Work Text:
~1~
“And then I said he could take his little guest list and shove it up his- Wait a minute... Lan Wangji! Are you even listening to me?” Jiang Cheng paused, mid-rant, glaring at his brother-in-law who’d been staring forlornly at the door, dreaming about an escape.
“Mn.” Lan Wangji lied, unconvincingly.
He’d tuned out as soon as Jiang Cheng had opened his mouth.
Jiang Cheng was truly the whiny little brother Lan Wangji had never wanted nor asked for... and wouldn’t trade for the world, but he’d rather die before he let the other know that-
Even though Lan Wangji hadn’t been really paying attention, he’d been able to catch snippets of the multiple trades Jiang Cheng had gone on about planning his wedding- an event that wasn’t even scheduled to take place until Spring of next year-
And because Wei Wuxian was busy-either teaching, day-drinking or napping-and because Jiang Cheng didn’t want to annoy his fiance about the preparations, he’d happily chosen to irritate Lan Wangji instead.
“Why me?” Lan Wangji had asked bitterly, as Jiang Cheng pulled him into the Hanshi and forced him to sit at the table and drink his tea.
At least it’d been Oolong.
“You’re an easy target .” Jiang Cheng had responded, with a shrug.
Lan Wangji’s pout hadn’t subsided since and his frustration only grew as Jiang Cheng whined and whined and whined about how nothing was going to plan and how everyone planning the wedding-except for Lan Xichen, of course-was utterly “useless” and “incompetent” and-
“ This is how the elders want me to do my hair!” Jiang Cheng hissed, pointing at his head. There were braids running down the side of his face and intricate golden hairpieces woven into the mix.
It was traditional and rather beautiful.
Lan Wangji didn’t see what the problem was.
“I don’t see what the problem is.” He answered truthfully, not bothering to conceal an eye-roll.
Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes as well, glaring at Lan Wangji as if he was an idiot... which really wasn’t fair because Lan Wangji had actually had genuine moments of stupidity and this wasn’t one of them so-
“Are you kidding me?” Jiang Cheng huffed shaking his head. “I look ridiculous!”
Lan Wangji opened his mouth to respond with an insult, out of instinct. He would’ve said something along the lines of “Well, that’s certainly not your hairstyle’s fault.” and then Jiang Cheng would make a nasty jab at him and then they’d start bickering back and forth until either Wei Wuxian or Lan Xichen were free again.
But Lan Wangji was tired.
He was exhausted.
Not of insulting Jiang Cheng, of course, he’d never get tired of that.
No, he was tired as in Jiang Cheng had been talking his ear off for hours, and because of all the future wedding preparations, the stress made his brother-in-law much pissier than usual, and to say Lan Wangji’s Lan patience was running thin would’ve been a vast understatement.
So he decided to try a different approach instead.
If insults would lead to Jiang Cheng whining even more, then what if-
“Jiang Wanyin, your hair looks nice no matter how you style it.”
Jiang Cheng, on the brink of another rant, froze and stared at Lan Wangji with wide eyes. His face slowly began to turn a bright red. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, but no sound came out.
Lan Wangji’s eyes shone with triumph.
He’d successfully shut Jiang Cheng up, and at long last, there was finally silence.
And it was just at that moment when Lan Xichen returned to the Hanshi, greeting his brother and flustered fiance with a warm smile.
Lan Wangji all but skipped away, cheerfully- well as cheerful as someone as stoic as him could be- waving them goodbye.
His mission had been a success. He hadn’t necessarily been lying to Jiang Cheng-as much of a nuisance he was, Jiang Cheng truly did have really nice hair...It’s just that Lan Wangji would’ve rather vaulted himself off the highest cliff in Gusu rather than compliment him aloud...
...However...
If genuine compliments were all it took to throw Jiang Cheng off and shut him up, then Lan Wangji would certainly be using this knowledge to his advantage in the future.
~2~
“Are you sure you have to go?” Jiang Cheng’s voice lowered to a whisper, “You could always just reschedule...for the tenth time.” His fiance laughed, quietly, but shook his head.
“I’m sorry, my love. You know how fussy the elders are about marriage.” He apologized, running a gentle hand across Jiang Cheng’s cheek.
