Work Text:
Katsuki was gazing outside of the window. Watching small raindrops form into bigger ones before running down the window glass. People outside walked past in a haste, surprised by the sudden rain shower. Katsuki pressed his cold hands against his warm mug, drinking a small sip before resuming to silently watch life that passed by. He came here often lately, just observing the outside world pass by while he drank his coffee in complete silence.
It always helped him regain some of the peace he had been missing in his life, especially lately. The restaurant had been stressful and with all the complications at work he didn’t have much time left for himself. He deeply craved some downtime, just a few days to let go and unwind.
Katsuki let out a deep sigh, ruffling through his, from the moisture slightly frizzy blonde hair. With all the stress it had been hard lately to not think back to his high school days. An old habit that he didn’t seem to be able to shake. Thinking back to the days he had shared with his redheadedーnow ExーBoyfriend always seemed to reclaim some of the plain ease he had felt with him back then.
It always seemed to make life a little lighter again. Even if he would always end up missing him dearly.
Back then Katsuki hadn’t been ready. Not ready to come out, not ready to be open about his emotions and not ready for him to face his own issues and fears with slowly going deaf. He hadn’t been ready for the long term commitment Kirishima had been looking for and so Katsuki had broken things off.
Back then he had been so caught up with his own issues that he just didn’t have the fucking energy to deal with a boyfriend on top of that. And even though he back then, thought this would be the right choice, not even a single day had passed in which he didn’t regret it ever since.
He missed him. Everything had become harder since he had pushed the upbeat redhead out of his life. The word’s that he would’ve needed to say and the word’s that he never did, were a constant weight he carried with him. Back then he didn’t have the energy, or plain emotional capacity to focus on anyone but himself. He didn’t see or could bring himself to care about the own storm his boyfriend had tried to deal with at the time.
He had recognized that his boyfriend had constantly tried to take over in the battle of worthlessness his mind threatened to overpower him with. But back then Katsuki had turned an blind eye to all of it. Only now, years later he had started to question if he could’ve done things differently.
If they would’ve been better off by now, and still in a relationship if he had let his walls come down. If there would’ve been something he could’ve done to help him stop hurting. And if he could’ve let him in and make his own heart beat better through accepting the offered help. Help his boyfriend to not feel worthless, and help himself to accept who he was and who he was becoming.
Yes, especially on quiet days like this, Katsuki oftentimes found himself thinking back and wishing things would have turned out different. Wishing he would have accepted the love the boy had been feeling and wishing he would have recognized his own.
Katsuki let out a deep sigh. He slumped down in the chair, pulling his face into a deep frown before starting to stare daggers into his brown shimmering coffee. He stared at the small ripples that pulled through the dark liquid as a lighting lit up the café’s insides. He let out a small huff of air before screwing his eyes shut.
He just sat there in almost complete silence for a while. Not paying attention to how much time passed, only listening to the slight buzzing noise in his ears. He almost had fallen asleep before someone ripped him out of his thoughts with a gentle tap against his left shoulder, right next to his ear.
He let out an annoyed grunt before lifting his head to glare at whomever had dared toーHe froze. In Front of him was standing a redheaded man, probably not bigger than himself. Hair styled in a spiky ponytail, tan skin covered and partly hidden by an obnoxious red hoodie and his face drawn into a confused but sheepish smile. Kirishima? Katsuki’s eyes widened.
“Stop talking.” He snapped, staring at the man in front of him. “I can’t fucking hear you shitty hair.” He had left his hearing aids at home to further indulge in the silence. A choice that he suddenly regretted.
Kirishima frowned, pulling himself back into a standing position before scratching the back of his neck, hand running through the slightly shorter and black hair. He first drew his face into a thoughtful scowl before signing a rather shaky <”You remember me?”> His mouth stretched into a big smile.
Katsuki just stared at him. There he was. The cheerful idiot that he couldn't shake from his thoughts. Right in front of him. In the middle of a cofeeshop in literal fucking nowwhere. Signing at him with a smile beaming over his whole face, threatening to split it in half.
Katsuki swallowed, his heart immediately stuttered at the all so familiar sight. He gave a harsh nod before slightly gesturing to the chair on the opposite side. The redhead grinned and Katsuki followed his movements closely as he walked over to sit down.
He couldn’t believe his eyes, was he sleeping? Did he hit his head and was bleeding out somewhere in the fucking streets? He didn’t know, but this, this right here couldn’t be fucking happening. There was just, absolutely no way that it could.
