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Dean stared out the window, his green eyes locked on the mountains off in the distance. He had lost track of time and geography hours ago, which was somewhat unusual for him.
He glanced over at Sam, who was bopping his head quietly to some song Dean couldn’t think of the name of.
The first thing Sammy did was call Eileen. He was right to, Dean thought. He wished he could do the same thing, but Cas wasn’t around to call. He had heard his voice when Lucifer pretended to be him, but that wasn’t the same. And honestly, that had only reinforced how fucked up this whole thing was.
Since it happened, Dean had done little other than think about it. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. They had defeated Chuck and all that shit since, but it was always there. Always in the back of his mind like a pebble in his shoe he couldn’t get out. It didn’t leave. The guilt. The confusion.
Had Cas really felt that way all along? Was Dean really so stupid as to truly not notice something like that for twelve years? Was Cas really so… selfless as to hide it all?
In hindsight, there were things he couldn’t entirely explain away.
For one, people had been mentioning for years now that Castiel was in love with Dean. He could recall jokes from Balthazar, from Crowley, from Meg, from Gabriel, from Metatron. Dean thought, truly believed, it was just mocking. Just a way to fuck with them because they were close. But then, maybe Dean was just actually as dumb as the monsters thought he was. Or at least, as emotionally constipated as they thought he was.
He thought about Purgatory. He thought about how desperate he had been to see Cas. How absolutely, completely elated he had been when he found him there, by that lake. He thought about how he had kept that trenchcoat bundled up in his boot for so long, and how he probably would’ve kept it forever had Cas not come back.
Finally, he thought about Cas’ face right before the empty took him. How he was smiling, but he looked so… different. Dean didn’t think he’d ever seen Cas’ face look like that before, and he wished he never did.
Truly happy.
The idea that Cas’ true happiness could be so intrinsically tied to Dean was overwhelming, and painful. The idea that his happiness had come not from being with Dean, but from just having Dean know he was loved was far worse. Dean hadn’t gotten the chance to say anything. His last words to his best friend felt so innocuous, so useless.
‘Don’t do this man, man.’
He didn’t get to answer. He didn’t know what he even would answer. What could he say back to that? How could he respond to such painful and vulnerable words? How could he look into his best friend’s eyes and… respond to that?
He wasn’t enough. He’d never be enough for that kind of love. He’d never had that kind of love.
From the time he was four years old, Dean’s entire life had been about saving Sam. When all else fails, save Sam. If it was Dean or Sam, he was supposed to save Sam.
Since then, Dean’s entire life had been focused on Sam. Save Sam. Protect Sam. Look after Sam. He had failed, again and again and again. He hadn’t been able to protect Sam from any of the shit he’d gone through.
Somehow what was worse was that he hadn’t been able to save Cas either. He had failed. Constantly. Intrinsically. Again and again.
“Dean?”
He was shaken from his thoughts by Sam, who had apparently been trying to get his attention.
“You okay, man?” Dean watched Sam’s profile, while he stared at the empty road ahead of them. They were en route to Sioux Falls. To see family, to check on people, and Dean knew it was what they should be doing, but his heart wasn’t entirely in it right now. His heart was still in the Bunker, curled over himself on the floor, desperately hoping Cas would somehow come back.
“Um… yeah, I’m fine.” He said, gruffly clearing his throat, never one to be able to easily discuss his feelings with anyone, somehow least of all Sam.
Sam looked like he didn’t believe Dean at all, which made sense, because Dean was lying. Dean was almost always lying when he talked about how he was. But that was the modus operandi of the Winchesters. When asked how they were, they said fine, even though they hadn’t really been fine since they were six months old and four years old respectively.
Things had gotten progressively worse, sure, but it had always been… just a matter of time. Between John and the yellow eyed demon, all the way to fighting fucking God, there had never been any peace. It was never, ever over.
Sam, too smart for his own good, took a stab at Dean’s real feelings. “You, uh, never really told me what happened with Cas.”
Dean gave him a look. “Why do you assume it’s about Cas?”
“Because it is…?”
Dean nodded slowly, because yeah, Sam was right. It was.
