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The first thing that enters Yoongi's unconscious mind is the light pitter-patter of raindrops on the window across from his bed. His head feels fuzzy, body sore, but he's warm, bundled up under the covers to ward off the chill of his room. He lies there for an indeterminable amount of time then sighs, forcing himself to open one eye. A gloomy, grey day awaits him. It almost looks like it could be dusk, but the clock to his left insists that it's 6:30 AM. He wants nothing more than to curl up around Jeongguk someone and fall back asleep, but his traitorous body insists that he's awake.
"Too early," he grumbles and rolls onto his side, grabbing his phone to see what he's missed in his slumber. Three messages from Jimin, which are just pictures of him falling asleep on the couch last night plus one where Jimin is sticking his tongue out to almost touch Yoongi's forehead. He grunts and flips to the next string of messages - forty-two to be exact - in the group chat. After he went to sleep, apparently Seokjin and Jeongguk started a popcorn war in the living room while watching Hereditary. Seokjin says that Jeongguk screamed at a particularly terrifying scene, flailed, and dumped the entire popcorn bowl on his head. How that's possible, Yoongi doesn't know, but it sounds like something Jeongguk would do.
Then madness ensued and Yoongi wishes he had been awake to see it. Jeongguk gets scared so easily. He will hide behind any of them to protect himself. It should be annoying, but they're his hyungs and they want to protect him, so they do. From anything. The dichotomy that Jeongguk will carelessly fling himself off a building to bungee jump into the unknown or dance and sing in front of tens of thousands of people but he gets so scared from a movie that he flings popcorn everywhere is amusing.
Yoongi remembers going to see It with everyone a couple of years ago. They have to plan carefully when they go in public unannounced, masks and hats, security detail not too far behind them, but not close enough to be noticed. When they do manage to find time to go to the movie theater, they go in the daytime and buy out the theater to not arouse any suspicion. The time of day doesn't matter to them as long as they get to have the full, cinematic experience. Taehyung insisted on seeing It in theaters after the trailer dropped, so they did one brisk, fall afternoon.
They lifted all the armrests so that they could fold into one another, holding hands, limbs settling on each other's laps. Sometimes Yoongi forgets. When they get to just be with each other and do silly things like this, he forgets that they're famous. It's nice to just be them - seven brothers, friends, soulmates. They're the best part of his short, chaotic life.
Somehow Namjoon fell asleep on Hoseok's shoulder halfway through the movie. They'd all been pushed past the brink of exhaustion recently. The schedule for this comeback had been grueling - photoshoots, filming, finishing touches on the new album plus Namjoon was working on his newest mixtape. So it wasn't surprising when in a tense, quiet scene they heard a snore rip through the silence. Taehyung broke first, cackling wildly and throwing a handful of popcorn at Namjoon, but he hit Hoseok instead of their sleeping leader and Hoseok shrieked. Namjoon was too exhausted to wake up, so they finished shoving and throwing popcorn and got back to the movie.
But that wasn't the best part of the day.
Yoongi sat next to Jimin, expecting to be the end of the row, but Jeongguk, who had already settled down in a seat on the opposite side of the row, came back from the restroom and caught Yoongi's eye. He picked up his water bottle from his seat and walked around to settle beside Yoongi. Jimin only glanced over once with a light smirk and shimmer in his eyes. Yoongi elbowed him in the side and made Jimin sputter. He didn't know why he got so defensive back then - it's not like he could help it. Jeongguk liked to have Yoongi beside him when they watched movies, especially scary ones. Really, that's it. Shyly, Jeongguk poked at Yoongi's elbow so that he would move and allow the armrest to be lifted. He scooted over so that they touched from their shoulders to their feet, relishing the lack of space between them. Then Jeongguk laid his head on Yoongi's shoulder and sighed, fidgeting his hands in his lap until Yoongi rested his right hand on top of Jeongguk's. He went rigid for a split second then Yoongi felt all the tension leave his body with one soft, happy exhale. And Yoongi...he felt a slow-spreading warmth radiating from his chest to every corner of his body.