Kirishima immediately sat himself down, slightly ruffling through his damp side bangs before falling into a sheepish and again all too familiar smile. <”I didn’t know you were living here!”> He signed again, talking while doing so and also being significantly less shaky than before. Katsuki couldn’t but notice that he seemed to be rather accustomed to it.
He scrunched up his face, trying to pull himself together and break free from the frozen state he had gotten stuck in. <”I’m living here since six years idiot, the fuck are you doing here?”> He let out a small scoff, pulling his face into a deep frown. His answer seemed to only stretch the smile on his ex-boyfriend’s face wider. <”The hell?”>
Kirishima chuckled, slightly toying with his hoodie collar before signing again. <”I moved here last month!”> He tilted his head a bit. <”Wanted to get out of the city for a bit.”>
Katsuki, who was still staring, snapped his mouthーwhich he only now had noticed to still be openーshut. He didn’t know what messed up game the universe was currently playing with him, but if it meant he might have a chance to reverse the biggest mistake of his whole life, then he was ready to go full in.
<”It’s good to see you man.”> The redhead’s smile softened, it looked a little sad but Katsuki couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t him who had broken things off between them after all.
Katsuki swallowed again, quickly reaching for his half empty coffee mug before taking a sip. <”Why the hell do you speak JSL?”> He pulled his face back into a deep scowl without replying to any of the other received information. None of this current situation seemed to be real.
It felt like one of his from longing reeking dreams that he had to sit through every once in a while. That the slightly dimmed cafe room in which they were sitting in only was lit by the orange ceiling lamps, small fairy lights and the occasional thunderstorm lightning only added to that feeling.
Kirishima seemed to hum before tilting his head to the other side. <”Learnt it back then.”> He smiled shyly before pulling his lips into a wider grin. <”I’m using it on work ever since!”> He gave Katsuki a quick thumbs up before pressing his, probably cold hands onto the outside of his mug.
He learnt it back then? Was he trying to say that he learned JSL for him? Katsuki slightly shook his head, he was sure he had started to gawk again. This literally couldn’t be real. <”Work?”> He asked, still in deep disbelief yet curiously. Because no matter if this was real or not, the redhead he had missed so much was sitting right in front of him. And he wasn’t about to waste hisーeven if maybe not even realーopportunity.
Kirishima seemed to hum again. <”I’m working as a personal trainer. I have worked with a bunch of deaf clients since I know how to sign”> He just beamed again before taking a sip from his drink that had been standing slightly forgotten in front of him.
Katsuki scratched the back of his neck. The idiot seemed to, not only have learnt sign language even before him , but had apparently kept using it while moving forward in his life. And with that used it to probably help a bunch of people feel included because of him. Fuck. Katsuki let out a deep sigh. If his whole being had needed any more reasons to cling to his old feelings then this had probably been it.
He stared at his own drink for a while before glancing back up when he noticed Kirishima starting to sign again. <”It wasn’t an easy decision to leave that behind.”> He shifted a little uncomfortably. <”But my mom died last year and I just”> He frowned, pausing in the middle of his movement. <”I just needed some space ya know?”>
Katsuki froze. His heart dropped. Eiko died? He hesitated. <”How did that happen?”> He wasn’t sure if he would overstep an invisible line with the question, but he had known his mother’s quite well. Back then, he had often visited them.
He had come over to stay at the Kirishima’s place whenever the weight of the whole world had threatened to crush him once again. And he had always been allowed to spend the nights in which he couldn’t stand to stay around his parent’s anymore. Truth was, Kirishima’s home had been more like his home than his own ever had managed to be. His stomach twisted.
Kirishima smiled sadly, fingertip running over the edge of his mug before letting go to take another sip. <”Car accident.”> He signed slowly, this time without talking at the same time. Katsuki’s heart burned. <”Ma was also in it, but she’s fine.”> He let out a deep sigh, slightly scratching the back of his neck. <”It’s been a rough few months, but she moved back to her parents”> He chewed on his lips. <”Took Aiko with her and moved to Osaka.”>
Katsuki frowned, he knew how important his family was for him. Breaking apart, especially after losing one of them must’ve been more than just ‘rough’ for him. <”I’m sorry”> He said, actually raising his voice.
Kirishima just nodded, giving him a sad smile before taking another sip. It was pretty clear that he didn’t want to talk anymore about this. And Katsuki decided to run with it, he didn’t want to make his old boyfriend even more uncomfortable than he already was.
<”You found a damn job already?”> He watched the redhead’s face closely, the smile that had returned to his face didn’t seem to quite reach his eyes.
