructions, Wei Ying brought up the topic of resentful energy and Wangji felt his blood running cold. Before uncle Qiren could have replied in righteous anger, Wangji stood up, not turning around to look into Wei Ying’s eyes but his words were meant for him anyway.
“While it is theoretically possible, the risks are too great. Resentful energy by its nature is capable of slipping past the user’s control. Even if a cultivator is skilled and believes himself to be in full control, there might come a moment in which he’s overwhelmed by emotions or is otherwise hindered and the resentful energy might turn against him,” Wangji explained as if he was reading from a book, his voice stable in spite of the turmoil inside. There was a strong urge to add you could be torn apart by your own army, so don’t rush to your death so earnestly, but of course it wouldn’t have made sense to anyone. “Besides, it harms the body by eroding stamina and spiritual veins as well as eroding the mind by slowly turning the user insane. Demonic cultivation is forbidden for a reason.”
Wei Ying laughed it off as him not thinking any of that too seriously and uncle Qiren looked both rather perplexed that Wangji cared for such topics and impressed by his nephew’s scope of knowledge.
The following days felt a little like a dream – a Cloud Recesses that had yet to see scorching fire, his own body not yet marked by thirty-three lashes and most importantly… seeing Wei Ying alive, cheerful and so unaware of what would await him in the future.
I won’t let it happen again, Wangji thought one day as he watched the object of his affections loudly laughing with a few friends, blatantly violating the rules about silence in Cloud Recesses. He couldn’t find it in himself to scold Wei Ying in this life.
“Oh hey, Lan Zhan!”
The two beside Wei Ying froze, not at all sharing the enthusiasm with which the energetic Yunmeng head disciple was waving. He nearly smacked Jiang Wanyin in the face while doing so and Wangji felt a sense of satisfaction at that – this Jiang Wanyin had yet to turn against his adopted brother, but Wangji didn’t forget their future.
“Lan Zhan~!”
“Wei Ying,” he spoke softly, nodding that way. It made Nie Huaisang’s mouth slowly open to the point the boy could have caught flies if he stayed like that for too long.
Wei Ying left his friends behind in favor or running towards Wangji, and if the latter’s heart started beating faster from just that, then at least his face remained impassive enough not to show it. This Wei Ying wasn’t so sharp around the edges as the one he had protected in the cave but… Wangji’s desperate attempt to let the man know about his love led to nothing but heartbreak. He would be careful not to let his emotions get the best of him this time around, silently working from the sides to make sure Wei Ying didn’t walk the same destructive path again. If Wei Ying was safe and happy again, then that was going to be enough for Wangji.
“Lan Zhan, you must help me,” Wei Ying whined theatrically, dramatic to the point where tears gathered in his eyes. “That Lan Qiren – he wants me to copy all three thousand rules of Cloud Recesses! Twice! Lan Zhan, you can’t let him do this to me, this is so cruel-“
“Shut up, you idiot,” Jiang Wanyin yelled from the background, “you’re talking to the student in charge of punishment, stop digging your grave already!”
“Eh?!”
Wei Ying’s eyes widened upon hearing that – it seemed that he really didn’t know until then that Wangji had always been the head of punishments in Gusu.
“… ahaha,” he laughed awkwardly, “oops? Let’s pretend you didn’t hear me Lan Zhan, I-“
“Come with me,” Wangji spoke, trying his best to keep memories at bay, memories where he had pleaded using those words, begged Wei Ying to go back with him to Cloud Recesses so that he could protect the man. Words that were taken as insults and thrown back in his face.
“… Lan Zhan?”
“Library.”
“Nononononono-“
Wangji dragged him there. In a light grip, mind you, one even a young Wei Ying could have escaped from without overexerting himself but apparently this Wei Ying preferred complaining dramatically to actually making an attempt to flee and Wangji… A part of him felt grounded by having Wei Ying close, holding on to at least the illusion that he could keep the other from straying.
Stay with me, Wei Ying, a traitorous little voice pleaded, let me protect you this time.
There were disciples who saw them on the way, the infamous Lan Wangji dragging the new student towards the library’s building and many of them showed compassion for his poor “victim”. Initially Wei Ying joked with them, saying that they should definitely burn paper money for him once he dropped dead from copying all those rules. However as they approached the steps leading into the library, he grew more silent, a bit pensive even.
“Hey Lan Zhan,” he spoke softly, the earlier dramatic tone gone as if it had never been present at all.
“Hm?”
“Are you really like that?”
“Like what?”
The two of them walked into the main area where Wangji would usually sit in peaceful silence and transcribe old books in new volumes so that the knowledge would remain even when the original paper faded to the point of being illegible. It was there that he finally let go of Wei Ying’s arm, the loss of contact being a little strange after the minutes they spent connected.
“Like… your uncle, I guess? People say you’re cold and a little like a walking rule book but it can’t be true, right? You didn’t report me for bringing alcohol here. I know you didn’t report me for staying out after bedtime yesterday either.”
