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It had been almost two years, and there were days when Penny couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe that Morgan was going into 1st grade in a few weeks, or that she was done with her first year of college and ready for her second. It had been hard at first...harder than she'd expected, to move away from her aunt and Mr. Stark, even though she and Ned were on the same floor at MIT. That part, seeing a familiar face every day and having her best friend close by to talk to, felt like her saving grade some days. Some days, it felt like the only thing getting her through the day was knowing that she could crash in Ned's room, dropping onto his bed and complaining about her latest class or how much homework she had or how much she missed home.
She saw her aunt on breaks. And Mr. Stark too...she'd seen him every time she'd been back in the city. And she knew that he was really busy with Morgan and his wife and his farm and splitting his time between his family and his company, spending some days in the city and others at his farm, although with Morgan in school now, she knew it was even harder. And she understood. She knew that Mr. Stark had a real family and that despite what he said...despite him telling her, clearly and more than once, that she was like his kid too, and that he loved her (which had been a shock to hear said out loud the first time), she didn't think it was the same.
No, she thought often on lonely nights or after long days spent slaving away on homework, it wasn't the same. Sure, after those five years, Mr. Stark was different. He was softer. More openly affectionate, pulling her into a side hug and kissing her hair, or telling her how proud he was of her. And that was...it was nice. At first, it had been strange and even though she'd wished and hoped ever since they'd met that he would become a mentor...a father figure to her, she'd never let herself really think about it. Had never let herself dream that something like that could ever come true. But then...then she had been afraid to let herself hope that it would continue.
So she hadn't initiated many phone calls during her first year of school. She'd sent Morgan post cards from MIT, throwing in a line to Mr. Stark telling him she hoped he was having a good day. She'd tried not to keep him on the phone for too long when he called her. She'd made sure not to overstay her welcome when he'd had her over to his farm during Thanksgiving the year before. And sometimes she thought he looked sad. She'd catch a glimpse of him as she was leaving the room, or when she'd tell him that she was letting him go after a quick phone call, and there would be this look in his eyes that she didn't understand.
Why would he be sad?
It was something she tried not to think about, just like the nightmares of Titan and Beck and her suit, tucked into the very back of her closet, unused. She hadn't put it on in so long...not since Beck and that fight where Mr. Stark had appeared, swooping in to save the day after she'd been so stupid. After she'd let herself be tricked. There were a lot of things she didn't think about, focusing instead on her increasingly difficult school work and drinking too many energy drinks so that she didn't have to sleep. Sleep was where the nightmares were. Sleep was what kept her from doing the piles of homework she had to finish every night. She'd insisted that six classes wasn't too many, even when Ned had tried to talk sense into her a few weeks ago during registration.
Penny had been up for three days straight when the migraine started. Two days later, with only an hour or two of sleep thrown in there somewhere, two missed classes, and one failed exam, the migraine was still raging, and she found herself in the communal girl's bathroom of her hall, kneeling in front of a toilet, her body apparently trying to empty itself of everything she'd consumed over the last few hours, which wasn't much. Two more energy drinks. A pack of crackers. And...pixie sticks? She couldn't remember. Couldn't think around the constant, icepick-sharp throbbing making it impossible to do anything except dry heave into the toilet, her whole body shaking as she rested her forehead on the toilet seat, trying not to think about how many butts had touched it since the last cleaning.
Too many butts. The answer was too many butts.
Even when she was done heaving into the toilet, her entire body drained and exhausted and her eyes shut tight against the fluorescent lights overhead, Penny couldn't think. Couldn't move. All she could do was curl up there, wedged between the toilet and the wall, feet sticking out of the door. Pressing her hands to the toilet seat and trying to stand, she gave a groan as her head throbbed once more, making the world spin. All of her limbs seemed drained of strength and she was vaguely aware of the tears streaming down her face.
And then Ned was kneeling on the floor beside her, a hand resting on her back. "Penny? Hey! Penny!"
She blinked at him, eyes bleary and throbbing along with the rest of her head. "Ned?" she asked, flinching when just the words made her throat ache. She still felt sick...still felt like she might throw up if she moved too quickly.
"What happened?"
"Feel sick," she muttered, too exhausted and weak to explain.
Ned just nodded, getting an arm around her and helping her up, letting her lean all of her weight onto him as he half dragged her to her room where she collapsed on her bed, hiding her face in the pillows. Ned turned out the light, and she thought she might get to sleep, but the next thing she knew, Ned was sitting on the bed and speaking softly to someone she couldn't see. "I found her in the bathroom." A pause. "Yeah, she's laying down now...but she's been acting weird and she was throwing up….yeah. Okay. Yeah. Here." Ned shook her shoulder a little, ignoring the groan and glare she gave him before pressing something to her ear.
Then a familiar voice was in her ear. "Penny? Kiddo, can you hear me?"
The tears came then, hard and fast and pouring down her cheeks as she fought back a sob. She wanted Mr. Stark. She wanted him there, with her, taking care of her. It wasn't something that had ever happened...she'd never really gotten sick before Titan, and then...then she remembered him holding her, but then...she'd been gone. "Mr. Stark?" she asked, voice wobbling, and immediately his worry seemed to kick up a notch.
"Pen? What's wrong?"