Yoongi blinks back to reality, still holding his phone in his hand, a light rain still falling outside. He hears someone trying to be quiet in the kitchen, shuffling feet, quiet curses. Now is as good as any time to get out of bed, he thinks blearily, so he throws the blankets off, slips on his house shoes, and stretches his arms up as high as his shoulder will allow. Any type of weather other than warm makes his shoulder ache fiercely, but rain was the worst. It makes performing a chore sometimes because he can't think past the pain though he tries.
He sighs, climbing out of his warm nest, and pads down the hallway to the living area and kitchen to find Jeongguk standing with his back to Yoongi, head resting on the cabinet beside the stove - seemingly asleep. His dark, wavy hair is a mess of tangles. He's wearing a ratty, grey t-shirt with an unintelligible white font on it that's at least five sizes too large for his small frame and sweatpants. The kettle is on the stove, steam rising from the spout, a Disneyland mug on the counter, and Jeongguk is holding what looks like an open package of hot chocolate in his right hand.
"Jeongguk-ah," Yoongi sighs, standing at the entrance of the kitchen, which startles Jeongguk, who's hands flail. Hot chocolate powder dusts the kitchen countertops, floor, and even himself. He bangs his head into the cabinet it was resting on and mutters, "Ouch, fuck," turning around with those big doe eyes trained on Yoongi. He's rubbing at his forehead with a dusting of pink covering his cheeks, specks of chocolate powder on his face and shirt.
“Hi, Yoongi-hyung,” Jeongguk groans, rubbing his forehead. Then they both burst into laughter, not even trying to be quiet even though it’s so early. Yoongi falls onto a barstool at the island and Jeongguk’s hands clamp around his mouth, trying to hold in the giggles, eyes wild and glassy.
Jeongguk looks incredibly beautiful first thing in the morning, Yoongi thinks, longing to reach out and touch when he knows he shouldn’t after what happened. His eyes are always a little puffy and he moves slowly with jerky movements - all that dance training out the window. He shuffles over to Yoongi and slots himself between Yoongi’s legs, leans in and wraps around him, resting his head in the crook of Yoongi’s neck and inhaling deeply. He has always been extra sensitive to smells and when they’d asked him in the past why he sniffs them so much, he just smiled sheepishly and said that it was grounding and they smell like home.
Home ( noun)
- the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.
When Yoongi thinks about where he feels at home, it’s the same.
They stay like that for what feels like hours or even days...he’s not really sure. Yoongi traces up Jeongguk’s vertebrae one by one and back down again, feeling him relax further into his arms. Then moves to rub soothing circles on Jeongguk’s hips bones, relishing in the way he shivers and stutters into Yoongi’s ears. He grins and idly wonders if he’s the only one that can make Jeongguk shiver.
Yoongi feels content right here, right now. There’s no lingering ache in his bones. No desire to move from this spot. No wanting. Only Jeongguk. Just Jeongguk . He nuzzles in closer, closing his eyes and basking in this closeness, gripping Jeongguk even tighter if that was possible when he hears the sound of approaching footsteps. He opens one eye to glare at whoever is coming and sees a disheveled and mostly asleep Jimin, but when Jimin finally lays eyes on them, he blinks, cartoon-like, and starts walking backward to his and Taehyung’s room without a single word. Yoongi hears the click of the bedroom door and lets out a breath that he didn’t realize he was holding.
As Jeongguk snuffles in his neck, he realizes that Jeongguk is going to - if he hasn’t already - fall asleep standing up. Maybe he’s not the only one who’s been struggling lately. He attempts to pull Jeongguk from him to move them to the bedroom, but he just latches on even tighter than before, letting a small grumble escape.
“Ba-Jeongguk,” he starts, cursing himself internally for the slip. “You’re falling asleep standing up. Let’s get you back to bed.”
Jeongguk tenses and squeezes around Yoongi tighter, whispering unsure, but hopeful, “Your bed?”
Yoongi’s heart stutters once in his chest - a striking reminder that this is real - and he nods against Jeonguuk’s head, as all the tension bleeds out of Jeongguk’s body and he hums contentedly in Yoongi’s ear. They don’t truly let go of one another - not that Yoongi wants that. They simply shift so that Yoongi can walk them back to their his room at the end of the hall. When he started thinking of it as their room, he’s not quite sure. Jeongguk spends more time there than in his, so he supposes it was only natural, but it was more than that.