“He, uh…” How the fuck was Dean meant to talk about this? “He made a deal with the Empty. He made a deal to… save Jack. Back when he was still a… little sapling.” Dean tried to make jokes, but it sounded flat and strained in his voice. “The deal was… when he was finally, truly happy… It would come for him.”
Sam’s expression didn’t change much, but his brows furrowed. “Okay… so… how did he summon the Empty then?” He asked.
Sam was too smart. Smarter than Dean. He was pretty sure he’d figure it out within a minute if Dean didn’t just outright say it anyway.
“He…” Dean’s voice cracked and he cleared it roughly, “He told me he loved me.”
Sam looked momentarily confused, “I mean, it’s not like that was new information, he’s been part of the family for years and--”
Dean just gave him a look.
“Oh!” He paused, “Oh.”
Dean didn’t say anymore, but he wondered if Sam was surprised or not. He had been surprised to hear that was what Cas said, absolutely, but he didn’t seem… overwhelmingly surprised about the fact that it had been true.
“Well… I mean, I can’t say I’m… shocked.”
Dean just stared at him, not speaking. Sam went on. “He’s always preferred you. He’s always… come back to you. No matter what else happened, he always came back to you…” He paused, talking more to himself than to Dean, “You two do have a more profound bond. Even when he went a little out of his mind and was in that hospital, he was still obsessed with whether or not you would forgive him, hurt because you called him a Baby In a Trenchcoat.” Actually, Dean had pretty much forgotten about that, but it almost made him want to smile. When Cas had given them the game ‘Sorry’. “I mean, he broke the connection to heaven and the brainwashing because he didn’t want to kill you.” Sam was reasoning out. “It… makes sense. I didn’t… think it was true, but I guess part of me always suspected that…”
“Oh, for fuck sake.” Dean muttered, shaking his head, “Did everyone know except me? Did I just fucking damn our best friend by being unobservant? Because that seems like bullshit?”
“You’re not unobservant, Dean, you’re self-loathing.” Dean let out a sigh, but Sam didn’t stop talking, “You knew he loved you. Obviously you knew. You knew because he went through hell, literally, multiple times for you. What you didn’t know is what that love meant to him. And you didn’t know because you’re stupid, you didn’t know because you can’t imagine someone loving you like that.”
“Stop--” Dean began, but Sam kept talking.
“People literally told you. Like, a million times. Cas may as well have said it himself more than once. He told us he was closer to you. He told us he rebelled against heaven for you. I mean, I love Cas, he’s my best friend too, but… he and I have never had the same… relationship that the two of you do. I’m sure if you reflect, you’ll be able to see it, you’re just too--”
Dean had already been reflecting. He hated that Sam was right. “Yeah, okay, fine. I know. So I damned my best friend by being an idiot, what the fuck do I do about that now?”
Sam was silent for a moment, which honestly was more terrifying than when Sam was just laying him out a second before.
“Do you love him back?”
Dean sputtered. He had known the question was coming, but he still didn’t know how to answer. Did Dean love him back?
It was like there was a mental block in his brain when he tried to think about it. Something telling him no, that he couldn’t go there, that it wouldn’t end well. Something telling him that he didn’t deserve it.
Green eyes stared ahead at the mountains and he thought of all the times Cas had just appeared in the car or by the side of the road. All the times his name had popped up on Dean’s phone. All the times they’d sat together in the bunker to drink beer or watch movies. Dean thought about how, if he was being really honest, he was happiest when Cas was there.
‘Cursed or not, I’d still rather have you.’
That had always been the truth. At least since Purgatory, maybe way before, Dean had consciously known that his life didn’t feel complete with Cas in it. Cas was maybe the first person in Dean’s life who had acted like Dean was more important to him than Sam. Mostly people seemed to prefer Sam, and that was fine, because Dean preferred Sam too, but he hadn’t known how alone he really felt in that until there was Cas.
“I…”
“Okay, so you do then.” Sam filled in, as though it was obvious.
“How did you--”
“Because you do. Stop being an idiot.” Sam said flatly. “So what now? How do we get him back?”
Dean’s thoughts seemed to clog suddenly, the reality that Sam was willing to take on the empty with him to get Cas back was logical, Sam had always been willing to go to war with and for him, but still, he felt a rush of gratitude.