"I don't feel so good," she sobbed, forgetting for a moment, somehow, what had happened the last time she'd said it. Titan and pain and dust. On the other line was a silence so painful that she sobbed again, shaking her head. "I'm sorry...sorry...I didn't….I'm sorry…"
There was a ragged breath on the other line and she dropped the phone, burying her face into the pillow and sobbing even harder. It hurt. Everything hurt. Her head and her heart and her entire body seemed to throb with the pain, even with Ned's hand on her shoulder and even with Mr. Stark's far off voice in the phone, strangled and desperate. She wanted to sleep but she couldn't risk it...didn't have time and didn't have the strength to face the nightmares anymore.
It couldn't have been an hour before the door to her dorm room was pulled open. Ned stood, muttering something she didn't even try to make out. She wasn't crying anymore. All she could do was lay there, head throbbing, eyes aching, body spent and limp, until her door clicked shut, and the bed dipped beside her, a familiar hand touching her hair. "Penny," the man murmured, and she closed her eyes even more tightly, lips pressed together. She didn't want to cry anymore. It felt like that was all she could do. Like she'd lost whatever had made her smart and strong and brave and all she was left with was this bone-deep exhausted and the throbbing in her brain. "I'm going to help you sit up, okay? And then you can take these."
Penny didn't ask what she was taking. Instead, she took the pills he placed in her palm and swallowed them with the water he handed her next. And then his hands were behind her shoulders, easing her back down onto the bed, a warm, wet washcloth gently wiping away the traces of her tears and probably snot and maybe vomit from her face. She wanted to tell him that she was fine, and that he could go. That Morgan or Pepper or his company probably needed him. Instead, she closed her eyes and let her head sink into the pillow, trying not to think about all the homework she needed to do.
She woke to the sound of a door closing and jerked awake, half sitting up and looking around her room, but it was only Mr. Stark moving quietly over to her bed, a hand outstretched to rest on her forehead. "Hey, Pen. Feeling any better?"
In fact, she was. Her head was no longer throbbing, her heart seemed to be beating at a normal pace, and her stomach didn't feel weird and flippy like it usually did before she had to throw up. "Yeah," she murmured, pushing her hair back and sitting up. "I'm fine. What are you doing here?"
Mr. Stark narrowed his eyes, hurt flashing across his face, but before she could apologize, he answered her question. "Ned called. He said you were sick, and when I talked to you on the phone, you sounded pretty rough. So I thought I'd swing by with the good drugs."
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh. So, why didn't you tell me you were sick?"
Penny swallowed, dropping her eyes and glancing around the room. It was clean...cleaner than it had been in days. Her notes and folders and books were all straightened on her desk, her trash empty of the many energy drink cans that had filled it, along with the hot pocket and ramen wrappers, and it looked like he'd even dusted. "You didn't have to clean my room," Penny started, but Mr. Stark shook his head, voice gentle but firm when he spoke.
"Why didn't you tell me you were sick? Also, how many energy drinks have you had this week?"
"Mr. Stark, I'm fine."
"You're not." The man shook his head, a sad smile turning the corners of his mouth. "You're not fine, Pen. You haven't been 'fine' since Beck. Hell...before that. And neither have I. And neither has your aunt or Pepper or Ned. But none of us can help you if you won't talk to us."
"There's nothing to talk about."
"How about why you've been avoiding me for a year?"
"I don't avoid you!" she started to argue, the truth of his question piercing something deep inside her. He'd noticed. He knew what she was doing. And if they had a talk about it...if she was forced to put words to her feelings, it would all fall apart. The wall she'd built to protect herself, to try to keep the nightmares and the deep, aching sadness at bay...it would come crumbling down. And then what would she do? Mr. Stark stared into her eyes and he must have seen it. He must have realized in an instant all that she wanted to say and all that she couldn't because he moved to sit beside her and gathered her into his arms like she was Morgan, pressing her lips to her hair and rocking her back and forth, slowly swaying from side to side.
"Oh, honey. It's okay."
Penny shook her head, mouth opening but refusing to form words.
"Honey...Pen, it's okay."
"It's not okay!" she choked out, shaking her head even harder, but he rested a hand on her hair, squeezing her tight. Safe. His arms were safe. How long since she'd felt safe?
"Maybe not yet," he gave in, letting her rest her head on his shoulder. "But it will be. I know that everything feels...wrong. Maybe I didn't do a good enough job…"
"No, you…"
"You're my kid." His words made her own dry up in her throat, evaporating before they could leave her mouth. Still he went on. "You...ever since...god I don't even know when. I don't know when I first realized it. God knows I was too dumb and too scared and insecure to say it. But for so long, you've been like my kid. Like the daughter I never had until Morgan came along, and then, when I held her...it was like I could hardly stand it, because I loved her so much, but it was like, every time I looked at her, I thought about you. I thought about how I never told you how much I loved you, and how much you meant to me. And I'm so sorry, Pen. I'm sorry I didn't tell you and I'm sorry that I wasn't around enough when you were going through all of this." He gestured broadly at the room, and she knew what he meant, even if she wanted to argue.
"But you have Morgan and…"
"And you," Mr. Stark finished, still holding her close, his cheek resting on her hair. "I have Morgan and I have you. My girls. And I love you both so much." His lips pressed against her hair and Penny closed her eyes, relishing in it, a tear running down her cheek. "So here's what we're going to do. I'm going to drive us to the diner and Rhodey and I used to eat at to get rid of hangovers, and then we're going to have a talk. Okay?"
Part of her wanted to say no...to keep trying the tactic that had been failing so spectacularly. But another part of her wanted nothing more than to spend the day or night or whatever time it was talking to Mr. Stark and fixing this, no matter what it took. So, never one to stay down, even when she was the one keeping herself there, she nodded. "Okay."
Thanks for reading!!