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The slate gray sky, amber sunlight casted like a long, bending shadow across the room. They’re the first things I observe when I wake up. The loft is empty. Everyone’s gone now. Everyone except for Jihyo. I take a few seconds to recollect what we were doing before I lost consciousness.
Nayeon and Jeongyeon had been glaring at each other throughout the entire movie. At one point, Mina and Chaeyoung left to go to the bathroom together and didn’t come back. Sana was losing her mind over something Momo was showing her on her phone, both of them too preoccupied to pay attention. It was just us three: Tzuyu, Jihyo, and I struggling to enjoy the uncontroversial Studio Ghibli movie that was chosen as a compromise between Nayeon and Jeongyeon’s “suggestions” (more like demands) for what to watch first on movie night.
Separated by the stage curtain of my eyelids, a blink for me, was an afternoon promising fun to come and this empty evening. Someone had turned on the floor lamp in the corner of the room, forcing me to realize just how much time had passed. I must’ve been asleep for at least two more movies, if they even watched any more without me. It’s been so long since I’d been able to see the girls. Some friend I must be to doze off. They must’ve figured I didn’t care enough to stay awake and left.
“It’s not your fault, Dahyun-ah.” Jihyo says over me, patting my side. I can’t — more like I don’t dare to — see what kind of expression she treats me with. But all the same, I hear the warm, consoling smile in her voice, and I know it’s the one I least want to see. With all my willpower, I lift my wearisome head from her lap, pick up the throw pillow beside me, and hug it. I bring my knees up onto the couch and look down. “No one is able to have fun, anyway.” Jihyo continues. “Everyone’s afraid.”
Afraid? Afraid of what?
Jihyo declines to explain and leans her head against my shoulder.
It feels like the air in my lungs is escaping through my chest. I inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth to calm myself. My heart is beating so fast as if it were trying to expend all the energy I didn’t use while napping. What if they all hate me now?
Jihyo grabs my hand. “Everyone’s afraid because the future seems so uncertain. They’re afraid because all their ideas about the future have become flimsy when they used to be like steel. If we’ll stay friends, then this is just another party; there’ll be plenty more just like this one — even better than this one — in the future. Just keep pretending like everything is normal until it really becomes normal again. But what if it doesn’t go back to normal? That prospect, however likely or unlikely in comparison to the alternative, is competing for predominance. If we can’t see each other anymore, then we ought to make this party the best one yet! There’s a lot of pressure there, though, to be the last…”
…and sometimes that pressure is enough to overwhelm a person. Namely, me. It wouldn’t surprise me if Jihyo already managed to find my hidden party preparations while I was asleep. The grocery bags downstairs took up too much space in the kitchen to not be conspicuous and my parents helped me rearrange the house decor to make space for all the games. I meant to make it a night to remember and, while it isn’t quite yet night, it’d already ended.
Why did everyone leave?
“Nayeon got mad and walked out when I suggested we watch Jeongyeon’s movie next. And then Jeongyeon left soon afterwards. When Mina and Chaeyoung came back from whatever they were doing, Sana and Momo had already excused themselves and went back to their dorm together. Tzuyu wanted to stay with me and wait for you to wake up, but I told her that she didn’t have to if her parents were worried for her. She went back about half an hour ago.”
I sighed. I furrowed my brows and thought I might cry, but I was too tired even for that. What’s wrong with me? I can’t blame those two for ruining my plans and putting everyone in a bad mood. After all, I fell asleep before I could tell them what I was planning. They probably thought we were just going to watch a bunch of movies until we got bored. Of course they’d find it boring.
“Don’t beat yourself up about it. You were only asleep for 5 minutes before the movie ended and Nayeon stormed out. No one wanted to wake you up, but, after her and Jeongyeon left, there wasn’t really anything you could have done even if you were awake. Those two have been acting like jerks all day, but they don’t deserve to be left out of what could’ve been our last party.”
Even if those two were the first to leave, I couldn’t blame them for the entire thing. Even with seven or five or three or only two of us, we’re still together. Even if not as an entire group, at least we’re not alone. I turn to Jihyo and meet her gaze head-on. She’s smiling, has been smiling like she’s known all along what I don’t. “I envy them.”
Jihyo cocked an eyebrow at that. “What about them do you envy?”
“Because I know how I feel. Because someone wishes they were with them. As for me, no one—”
My sentence was cut off when Jihyo covered my mouth with her hand. The glare she gave me was hard enough to cut diamonds. I thought I might melt under that gaze. “Am I nothing that you’re able to say that in front of me?”
After struggling a bit and tapping her on the arm, Jihyo let go of my lower face. I gasped for air. “That’s all I want." I nuzzled into her neck. "All I want is someone to get mad at me when I don’t feel good enough.”