Work Text:
Lan Wangji was meditating.
And then I was like “Absolutely not. Over my dead body…”
Correction. Lan Wangji was trying to meditate.
...And then he was like “Sir this is a tea shop. Again, we don’t allow turtles inside,” and so I had Zhengui bite his finger off-
Trying and failing.
Miserably.
He sighed, taking a deep breath, trying to take everything his brother had taught him about the key to meditating successfully and put it to use, but for the first time, in a very long time, he couldn’t concentrate. Though, it was no fault of his own. It was because of-
Speaking of your brother, it’s kinda funny, isn't it?
Lan Wangji’s fists tightened.
I mean you two look so alike and Lan Huan's the most handsome man I’ve ever seen, yet your face alone just makes me want to gag.
Lan Wangji slammed his fist on the table in front of him, causing it to collapse in half on the floor.
I guess personality really does make a difference-
Stop. Talking. He projected through their, regrettable, mind-link. Jiang Cheng had been tormenting him for days nonstop...
His Lan patience had almost run out.
...and a weird sense of deja-vu came over him because for some reason Lan Wangji felt like this was payback for...something…
I’m not talking, I’m thinking-
Doesn’t matter. Stop.
I can’t! I’m not like you, I can’t just keep my mind empty 24/7.
Lan Wangji glanced at the shards of wood on the ground, wondering if any act of violence against his brother-in-law would be more inconspicuous if he used a wooden stake instead of Bichen.
I heard that asshole!
Good. Start running.
Jiang Cheng’s point from earlier still held true. While it was true he loved tormenting Lan Wangi from afar-he’d made the other turn red from anger so many times this week, that...even though gossiping wasn’t allowed...the Lan disciples had started a rumor that maybe Hanguang-jun had developed some sort of rare medical condition...
It wasn’t entirely Jiang Cheng’s fault. As much as he was loath to admit it, he and his brother were actually very similar in terms of having long, frankly ridiculous, never-ending streams of consciousness. But whereas Wei Wuxian and his big mouth would go off tangent after tangent, Jiang Cheng could control himself and keep most of his thoughts to himself.
If Lan Wangji were someone else, like Lan Xichen for example, Jiang Cheng would’ve felt bad for the endless stream of nonsense the other had to listen to but-
You’re a prick, Lan Wangji. How can you expect me to feel bad for you?
It was a genuine question.
Lan Wangji screamed on the inside, remaining completely serene on the outside, but Jiang Cheng heard it and started snickering, startling the elders around him-he was in Gusu not only to spend time with his fiance and his extended family, but also suck-up to the elders...the things he did for Lan Huan.
He quickly turned his laughter into a forced cough.
Meanwhile, on Lan Wangji’s end, Wei Wuxian had just arrived back at the Jingshi from teaching classes, and greeted him with a light kiss on the cheek.
“How was your day, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian asked, pouring himself a cup of tea. He went over to set it on the table, but-
“...”
“...”
“...I can explain-”
“ Another table, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian sighed. He ran a hand along the broken pieces of wood with a pout. “ Seriously ? That’s the third one this week!”
“Apologies, Wei Ying…” Lan Wangji bowed his head, looking like a disobedient puppy.
Wei Wuxian shook his head, and then started giggling. “Your Uncle’s gonna be pissed if he finds out.”
“Mn.” Lan Wangji agreed morosely. Lan Qiren had gifted him this table, in particular, a few years back-a reluctant wedding gift-but he and Wei Wuxian hadn’t needed to actually use it until now. “You seem more upset about the table, than Uncle’s wrath.”
“Well, it was a nice table…”
“ Wei Ying.”
His husband feigned a wide-eyed, innocent-look that brought an amused smile to Lan Wangji’s face. He ambled over to Wei Wuxian, and once they were close enough, he noticed the way the other was staring at his mouth. Distracted by temptation, Lan Wangji leaned in, intent on closing the gap when-
Ha ha. Not so fast, asshole. If I can’t rail your brother while you’re in my head, then you can’t do mine.
Lan Wangji froze, murderous a scowl sweeping over his face. A wave of righteous anger coursed through him.
Wei Wuxian sighed again-he and Lan Xichen seemed to do that a lot lately- “Is it A-Cheng?”
Lan Wangji gave one stiff nod, disappointed that there were no tables around for him to destroy in a silent fit of rage.
And they say I’m the one with anger issues.
“For fuck’s sake…” Wei Wuxian mumbled and then he ran a hand over his face. “Ah, well I’m gonna go work on some more arrays. Maybe I’ll rope Xichen-ge into making one with me!... Because I need to distract myself...seriously Lan er-gege it’s been eight days.. .”
“Mn.” Lan Wangji grumbled, meanwhile fantasizing about Jiang Cheng’s funeral.
A purple coffin? Well, that’s on-brand. I didn’t know you had any taste, Lan Wangji.
Bite me, Jiang Wanyin.
No thanks, you’d be bitter.
You-
So would you have anything to say at my funeral?
... Of course.
Like what?
‘Finally.’
...
Or perhaps, ‘At long last’
...Would you at least cry?
Mn. Tears of joy.
Asshole.
You asked. Now piss off.
You first.
“Lan Zhan! Don’t get too angry, you’re starting to look like a tomato again!” Wei Wuxian warned him on his way out of the Jingshi.
Once he was alone, Lan Wangji blinked slowly, and went back to his mediation attempt once more.