“I love you, bitch.” He said the words quietly and Sam looked like someone had punched him in the face.
“What? Since when do you say stuff like that?”
“Since God is gone and we’re free and I’m sick of pretending not to have feelings when having feelings is what made us not… Chuck’s little experiments.” He didn’t think his explanation made much sense, but Sam didn’t question it.
“Love you too, Jerk.” Sam said back, a fond smile on his face.
“I think we only really have one option,” Dean said finally. Eyes flicking up to the road in front of them again. “We need to talk to Jack.”
Sam nodded, “I guess we’re just supposed to… pray…?” He said quietly, and they both seemed as unsure of that plan as each other.
Dean nodded slowly, closing his eyes and focusing on Jack. On asking for help, on Cas, on wanting to see his son. He tried to keep his thoughts focused, but they kept going back to that day. To the look on Castiel’s face. To how much it broke his heart.
A moment later, Sam and Dean were standing in heaven. He hated being there, he’d been there before and it always made him uncomfortable. Not to mention being popped places always made him feel sick to the stomach. Sam looked confused, and unstable on his feet, but Dean was just looking at Jack.
He looked fundamentally the same, the same white shirt and yellow jacket, jeans. He looked like their Jack. Their kid. He smiled, and held up a hand.
“Hello.” He told them, and Dean was filled with a sense of love and nostalgia. He had raised this kid, this boy who had become God. If Sam hadn’t saved him, they’d still be under Chuck’s thumb.
If Cas hadn’t saved him, they’d still be under Chuck’s thumb.
“Hey Jack,” Sam breathed out, a smile on his face. “Thanks for, uh… bringing us here.”
The white and grey room always made Dean uncomfortable. It didn’t remind him of anything good. It reminded him of all the angels he’d hated, most specifically, Naomi. It reminded him of when Cas had housed Lucifer. He tried to remind himself that this was Jack’s home now.
That Jack would make it better.
“Of course. Are you okay?” Jack asked, looking between their faces. He reminded Dean of Cas in a lot of ways. The stilted, optimistic way he talked reminded Dean of back before Cas had become really human. It reminded him of the start of their friendship, and how he had tried to do the right thing, to teach Cas how to be human.
He recalled how much he had liked Cas back then. How it had felt to have someone around him that seemed to really like him. As a person.
He recalled how he’d thought, at the time, that Cas was just his best friend. How long it had taken him to understand the subtext of the relationship. The feelings he had been trying to hide. Even from himself.
“We want Cas back.” It was Sam who said it, and Dean was glad. He wasn’t sure he could get the words right.
Jack frowned, “Sam, Dean, I told you, I wasn’t going to be doing what Chuck did--”
“But Cas shouldn’t even be in the empty. He made that deal to protect you. He only wound up there because of Chuck getting involved. Because of Chuck trying to get rid of you because you were a threat. It wasn’t the natural order, it was--”
“Nothing about any of you guys is natural order.” Jack said, brows raised at the two men in front of him.
“Exactly. And you let us live. You brought Eileen and Charlie and Bobby back. Why not Cas? He--He raised you and--” Dean finally spoke, his own voice sounding more vulnerable than he would care to admit or acknowledge. It didn’t matter. He was sure it was audible in his tone. He was sure Jack would notice it as easily as Sam had, judging by the way Sam glanced at him.
“I don’t know if it’s even possible--” Jack began.
“Chuck brought Lucifer back. He pulled him out of the empty to get rid of Chuck, you saw it--”
“And Chuck shouldn’t have done that. It upset the cosmic balance and--”
“You’re God now, Jack. If you want him back, if anyone can do it, it’s you. You could put the Empty back to sleep, you could--”
“Dean, I… understand your desire to get Cas back. Believe me, I want him back too, but…”
“But what?” Sam asked, and Dean only barely noticed the tear that had escaped his right eye.
“I’m just not sure it’s the right thing to do.”
Dean understood. Jack was trying to fix Chuck’s mistakes. He was trying to do the right thing. He was trying to be what the world needed. But what the world needed was Cas. The world wasn’t right without him in it.
