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Language:
English
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Published:
2020-12-12
Completed:
2020-12-12
Words:
10,770
Chapters:
5/5
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1
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I'd Give You My Heart

Summary:

How can we possibly understand ourselves, our feelings? I figured I'd understand them when I became an adult. Maybe I do and just don't realize it. Maybe I'm just as clueless as I've ever been. Looking back, I try to piece together what it all meant. And still, I somehow feel like it's all a guess, like I can never understand myself, you... him. People are so complicated, so confusing. Why can't I figure this out? Why aren't you here to figure it out with me? Why is it all so hard to put into words... I miss you.

Notes:

(If you're looking for something lighthearted and uplifting, please don't go further. I don't want to say much about this piece. I wrote it a while ago but wasn't really ready to post it until now. It's a heavy emotional piece that may cause a few tears. I keep coming back to this, keep trying to polish it. But I think it just is what it is. So I'm just going to leave it here. Thank you.)

Chapter 1: Prologue

Chapter Text

Freya

 

Meeting

I remember when I first saw you, sitting on that cold, plastic chair. You looked skinny and awkward and small. You kicked your feet to the sides, colliding them when they met back at the center, small rubber soles bumping against each other in a war of dominance. Most kids would throw their feet forward, but not you. You were always different.

I wanted to talk to you, because you looked light. You weren’t panicked or scared or sad. You weren’t hiding. And you weren’t seeking. You were tiny and free and unburdened. You weren’t waiting for anything. Maybe you could be waiting for something. And maybe that something could be me.

When you’re stuck in a hospital, everyone around you is sick and tired and troubled. There’s no time for you with them and there’s no time for them with you. You’re all carrying your own illness. It’s like looking into a mirror. I didn’t really want to see my reflection. I just wanted to forget for a while.

And there you were. I think that you were probably too young to deal with the reality of what a hospital is. At five years old, I’m sure that hospital was more of a playground to you and most of the equipment and machines just looked like cool toys. I remember really wanting to play with the MRI machine the first time I saw it. But the hospital wasn’t a playground, not to me. It was my prison. Don’t get me wrong, your mom was a great nurse. I really can’t imagine life without her there. But I still felt caged. With all the rules and limits and tests to take and places to be, it was smothering.

So when I first saw you, maybe somewhere deep within me I knew. That this would be the boy who would help me live.

I’m really glad I snuck off the ward that day, even if it was only by a few feet. I’m glad that I met you and that we became friends. I’m glad that we were more than friends. I’m glad you weren’t stuck in the hospital with me. I’m sorry that you were stuck in the hospital with me. I’m glad that I loved you. I’m glad that I left you. I’m sorry that I lied so much. I should’ve been more honest. I’m glad that I had time with you. I’m sorry we didn’t have more time. I’m glad that you have more time.

And really, I mean really. I’m glad that he’s there.