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Honestly, Jin Ling thought he was beginning to get a handle on being a Sect Leader.
His transition into the position hadn’t been smooth nor easy by any means, but he had a wonderful support group consisting of his army of uncles, close friends, an overly enthusiastic boyfriend... ( seriously... Jin Ling loved Zizhen, don’t get him wrong, but, no he wasn’t preparing to stage any coups at the moment, and no, he wouldn’t ever stage one against the Ouyang Sect, and no he didn’t need Zizhen to renounce his entire Sect and his name to battle against his former comrades “all in the name of romance-”). ..and loyal Jin disciples.
He usually was quite busy, Jin Guangyao had left their Sect in shambles and now Jin Ling was stuck cleaning up his late Uncle’s mess, but he always tried to make time for others, just like his Jiujiu had taught him.
...Speaking of his Jiujiu-
“...And you couldn’t even come down to greet me? What sort of nephew are you? What’s next? Are you planning to skip my funeral too?”
Jin Ling loved his Jiujiu. He really did.
He repeated that sentiment in his mind, over and over again, as he shot his other Uncle a helpless look, but all Lan Wangji did was blink slowly in his direction.
Jin Ling stifled a groan.
“Jiujiu-” He tried, but Jiang Cheng shot him a scowl that would’ve sent any lesser man (Wei Wuxian) running for the hills.
“Did I raise you to interrupt me, while speaking?” Jiang Cheng scoffed, throwing his hands up in the air, almost smacking Lan Wangji in the face. “The audacity-”
He loved his Jiujiu. He loved his Jiujiu. He loved his-
“Why are you two even here?” Jin Ling snapped, unable to hold it in. He’d tried and lasted for a solid minute and he could hear his other other Uncle’s voice in his mind, congratulating him on “managing” his temper, with a very Zewu-jun-like smile to accompany it.
Jiang Cheng’s jaw dropped at his outburst, but really, he should’ve been used to it at this point….he and his nephew had a strikingly similar temperament. His face was slowly becoming red with anger. Jiang Cheng opened his mouth, intent on starting another tirade, when, by some miracle of God, Lan Wangji finally stepped in.
“We came here because we need to speak to you.” He began calmly. “It’s urgent.”
Jin Ling nodded, but was eyeing his Jiujiu wearily, “What about?”
“Tsk. You would know if you answered my letters.” Jiang Cheng still sounded bitter.
Jin Ling, on the other hand, was just confused. He always answered his Jiujiu’s letters, god-forbid he forget-
“ What letters-?” Jin Ling began, when all of sudden one of his disciples came rushing up the stairs. Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji parted to let her through.
“Master Jin,” She bowed and waved a few papers in her hands. “These letters from the Jiang Sect have just arrived-”
”...”
“...”
“How was I supposed to answer these before I’d even received them?!”
“Excuses.”
“Mn.”
Jin Ling felt personally attacked.
He took the letters from his disciple with a quiet thank you, and then shot a quick scowl at his uncles before reading them. He scanned the contents of the letters briefly, eyes gradually widening as he took in what was hastily scribbled down.
Once he was finished, he stared at his uncles, incredulously, but they had similar expectant expressions on their faces.
“So?” Jiang Cheng began to tap his foot impatiently.
Jin Ling continued to gape at them.
“Will you help us?” Lan Wangji asked.
And with no response, he waved a hand across Jin Ling’s face. He shot Jiang Cheng a worried look when their nephew's eyes remained vacant and unmoving.
“What did you write to him?” Lan Wangji narrowed his eyes at his brother-in-law.
“I wrote what you told me to!” Jiang Cheng’s voice took on an accusatory tone.
“Well, obviously not-”
“Oh, so now it’s my fault-”
“Well, it’s certainly not mine- ”
“ Everyone’s a critic today-!”
Jin Ling cleared his throat, interrupting the two esteemed, bickering men.
“So…” Jin Ling began, scratching his bangs, still in a state of disbelief. “So you want me to help you murder a Sect Leader?”
Jiang Cheng paused. “Well…”
“You would not actually be assisting in the actual assasination .” Lan Wangji pointed out, magnanimously.
As if that made it any better.
“And it’s not just any Sect Leader it’s Sect Leader Yao.” Jiang Cheng graciously clarified.