He’s reminded of the time that they all drank too much soju and wine one day last spring. They were celebrating the completion of a song that he and Namjoon had been working on for what felt like weeks. It was about longing, but they couldn’t quite get it where they wanted it to go, like the song was stubborn and didn’t want to be written. They worked, re-worked, totally scrapped, and started over again until the lyrics and harmonies flowed together like they were meant to be. It pains him to think about that song and that insufferable time because he knew who he was writing about - he just couldn’t admit it to himself. But Namjoon knows Yoongi almost better than he knows himself, in a way that he thought no one else possibly could, so he knew that he needed to be patient and let the song happen when it wanted to happen, letting Yoongi work through his feelings on his own with the steady support of his best friend.
Jeongguk is the only person who knows Yoongi better than Namjoon and he loves that about him, but it wasn’t always like this. They weren’t always this close, in each other’s pockets, knowing what the other needs without words. At first Jeongguk was painfully shy, awkward, and eager to please - still is eager to please. He was so young, but he kept his head down, worked his ass off, and bloomed. He immediately took to Seokjin, who promised his parents that he would take care of their son. Their relationship was special. They understood each other on a molecular level, like flesh and blood family. And, of course, he idolised Namjoon - his RapMonie-hyung. But then, who didn’t idolise Kim Namjoon just a bit? So it took some time, but Jeongguk slowly came out of his shell, overcoming some of the anxiety he felt around them, opening up to each of them individually in his own time.
Yoongi didn’t notice the gentle shift in their relationship at first or even for years, but it happened in a way that was natural. They started gravitating toward one another slowly, finding solace in each other’s presence, comfort in each other’s arms. In the roar of the crowd at a sold out stadium, a soft smile or graze of their hands was enough to both take his breath away and calm his anxious mind. In the beginning, the physical affection startled Yoongi because they all knew that he wasn’t the biggest fan of it, but he did like holding hands, so that’s where it started for them. Jeongguk would wiggle his way to standing next to Yoongi for photoshoots or on red carpets and slip his hand behind Yoongi’s back for him to hold or if they couldn’t be physically affectionate because someone would start commenting, they’d just bump shoulders and look into each other’s eyes knowingly.
Jeongguk’s radiant smile when Yoongi reached for his hand first or pulled him down next to him took his breath away. It still does and he’s not sure that it will ever stop, so when they fought recently, it hurt in a way that Yoongi had never experienced before. He hasn’t seen Jeongguk in days. It feels like missing a phantom limb, knowing he should be here by his side and wasn’t or couldn’t. Yoongi doesn’t know which is the case, but right now he doesn’t care because he’s taking Jeongguk to their bed, arms wrapped around him tightly.
They shuffle into the bedroom and Jeongguk flops down on the bed making grabby hands at Yoongi, who is pulling away, motioning to the open door. Jeongguk sighs, toes off his slippers, and, hesitating for a second, pulls his sweatpants off before sliding under the grey, down comforter and curling up on his side. If Yoongi notices the way that Jeongguk melts into the bed while inhaling deeply, a dreamy smile on his face, he makes no comment on it, and he definitely does notice.
Yoongi pads over to their bed and slides in, mattress dipping with his weight, and pulls the covers up around them both, making sure that Jeongguk has enough blankets. He realizes that they’re too far apart, the distance feels stifling in such a small space. That’s his fault, he knows, so he reaches out and pulls Jeongguk half on top of him, his head resting on Yoongi’s chest, arm splayed on his stomach. Jeongguk makes a happy snuffling sound into Yoongi’s sternum, sighs, and they both drift to sleep in minutes, the quiet sound of their breathing and the thrumming of rain the only sounds in the house.
When Yoongi wakes up for the second time that morning, he’s well-rested, content, and so warm. He feels Jeongguk’s fingers carding through his messy black hair and wants nothing more than to lie here forever, but he knows he can’t without talking with Jeongguk. His eyes flutter open to see Jeongguk, gorgeous from this angle. His oversized tee shirt has slipped off his shoulder where he’s leaning on his elbow, exposing his collarbone. His eyes trail up Jeongguk’s neck to his sharp jawline, then soft, pink lips, slightly parted in concentration. Jeongguk must know that he’s awake. Maybe he’s waiting on Yoongi to break the silence, so he finally looks up to Jeongguk’s eyes. He could stare at Jeongguk for hours or days without a second thought. He’s beautiful. Yoongi just hopes that he will still let him and that thought sends a ripple of anxiety through his chest.
