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||“Thought I saw the devil this morning.
Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue
With the warning to help me see myself clearer.||
The dirt and sweat stuck to his skin. Though, at this point, Feliciano didn’t take notice to it much anymore. All of them had been through plenty enough. And for too many times. Feliciano took a moment to look about the room at the many, many faces. They were tired, desperate. He supposed that his own expression would very much appear the same if he took the time to look in the mirror. God, if he ever made it out of this place alive, he would never be the same.
None of them were ever going to be the same.
And the worst part?
In the end, there was no other way of putting it,
It was all his fault.
||“I never meant to start a fire,
I never meant to make you bleed.”||
Lying down and staring up at the ceiling from his bed in the safe room, he knew that it truly was his fault. Sure, America decided to run his mouth and make sure the entire universe knew. But it was Feliciano who told America in the first place. Of the rumors about the mansion and the mysteries that lie there…If Feliciano ever mentioned that he felt unwell, that would be an absolute understatement. His chest burned and his heart felt so very tired, he wondered if maybe soon he would just fall into cardiac arrest. The lies, the memories, the blood and death. It made him nauseous, that continual loop on repeat in his mind.
God, Feliciano wanted to die.
But at that thought, a bitter chuckle left his lips. He supposes if he dies, that defeats the purpose. To get everyone out alive, at least. Though, if Feliciano was being honest with himself, if it took his own death to ensure the lives of everyone else…then so be it. He could do this, he could fix this.
No matter the cost of himself.
||“I’ll be a better man today.
I’ll be good for all the time,
That I never could.”||
Feliciano broke his string of thought, glancing at the bed on his immediate right. A young woman rested there, her eyes closed, finally having a moment of stillness after their last run-in from that horrific monster. He had to resist the urge to reach out and touch her. Feliciano knew that she wouldn’t mind, but he really wanted her to rest. So, he kept to himself; he would never want to wake her up especially since sleep never really came easy for any of them. And even if they did happen to fall into a slumber, it was always a restless one. Yet, in this case, it seemed that his friend finally got the chance to really, truly rest. That made Feliciano happy. She deserved it. More than deserved it.
He deliberately brought his gaze back up to the ceiling, fighting his own tiredness. Feliciano found that the more he slept, the more memories he lost. He simply couldn’t afford that, especially with the vital information they held. Feliciano brought his hands to settle, clasped together atop his stomach. He began twiddling his thumbs, hoping the movement would make him stay awake. Feliciano was only lying down because Germany told him to, and God knows he was definitely not going to take no for an answer. So, here he was. Racing thoughts and all battling against a smog of fatigue.
Feliciano’s head lulled to the side, against his will.
With a sharp intake of breath, the man forced his head back to its prior position. His eyes felt so, so heavy and Feliciano felt a flash of anger course through his body. Why can’t he do something as simple as just staying awake? He knew that many of his friends; Japan, Germany, they could do it. They could stay awake, so why the hell couldn’t he? His breathing was becoming a bit uneven and shallow from the frustration that suddenly washed over his person and he knew that it must be showing on his face, something he didn’t allow much at all anymore because he had to stay strong.
Feliciano had been so consumed in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed the ruffle of sheets to his right. In fact, it wasn’t until he felt weight pressing into the mattress of his own bed that he realized what was happening. He found her sitting on the edge of his bed and Feliciano immediately sat up wiping the prior look off of his face like it was second nature. His lips curved upwards into that of a cheerful expression. The smile that usually warmed her heart so pleasantly sent a chill through her body. She watched his mouth begin to move. She knew he was going to start spilling out words, but she interrupted him before he could even begin.
“Stop.”
Her tone felt like a gunshot to Feliciano’s heart. His body broke out into a cold sweat upon realizing he had been caught in an act, that she had been awake longer than he had realized. The young woman had certainly witnessed his previous episode, and the guilt churned in his stomach. I mean, how could she not have seen it? He couldn’t tell if the guilt was due to her having seen him so embittered or if it’s because he had tried to just pretend it never happened. Probably both, Feliciano figured.
She watched the way his head dipped downward through her steely gaze. It felt so foreign to her, looking at him this way. She never wanted to. Never in her life, but then again, she also never would have thought they would find themselves in a situation such as this. Stuck in a hell house with danger at every turn. Her mind suddenly flashed back to Feliciano’s speech from earlier today. He had opened up. About everything. What he had gone through, the choices he had made…all that he had done to at least try to keep them all safe.