Of course he didn’t. Wangji’s heart was still in a bit of disarray and seeing Wei Ying alive, no matter how many rules he broke in the process, was the only soothing balm he had at the moment. After having held a cold, injured and barely even conscious Wei Ying in his arms while fighting his own family, reminding Wei Ying not to laugh too loud or not to run within Cloud Recesses felt like insignificant matters. It became easier to pretend he didn’t notice those small things, easier to just bask in the light of that bright smile that faded all too soon with the rise of Qishan Wen and then Lanling Jin.
He couldn’t possibly put any of those thoughts to words so Wangji took his seat at his usual place and pointed at the one opposite of him for Wei Ying to take.
“… really now? Is there no way I can get out of this punishment? Lan Zhan, Lan-er-gege, you’ve been… well, almost nice to me ever since I came here, surely you don’t want me to-“
“Get started,” Wangji reminded him without really raising his voice. Wei Ying’s disappointment was written all over his face and Wangji looked away for the first time since they entered the library. “I’m not saying you have to finish even a thousand today, but get at least some of it done. Uncle will want to see proof.”
And Wangji had never tried faking anyone else’s handwriting before. He wouldn’t start now.
“Fine,” Wei Ying sighed and plopped down with drooping shoulders, his form obviously not the proper one but Wangji didn’t really mind this time. It was in its own way… endearing. So characteristically Wei Ying.
It didn’t take long for Yunmeng’s troublemaker to grow tired of copying the sect rules and he began complaining about them. Wangji let him, the silencing charm not even crossing his mind. Wei Ying compared Cloud Recesses to Yunmeng, talked enthusiastically about lotus ponds and spoke about taking Wangji there one day. The promise was bittersweet as best, knowing how little Wei Ying actually wanted to do with him in their other life but Wangji listened attentively regardless, basking in the light of what was an alive Wei Wuxian, one full of restless energy and plans for the future.
“Hm,” Wangji hummed at some point, making Wei Ying stop for a moment and look at him dubiously.
“You agreed…?”
“…”
“You really did? Lan Zhan, will you really come to Lotus Pier with me?”
Wangji’s heart was heavy. He remembered harsh words thrown at each other, a cold cave, the brief meeting with Wei Ying while he was living with the Wens. That was a different life, yet Wangji couldn’t easily leave it behind when it was his only ace now, the knowledge of future events the only way for him to try and prevent them from happening.
Would he go to Lotus Pier with Wei Ying? It was just a question thrown at him on a whim, Wei Ying had always been like that but-
“… if that’s what Wei Ying wants.”
Needless to say, there was very little copying done that day. Wangji still dutifully carried the papers to his uncle who gave him a stern look.
“That Wei Wuxian is not taking his punishment seriously!”
It was strongly implied that he should have done more to make that happen but Wei Ying copying the rules had never done anyone good in their earlier lives – they went in one ear and out the other.
“That is because I intend for him to understand their importance rather than make him mindlessly copy them. The slower pace is my mistake, uncle.”
It was a blatant lie but one that made his uncle hum and then leave things at that, moving on to different matters. Like the conference he would soon have to attend and the resulting free days the students were – according to him – meant to spend catching up on their studies. Wangji doubted that many of the students actually thought the same.
That evening he patrolled the walls again and Wei Ying landed right next to him on the wall.
“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan!”
His enthusiastic way of calling Wangji’s name was the same, only now it felt less like the Yunmeng cultivator was deliberately trying to go on his nerves and more like an undeserved treat Wangji intended to enjoy to the fullest. Who knew how long it would take until Wei Ying turned on him again, until they could only talk to each other with anger and gritted teeth.
“Look what I found in Caiyi town!”
Where Wangji expected to see yet another bottle of Emperor’s Smile was in fact a small package wrapped tightly in paper. Wangji glanced at it for a moment but he couldn’t really find it any more interesting than the young man carrying it. That way Wei Ying’s eyes brightened whenever he was barely able to keep himself from talking about something occupying his mind, Wangji had missed that.
Wei Ying handed him the small package all of a sudden, a grin nearly splitting his face in half. Wangji hesitated a moment before taking it. This never happened before, he didn’t know what to do.
“Come on, open it, it’s nothing bad, I swear!”
… coming from someone who had once slipped an erotic novel into Wangji’s book of poems it was hardly convincing. But this was still Wei Ying and for better or worse, Wangji had made peace with going through all sorts of shenanigans by his side. Preparing himself for anything and everything, he loosened the string tying the paper together and uncovered its content.
Within his left palm lay three osmanthus cakes, all of them the exact same shape.
“They’re made with lotus root starch,” Wei Ying explained as if he had just delivered some incredibly meaningful piece of information to the Lan. “It’s not the same flavor we have in Yunmeng but it’s good enough, try them, Lan Zhan!”