And although Jin Ling wasn’t exactly opposed to the idea of ridding the world of that gold-digging nuisance …
“N-no! No way! ”
Jiang Cheng frowned, and the excitement seemed to dim in Lan Wangji’s eyes.
“Why not?” Lan Wangji inquired, curiously, as if they hadn’t just asked Jin Ling to be an accomplice to murder.
But honestly, the ethics of it all, wasn’t Jin Ling’s problem. His problem was:
“You’re planning to kill him the week I’m supposed to spend time with Zizhen!” Jin Ling crossed his arms over his chest, feeling like a petulant toddler all over again. “No way am I gonna skip that for this!”
Jiang Cheng huffed, nostrils flaring. “If you don’t go, you’re grounded!”
“You can’t ground me, Jiujiu! This is my Sect!”
“You want to test that theory? Listen here, you little-!”
Lan Wangji nudged him in the side, and Jiang Cheng turned his murderous gaze towards him. His brother-in-law didn’t bat a single eyelash.
“Are you sure you won’t reconsider?” Lan Wangji tried one last time. “It could be a good learning experience.”
Jin Ling’s eyes rolled so hard, that he thought he might’ve seen stars for a few seconds there, and then firmly shook his head.
“I’m sorry uncles, but I’m not missing my date with Zizhen. We've been planning this for months! But good luck with your...murder? I guess? Come back for tea sometime, and preferably not with plots for homicide.” Jin Ling sighed, waving them away as he trotted back into his tower.
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji stared at each other, slightly miffed at this turn of events.
“That did not go well.”
“ Yeah, no shit, Hanguang-jun. ”
Lan Wangji’s right eye twitched.
“That little brat…” Jiang Cheng hissed, pouting, in his nephew's wake.
Lan Wangji patted his shoulder. “There will be other times.”
Other assassination attempts.
Jiang Cheng looked put out for a while, but then something flickered in his eyes, “Lan Wangji, hand them over.”
Lan Wangji tensed, and then feigned confusion. “...What are you talking about?”
“Don’t bullshit me, Lan Wangji. Hand them over.”
“What-”
“ Hanguang-jun-”
Lan Wangji glared at him, before reluctantly reaching into his pockets and depositing a grand total of ten tiny turtles onto the ground.
“And the ones in your sleeve.”
His glare was even nastier this time.
“The other sleeve too.”
By the time he was done, there was a small army of tiny turtles at Jiang Cheng’s feet.
Jiang Cheng grinned. And then he pointed at the steps, “Now go capture my traitorous nephew!” He commanded them.
“I can still hear you!” They still were just outside of Jin Ling’s quarters.
“Good!” Jiang Cheng shot back. “Maybe this will teach you not to disrespect your elders!”
Jin Ling screamed, and if you listened closely, you could hear him pulling at his hair as sanity slowly ebbed and flowed away.
The turtles continued milling at the bottom of the steps, wholly unbothered.
“They cannot kidnap people.” Lan Wangji’s voice was flat, bored almost, as he glanced at the turtles, but Jiang Cheng could see the way his eyes shifted ever-so-slightly.
...Almost as if he were hiding something...
“...”
“...”
“...On second thought...maybe we should go...”
And Jiang Cheng pretended not to hear Jin Ling’s blatant sigh of relief as they gathered the turtles and returned to Gusu to continue their scheming.
~~
“You’re planning to wear that to the Yao Sect?”
Wei Wuxian paused, looking down at his standard dark robes, before nodding, confused.
“Oh…” Lan Xichen coughed looking away.
“Xichen-ge…” Wei Wuxian whined, “What’s wrong with my robes?”
“Er...Nothing?”
“Bullshit.” Wei Wuxian accused, with a pout. “What happened to no lying in Cloud Recesses?”
“Oh! So you can read the Wall of Discipline. For the past few decades, I wasn’t so sure…”
“ Xichen-ge!”
Lan Xichen hid a smile behind his sleeve, “You’re clothes are fine, but...I had something else in mind. This is going to be a special day, after all. I thought why not dress up for the occasion?”
Wei Wuxian grinned, eyes glinting.
“I’m listening.”
~~
The group was finally all gathered together, in preparation for their big day . But before they began refining the logistics of their mission, Lan Xichen had presented them with the robes they’d all be wearing.