“Jack,” It was Dean who spoke now. He had no great arguments, no Cosmic solutions, no nothing. All he managed was: “If you don’t bring him back, we’re just going to spend however long it takes finding a way to get him ourselves. We’re not going to abandon him. Just like he wouldn’t abandon us. Or you.” And then, after a pause, “Please, Jack.”
Jack let out a sigh, but his expression barely changed. “I’ll… see what I can do.”
He clicked, and Sam and Dean were back in the car, Sam’s hand on the wheel, his eyes fixed ahead on the road.
Dean let out a sharp breath. God, he absolutely hated that.
“I think that’s all we can do, man. At least for the moment,” Sam said quietly, and Dean could hear the sympathy in his voice. He hated it.
“I know.” Dean said slowly. “What now?”
“We go to Sioux Falls. We have Christmas dinner with Jody and the girls like we promised. We hope to… well, Jack that the rest of the family turns up too. And… if after New Years Cas isn’t back… then we’ll start researching how to take down the empty.”
They were finally free and Dean was going to drag them back into this all. He couldn’t help it. He couldn’t let Cas go like this. He wasn’t free unless Cas was too.
Dean nodded his head and they went on driving.
It would be hours still before they got to Sioux Falls and Dean felt restless and annoyed. Sam had offered to drive the whole way and while Dean didn’t usually like others driving his car, he didn’t want to drive himself. Not right now. It was all he could do not to check the backseat every few minutes to see if Cas was behind him.
This would never be over until Cas was home. Dean would never let it go. He would never stop waiting for his angel to return, far too far into his personal space usually.
“Maybe you should nap, Dean.” Sam suggested kindly.
How had Dean gotten here? To this point of absolute vulnerability? There were twelve whole years he could’ve been with Cas. Twelve whole years he wasted treating him as a best friend and nothing more. Twelve whole years he put Sam and saving the world ahead of himself and his own happiness, again and again and again. Twelve whole years of listening to people tell him that Cas loved him and ignoring it. How had he ignored it?
‘You’re not unobservant, Dean, you’re self-loathing.’
Sam was right. It wasn’t that Dean couldn’t see it. It was that he chose not to. He couldn’t fathom the concept of being loved that way. He had been loved before. By his family, by Lisa. But not like this.
The self-hating angel of Thursday with a crack in his chassis.
Was Dean the crack?
Cas had put him first. Again and again and again. Above Heaven. Above all of it. Dean never deserved it. Dean had felt frustrated, because he had felt he couldn’t possibly deserve it.
At some point, Dean actually did fall asleep, because he found himself back in those early days. He must’ve been about thirty. He still looked like a young man, not as world-worn and weary. None of the same look of being killed and brought back a thousand times over, though he already had.
Cas was a young man too in some ways. Hopeful, faithful, still not understanding what it meant to be human. The feelings. The grief. The pain.
In his dream, nothing dramatic happened. No death, no God, no reapers or Leviathan. It was just Cas and Dean, sitting on a motel bed together watching movies. It was just Dean and Cas, and at some point, Dean’s hand found its way to Cas’, and they sat in silence, hand in hand, watching some movie Dean had forced Cas to watch. In his dream, there was no heaven or hell, no pain, no Empty. It was just them.
And Dean was happier there than he had been in the last ten years of his life.
When he jolted awake, his instinct, his first instinct, was to check the backseat. Empty. Totally empty.
He took a sharp breath. He felt like he’d awoken from a nightmare, except the nightmare was in the waking. The dream was the happier place. A place where he had it to do over. Where he didn’t let Cas spend twelve years suffering for Dean and believing Dean would never feel the same way.
‘The one thing I truly want is something I know I can’t have’.
Cas truly believed Dean could never feel the same. That he could never have him.
Dean found himself thinking about the shorter, blue eyed angel. He found himself thinking about the way Cas’ head dipped to the side when he was confused. He found himself thinking about his laugh and how it sounded. He found himself thinking about the many, many moments the two of them had had together. Moments where they’d fought. Moments where they had both been wrong. Mistakes. So many mistakes.
When Cas had walked out because Dean hadn’t been speaking to him. Dean had felt like he’d been dumped. He hadn’t been able to place why. He had felt heartbroken.
But Dean had always been so bad with his feelings. He hadn’t understood why he had been so angry at Cas at all. He hadn’t understood why he had missed him so much once he was gone.