Jiang Cheng sighed, tone turning sour. “It feels like we’ve been engaged for ages -”
“Blame the author and their confusing nonlinear timeline.”
“...”
“...”
“...What-?”
“Oh, nevermind.” And then Lan Xichen smiled, looking at Jiang Cheng softly. “We just have to hold out for a few more months, Wanyin.”
Jiang Cheng huffed, “We should’ve just eloped like our idiot brothers.”
Lan Xichen laughed again, kissing him one last time before he left to go deal with the elders all day. Jiang Cheng sighed, leaning against the steps of the Hanshi, and picked up a cup of his tea, sipping it as he admired his fiance’s garden. The gentians looked especially lovely this time of year.
He closed his eyes, shifting to get more comfortable, and was about to drift off, when he felt someone's presence appear in front of him.
He cracked one eye open and glared at Lan Wangji as the other stared down at him.
“What the hell do you want?” Jiang Cheng snapped. “And I am not going to cover for you again if you’ve accidentally sparked a war with the Yao Sect.”
Lan Wangji at least had the decency to look slightly guilty as he moved to sit down next to Jiang Cheng on the steps. “It was one time.”
Jiang Cheng scoffed, eyes narrowing even further. “ Still. Even with my help, Lan Huan was scrambling, and- Hey!”
Lan Wangji reached over and stole Jiang Cheng’s tea, face scrunching up with disgust at the taste.
“If you wanted tea then you should’ve told me, asshole. This is green, I know you prefer Oolong.” Jiang Cheng snatched the mug back, glaring at Lan Wangji.
Lan Wangji stared at him for a moment before his face settled into a small grin.
It put Jiang Cheng on edge.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I’m glad you’re marrying Brother.” Lan Wangji declared without any preamble as if he’d just made an offhand remark about the weather.
Jiang Cheng choked and spat out his tea all over the flowers.
“ What-?”
“You’re a good man, Jiang Wanyin. I’m grateful brother has you.” And then he was patting Jiang Cheng’s shoulder and calmly walking away, leaving Jiang Cheng speechless and choking on his own spit.
“What the fuck?!”
~3~
There was a Discussion Conference being held in Gusu, and for once, though chaos-bearers such as Nie Huaisang, Sect Leader Yao, and even his own husband, Wei Wuxian, were present, everything had gone relatively smoothly.
Wei Wuxian had entertained himself by whispering inane nonsense to Lan Wangji every few minutes, entertaining the both of them during the boring meeting.
The juniors were also quite bored, but they’d tried to remain on their best behavior to show their support for Jin Ling. Lan Sizhui was quite good at making sure Lan Jingyi didn’t try to slip alcohol into unsuspecting cultivator’s mugs and stopping Ouyang Zizhen from flirting with his cousin and distracting Jin Ling from his Sect duties.
Nie Huaisang had been striking up small conversations with Jiang Cheng the entire time:
“They’re sleeping together, you know.”
“...What-”
“...But you didn’t hear it from me-”
“...What-?!”
“...”
“I’m going to kill him.”
“Jiang-xiong, don’t-”
“A-Ling is so dead! I hope you’ve brought white fans for his funeral Huaisang-”
Even Sect Leader Yao had kept his mouth shut-or had been forced to keep his mouth shut due to the numerous glares he’d gotten from both Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji during the entire meeting.
Things were going smoothly indeed.
Until-
“Is there anything else anyone would like to add?” Lan Xichen addressed the room as a whole.
Lan Wangji nodded, standing up. His husband, among many other cultivators, shot him a confused look. Since when did the esteemed Hanguang-jun volunteer to speak at these meetings?
The thing is, Lan Wangji was a very petty person- and those closest to him knew this to be true, and had even experienced it first-hand themselves.
So when, for the entire duration of this week leading up to the Conference, he’d been cockblocked by Jiang Cheng, night after night after night, revenge had been the one thing on his mind.
He’d taken it quite personally.
And he was going to retaliate.
Just not with insults, or sword fights, or anything like that.
Lan Wangji had something else in mind.
“Hanguang-jun?” Lan Xichen looked perplexed, but he let his brother speak nonetheless. “Ahem...uh...Please speak freely.”
Lan Wangji bowed. “Thank you, Zewu-jun.” And then he glanced around the room and caught Jiang Cheng’s eye. His facial expression remained blank, but Jiang Cheng could see a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.