A snack like that was obviously forbidden after dinner by the rules but Wangji barely even spared that a thought. He just watched Wei Ying, then the strange cakes in his hand.
“Come on Lan Zhan, I know you’ll like them, they are delicious,” Wei Ying encouraged him further and Wangji finally lifted one of them, mind still trying to comprehend what was happening. Every single time Wei Ying had brought him a gift in their previous life, it was something with a side-effect so to speak, like a shameless joke or a simple means to watch him squirm and try to control his anger and embarrassment. Something as simple as cake…
He bit into one of those, carefully. The taste was indeed not bad, the sweetness enjoyable enough, but it couldn’t match the expression on Wei Ying’s face as he awaited the results with bated breath.
“Delicious,” Wangji announced the verdict and Wei Ying’s grin grew even wider if possible. A smile that was just for him to see. Wangji wanted to preserve it forever, wanted to make sure it would always be this bright. What would that take, he wondered, to ensure that Wei Ying could smile like this for all his life?
“I knew it! When you come to Lotus Pier, I’ll have you taste all sorts of sweets and you’ll see just how many things can be made with lotus roots and lotus seeds and-“
Wangji silently handed the remaining two pieces back for Wei Ying to take.
“Huh? What- Lan Zhan, why are you giving those back to me? They are all yours.”
“…”
Oh. He hadn’t expected that.
“Thank you,” Wangji said, two words that so rarely left his lips.
He stood there on top of the wall long after Wei Ying left, holding his gift in hand. Those were the most precious cakes he had ever been given.
The following day, Wei Ying rushed to catch up to him right after their class ended, earning quite a reaction from most of their peers.
“Are you courting death, Wei Wuxian?!”
“… Wei-xiong, that’s still Lan Wangji, maybe you shouldn’t act so casual around him…?”
But of course Wei Ying had always been one to throw caution to the wind.
Halfway to the library, Wangji changed directions, causing the other cultivator to question him.
“Lan Zhan, last I checked, the library was that way, not this.”
“We’re going elsewhere,” Wangji replied briefly. The place he headed to was a little further from the main complex, in a long building surrounded by the forest. He stepped inside, then walked into the second room that happened to be the most spacious one among them.
The walls were lined with shelves and none of them stood empty – this was a room Wangji had spent plenty of time in before he moved into the Jingshi.
“What’s this place?”
Wei Ying looked around curiously, his hand already reaching out to poke the nearest interesting-looking object. It was a small drum.
“The hall of music,” Wangji replied before turning around to face Wei Ying. “Our sect has a tradition of musical cultivation.”
“I know that too, but how come you brought me here?”
Well, Wangji had a way of explaining this away without saying his real objective but talking never came easy.
“I figured… that instead of making you copy the rules that you’ll just end up breaking anyway,” Wei Ying let out an awkward laugh at that point but Wangji just went on, “you could learn something new. Uncle might let you off the copying this way.”
Or not. But Wangji was going to argue to hell and back for this, because if Wei Ying was willing to learn musical cultivation-
“All right, deal!”
-then he would be able to keep an eye on Wei Ying for much longer than what the copying sessions would allow. But most importantly, if Wei Ying actually got serious about this, then maybe… Maybe…
Wangji felt his heart beating fast, as fast as it had in the heat of battle, as Wei Ying walked around the hall, picking one instrument up after the other. Visions of Wei Ying with a guqin came to mind, where he commanded an army of corpses with a few sharp tunes, all the while destroying himself little by little.
“Yikes,” Wei Ying winced as he placed a pipa back to its place on the shelf. The sound it made was grating on the ears to say the least. And then finally… finally his fingers brushed across the cool jade of a white dizi. Wangji held his breath in anticipation, every fiber of his being on edge as he waited to see what would happen.
Wei Ying lifted the instrument to his lips and blew into it, the air finding its way out in a melody not quite practiced or smooth but definitely better sounding than any of his previous attempts. He glanced at Wangji, then pointed at the flute.
“I think I’ll go for this one,” he said casually, as if Wangji hadn’t seen him with an ink black flute raising hell on battlefields.
“… all right.”
The flute wasn’t Chenqing. The instruments in Gusu weren’t attuned to demonic cultivation and under Wangji’s watchful eyes, Wei Ying would learn skills that helped his core stay balanced instead of being infected by the forbidden ways. A flute was just an instrument after all, what mattered was the purpose one used it for.
“I’ll teach you the basics then,” Wangji said before grabbing a flute himself. He hadn’t cultivated on one in many years but the smooth jade still felt familiar against his fingers and as one of the most talented Lans in many generations, there weren’t many others who were better qualified than him for this.
“All right,” Wei Ying grinned at him, those eyes burning with a familiar fire. This was the look of someone ready for a challenge and if that was what it took to lure him away from a dangerous path, Wangji was going to bring all the challenges Wei Ying needed.