“Hi,” Jeongguk whispers, a little stilted and shy. They haven’t talked about the fight and Yoongi supposes they need to do so now. He sighs, letting his eyes close for a second to gather his thoughts, while reaching to still Joeongguk’s hand in his hair even though he loves this form of affection from his...friend? Is that what they are? Yoongi intertwines their fingers, resting them on his stomach. He hopes that they can at the very least be friends after this.
“I’m sorry,” Yoongi breathes out, looking directly into Jeongguk’s eyes. He needs to say it first - needs to apologize and make things right. He can’t stand this distance between them - it feels like they’re oceans away in the house that they both call home. He honestly didn’t know that this would be what broke them and hates fighting with Jeongguk more than anyone.
---
When he talked with the group about moving out, he didn’t know what to expect. Sadness? Anger? Confusion? He was anxious about it, so he talked to Namjoon, his leader and best friend, first. They have been together longer than anyone, ten long years. Sure they fought in the beginning, but they were just trying to figure each other out. Once they did, they made an incredible team. He told Namjoon that he wanted to keep his room and some things at their house, but he also needed some space to call his own. It was time. He found an apartment only a few minutes drive away from their house and decided that it was the right time to them.
Honestly, it went much better than the blow up that he spun up in his mind for days, stressing over how to tell them. They all understood because they’re his brothers and they know him implicitly. Hoseok was taken back the most. Afterall, he was the third who joined the band shortly after himself all those years ago. But after they talked about everything and got all their questions out of the way, Hoseok squeezed the shit out of him and made him promise to show him his new place immediately. That broke what little discord there was and they all laughed, falling on the floor of the living room into a pile of limbs, cuddling, tickling, and poking each other. They were happy here, whatever worries they had seemed to pass quickly.
Well, all except one.
He didn’t make the conscious decision to look at everyone but Jeongguk, but he did nevertheless. He held his breath, snuggled up between Jimin and Hoseok, and looked over to Jeongguk. He looked bittersweet and kind of withdrawn, biting on his lip with a furrow between his brows, but he allowed for himself to be pulled into the pile until he admitted that he was tired and wanted to go lie down. They nodded and let him go. What else could be done? They would all need to deal with the news in their own way.
Later that night, when Yoongi made his way to his bedroom, he was surprised to find it empty. It wasn’t like Jeongguk was his roommate per se, but he ended up in Yoongi’s bed more than in his own. Jeongguk’s clothes, notebooks, and music were scattered throughout the room. The piece he painted of Yoongi as a stick figure eating a tangerine hung proudly on the wall above his desk. A photo of Jeongguk’s family sat next to one of Holly stuck up on the floor-length mirror behind the bedroom door. It felt off not having Jeongguk here.
Worrying at his bottom lip, he pulled his phone out and texted, “you coming to bed…?” Unsure if he would get a reply, he dropped the phone on his bed and started cleaning up the notebooks and books from his bed to busy his hands and racing mind, though he could admit that he was listening intently for footsteps, and when he heard them, he had to force himself not to smile.
He turned, papers and books in hand, as he heard Jeongguk enter and close the door with a click. He was dressed in blue athletic shorts and a black sweatshirt that just about swallowed him whole and something was wrong. He looked like he’d been crying, eyes all puffy and rimmed red, and he had been chewing on his lips, a nervous habit he’d not been able to break yet. He stood ramrod straight with his back against the door, arms crossed, and he was pissed.
Yoongi faltered, pausing awkwardly at the boy. “Uh…” he trailed off, unsure what to say.
Jeongguk raised his eyebrows, incredulous, eyes on fire, and spat, “You weren’t even going to talk to me about this?”
“Gguk-ah, I -”
“No, hyung,” he said cooly, shutting Yoongi down. “Don’t just apologize to make me feel better. Just don’t. I need…” he trailed off, wringing his hands together and pacing as far away from Yoongi as is possible is the small space. “I thought I - fuck.” He stopped pacing to press his hand to his sternum and turned around to place his forehead against the back of the bedroom door, breathing deeply through his nose for five seconds, holding for ten, and letting go. Yoongi taught him this breathing technique to help with his anxiety years ago when they were first touring.