<”Yeah! It was a little hard but it worked out fine!”> He grinned, leaning back before locking their eyes. Katsuki flinched, dropping his gaze to take a sip himself. He couldn’t look him in the eyes, he didn’t want to know what truths he could find. Not about what happened, not about how he had felt, and not how he was feeling right now to sit in front of the man that had shattered his heart to pieces all these years ago. So he only hummed, staring into his almost empty coffee mug before snapping his eyes back up when Kirishima continued.
<”So youー”> The redhead frowned, letting his arms sink. Katsuki guessed it anyway.
<”I’m not completely Deaf.”> He thoughtlessly pulled his hand up, resting it underneath his left ear. <”Just not wearing any damn hearing aids today.”> He let his arm sink before reaching back up to run a hand through his blonde hair. Them talking in sign still felt bizarre.
Back then his developing deafness had felt like a huge landmine that the redhead constantly had stepped in. And now it suddenly had been just an underlining side topic, only present by their current form of communication.
<”Still hate them huh?”> Kirishima was beaming sincerely again. Katsuki scowled at the slight heat that suddenly crept up his neck. The redhead looked fucking stunning.
His, from the rain still slightly damp hair was gently surrounding the upper part of his face, perfectly complimenting the soft sunkissed tan. Katsuki swallowed, he was staring again.
”Fuck you.” He snapped, nervously scratching the back of his neck. His heart suddenly picked up it’s speed, hyper aware of how close they were sitting together. <”I’m just not wearing them outside of work. Cut me some damn slack.”> He scowled before huffing out a deep sigh.
Kirishima just laughed, grinning brightly while leaning forward a bit, head resting on a propped up hand. <”I missed you.”> He smiled softly, gently reaching out to grab for Katsuki’s chin.
Katsuki froze, his breath hitched and he watched Kirishima stop moving as well before pulling his hand back without ever actually touching it. His heart suddenly screamed into his ears. What?? What was he about to do? Katsuki stared at him, he opened his mouth to say something before frowning down into his empty mug. His heart was still jumping up his throat, trying to strangle him.
<”You have a boyfriend again?”> Kirishima suddenly only signed. Katsuki could make out a slight darkening of the already pink hint on his skin as the redhead dropped his eyes.
“No.” Katsuki croaksted. Or at least assumed that he did, his throat had suddenly felt too tight. He shifted uncomfortably, slightly biting down onto his lips as the red eyes snapped back up to investigate him.
<”Not since you.”> He kept his eyes locked on his drink. <”Not really anyways.”> He couldn’t look at him right now. He didn’t want to know what he would find.
Kirishima just gently tugged at his jacket to get his attention back to him. <”Why not?”>
Katsuki felt heat rush into his cheeks, his whole face started to burn so fast that it made him dizzy. He inhaled sharply, quickly leaning back in his chair to bring more distance between them. He hesitated before simply giving him a shrug. Why was he asking this? What was he thinking? Katsuki swallowed, he for once was completely unable to read the redhead’s face.
Kirishima stayed silent for a bit. <”And the actual reason?”> Fuck. Katsuki screwed his suddenly burning eyes shut. What should he do? Answer honestly? Tell him that he never stopped loving him and that he was too self absorbed to see that back then? That he couldn’t bring himself to be with anyone else because he would constantly think back to him? That his heart ached to even consider anyone else but him? Katsuki swallowed again. His mind was spinning, his ears rang.
He flinched and snapped his eyes back open as he felt a warm palm get pressed against his cheek. Now he actually felt like crying. Feeling Kirishima’s warmth pressed against his skin suddenly made all the yearning and regret crash full force down on him, desperately trying to drag him down with it. He had to blink hard against the tears. He quickly knocked the hand away and pulled his face into a deep scowl, pushing his hand into his pockets so that he wouldn’t need to talk.
Kirishima seemed to hesitate. <”You okay?”> Katsuki swallowed. He should be asking that. He should be asking how he had been. How he had dealt with their breakup, how he had managed to stop the pain.
Katsuki didn’t answer, his head burned, his arms were shaking and his throat felt too tight. He only gave the redhead a shaky nod before staring daggers into the table in front of them. He couldn’t talk, not right now. Not about this . Not while he so desperately wanted to reach out and kiss the man. Not while he was so fucking scared to even breath, so scared that it made him angry.
Kirishima let him. He shifted in his seat, slowly unpacking a sandwich and eating it in silence. He didn’t try to pick their conversation back up again. He didn’t try to ask further and didn’t try to reach for him. But none of that made anything better. It only made this heart painfully throb and his bubbling guilt to try and eat him up.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered, not sure if even loud enough for the other man to hear.
Kirishima did though. He froze, staring at Katsuki for a long time before frowning towards him. <”Sorry for what?”> He put his sandwich down, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before leaning back in.
