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Albus Wulfric Brian Percival Simon Maria de Guadalajara Dumbledore stretched and exchanged his pyjama hat for a proper one. "Ah! What a great morning to pointlessly endanger students under my care, play favourites and pretend to be a headmaster while actually leaving all the work to Minerva!", he told his pet Guy Fawkes, the very flammable bird that was prone to explosions.
It cawed and pooped on the table.
Hermione Granger knocked on his door, wearing a book as a scarf.
"Headmaster Dumbledore, I don't understand why we do not have Latin and ancient greek on the curriculum if anything one says in a dead language automatically becomes a magic spell!", she whined.
"I think it would be a better idea to fight a very capable evil wizard at the ripe old age of eleven. Why don't you go off to Gryffindor and play with the boys, since you're the only female capable of coherent thoughts and every other girl is insipid, especially the ones who like girly things?", the headmaster twinkled.
The girl floated out on a cloud of bushy hair and buck teeth.
Harry Potter flew in on a deadly broom.
"Hello mister mastermind. Could I have an explanation for literally anything concerning my wellbeing?"
"Hello, sacrificial lamb. No, but you look just like your dead father except for your redheaded eyes."
"Thank you. No wonder everyone loves you."
"Lemon drop?"
"Thank you. Finally a meal for the summer holidays."
"Enjoy your childhood, my boy."
Minerva McGonnagal huffed into his office, just as the boy had left through the window, followed by five assassins and a chew toy.
"Albus, can we maybe try to teach the children to not openly bully each other in the corridors? I had to swim through the tears of first-years to get here", the woman complained.
"Alas, it is what it is. Slytherins are evil and have to wear green, so that the good guys can tell them apart from the insignificant ones in blue and yellow", the headmaster sighed.
"Professor Trelawny defecated in my teacup and told me that was a sign for Harry's imminent death."
"Nitwit, Blubber, Squeek", he answered.
McGonnagal left with a satisfied meow.
"Now I will go and piss off the minister of magic and play chess with my nazi ex-boyfriend", Dumbledore said to the portrait of former headmaster Evan Moreevil- Thanmee.
"Who shall be my new defense against the dark arts teacher? I think an atomic bomb would be a good choice."
"How about me?", Severus Snape said and bellowed in.
"You can't because you're too mean", Dumbledore explained.
"But I was in love once as a teenager", he explained.
"Oh yes, that's right. I forgive you for being an abusive tosser ever since. When Inwas in love, I thought fascism was a good idea", Dumbles nodded.
Snape sighed.
"I have to go and dunk Neville Longbottom in a cauldron now. Maybe I can fill it with the tears of miss Granger before", he said.
"Go ahead, dear boy."
Harry flew back in.
"Professor, I just saved the world. Do I really have to go back to my evil family? Can't I stay here at Hogwarts?"
Dumbledore shook his head solemnly.
"No, you might get a big head."
"Oh. Well, here's your enemies head on a silver platter", Harry sighed.
"Thank you, my boy. My job here is done", Albus said.
"But you didn't do anything!", Draco pouted queer-codedly.
"On the contrary, mr. Malfoy. I am actually a raging terf."
Albus roped his beard around him and vanished into sparkles.