Chapter Text
Alex knows he needs to do this; has known since the day they landed in Julie’s garage. However, actually being here, standing outside his old house, he would very much like to just poof back to the studio and be around his best friends.
He didn’t tell anyone he was coming here, partially because he didn’t want to get an earful from Luke again and partially because he didn’t, and still doesn’t, know if he’s even going to go inside.
He’s anxious to say the least.
Okay, so he feels like Reggie’s sitting on his chest, and it's a little hard to breathe.
But he has to do it. He has to know how his family is. He knows what Luke said about his parents is true, but his sisters? His sisters loved him, he knows they did.
No one is home, if the empty driveway is any indication. Not that he would be disturbing anyone by being there anyway.
‘Just go in, Alex,’ He keeps thinking to himself, yet hasn't moved in ten minutes.
For some reason, he thinks something will change when he steps through the door. So he holds his breath, shuts his eyes, steps through the familiar door blindly.
He stands in the foyer for a minute, still holding his breath. He doesn’t know why, he doesn’t even have to breath anymore. Old habits die hard, he guesses. He’s used to holding his breath in this house.
He opens his eyes, looking around. Same end table that was nicked with scratches and cluttered with mail and things his dad would drop on it when he came home, forgetting it there for days. A cluttered coat rack sitting by the stairs, a line of shoes piled next to the door.
He almost has an urge to take off his sneakers, but he remembers it wouldn’t make a difference. He walks forward slowly, like he's walking around land mines. Another feeling he’s used to in this house.
The living room hasn’t changed much. There is a new couch; it’s leather now. He always wanted a leather couch. Allison always complained when he and Amanda would spill their juice on it and leave it for her to clean. The TV is bigger, taking up a lot more of the wall, and it’s shiny black surface was empty, without his reflection. His dad probably loved it.
He runs his hand over the quilted blanket he had taken naps under, had cuddled with Luke and Reggie during his first scary movie while his parents were away, had cried into when his parents left him alone after he told them who he really was. He doesn’t realize he’s clutching it until his rings bite into his fingers, making him let go.
Alex takes a deep breath, looking over the fireplace. There’s a big family picture there, obviously taken after he had died. His mom and dad are smiling softly, holding Allison and Amanda’s shoulders in front of them. His mom has on her favorite sweater, the one he and his sisters had gotten her for Christmas two years before he died. His dad’s arm is around her shoulders, his wedding band glinting in the flash.
Alex can see the small silver ‘A’ necklace hanging at Amanda’s neck, her hands stuck in her pockets. She barely smiles at all as she looks at the camera, her blond hair softly curled around her shoulders.
Allison's smile is big, but forced. Like she’s compensating for everyone else. She always had a tendency to take on everyone’s load. It was one of the things that annoyed him the most, but also what he loved the best about her. He can see her clutching Amanda’s hand between them, like they are both holding onto something. He can’t tell what though, maybe it was just each other.
Alex is not going to let himself think about where he would fit in that picture. He doesn’t think he would.
He tears his eyes away, walking to the kitchen. Alex walks around the counter, smiling at the empty bread box with a loaf of plastic wrapped bread right next to it. He had always been the only one who bothered to put anything in the containers his mom bought. It gave him something to do with his hands, when he was nervous.
He walks through to the dining room, the tablecloth dusty and unused, the china cabinet filled with shiny and untouched plates. They barely ever ate in here unless it was a special occasion, and even then they ended up on the couch.
Alex walks back around, back to the foyer, and looks up the stairs.
He had only walked through every other room so he could avoid going to his. Or to Amanda’s.
“You just have to get to the top, Alex.” He whispers to himself. It’s 15 steps. He’d counted them once. It was a part of his way of surviving here. He just has to make it up the steps.
Then down the hallway.
Then to his door.
Alex starts up the steps, turning his head to look at the pictures lining the way up. Both of his sisters in red caps and gowns. Allison with an honor roll sash around her neck, chords hanging from her shoulders. He expects to see chords for the drama club or newspaper hanging on Amanda’s shoulders, but there are none. She just gave the same soft smile at the camera, her tassel tangled amongst her curls. He would have fixed it if he had been there. Further up, he sees two more pictures that look too familiar to the others: their college graduation pictures. His sisters had gone to the same one, and looking at their matching stoles he realises they both joined the same sorority.
His sisters. In the same sorority.
Okay...