“Jeongguk-ah, can you talk to me?” Yoongi begged. “Please?”
But Jeongguk shook his head once against the door, body trembling, and sniffed quietly. Yoongi knew better than to touch Jeongguk when he was like this, but his body moved without his permission, placing his calloused hand on the back of Jeongguk’s neck, something that was once a comfort.
Jeongguk tensed for a brief second then deflated at the touch, letting out a broken sob and allowing Yoongi to turn him around and pull him tight against his chest. Yoongi held him tight, shushing him and whispering his name over and over again. He rubbed circles into his back with one hand and dragged his free hand through Jeongguk’s hair, peppering kisses over his head. When the crying seemed to mostly subside, he tugged Jeongguk over to the bed. They wrapped around each other, Jeongguk’s head resting in the crook of Yoongi’s neck.
“Ba - Jeongguk-ah, will you please tell me what’s wrong?” Yoongi asked, stroking his back.
Jeongguk shivered and gripped Yoongi even tighter. “You’re leaving,” he croaked.
Yoongi willfully ignored the “me” Jeongguk insinuated and pulled Jeongguk away just enough to take his face in his hands and force him to look in Yoongi’s eyes. He felt like he was at the edge of a rocky cliff. Will he fly? Will he fall?
“I’m keeping my bedroom here. I’ll just have another place to live as well, you know? I’m not leaving the band,” he said simply.
A fat tear rolled down his cheek - his face blotchy from crying - and Yoongi wiped it away with his fingers. “It won’t be the same.” He trained his eyes down to his hands resting in his lap so he didn’t have to look Yoongi in the eyes, like it physically hurt to do so.
Yoongi smiled sadly. “Hey, Jeongguk-ah. Of course it will,” he reassured, tilting Jeongguk’s face up to meet his eyes.
Jeongguk swallowed hard, gripped Yoongi’s wrists, and pulled his hands away from his face, ignoring the hurt in Yoongi’s eyes. “Hyung, I - “ Jeongguk started. “I’m angry with you,” he admitted, and Yoongi didn’t know what to do with that. “Why didn’t you talk to me about this? Why? Why are you leaving?” Fresh tears stained his cheeks and he swiped angrily at them. “Is it because of me?” he asked brokenly.
Angry with himself more than anything, Yoongi reached out for Jeongguk who stood up swiftly and walked backward toward the closed door. Yoongi looked down at his hands with disbelief, a storm of feelings threatening to burst through him. Jeongguk stood just out of reach, shaking with anger and absolute agony, and Yoongi is the one who did this to him. To them.
“Gguk-ah,” he started.
Jeongguk cut him off, “I can’t, Yoongi-hyung. I can’t do this. I need to go. Please - just - I need to be - leave me alone. Please.”
So he did.
He left the beautiful boy that he loves alone, and that was the worst part - he was alone too.
---
Jeongguk’s eyes widen.
“Really, Gguk-ah.” Yoongi’s eyes are trained on Jeongguk’s, pleading with him to accept his apology. “I’m so sorry I did this. I’m sorry I didn’t talk with you first. I’m just...sorry.” He hopes that it’s not too late. He should have never let this rift between them go on for so long - they live together, eat together, work together….always together. It made things awkward, putting everyone on edge, never knowing where they stood or what Yoongi was going to do about it because it was clearly his fault that everything was so fucked up. Jimin and Taehyung were blatantly ignoring him unless it was for work, picking Jeongguk’s side like they had broken up or something. Hoseok and Seokjin are staying out of it, and that surprised him. He always thought that Seokjin would take Jeongguk’s side for anything, but any time Yoongi brought it up, Seokjin sighed, putting his hands up in peace, and walked away.This week has been the longest of his life. He wasn’t sleeping well and he couldn’t seem to put anything to paper - at least anything that was worth keeping. His trash can was overflowing with crumpled sheets of paper.
He searches Jeongguk’s face for a hint of anything. Anger? Sadness? Obstinance? He just looks...bittersweet and a little confused. Yoongi braces himself, knowing what he needs to say, ask, do. It’s more terrifying than walking on stage alone, laying his soul bare, letting millions hear his voice and lyrics that speak more truth in them than he does most days.