Jiang Cheng looked like he was in love, not only with Lan Xichen, but the clothing as well. Wei Wuxian was hugging his robes as he twirled around the room. And Lan Wangji looked hesitant to touch them, as if his hands would ruin the lovely design.
They were all a beautiful bright scarlet, with differing patterns ranging from silver embroidery to golden accents, making each one unique from the other.
Were they practical for an assassination attempt?
Absolutely not. People would probably be able to see them coming from miles away.
But this was a special day! And if all went well, they wouldn’t have to change into celebratory clothing afterwards, because they’d already be wearing it.
It was genius.
And then someone else entered the Hanshi. The last member of their “entourage”.
Nie Huaisang had a similar reaction upon seeing his set of robes.
“And something to match.” Lan Xichen grinned, handing him a gorgeous crimson fan to which Huaisang immediately used to fan away the tears that had welled in his eyes. Pretty things made him emotional. He always had a spare handkerchief on hand whenever he walked by any of his paintings in Qinghe.
“Shall we begin?” Lan Wangji addressed the room at large.
“Oh wait!” Wei Wuxian interrupted. “I brought snacks.” Lan Wangji shot his husband a fond look as Wei Wuxian pulled a tray of dumplings out of...well.. somewhere?...
But food was food so no one was going to question it.
“So let’s go over the plan again-” Jiang Cheng began after shoving an impressive three dumplings in his mouth at once, ignoring Wei Wuxian’s “Be careful didi, you’ll choke-!” out of spite.
“I skimmed over the plan on my arrival here,” Nie Huaisang lied, fooling no one. So what if he didn’t like reading? Sue him. “But, just how did you two come up with this in the first place?” He asked, gesturing to Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji with curious eyes.
The pair quickly glanced at each other and then back at their group.
“Well…”
“Um…”
“We were having a civil and intellectual debate…” Lan Wangji trailed off.
~~ Flashback~~
“So how many sweet buns do you think I can fit inside my mouth?”
Lan Wangji took a sip of his tea-it was Oolong, of course- and blinked at him.
“Only three?” Jiang Cheng scoffed, rolling his eyes, far too confident in Lan Wangji’s opinion.
So then he blinked twice.
“Six, then?”
Lan Wangji seemed to contemplate this for a few moments, before the glint in his eyes turned malevolent.
“All.”
“All of them?!” Jiang Cheng screeched. There were at least fifteen on his tray.
“You do not have to if you’re scared…”
Jiang Cheng scowled at him. “I’m not scared.”
“Mn.”
“I’m not!”
“Mn.”
“ Hanguang-jun-!”
“So then, you could fit more?”
“Of course I could-!”
“Is that so?”
“ Fine , asshole. You’re on. ”
Lan Wangji’s eyes filled with amusement as he registered the fierce look of determination on his brother-in-law’s face.
He took another sip of tea, cackling on the inside as Jiang Cheng called upon his faithful kitchen staff to whip up another batch of sweets and then leave quickly afterward- though the last order was more implied. The staff could stay afterward, of course, if they didn’t value their sanity.
“Shall I time you?” Lan Wangji inquired once the additional sweets arrived.
Jiang Cheng nodded, sharply.
“On three?”
“Yup.” And then Jiang Cheng unceremoniously shoved one into his mouth. “Three.”
And so, if any of the poor kitchen staff decided to wander back in during these next few moments, they would’ve been met with the sight of the honorable Hanguang-jun’s ears, and eventually his entire face, turning red as he tried in vain to compose himself as their own venerable Sect Leader Jiang shoved sweet buns into his mouth at neck-break speed, like a voracious animal.
They would’ve sighed to themselves, “Ah. So it’s a Tuesday” and then leave, contemplating the startling fact that those were two of the greatest cultivators to have ever lived.
“ Mmmph!”
“...?”
“Mmmph!” Jiang Cheng repeated as if any of the muffled garbage spewing out of his mouth could somehow be interpreted as language.
But then Lan Wangji’s eyes widened in recognition-because it took an idiot to understand “idiot”- as he realized that Jiang Cheng had managed to fit in eleven sweet buns at once .
...Just how far could that man’s jaw unhinge? Lan Wangji didn’t know whether to be impressed, scandalized, proud, or terrified. So he settled on all four-
And then Lan Wangji paused, mid-gulp of tea, when, all of a sudden, his brother-in-law started coughing.