Oh no. Jiang Cheng silently panicked. I’m in danger.
“Today is Sect Leader Jiang’s birthday.” Lan Wangji announced to the crowd at large.
Everyone in the room, Jiang Cheng included, gaped at him. Wei Wuxian did a spit take and ended up spraying some piping hot tea on a random cultivator who was too shocked by Lan Wangji’s unexpected declaration to even notice.
Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui shot each other a glance that was equal parts curious, shocked, and terrified- all emotions which could describe anyone witnessing Hanguang-jun and Sect Leader Jiang’s antics.
Jiang Cheng shot Lan Xichen a pleading look, probably to make him force his hand and shut Lan Wangji up, but Lan Xichen was too stunned to react.
Because Lan Wangji wasn’t lying. It was Jiang Cheng’s birthday. But why the hell would he announce that to a great portion of the cultivation world? What was he planning?
“Thus I’d like to recite a list of the reasons why we should all celebrate Sect Leader Jiang today.”
Jiang Cheng felt frozen in his seat as all of the cultivators stared back and forth from him to his idiot brother-in-law, looking absolutely baffled.
His stomach dropped.
Lan Wangji cleared his throat. “I shall begin. Sect Leader Jiang is brave. Courageous. Talented. Skilled at combat. Will make a very good husband for Brother. Can bake well. Is good at singing-”
His voice was completely flat and monotone, never betraying any of his amusement as he watched Jiang Cheng’s face go up in flames.
Wei Wuxian was cackling, applauding his husband from their table. Lan Xichen looked equal parts exasperated and amused by Lan Wangji’s antics, but he didn’t ask his little brother to stop. The juniors were looking at Lan Wangji with disbelief. They, along with many of the cultivators, could hardly believe that Hanguang-jun of all people would pull something like this-
Nie Huaisang was snickering behind his fan as he patted Jiang Cheng’s shoulder in sympathy.
And Jiang Cheng was absolutely humiliated, simply waiting for the ground to open up and swallow him whole. His face was crimson, and Zidian was crackling dangerously on his knuckles, and yet despite his mortification, Lan Wangji just kept going on and on-
“...Has very nice hair. Excellent sword technique. Strong jawline. Good dancer. Can easily do cartwheels, even whilst inebriated. Tall...well...tall enough. Easy to carry-”
Jiang Cheng snapped, breaking his table in two with Zidian, and Nie Huaisang narrowly avoided being smacked in the face by a splinter of wood.
Lan Wangji paused briefly, watching the action with increased entertainment, “And as you can see, extremely strong-”
“ Lan Wangji! I’m going to murder you!” Jiang Cheng roared and then charged at Lan Wangji who managed to quickly slip out of the room, forcing Jiang Cheng to chase after him in a fit of rage, outside the hall.
Wei Wuxian couldn’t stop laughing.
The cultivators present were absolutely scarred. Even Sect Leader Yao was shocked into silence. None of them could believe that they had just witnessed.
Lan Xichen cleared his throat, sharing a brief helpless look with a cackling Wei Wuxian.
“Well...er...that was...enlightening. Er, would anyone else like to add anything?”
~4~
Against his better judgment, Jiang Cheng had invited all of their family to Lotus Pier, when really he should’ve just limited the invitation to his fiance, his nephew...and possibly the rest of the juniors.
But alas, Jiang Cheng really didn’t have it in him, and now he was walking around Lotus Pier, making his way back to his quarters, shoulders tense as he remained constantly vigilant.
And then he saw them on the path up ahead and quickly turned around, intent on speed-walking away, foolishly hoping neither of them had seen him but-
“Awww, Lan Zhan! Why’s our didi running away from us?” Wei Wuxian whined loudly, causing Jiang Cheng to freeze in place.
Fuck.
“Perhaps he is afraid of something...” Lan Wangji replied, pretending to be deep in thought.
“But what is there for the mighty Sect Leader Jiang to fear?” Wei Wuxian gasped, and he was truly terrible at hiding the laughter behind his voice.
“Nothing.” Lan Wangji replied firmly. “The esteemed Sandu Shengshou is dauntless. He is too powerful to have fears.”
Jiang Cheng had had it. He turned around, face completely flushed, “Can you two just piss off?!” He shrieked, pulling at his hair.