He reaches up to cup Jeongguk’s cheek in his left hand, so gently, like Jeongguk is something fragile and priceless because that’s exactly what he is - priceless. He stills under Yoongi’s hands, sucks in a breath through his teeth.
This has been building for some time. Each second he spends with Jeongguk, he feels himself slipping deeper, pulling him under. He’s only been able to admit it to himself recently. Jeongguk’s shy, little smile when he thinks he did well, but needs reassurance. The way he loves to give piggy-back rides to everyone. His strength annoyed Yoongi at first because he felt small and useless, but Jeongguk never treats him that way. He makes Yoongi feel safe. He can tell Jeongguk anything - whisper lyrics to him in the middle of the night when neither could quite get to sleep, knowing that he’s always listening, willing to give feedback, or allowing him to vent when he’s frustrated. Jeongguk picks up on his moods - when he needs space or comfort, he always knows. If Yoongi was the moon, Jeongguk was the radiant sun, complimenting each other without knowing it. A perfect, imperfect set. He only hopes that Jeongguk feels the same way.
Yoongi’s cold hands tremble as he leans up to meet Jeongguk eye to eye. His heart feels like it may burst out of his chest any second. Can Jeongguk hear it? The way that his heart beats only for him?
Jeongguk’s eyebrows raise ever so slightly, head tilting to the side as their warm breath mingles. They’re so close that Yoongi could count each individual eyelash framing Jeongguk’s beautiful, brown eyes. The unspoken question lingers between them. Will they? Won’t they? Does Jeongguk even want this?
“Gguk-ah,” Yoongi breathes out, his cheeks flushed, heartbeat slamming against his ribcage. He takes one deep breath and asks, “Can I kiss you?”
Jeongguk blinks and sucks in a breath, brows furrowing like he isn’t sure he understands what Yoongi is asking. Then, all at once, he beams a thousand watt smile, nose crinkling up in that adorable way that makes Yoongi want to kiss it, and lets out a shy giggle. “Of course, hyung,” he replies. “I’ve only been waiting forever.”
Yoongi lets out a sharp breath and begins laughing, elated, adrenaline pumping through his veins. Nothing can compare to this feeling. Absolutely nothing. They’re laughing, curling around one another, foreheads pressed tightly together. Jeongguk hiccups and stills, and Yoongi pulls back enough to meet his eyes, asking for permission again without words. They blink at each other, smiling and basking in the mood, when Yoongi moves in and presses his chapped lips to Jeongguk’s. He’s not expecting the soft gasp that leaves Jeongguk’s lips, but then they’re moving together, Jeongguk’s arms around him. Yoongi moves closer to curl around him, electricity thrums between them, heart to heart. God, this was so long overdue. Yoongi opens his mouth, tentatively tracing his tongue against Jeongguk’s lips as Jeongguk groans against him. Before long, Yoongi is between Jeongguk’s legs, arms braced around his head, kissing him deeply, sucking his tongue. They’re both hard, straining against the thin fabric between them. Yoongi pulls back with a smack and Jeongguk whines. They’re both panting, lips swollen and cheeks flushed.
“Ba - Gguk-ah,” Yoongi sighs happily, fingers rubbing soothing circles at Jeongguk’s hips.
Jeongguk blushes. “You know you say that a lot, hyung...like maybe you want to call me something else, but stop…” he trails off. It’s not a question, but isn’t it? Baby . That’s what he wishes he could call Jeongguk. He’s never allowed himself to say it out loud until now.
He swallows. “Baby,” he breathes and Jeongguk smiles. “Do you…like that?”
Jeongguk nods fervently. “Yes, hyung. I do.”
“Okay,” Yoongi smiles. “Baby.” He leans down, taking Jeongguk’s face in his hands and presses soft kisses to each of Jeongguk’s eyes, cheeks, his forehead. Then, finally, meets his lips with a sweet kiss. “Be mine,” he whispers.
“Yes,” Jeongguk says simply.
They kiss until their lips are all tingles and Yoongi is tired of holding himself up. They wrap around each other now, sleepy, kissed out, blissed out. It’s still raining outside, dark and grey. He hears the others awake outside his room, but neither of them dare to move, basking in each other’s warmth, silly smiles on their faces. He can’t tell where he ends and Jeongguk begins, but, then again, maybe he never has. And just maybe, that’s okay.