There are other pictures too, pictures of them at sports games, family trips, old pictures of their grandparents and other relatives. But Alex doesn’t see any of him. Not even the ones that had been there before he died. Not that he was looking, he wasn’t. Definitely wasn’t.
Alex was still convincing himself when he saw his blond head in a dusty frame. He blows out a breath of air on it, clearing some of the gray. It’s the family photo they had taken the summer before him and Amanda started high school.
Alex looked uncomfortable in his soft pink button down and slacks. He had had to fight his dad so hard to get to wear that shirt. The only reason he let him was because it was an Easter picture, and Amanda was wearing a matching dress. She had backed him up, even if she didn’t know why he wanted it so bad. But Alex wasn’t uncomfortable because of the shirt, or the way his dad’s hand clamped on his shoulder. He was nervous because he had planned to tell his parents he was gay the day they took that picture.
He can remember his palms sweating as the photographer said to smile, how he could barely make his mouth obey the command. There was an anxious ball of stress in his stomach, and all he had wanted to do was talk to Luke and Reggie. To have them behind him.
They wanted to be there.
But it was something he thought he had to do alone.
It was something he shouldn’t have done alone.
Alex feels the anxious knot in his stomach grow tighter, his vision starting to blur. His hands are clenched, his knuckles white.
He turns his head to look up and away from the photo. He only has five more steps.
“Just get to the top.” He breathes out shakily. His hands are shaking as he turns away from the picture, climbing the rest of the stairs.
Alex releases a sigh as he looks down the lit hallway, each of the doors clean and untouched. Him and his sisters' rooms were spread out evenly; Amanda’s at the top of the stairs, Allison’s in the middle of the hall, and his at the far end, in the room he and Amanda used to share.
He remembers how hard he had fought for that room, when Amanda said she was tired of sharing it with him. They had started bickering when their parents asked them who would be moving.
Amanda only fought because she didn’t want to move all her stuff. Truthfully, she had more things than him: diaries, stuffed animals, all kinds of toys. She felt that because she had more clutter, the room should stay hers.
But Alex fought her. He knows she thought it was just because he was being lazy, or that he wanted to annoy her. But that wasn’t it.
This room was the farthest away from anyone else. Alex needed it, for the sole reason that he’d be able to take a breath without being nervous. To study with Luke and Reggie without his mom barging in. To have a space where he could be him, as far away from them as possible.
Alex walks forward, peeking his head into Amanda’s room. The shelves still had some trophies covered in dust, the bed bare. There are boxes scattered around with various things of hers in them. But it isn’t lived in anymore. He figured that was plausible, her and Allison had probably moved away a long time ago.
He steps back, walking down the hall to peek in Allison’s room, in which he finds the same scene as Amanda’s.
Alex sighs. He misses his sister’s, a lot more than he thought he could.
Alex walks away from the door, walking to his at the end of the hall. The light on his end is dark, like the bulb hasn’t been changed in ages. He bites his lip, looking at his door.
Alex doesn’t know why he doesn’t just phase through like he did with the other rooms. He still can’t think of a reason as he reaches out his hand to turn the gold knob.
But it doesn’t turn. It’s locked.
Alex frowns. His parents didn’t allow locked doors in the house. It had been a rule that had vexed him ever since he learned he was gay. So, basically his whole life.
His shoulders deflate, the tension falling out of his shoulders.
‘I don’t think I want to see how they destroyed it, made it just another storage room.’ He thinks. He purses his lips, wondering if he should try the knob again, when he hears a car pull up in the driveway.
Alex’s chest tightens as he hears a car door slam. He blinks, the knot in his stomach getting tighter as he looks back at his bedroom door.
Julie would be home from school by now, he should go.
-
He poofs back to the garage and lands just outside the door. He can see inside, can see Luke and Julie sitting at the piano smiling while they talk. Reggie is sitting on the couch, bass in his hand and playing some chords.
Alright, nothing happened. They don’t need to know. Just go in there and act normal.
Act normal, right… Alex has always had a hard time with that phrase, because like ‘act normal?’ How is he supposed to do that?! It’s either acting or being normal, not both!
He takes a breath, shaking his hands out before walking through the garage doors.
“Hey guys,” He says softly, gaining the attention of everyone.
“Alex!” Julie exclaims, getting up from the piano to rush over and hug him.
It’s been a thing since the night they played the Orpheum. In the week that has passed, Julie has grown to show her affection for the guys by touching them, whether it be by greeting them with a hug or just placing a casual hand on their shoulder or ruffling their hair.