“The honorable Jiang Wanyin’s voice is almost as formidable as he is.” Lan Wangji commented seriously, and Wei Wuxian was clutching onto his stomach, eyes filled with tears of laughter.
Jiang Cheng let out a scream of frustration and then started sprinting away, humiliated by the praise.
“Look at how fast he is, Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian cried.
“Mn. There is no one faster than the great Sect Leader Jiang.”
~5~
Jiang Cheng was going to lose it.
He just had to get through a couple more days of this cruel and unusual torture and then he’d be free.
Soon there would be no more poorly timed-yet oddly sincere-compliments that managed to make Jiang Cheng choke on air every time. He’d be free at last. He’d be-
“Good morning Sect Leader Jiang.”
Jiang Cheng jolted, almost falling into the Pier.
He felt sweat begin to form on his brow.
“...Lan Wangji.” He mumbled, tensing up. He wasn’t sure if he could handle any more of this. He’d fought creatures twice his size and yet this made him terrified.
Lan Wangji gave him a serene smile that creeped Jiang Cheng out even more.
“Um, so anyways-”
“The way you lead your sect is admirable. Lotus Pier is lucky to have you as its leader.” Lan Wangji commented nonchalantly as he watched the boats drift around the pond.
Jiang Cheng malfunctioned.
It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to take a compliment, it’s just that when he was expecting the usual petty insults and he was hit with all of this heartfelt bullshit from out of nowhere, Jiang Cheng had absolutely no idea what to do.
And Lan Wangji knew that. And Jiang Cheng knew the bastard enjoyed humiliating him like this-he was even worse than Wei Wuxian.
“Furthermore-” Lan Wangji began, but then Jiang Cheng frantically shook his head and literally threw himself into the sea. He could hear Lan Wangji’s quiet laughter behind him before he went under.
And as he accidentally inhaled a mouthful of saltwater through his nose when he surfaced, Jiang Cheng vowed to make Hanguang-jun pay.
~+1 Revenge ~
Lan Wangji had on an ill-conceived gremlin-like grin as Jiang Cheng approached the table set up by the Pier for breakfast. Wei Wuxian, too impatient to wait until his little brother arrived, was stuffing his face with sweet buns at the moment.
“You’ll get fat, Da-jiu.” Jin Ling hissed, as he stole Wei Wuxian’s buns off his plate, ignoring his elder Uncle’s indignant cries. He discreetly passed the dessert to Zizhen whose smile in return was worth it.
“You little brat! Give those back!... Ow! A-Ling, stop biting me! Only Lan Zhan can do that-”
Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui were deep in conversation with Zewu-jun while Lan Wangji continued grinning mischievously behind his mug of tea.
When Jiang Cheng finally arrived at the table, he abruptly slammed his fist down onto the wood and then picked up one of the knives from the cutlery, and pointed it at Lan Wangji’s face.
Lan Wangji’s smirk never faltered.
There were gasps all-around at the sudden commotion.
“Sect Leader Jiang?!”
“Woah! Wait A-Cheng-!”
“Jiujiu, a murder? Here ? During breakfast? Really? Tsk-”
“Wanyin, what are you-”
“Have I upset you lately, Jiang Wanyin?” Lan Wangji asked, anticipating the answer. He was obviously entertained.
“ You- ” Jiang Cheng pointed the knife even closer to his face. “are one of the greatest people I’ve ever met and, despite how petty you are, I’m glad you’re my brother-in-law and I wouldn’t have it any other way! You’re loyal and brave and you’ve become someone I look up to! And you have amazing skin! Okay? It’s like porcelain! So there!”
The subtle smug look was wiped off of Lan Wangji’s as his mouth dropped open in surprise.
Wei Wuxian choked on his sweet bun. The junior’s minds were melting because Hanguang-jun complimenting Sect Leader Jiang was one thing, but for Sect Leader Jiang to do it return-?!
Jiang Cheng eventually smirked, satisfied, and put down his knife. He wordlessly began digging into his meal as if nothing had just happened.
“Awww, Wangji. Your ears are turning red!” Lan Xichen cooed and reached out to poke his little brother’s face.
“ Brother!” Lan Wangji hissed, humiliated at how badly his plan had backfired and Jiang Cheng’s snickering in the background didn’t make it any easier.