Dean had made his share of mistakes. He knew how Michael had told Cas that he tolerated him because Cas gripped him tight and raised him from perdition.
It hadn’t been true then. It hadn’t been true since the first time they had gotten to know each other. Dean didn’t tolerate Cas. Dean needed Cas.
He thought about when Cas had been manipulated by heaven to kill him. How his entire body had been in pain, how Cas had absolutely beat the shit out of him. How he had been sure he was going to die. How that last moment of begging, of telling Cas he needed him had been a hail mary. How it had worked. How he had flinched away when Cas had reached out to him, afraid of more violence.
He thought about how Cas was able to break heaven for him, and how Dean would have done the same for him a thousand times over.
All the shit Cas had fought through for Dean, and Dean hadn’t even said it back. If he didn’t hate himself before, he certainly did now.
Almost like he had a radar for such a feeling, Sam glanced over at him. “It’s not your fault.” He said quietly.
Dean frowned, “How do you do that?”
“What? Know you? It’s almost like I’ve spent the last lifetime spending twenty four hours a day with you.” Sam snarked, letting out a snort of laughter.
“You didn’t hear it, man. He had this whole… speech about how I’m better than I think I am and how I’m not a monster… and I just… I just stood there. It was like my brain just… failed.”
Sam gave him a little smile, “It’s fine, Dean. You’ve always had one lone marble rolling around in your head trying to make sense of your feelings. That one marble just rolled away when someone said they loved you. Your marble has always rolled away when anyone showed you love.”
Dean stared at him, dumbfounded. “My lone marble? I thought you said I wasn’t stupid?”
“You’re not stupid. You’re emotionally stupid. Your one marble has been carrying the ship for so many years on its own.”
“I’m… I think I’m offended.” Dean said, blinking at Sam in surprise.
“I mean, it’s okay. I’m sure your marble will tell you in five to seven business days whether you’re offended.” Sam joked further and Dean actually managed a laugh.
“You’re right. My marble absolutely rolled away when Cas said... My marble doesn’t…” He trailed off, a frown pinching his nose and eyebrows.
“Your marble doesn’t accept love.” He paused for a second, and after a moment, added, “That’s Dad’s fault.”
Dean wanted to argue, but he couldn’t. He’d long since stopped the hero worship of his Dad. Dean refused to be a good soldier anymore. Daddy’s blunt instrument. He refused. He wasn’t anyone’s soldier. He was just a man. He should be allowed to have love as any other man did.
“What about your brain? Do you only have one marble?”
“No.” Sam shrugged, “I have like, five marbles. But I wasn’t built to be Dad’s soldier. I was built to be like Lucifer. I was built to rebel.”
“Don’t--”
“It’s fine.” Sam said slowly, “We’re not those people anymore. But it doesn’t change the fact that we responded differently to our childhoods. You didn’t kill me like you were supposed to.” He reminded Dean softly.
“So your five marbles are accepting love from Eileen?”
A small smile took over Sam’s face and Dean couldn’t help but smile in return. Sammy deserved this. Sammy deserved every piece of love he got from Eileen or from anyone else. He deserved to be happy. He deserved to be loved. He deserved peace. If Eileen could give him that, Dean was all for it. On top of that, Dean actually genuinely liked Eileen. She was smart and kind and witty. She was perfect for his little brother.
“Yeah, guess they are.” Sam admitted and Dean threw him a grin.
“Good. She’s coming to Christmas dinner, I assume.” Dean raised his brows and Sam gave a nod.
“I think she’s already staying with Jody and Donna.” He said with a slow shrug. “But she’ll definitely be there.”
“Do we know who else is coming?” Dean asked.
Sam thought for a moment before listing off, “Well, Jody, Donna, Claire, Kaia, Alex and Patience will all be there, obviously. Eileen is coming. Charlie and Stevie. Bobby. Uh…” He thought a moment longer, but came up short. “That might be it. I might be forgetting someone…” He admitted, head tipped to the side.
“You know what this means, yeah?” Dean asked slowly.
Sam didn’t answer, just waited for Dean to elaborate.
“We’re having our first family Christmas dinner.”