Alex doesn’t mind it. Okay, Alex thrives on it, he always has thrived on physical contact, no matter how small. That’s one of his love languages.
“Hey,” He huffs in her ear, laughing a bit at his tiny friend.
“Hey, how was Willie?” She asks, letting go of him.
“Willie?”
“Yeah… The guys said you were out for a while, so I assumed you were with Willie. I shouldn't have assumed,” she mutters the last part, head down.
“No, uh, it's fine- He's fine.”
He had been with Willie earlier. He needed to calm his nerves before going to his parents’. Willie helps calm him down.
“Now that you're here we can start rehearsing,” Luke says, getting up from the piano. Alex nods and they all settle into their respective positions around the room.
They get into rehearsing different songs, starting with “Great” then “Bright” and onto “Finally Free.” The rest of the band notice that Alex is a little off beat at times, and he can tell as they keep looking back at him. So, he tries harder to stay focused on the beat. He needs to just lose himself in the music.
Yeah, the music.
The beat.
Singing.
His younger sister Allison used to love it when he would sing. He would come home from school or band practice and she would be waiting for him. She wouldn’t go to sleep without him singing her a lullaby. Amanda, his twin sister, loved it too. He would always catch her at Allison’s door when he sang her to sleep.
He misses his sisters.
Of course he misses his sisters, how could he not?
He wonders how they dealt with him leaving home, then ultimately dying.
They… They had to have missed him, right?
What if they didn’t?
No, of course they did.
...right?
Shit, what if they hated him just as much as his parents did when he came out?
It's entirely possible.
His entire family could hate him, not care that he died at all. He doesn't know. He doesn't know because his parents kicked him out, and then a few months later, he died.
Around him, the band has stopped playing and are all looking at the drummer, not that he has noticed. No, he is staring at his drum kit, eyes unfocused, one drumstick now on the floor, and hands shaking a little bit.
“Alex?” Julie calls out to him, making Luke and Reggie snap their eyes to her.
“Julie, maybe you shouldn’t be here for this…” Reggie starts, making Julie frown.
“What? No, something’s wrong with Alex. I’m not leaving him,” Julie refuses, stepping closer to the drummer. “Alex?”
Alex’s mind is running down a deep, dark hole. His spiralling thoughts take him further away from reality as the seconds pass. He is completely spaced out to the world.
Two of the most important people in his life were his sisters, and if they felt the same as his parents, if they found out he is gay and cast him out… He honestly doesn’t know what he would've done. He didn’t get the chance to find out. Because he died. He’s dead.
Maybe his parents wanted him this way after he came out.
“Alex!” A voice startles him out of his thoughts. His eyes snap up to Julie, then he looks around to Luke and Reggie, all of them staring back at him with concern. He feels something wet drop onto his hand, and looks down to see water. He lifts his shaking hand to his face, wiping tears from his cheeks.
“Alex, what-” Julie doesn’t get to finish her questions, because between one word and the next, he’s gone. “Do either if you know what’s going on?”
“No.” Luke mutters.
“Julie, maybe we should just let him think for a while. He obviously wants to be alone right now,” Reggie says looking at Luke, who just shakes his head. “Julie, look, let’s go hang out in the house. You head there, we’ll poof in in a minute,” He adds, leading Julie out of the studio. “He’s gonna be fine.”
Once the doors close and Julie is headed to the house, Reggie turns back to Luke, who is still staring at the drum kit.
“You don’t need to go after him.”
“I do.” Luke says.
“Luke-“
“No, Reg, something’s wrong!” Luke exclaims, snapping to face the bassist.
“Yeah, and don’t you think he would tell us about it if he needed to?” Reggie asks.
“No! Reggie, he used to do this all the time! It took him a week to tell us his parents kicked him out! He never wanted to tell us anything that went down with his… parents…” Luke trails off, realizing what Alex is dealing with. “Shit.”
And Luke is gone. Poofed off to find Alex.
Reggie sighs, then poofs into Julie’s room. She’s sitting on her bed, scrolling on her computer but looking nervous either way.
“Finally!” She looks up at him, “Where’s Luke?”
“Luke went to go find Alex. He has a history of doing this.”
“Poofing off out of nowhere?”
“No, just… not telling when something is bothering him. And you know how Luke is… He can’t stand it when any of us are hurting, so… Off he went. Can’t stop him.”
Julie smiles.