He froze and stared dubiously as Jiang Cheng began choking.
With all of the dessert stuffed in his cheeks, Jiang Cheng looked like an overgrown chipmunk which made Lan Wangji start to snicker, but he’d forgotten about the tea in his mouth, so then he began choking as well. And then that made Jiang Cheng begin to simultaneously choke and laugh at the same time.
As soon as Jiang Cheng fell off his stool, Lan Wangji was done for, he couldn’t even breathe at this point if he’d tried. On his way down, Jiang Cheng had accidentally... accidentally(?)... kicked out Lan Wangji’s stool from under him so now they were both choking, laughing, and all-but dying on the ground.
If they hadn’t had golden cores sustaining their life-forces, they would’ve been dead in minutes from the lack of oxygen.
...Had it been mentioned, yet, that these were two of the greatest cultivators alive...?
And then when things finally calmed down, when they were able to chew and/or swallow like the functioning men they pretended to be, a similar idea crossed through their minds at once.
“Asphyxiation.” Lan Wangji declared, at the same time as Jiang Cheng’s excited “We’ll choke the bastard out!”
And so the method of murder was decided.
~~ Present ~~
“Okay, first of all..what the fuck?”
Lan Xichen and Nie Huaisang nodded, sharing a similar sentiment.
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji at least looked a little bit sheepish.
“And second,” Wei Wuxian continued, waving his chopsticks as he spoke. “That explained how you two came up with the method but…”
“...Not how you two decided that you wanted to kill Sect Leader Yao in the first place.” Lan Xichen finished. “Is assassinating him just always on your minds?”
Jiang Cheng shot his fiance a winning smile, and Lan Wangji blinked at his brother, saying nothing at all.
“Ah. That...that explains a lot actually...” Lan Xichen shrugged, reaching for another dumpling. “But by all means, please, proceed.”
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji shared a grin.
“So the plan is to sneak into the Yao Sect tonight. We should arrive there in a couple of hours if we go by sword.” Jiang Cheng explained.
“Mn. But we will have to lay low.” Lan Wangji continued. “If anyone intercepts us then-”
“We’ll kill them, burn the evidence, and take no prisoners.”
Lan Wangji rolled his eyes to the ceiling... it was a truly problematic habit he’d picked up in recent years.
“We will not be doing that-”
Jiang Cheng was immediately affronted, “Why not?!”
“This isn’t war , Jiang Wanyin.”
“I beg to differ, Lan Wangji-”
“No.”
“But-”
“Jiang Wanyin.”
Jiang Cheng held his hands up, in a surrendering gesture, sending Lan Wangji a sour glare. He muttered something colorful under his breath and it took the bulk of Lan Wangji’s “endless” reservoir of patience not to react... at least not at that moment, but once this was over, he would recommend Jiang Cheng begin sleeping with one eye open-
“If we run into anyone, we’ll use a talisman to alter their memories. With our group’s combined strength, there shouldn’t be any side-effects to worry about.” Lan Wangji explained.
Nie Huaisang looked like he wanted to take notes.
Wei Wuxian was far more focused on Lan Wangji’s mouth than the words coming out of it.
Lan Xichen was half-paying attention, and half focused on eating and setting some food aside for his fiance.
“Any questions?” Jiang Cheng asked the room at large.
They all decided to chime in.
“Actually yeah-?”
“How are we-?”
“What’s going to-?”
“None? Okay great.” Jiang Cheng sat back down ignoring everyone’s insulted expressions.
“This is all so exciting,” Nie Huaisang sounded exhilarated as he rubbed his hands together. “I’ve never done anything like this before-”
“Yes, you have.” The entire room chorused in unison.
“...I-” At Lan Xichen’s raised eyebrows, Nie Huaisang surrendered.
...They had a point...
Lan Wangji took it upon himself to continue to go over the plan in a little bit more detail. Jiang Cheng piped in every now-and-then to add information of his own, or to ridicule his brother-in-law’s descriptions.
....At one point their back-and-forth got so heated that Nie Huaisang wasn’t sure if he should’ve reminded them that they were all here to murder Sect Leader Yao not each other-
But when all was said and done, when the dumplings were finished and everyone had gone off to change into their robes, Jiang Cheng addressed the group one last time.