Truly, what a weight Feliciano held upon his shoulders.
And this was why her gaze immediately softened. Yes, she wanted him to be more honest, to stop putting up the front and to allow everyone else to step in and help with that burden he placed on his shoulders. But, she also understood. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what she would have done if the situation had found itself on her. So, she decided that she should really cut him a hell of a lot more slack than what she just gave him.
The woman took a quick scan around the room. She saw that many were wrapped up in whatever they were doing and that they paid no mind to what was happening between her and Feliciano. Though, even if they did decide to glance over, she was sure that they would understand whatever they saw and let it be, considering everything. So, with that, she brought a hand to the side of his face, allowing it to gently fall and brush against his hair. She was surprised when he didn’t lift his head. He only remained where he was, slightly hunched over, head tilted downward. The woman’s throat felt tight, her hand trembling a bit as she brought her fingers to brush his soft hair behind his ear. Though, she wasn’t sure why she did it because his hair wasn’t even long enough. Gravity was quick to command it to fall back to its previous position, cascading over his face. So instead, she settled in lightly brushing her thumb over his cheekbone.
She suddenly felt something warm against her hand…it was damp, too. She didn’t miss the droplets that began to fall, being caught by either her hand or the bunched-up bedsheets below.
A part of her felt relieved to see Feliciano crying, simply from the fact that it used to be common happenstance with him from before they found themselves in the mansion. Yet, the other part of it drowned her in so much sorrow that she could hardly breathe. In that moment, they shared such a space of weight and emotion, the woman thought that surely she could sense every part of agony he was experiencing. And she felt that if she didn’t get closer to him that she was going to be swallowed up by whatever force was threatening to break in. That she would be lost forever and God she couldn’t imagine a world without Feliciano. No, that would be no world to her at all. That would be a living hell. Maybe even more so than the place that they were in.
As if her life depended on it, she drew so incredibly close to him, nearly on his lap. There were many times that they had been embraced in hugs between one another, but both of them knew that this was an intimacy that felt so, so different. Feliciano’s heart leapt to his throat, the tears still falling as she lovingly brought the side of her face against his own. Despite the heavy atmosphere, Feliciano felt himself flush just a bit as she was practically nuzzling herself to the side of his face. He could feel the fanning of her breath, and the intimacy only made his tears fall faster as he was almost frantically searching for her hands. His friend noticed this and met him halfway. She almost jumped at the desperation in which he grasped at her hands.
This was just the comfort he needed in this moment. How did she always seem to know what he needed? He thought maybe she could read minds, but really, he knew that she couldn’t. But maybe, Feliciano would just continue thinking that way because to him, she truly was like magic. A magic that reminded him of the gentle glow of light that shone through stained-glass windows. Or maybe the warm feeling of coming home after being away for far too long. And she reminded him of lingering touches, those hugs you get from someone you loved. Or maybe…
…
Suddenly, Feliciano realized something.
He was in love with her.
God, how long had he been in love with her? Oh, it had to have been quite some time that he traced back the moments he found himself with a fluttering heart. How the hell had he been so blind…He really could be oblivious sometimes, couldn’t he? His brother told him that all the time and, in this moment, Feliciano would most certainly agree.
The woman noticed the way he suddenly tensed in her arms and she became even more worried. She pulled away from him just a bit, about to speak up and ask if he was okay, but was stopped upon the sound of his voice.
Feliciano mumbled something under his breath, his head still dipped downward.
His words were much too quiet for her to understand and she furrowed her brow a bit and asked him if he could repeat himself. He seemed to pause a bit, as if caught off guard. But finally, he brought his head up to finally meet her eyes. Their honey color was so, so sweet even in their dismal appearance.
“…I said thank you. I really needed this.”
He watched the way she smiled at him warmly, and Feliciano knew that his lie worked. He couldn’t believe he had almost let that slip. Well, technically it did, but it had been too quiet for her to hear. Feliciano figured that’s what he got for being “the boy with his heart on his sleeve.” That, once again, being of his brother’s words, not his own. But this time, he’d wait. He’d wait until they got out of this gruesome mansion. Together. Then, he would tell her the words that he really said:
“I’m so in love with you.”