He shot his brother-in-law an icy glare and the other only returned it with, “Hanguang-jun is really so adorable, even while scowling. Right, Lan Huan?”
Lan Sizhui had never seen his father look so red before.
Ouyang Zizhen’s eyes had almost doubled in size.
Jin Ling never thought he’d hear the words ‘Adorable’ and ‘Hanguang-jun’ in the same sentence, from his Jiujiu no less, but here he was...Here he was.
Lan Jingyi piled more congee into his bowl, amused by the entire situation, but too hungry to really be thrown by anything.
“He is!” Lan Xichen agreed, chuckling. “Even while glaring, Wangji’s just too cute.”
Wei Wuxian had to clutch onto the table to keep from falling off his seat.
Lan Wangji bolted upright, sneering at Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen who were shamelessly laughing at him from their seats, and stomped away.
Oh how the tables had turned.
“Awww, look at him go!” Jiang Cheng sounded far too pleased. “Waddling off like a little duckling. Lan Wangji, do you want me or Lan Huan to carry you?”
Lan Wangji paused, going deathly still.
His eye twitched.
And then suddenly, he turned around and unsheathed Bichen, bolting towards Jiang Cheng who had already anticipated his reaction and was now sprinting away. And this time when he hopped into the sea, Lan Wangji came jumping in after him, murderous intent written all over his face as he landed with a loud splash.
It was silent at the table for a few moments until-
“Wei Ying, pass the soup?”
“Sure! Have you tried this one yet? It’s sweet-and-sour...”
“Oh? Oh my! It tastes delightful!”
“I’ll teach you how to make it back in Gusu, Xichen-ge!”
“I’d like that very much-”
The juniors didn’t know which pair to gape at, the ones who were trying to drown each other, or the ones who were pretending that a murder wasn’t happening right behind them.
Instead, they decided on doing neither and went back to eating breakfast and planning for their next night hunt instead.
~+2~
“Was it difficult for you two?” Wei Wuxian eventually asked a few days later.
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji wore matching puzzled looks.
“Being nice to each other for once.” Lan Xichen clarified.
“Yeah, I didn’t think you two had the capacity to say anything nice to each other.” Wei Wuxian snorted and Lan Xichen agreed with a soft laugh, “It was quite jarring.”
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji immediately looked affronted.
...Even though their older brothers had a point…
“Well-!” Jiang Cheng scratched his forehead, but then he and Lan Wangji shared a determined look and an idea came to his mind, “Well, I’ll bet you two couldn’t say anything mean to each other.”
“Mn.”
Wei Wuxian and Lan Xichen paused and then shook their heads.
“Yes we could!”
“We certainly could.”
“Proceed...” Lan Wangji didn’t sound convinced.
Wei Wuxian cleared his throat and then faced his brother-in-law. “Well! I...um...Well Xichen-ge, I don’t...I don’t like your...shoes?”
“You can’t even see his shoes!” Jiang Cheng snapped.
They were hidden under his robes.
But the pair ignored him and Lan Xichen continued, “And Wei Ying, I don’t like your..er..the...the wrinkle in your robes.”
“Oh!” Wei Wuxian paused. “There’s a wrinkle?”
“Yes! Let me help smooth it out for you.”
“Thanks, Xichen-ge!”
“It’s no problem!”
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji shot each other a long-suffering look, and then linked arms with the two, dragging their respective partners away with a sigh.
~+3.14159~
“...A-Ling…”
“...Yes Jiujiu?”
“I’ve heard that you’ve been...um…”
“...Yes?”
“Doing things.”
“ Doing things?”
“ Yes. And you need to stop these things. Now. Immediately-”
“Jiujiu, what-?!”
“Or else you’ll die!”
“What are you even talking about?”
“I know you’ve been sleeping with that Ouyang boy!”
“...Oh my god-”
“And if you don’t stop you’ll die. ”
“W-what?! I-?”
“You’ll die and you’ll get pregnant A-Ling!”
“B-but-?!”
“And it’ll happen in that order!”
“That’s horrifying and makes no sense!”
“End of story! Return to your quarters!”
“...”
“What was that?”
“I said ‘ No wonder it took you over three decades to get laid! ’”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t AHHHHHH!”