“Any questions?”
They shook their heads, practically vibrating with anticipation.
“In that case…” There was a ghost of a smile on Lan Wangji’s face.
“Let’s do this.” Jiang Cheng finished.
~~
So far the execution of the plan had been spotless.
Only two other wandering cultivators from smaller, much less notorious sects had spotted them, but they were so out of touch with the rest of the world, that they hadn’t even recognized they’d been in the presence of three sect leaders, the infamous Yiling Patriarch, and the second most-beautiful man in the cultivation world.
They arrived undetected, a little ways from the heart of the Yao Sect, and proceeded to travel by foot.
“His quarters aren’t too far from here.” Nie Huaisang said pointing ahead to a rather large building a few meters away that was occluded by the trees.
“...How do you even know that?” Jiang Cheng didn’t know whether to be grateful or slightly worried, or both.
“Perhaps I knew this day would come, and that this information might be useful in the end...” Nie Huaisang began to fan himself, “But that’s only a theory, Jiang-xiong. I really don’t know…”
Jiang Cheng sighed, but let his friend have his way.
“We’ll need to stay low.” Lan Xichen muttered, using his height to his advantage as he scanned the area.
“Mn.” And then, “Wei Ying, you have the poison and the ropes?” Lan Wangji asked his husband.
“Of course!” Wei Wuxian gestured to his full pockets.
“Good he should be sleeping at this time.” Jiang Cheng was practically giddy.
“Mn.” Though it was more difficult to tell with such a blank face and even blanker voice, Lan Wangji was equally as giddy.
And so the group continued, using trees to obscure themselves as they inched closer and closer to Sect Leader Yao’s quarters. None of them could truly believe that today was the day they’d finally be doing the world a favor and getting rid of that nuisance once and for all.
Although the Lans had rules against throwing parties and celebrations, the Jiang Sect had no such qualms, and they were already planning to hold a massive feast once this was over-under the guise of celebrating Sect Leader Yao’s illustrious life.
And yes, many Sect Leaders might be suspicious of their actions, but none would dare question them.
Besides, almost everyone else wanted the bastard gone as much as these five did...
“Should we kick it down?” Wei Wuxian whispered, gesturing to the door they currently stood outside of. For reasons unbeknownst to them, it was unguarded at the moment, but the group decided to take that as the universe’s blessing for them to carry out their plans.
“Kick it down? Are you stupid?” Jiang Cheng scoffed, shooting his brother a dirty look. “Obviously, we should burn it down instead.”
“If we burn it down, then what’s the point of the ropes or the poison?” Lan Wangji’s tone was close to hissing, but the esteemed Hanguang-jun did not hiss.
“We can still use them. We don’t know that the fire will definitely kill him!” Jiang Cheng whispered-yelled.
Lan Wangji’s shot him a look. “It’s fire.”
“Your point?”
“Just admit you’re a repressed arsonist once and for all, Jiang Wanyin, I am very tired of this-”
“I-”
“M-maybe now is not the best time for one of your… quarrels .” Lan Xichen’s smile was strained.
Wei Wuxian held back a snort.
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji huffed in unison.
“Why not just use the key?” Nie Huaisang nonchalantly pulled out a shiny silver key from his robes.
They all gaped at him.
“...What?” He titled his head to the side as if he were genuinely confused.
“What do you mean ‘ What’? Seriously Huaisang, what the hell?”
“Hm…”
“Holy shit, how did you pull that off?!”
“I’m getting a little concerned, A-Sang…”
Nie Huaisang didn’t even bother hiding the twinkle in his eyes as he handed over the key.
“It’s not Sect Leader Yao’s actual key of course. It’s a copy I had made and tested for his quarters. It’ll work, trust me.”
“Wait a minute…” Wei Wuxian fixed his friend with an appraising look. “If you could make a key for Sect Leader Yao’s quarters so easily then…”
“Do I have keys for all of your rooms?” Nie Huaisang finished for him.
They nodded, looking more than a little uneasy.
“I-”
“If the next words out of your mouth are ‘I don’t know’, I swear, Huaisang-”
Nie Huaisang shut his mouth, giving him an innocent smile. Lan Wangji briefly debated whether or not he should have his locks changed but decided against it.
...Sect Leader Nie would find a way...