Sam let out a little laugh and Dean really tried to smile back. It wouldn’t be right without Cas, and it wasn’t even technically Christmas time, but they’d never had that, and their family was finally free. Finally free of Chuck. Finally free of their pain and apocalypses and they were finally free of suffering they received by virtue of Sam and Dean caring about them. They deserved this.
No tree made of things from a service station. No cereal for Christmas dinner. No monsters coming for them. No waiting for John to come home drunk and angry.
Just them. Just Sam and Dean and their family.
Cas. It would never be complete without Cas.
Sam and Dean had both stopped to buy everyone real presents. They weren’t good at buying presents, either of them. But they tried their best. Tried to think of things everyone would like. They even wrapped them extremely poorly, which was a novelty in and of itself, since Sam and Dean had never had a life like that. They’d never woken up on a Christmas morning to half eaten cookies and presents from Santa. They’d never taken Santa photos together in a crappy mall or kissed someone they were in love with at midnight on New Years Eve.
They’d never had any of that freedom, but this time… This time, it could be different.
Dean could try to be content to see his loved ones together. To see Jody and Donna finally get their happy ending. To see Charlie with Stevie. To see Claire reunited with her first love. To see Sam and Eileen, happy and together and safe.
His own love was missing, but he could try to just be happy for those in his family that got to have that love. He could try to put their happiness first, like he’d always tried to put their happiness first.
Come New Year, he would go off on his own to try to take down the empty. He couldn’t, in good conscience, take Sam from Eileen again. They were good people, they had suffered enough. They deserved a happy ending.
It was hours before they pulled up at Jody’s home and Dean told himself he was ready to face it. That he was ready to face this family dinner, full of loving reunions and happy moments of freedom, without Cas.
He told himself he could handle it. That he and Cas had given up what they had so that this could happen, so that everyone else could be happy. He told himself Cas would want him to be happy too.
But no amount of reassuring himself would fix the chasm in Dean’s chest. The Castiel shaped hole in his heart.
They knocked on the door and Claire opened it. She practically jumped into Dean’s arms and Dean was filled with love for her. In a way, he thought of her like a daughter too. He loved her dearly. And while their relationship had always been hitting each other on the shoulder and pretending not to be sappy, he knew this was different. After everything they’d been through, this was different. The emotional vulnerability had been opened up in a way no one was prepared for.
They were free.
He made the rounds, hugging and speaking to everyone individually. Saying hello. Asking if they were okay. Making sure their loved ones had come back.
It was Jody who finally asked the question. They were alone in the kitchen and she was looking at Dean like she was trying not to scare off some kind of wild animal.
“Cas…” She began slowly. Dean frowned and she immediately spoke again, “I already know. That he’s gone, I mean. Sam told me.”
But there was still that gentle look on her face and Dean wondered exactly how much Sam had told her. “Told you what?” He asked gruffly.
“That he’s gone. I know you two were…”
“Sam told you?” Dean asked again.
“Sam didn’t have to tell me. I’ve known for a while. It was hardly subtle.” Dean just stared. “I saw the way he looked at you, Dean. I don’t know if it was even possible to miss it.” Dean felt something in his chest break further apart and he stared at the ground. “You feel the same way.” It wasn’t a question. “You’ll find a way to fix it.” She said softly, “You always do.”
Dean just nodded deftly and she squeezed his hand. “Is Jack coming tonight?” She asked.
“Don’t know.” Dean answered, letting his shoulders rise and fall in a shrug. “We invited him. First time we spoke to him after the… y’know, God thing. Like, once we had checked you guys were okay and you told us about your plan to have a family Christmas in the wrong month.”
Jody nodded, “And?”
“He didn’t say. He just kinda thanked us for the invite. That was when we asked him to bring Adam back too.”
Jody nodded and Dean went on, “He told us since Chuck had gotten rid of Adam, but not Michael, Adam should come back free. His own body, no angel. We invited Adam too. He’s still not happy with us, he has every right not to be… I don’t think he’ll come. But… y’know, I’m trying to fix things.” Dean took a sharp breath.
“Yeah, you guys fucked that one up.” Jody agreed, “But don’t forget, Dean… You’ve had the weight of the entire world on your shoulders since you were twenty-six. Since you were younger, really. You just didn’t really know it yet. You made mistakes. But hating yourself won’t fix them. The entire world owes you. The entire world is safe because of you and Sam. And Cas. A thousand times over. Hating yourself won’t change that.”