Katsuki scrowled and screwed his eyes back shut. He took a deep breath, he decided to go all out and jump the universe right into it’s stupidly challenging face didn’t he?
<” For everything.”> He signed slowly, hands slightly shaking.
<”For being awkward, for hurting you.”> He took another breath trying to stable his hands.
<”For breaking up.”> He swallowed hard, the burning returning to his eyes.
<”For trying to selfishly leave my feelings behind.”> He let his arms sink down, he was shaking too much. He couldn’t say more.
He had gone through this situation so many times. Imagined what he would tell Kirishima. How he would tell him how much he regretted breaking up, how much he regretted hurting him. How much he wanted to reverse time and take his offer for help. How much he hoped to meet him again. How much he missed him and how much his heart ached for getting him back.
Kirishima stared at him, he opened his mouth multiple times before gently reaching out to grab a shaking hand. <”Look at me.”> He said while slowly taking Katsuki’s hand in both of his, gently squeezing it before rubbing his thumb over the skin. He held it for a while, only letting go with one hand to continue to sign. <”I never stopped loving you.”> His own eyes slowly filled with tears. <”Please don’t look at me like that.> He took a shaky breath. <”I’m serious.”>
Katsuki stared at him, his hands still shook and he couldn’t but try to search for a lie. He knew he wouldn’t find one but he had to make sure if his mind really wasn’t just playing tricks on him. <”WhyーWhy are you telling me that?”> What was there to love about me back then anyways?
He had been a gigantic asshole when he was younger. He had constantly pushed Kirishima aside. Had screamed at him when he only tried to help, ignored his words of affection and refused him time and time again. He had forced him to keep their relationship secret and had hurt him. He shouldn’t have loved him, and he shouldn’t love him now after everything Katsuki had done to him.
Katsuki shook his head, he pulled his hand away and jumped up before waiting for a reply. He grabbed his bag and quickly rushed outside. He knew Kirishima was following him, he knew he probably was talking even though he knew he wouldn’t hear him. He knew he was somehow trying to stop him, running after him through the heavy rain, desperate to grab a hold of him. But Katsuki didn’t care. No he couldn’t care. Fuck the universe, fuck this oportunity. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t confront himself with everything he had done.
He flinched when Kirishima managed to grab his arm with a strong grip. He almost crashed down at the sudden stop and barely managed to follow him as he immediately pulled him to the side. He quickly walked them into a sidestreet between two small shops before turning around to him.
Katsuki needed a moment to catch his stance. He blinked. Blinked against the confusion that had overcome him, against the cold rain that was creeping under his skin and against the hot tears that were constantly bubbling out of him.
Kirishima just took a moment to catch his breath before gently cupping his face and pulling him into a kiss. Katsuki’s whole world stopped. His breath hitched, his heart jumped up into his throat and his vision blurred as his eyes dropped shut. He couldn’t but melt into the kiss. God how he had missed this. How he had missed the warmth of Kirishima’s breath fanning against his face or the tingling heat in his lips.
He had to blink hard against his immediately clouded mind when Kirishima broke the kiss, slowly putting some distance between him, just enough to be able to sign. <”Don’t run away from me again.”> His hands shook. Eyes puffy, cheeks red and tears were streaming down his face. <“Please”> His lips trembled while he spoke and Katsuki couldn’t handle any of it.
He immediately pulled him back before his brain could react. He pushed their lips back together, kissing him furiously. Hands came flying up, desperately grabbing his face then his hair before looping them around his neck.
He pressed their bodies together. Kissing him again and again, only breaking apart to gasp for air. He couldn’t have stopped even if he would’ve wanted to. Hot tears were mixing on their faces, running down to their lips as he barely managed to still keep himself upright.
“I love you, fuck I love you.” He didn’t know if he said it right, didn’t know if the sob that ripped through his chest made it completely inaudible but he didn’t care, he just pressed their lips back together. He didn’t want to stop, not now that the warmth he had so desperately craved finally had come back to him.
They only started to break apart when both of them were smiling so brightly that kissing seemed to have become impossible. Kirishima gently kissed over Katsuki’s jaw, showering his face in kisses before pressing his whole face into his neck, noticeably breathing him in.
Katsuki knew that he probably was talking to him, his heart rate picked up and he gently tugged at his hair to get his head back up to see his face. “Fucking talk to my face.” He rasped out, throat feeling too tight. Gently kissing him again before Kirishima pulled back far enough to sign.
He was beaming at him, so brightly it sent shivers down his spine. < “I love you too Katsuki.”>