And then, Jiang Cheng took the key and jammed it inside the lock. Before he twisted, he glanced at everyone behind him, making sure they were prepared.
His fiance and Nie Huaisang gave him a thumbs up.
Wei Wuxian had the rope slung around his shoulders, and gripping the bottle of poison with anticipation.
Lan Wangji gave him a firm nod. Do it. Jiang Cheng twisted the lock and the door slammed wide open.
Someone let out a blood-curdling shriek at the scene upon them.
That same someone would attest to this day that, really, it was only a soft gasp.
Lan Wangji would be lying, of course.
‘I-I’m gonna vomit-’ The bottle fell out of Wei Wuxian’s hands and crashed to the ground.
‘My eyes. My fucking eyes-’ Jiang Cheng suddenly wished that he was visually impaired.
‘Oh...oh no…’ Nie Huaisang was gripping onto his fan for dear life.
‘So...there really isn’t a God...’ Lan Xichen wanted to evaporate into thin air.
However, all of these declarations were inside each cultivator’s mind. Everyone in their group remained frozen and silent- except for Lan Wangji, ironically enough - as they witnessed the horrific sight before them. They all desperately wanted to move, squeeze their eyes shut, and look away but they were unable to.
It was like watching a sword-crash. It was so horrible that you couldn’t look away.
And the worst part is Sect Leader Yao hadn’t even noticed them yet.
No.
He was just there...along with his harem of women who were most likely only willing to be so... intimate... with such a vile creature, for a handsome sum of money.
And the sounds...the sounds would be ingrained in their minds forever. Because apparently, Sect Leader Yao couldn’t hear them, but they could hear him.
Loud and clearly.
“I...I've done some questionable things in the past but nothing to deserve this.” Nie Huaisang blurted, eyes tearing up. "Nothing."
“Oh my god... What is that?!” Lan Xichen was hardly a judgmental person, unlike his fiance and his brother, but...even he had his limits.
“Lan Zhan…” Wei Wuxian’s voice was trembling. “Please tell me those memory wiping talismans will work on us. Please.”
Lan Wangji was at a loss for words. He was more focused on trying not to scream again-
And suddenly, Jiang Cheng fainted into Lan Xichen’s arms, and that was their wake-up call, breaking them out of their “trance”.
As quickly as they could, they all scattered away, rapidly blinking their eyes, unable to look at each other or contemplate what they’d just witnessed because honestly , they’d all been through gruesome wars, but none of that could’ve even come close to what had just been burned into their minds -
“A-yao?” One of the women's voices echoed in the wind. “The door’s wide open...”
“It’s probably just the wind.” He sounded out of breath, and the worst part was knowing why.
“But-”
“I didn’t pay you to solve mysteries, I paid you to-”
The group started sprinting away, lest they hear any more of whatever the fuck was going on in there.
When they’d finally escaped to the far outskirts of the Sect, Nie Huaisang collapsed against a tree, looking genuinely scarred. Lan Wangji also sat next to him staring blankly ahead-he looked like a poor excuse for a statue.
Jiang Cheng was still unconscious, and Lan Xichen laid him gently on the ground, before laying down beside him as well. He buried his own face in the dirt and desperately tried to forget.
Wei Wuxian was pacing back and forth, mumbling derangedly to himself and... was that a hallucination or was that resentful energy building up around him-?
And then as if something snapped within Lan Wangji, he slid over to Jiang Cheng’s resting form and muttered a bitter “Wake up, asshole.” because if they had to consciously process this, then so did he . He reared his arm back and his hand collided with Jiang Cheng’s face with a loud smack.
Jiang Cheng awoke with a gasp and stinging red cheek. He looked around, disoriented for a few moments, taking in the jarring sight of his miserable comrades- Nie Huaisang hadn't said a word, his fiance looked like a corpse, and his brother was mumbling something about acupuncturing his brain? -
“Did you just slap me?” He hissed, coming to his senses, and rubbing his face with a glare.
Lan Wangji nodded unapologetically.
“What the hell? Why?”
“If we have to remain cognizant, then so do you. Even Brother is awake...he’s... just a shell of himself, at the moment.”
Jiang Cheng sighed, rubbing his eyes.
“Maybe...maybe homicide wasn’t the answer.” The Jiang Sect Leader sounded extremely put out.