-
Luke drops in under the Santa Monica Pier, spotting his best friend a few feet from the edge of the water, knees curled to his chest and head down. He knew he would be here; This is where Alex would always come when things got bad. He liked to sit under the pier and listen to the people above, having fun and living their best lives. He walks up next to the drummer.
“‘Lex.”
The simple nickname makes Alex look up to Luke. His eyes are red, tears are streaming down his face, and his whole body is shaking. Luke quickly sits next to him, almost falling over as Alex throws himself at him. He recovers, wrapping his arms around the drummer.
“Hey… It’s gonna be alright…” Luke says softly. Alex nods his head against the guitarist’s shoulder as he continues to mutter soothing words to him.
Alex tries to calm his breathing as Luke starts to hum a melody. Alex recognizes it, of course, as “Your Song” by Elton John. He tries to smile, remembering how Luke used to sing that song all the time…
Eventually, Alex’s breathing is back to normal and he has calmed down for the most part, so he lifts his head to look at Luke.
“Hey…” He says, breaking eye contact and looking out at the water. Luke grabs his hand and pulls it into his lap, playing with his fingers. He uses it as an anchor, to let Alex know he’s still there if he loses himself again.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
“You don’t wanna hear it…” Alex mutters, looking at his bandmate again.
“You… you saw your parents, didn’t you?” Luke asks, making Alex sigh and close his eyes.
“Yeah, man… Look, I don’t need a lecture about how I don’t need them, okay? You made your point the first time.”
“Yeah, well… I was kinda hypocritical, wasn’t I?” Alex opens his eyes and looks at Luke again. “I shouldn’t have tried to keep you and Reggie from looking for your families when I did just that… I should’ve supported you guys.”
“It’s fine.”
“You know I’m here for you, right?” Luke says, putting a hand on Alex’s shoulder.
“Always.” Alex nods.
They sit in silence for a while, and Luke starts playing with Alex’s hand again.
“Do you… do you want to talk about it?” The guitarist asks.
“I-I mean I guess so…” Alex mutters before letting out a shaky sigh. “They weren't home. I-I stood outside the front door for like ten minutes like an idiot-”
“Hey,” Luke squeezes his hand, “needing time doesn't make you an idiot.”
Alex sighs shakily, “Yeah… I know, I know. Um…”
“Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
They sit for a few seconds, Alex just looking at Luke, before he speaks again quietly.
“The house looks the same, like nothing has changed in 25 years. I mean, they have a new tv and couch, some new pictures up, but other than that…” He shakes his head, twisting his hand around in Luke’s grasp before grabbing the guitarist’s hand and pulling it into his lap to play with his fingers, “They, um… They have one picture up of me.”
“One?” Luke repeats, furrowing his eyebrows.
“Yeah, one. It’s a family photo from right before I came out to them. Honestly, I’m surprised they have that much up…” He hears Luke mutter his name, so he squeezes his hand. “It’s fine, Luke…” He says but doesn't look at him, “They have Amanda and Allison’s graduation pictures hanging up, both from high school and college. They both joined the same sorority.”
“I never saw your sisters being sorority girls,” Luke laughs, making Alex smile.
“Yeah, I can only imagine the trouble they got into,” Alex comments, “I miss them so much…”
“Of course.” Luke knows how much Alex’s sisters meant to him.
“They- My parents turned both of their rooms into storage rooms, after they moved out, I mean. Their beds are still there, though. I wish I knew where they moved to, I could go see them…” Alex stops talking when Luke doesn’t respond, looking over to see him just… staring, “Probably not a good idea, huh?”
“I… I’m not sure…” Alex nods at his answer, looking away again.
“My room was locked,” Alex tells him.
“Good thing we can walk through doors then,” Luke comments, “What was inside?”
Alex stays silent.
“Oh.”
“I figured it was locked for a reason,” Alex explains, “I-I don’t think I could handle going in there and seeing how they destroyed the place, not by myself.”
“Then I’ll come with you,” Luke gets up as he speaks, “We can go back together and I’ll go with you- that’s, only if you want to, of course.”
Alex looks up at Luke, standing in front of him now with his hands held out. They stay like that for what feels like hours to Alex, a million thoughts running through his head, but is probably only a few seconds. He sighs and nods, grabbing the guitarist’s hands and being pulled to stand.
“Okay,” Alex says, making Luke smile and squeeze the drummer’s hands, before they both poof away.
-
So Alex stands in front of his old house again. He’s not as shaky this time. At least, he hopes he isn’t, because he’s still holding Luke’s hand and he wouldn't want to aggravate him by shaking constantly.