Is that all you do? Meditate and fu-
Where are you?
…
Where. Are. You.
...I have a sword-
We all have swords, Jiang Wanyin. That won’t protect you.
...I have Zidian too, fuckface-
I will find you.
…
That is a promise.
~~
Jiang Cheng shifted in his seat, trying to focus on whatever Elder Lan was saying, but preparing himself for a vicious battle if-need-be. He hadn’t heard any of Lan Wangji’s thoughts for a while now, and it set him on edge.
He kept secretly glancing at the doors every few seconds waiting for his nightmare of a brother-in-law to appear, but he never did, so Jiang Cheng slowly relaxed, listening to the drone of the elders’ voices as they talked about...taxes? Or perhaps some of the new rules they’d added to the Wall of Discipline? Jiang Cheng didn’t really know, he just wanted to get back to the Hanshi to be Lan Xichen and wait out the remaining two days of this curse.
“Thank you for your time.” Jiang Cheng put on his best diplomatic smile as he bowed to each elder as soon as their meeting was over. “It’s been an honor.”
And then he was all-but sprinting out of the Elder’s Tower, goosebumps forming on his arms as he walked back to the Hanshi in the dark. Everytime he thought he heard a rustle in the trees or footsteps behind him, his hands instinctively went to Sandu.
But then suddenly, as he stood in the middle of Cloud Recesses, he had an epiphany.
“Wait a minute...I’m a Sect Leader.” Jiang Cheng muttered. And then louder, “I’m a Sect Leader! I’m one of the most fearsome cultivators alive! You don’t scare me Lan Wangji! I’m not afraid of you!”
Is that so?
Jiang Cheng winced, and then coughed. “...Yes. Yes it is! So come out here and fight me like a Lan!”
As you wish.
Lan Wangji appeared from the shadows-he’d been right in front of Jiang Cheng the entire time, yet the bushes and darkness had concealed him so well, it was astonishing. And also extremely creepy.
The look in his eyes was slightly unhinged.
“...What the hell happened to you…?” Jiang Cheng slowly began backing away. He wasn’t scared okay, he was just being cautious.
What happened? What happened?
Lan Wangji literally sprinted at him grabbing him by the lapels. “ You happened.”
He sounded demonic.
And before Jiang Cheng could react, Lan Wangji was grabbing his collar and dragging him away all the while Jiang Cheng screamed and tried biting him in vain.
“Just know that if you kill me, I’m dragging you to hell with me-!”
“With you in my head, I’m already there.” Lan Wangji snapped.
...It’s been a good run-
~~
You’re going to throw me into a waterfall?
Mn.
And then what?
Hopefully, you will drown.
…
May I throw you to your death now?
No way am I going to be killed by you like this-
You were terrified just a few moments ago.
…
What changed?
I just didn’t expect the waterfall to be this…
Daunting? Formidable?
Pretty.
Pretty…?
Yeah. Look at it!
…
Come closer.
What are you-
“ It’s like I said, Lan Wangji, if I’m going to hell, you’re going with me!” Jiang Cheng cackled, as finally the tables were turned. He grabbed the hand that was attached to his collar and catapulted them both off the cliff, enjoying Lan Wangji’s inner screams as they plummeted to their “death”-
...Of course, this fall wouldn’t have killed either of them. Both cultivators knew that, but still, it was wishful thinking….
~~
“For what it’s worth,” Lan Wangji commented as they waded in the shallow ends. Their robes were completely drenched and with the crazed state of their appearances at the moment, not even water demons would dare try approaching the two. “I’d drag you to hell with me too.”
Jiang Cheng grinned. With you, I’m already there.
Lan Wangji held back a snort.
~~
“Eight days Xichen-ge!”
“I know, Wei Ying. Trust me, I know…”
“We have to make a pact.”
“A pact?”
“On the off chance we ever get “mind-melded” or whatever, we’ll promise to just ignore each other or tune each other out when we…you know…”
“Oh! Oh, yes of course. In fact, I know some great meditation skills that we could-...Um-“
“...”
“Why are they….why are they floating at the bottom of a waterfall?... In their robes?”
“I...they’re floating facedown. Do you think they’re dead?”
“No…?”
“You don’t sound too confident about that-“
“They don’t seem dead?”
“Should we make the juniors fish them out?”.
“We should most likely do it ourselves ”
“But if we couldn't-”
“If we couldn’t that’d be a shame…”
“Yes. Quite a shame…”
Lan Xichen paused, staring directly up at the sky. A wave of deja-vu hit him, but he ignored it while he and Wei Wuxian went on their merry way.
~~ How they ended up cursed in the first place~~
“Can you move? You’re in my way-”
“No.”
“Lan Wangji-!”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Don’t want to.”
“You’re like an overgrown toddler with an ego complex.”
“...That was uncalled for.”
“Eat me-... hey what’s that?”
“Don’t know.”
“Of course you don’t, I forgot you’re stupid.”
Lan Wangji felt a strange sensation, almost as if he’d experienced a moment like this before but kept his thoughts to himself.
“Should we take it?”
“No.”
“ Why are you like this?”
“Jiang Wanyin, we’re here to seal off the magical artifacts in this cave, not steal them.”
“The crystal’s glowing purple and blue, it’s like it was made to be stolen by us!”
“...”
“It’s also shiny.”
“...”
“...”
“...You make a solid point.”
~~A few moments later~~
Shit.
Fuck.