“Mn.” Lan Wangji sounded equally as upset.
“Maybe next time-”
“No.” Wei Wuxian, Nie Huaisang, and Lan Xichen cried out in unison, the prospect of ever having to see Sect Leader Yao like that ever again, breaking them out of their temporary bouts of insanity.
“I love you two,” Lan Xichen began, but it was rather muffled because his face was still in the dirt. “I really do but…”
“But I’d rather fall off a cliff, again , than do anything like this in the future.” Wei Wuxian had a haunted look in his eyes.
“I thought a coup would be fun.” Nie Huaisang closed his eyes, shaking his head. “This was not fun.”
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji winced. But then-
“Well, it’s not our fault he was having an orgy!”
“...”
“...Wanyin...darling...please-”
“What the fuck A-Cheng, you weren’t supposed to say it !”
“Jiang-xiong there’s only so much I can take-”
Jiang Cheng waved around a rude hand gesture in reply.
“Well, now what?” Wei Wuxian sounded pititful.
“We could leave…” Nie Huaisang suggested, weakly waving his fan across his face. “Or we could do as you suggested, Wei-xiong, and jump off a cliff.”
The idea seemed enticing but, suddenly a manic sparkle appeared in Lan Xichen’s eyes, of all people.
“We start a few fires around here…” He commented in a tone appropriate for suggesting places to buy dinner in Caiyi, not arson. “Just a few.
“We might as well.” Nie Huaisang hummed, mulling it over.
Wei Wuxian shrugged. “Why not? Lan Zhan, are you in?”
Lan Wangji was in. “We’ll burn his quarters to the ground.”
“And somehow, I’m the repressed arsonist...” Jiang Cheng scoffed in disbelief.
“Mn. You are.” Lan Wangji handed him a fire talisman. “Would you like to do the honors?”
Jiang Cheng snatched it a little too quickly and his eyes were a little too bright.
“Well...If you insist...”
~~
And so the group of cultivators who’d traveled to the Yao Sect to go through with an assassination-and maybe even a coup-settled on controlled arson instead.
And Sect Leader Yao’s bout of shrieks and screams of terror once he realized the source of the smoky smell, were almost worth all of the horrors they’d gone through that night.
Being a slimy coward, Sect Leader Yao had escaped from his burning quarters leaving all the women behind to fend for themselves-but the group helped them, of course, escorting them safely away from the heart of the fire, which had engulfed the whole of Sect Leader Yao’s quarters.
The fire was concentrated and fuelled by magic-only seeking to destroy Sect Leader Yao’s quarters and his quarters alone, so the rest of the Yao Sect was fairly safe. The only thing the rest of the Sect would have to endure was the terrifying sight of their own Sect Leader running through their village, screaming and in nothing but a thin robe.
So yes, things hadn’t exactly gone to plan, however...
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji shared a high-five as Sect Leader Yao came sprinting past the spot where they were hidden in the trees.
...It was good enough…
For now at least...
~~
“A-Ling!”
“Zizhen?”
“Did you hear what happened in the Yao Sect a few days ago? My father sent me a letter.”
Oh no. “Umm, no...I didn’t…”
“Oh! Well, apparently a group of rogue arsonists snuck into the Sect and burned Sect Leader Yao’s quarters to the ground while he was in the middle of an-”
“ …”
“A-Ling…? Why do you look so pale?”
Fuck
“Are you okay?”
Arson? I bet it was Jiujiu’s idea...
“Jin Ling…?”
“..I...I need to write to Uncle…”
~~
“You know, the universe is cruel, but you are on a whole other level-”
“...”
“Oh! Hello, Wei Ying! I didn’t see you there...”
“Hey Xichen-ge...er...why were you cursing at the sky just now…?”
“...”
“...”
“ I despise being self-aware .”
“...What-”
“Oh it was nothing, Wei Ying. I was just contemplating the meaning of this universe.”
“Ummm “ this” universe? Don’t you mean the universe? I...is there m-more than one?”
“Oh, nevermind that…Don’t worry!... you won’t remember this in the next story-”
“...”
“Tea?”
“I-...Fuck it. Why not? You have green right?”
“Of course! Our tea preferences are one of the few things the author keeps consistent ... Ahem. So anyways, about our next ‘tea date’-”