“Hey,” He hears Luke’s voice, making him look away from the front door, “take as long as you need.” Alex squeezes his hand at that, his silent way of saying “thank you,” before looking back at the door. It takes a minute before he sighs, nods, and pulls Luke through with him.
“Woah…” Luke mutters, looking around but never letting go of Alex’s hand as the drummer leads him around. They get to the living room before Alex halts to a stop, seeing both of his parents sitting in the living room: his dad watching tv while his mom reads a book.
Luke stops looking around the house, memories of hanging around there flooding his brain, when he feels Alex halt and his hand goes tense. He turns to the drummer, hating to see the way he froze up. “Alex…” He whispers.
“I’m fine, just…” He doesn’t finish his sentence, not really knowing where to go with it. He shakes his head, squeezes Luke’s hand and pulls him forward, making a beeline for his old room. He drags Luke up the stairs, past all of the pictures that are not him, past his sisters’ empty rooms, and finally stops in front of his door, frozen. It's only a few seconds before he takes a deep breath, shuts his eyes and steps through the door, still pulling Luke with him.
He doesn't open his eyes immediately; no, he still doesn’t want to see the disaster his room has been turned into. Instead he keeps them shut, firmly believing that if he doesn’t see it, then it's not real.
“Alex…” He hears Luke say his name, somewhat in awe, before his eyes open to look at the guitarist. Instead his eye catches the room around them.
His room. His room. His bedroom, with walls decorated in band posters and pictures of him and his best friends, his tv, his stereo and cd collection, his desk with his favorite little trinkets still on it.
At some point, he lets go of Luke’s hand and slowly makes his way around his room, looking at everything there. It’s like he hadn’t left, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Until he gets to his closet, the door closed. So, he uses all of his energy to open it. The few clothes he had left at the house when his parents kicked him out are gone, replaced with pictures, amongst other things.
Pictures, trinkets, unlit candles, real and plastic flowers fill the space his clothes once were. There are string lights hung around to decorate and tea lights on a small table put in the closet. The inside of the door is covered with stickers and pictures as well, ranging from when he was a baby to just before he died. There are notes on the table and hung around the pictures as well: he recognizes some of the handwriting, but not all of it.
It’s the rainbow flags, plushies and stickers that make him gasp and stumble back before hitting his bed and slumping down onto it.
“Alex!” Luke exclaims from across the room, where he was looking at a few pictures of the band hung on Alex’s wall. He rushes over, quickly looking at the drummer, whose gaze is still stuck on his closet, before following where his eyes are looking, “Woah…” He says breathlessly, sitting down on the bed next to Alex.
“I…this-this-” Luke can sense Alex’s distress and grabs his hand again, easing it a small amount.
“Are you… happy about this?”
“No… Yes… I don’t- I don’t know…” Alex feels like he’s going to cry, but no. He refuses to, not over them.
“It's okay, man. To not know how to feel about this, I mean,” Luke says, “I wouldn’t, and I’m pretty sure Reggie wouldn’t either.”
“I just- Why couldn’t they have done this for me when we were alive? I needed this then, I needed their support and I needed them to love me! I needed my family to love me!” Alex is breathing more quickly than before as he rants.
“Hey,” Luke says softly, getting the drummer to look at him, “We were your family too; We always will be your family, and we’ve always loved you.”
“I know!” Alex sighs, running a hand through his hair, “I know, Luke. But this is-”
“It’s different, I understand. Still, we’re always here for you.”
Alex nods at that, looking around his room one last time before sighing again, “let’s get out of here.”
Luke nods as well, and they poof out, away from the Mercer residence and back to the empty studio, sitting on Luke’s couch. They sit for a moment before Luke stands.
“I'm gonna go get Julie and Reggie, okay? Or do you want to be alone for a while?”
“No, ah, nah, it’s fine. Go get them,” Alex answers him, but stops him just as he walks through the garage doors to go to the house, “Luke?”
His name being called makes the guitarist turn back and stick his upper body back through the door, “yeah?”
“Thank you. For coming with me today.”
For everything, Alex means, for being my friend, my family, for supporting me, for loving me, but he doesn't say.
“Of course,” Luke smiles, “you know, me, Reggie, Julie, Willie… we’d do anything for you…” his smile turns to a smirk,”...Hot Dog.”
With a wink, Luke poofs away, leaving Alex rolling his eyes yet smiling with a slight blush on his face in the studio.