Dean just nodded, but the words didn’t really touch him. No amount of reassurances would appease his guilt, though he tried.
Hours passed and the group drank eggnog together and laughed and told stories about their ridiculous lives and the ridiculous things that had happened. Claire leaned against Kaia in her spot on the lounge. Jody and Donna held hands from their spot at the table. Bobby and Alex played some game of thumb wars, laughing and arguing playfully about which of them won. Sam and Eileen sat close together, exchanging whispered conversations about something.
This was the happiest Dean thought he’d ever been, and it still wasn’t right. There was still something missing. Someone missing. A gap in his life that could never be filled. As nice as it was to be free of Chuck, to be with his family, his family wasn’t complete without the angel. It never would be.
There was a knock at the door and Dean felt a rush of hope pull through his chest.
Jody pulled the door open and Adam walked through.
Dean tried not to let his disappointment show on his face. He did genuinely want Adam to be here. To join their family. He genuinely wanted to make things right. It was just that he was hoping for…
He got to his feet and went to greet his littlest brother. He stood a bit back, giving him a tight, nervous smile, because he didn’t know whether Adam would even want to see him.
“It’s good to see you,” Dean said softly.
Adam just nodded, his expression seeming torn. “Good to see you survived.”
Dean took a deep breath, trying to find the right words. “I know I’ve… said it before, but I’m-- I’m really sorry. I know that won’t make up for it, but… I hope, in time, maybe we can learn how to be brothers.”
Adam’s expression didn’t change, and it didn’t soften, he just stared. But after a moment, he managed a nod, and Dean took that as a glaring sign of hope he hadn’t had before.
Adam settled into the group, hanging out mostly with Charlie and Stevie as the hours moved on.
No Jack. No Cas.
Sam told some anecdote about what a player Dean had been growing up. Everyone laughed, even Adam.
Dean told the story of when Sam’s body had been taken over by a thirteen year old kid and the weird shit he’d done.
Jody told a story about Claire and some silly mistake she’d made on a hunt.
Donna told a story about herself, how she’d fallen down a trash chute on a hunt once.
Everyone chimed in, making light of their lives, of all the horror and the suffering, because what else could they do but joke? Dean even managed to explain the time they had fallen through a wall and come out in a tv show, how he had found out he had makeup on his face and how in that world, Sam and Dean -- or Jared and Jensen -- had hated each other.
They joked and laughed and for a moment, it nearly seemed like they could all learn to be whole again. Learn how to heal. Learn how to grow.
When there was a bang from upstairs, Dean’s eyes snapped up.
Everyone was on guard, a room full of hunters. A room full of globally famous hunters, the hunters who had gotten rid of God.
But then there were footsteps on the stairs and Jack was in the room.
He had a bright smile on his face and he raised one hand in the same ‘hello’ gesture he’d been doing since he was born. “I’m sorry I’m late. But I brought a present.” He said softly.
From behind him, Dean could hear footsteps, but couldn’t see.
His heart fell into his stomach and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t want to get his hopes up. He didn’t want to have his heart broken again.
But then he was there.
Castiel, wearing the same dishevelled suit, the same dirty trench coat. There he was, looking like he wasn’t sure what to say or do.
Dean felt frozen in place, scared to believe this was real in case he was hallucinating or in case this was some kind of sick joke. He felt Sam’s elbow in his ribs and it jolted him alive.
He got to his feet, and before he knew it, he was walking. He was moving quickly, pushing past people to get to Cas. He walked right by Jack, figuring he could say hello to him later. Say thank you to him later.
But no, Dean’s green eyes were reserved for Castiel right now. For the angel with the unfailingly blue eyes. The eyes that were still blue even when the skies were grey and the world was ending.
Cas, with all the vulnerability on his face that Dean had been ignoring for the last twelve years because his one marble hadn’t been able to process it.
He grabbed Cas’ face in both his hands, a little too rough when he pressed his lips against Cas’. It wasn’t the romantic, soft first kiss he’d pictured. It wasn’t gentle or perfect or serene. It was teeth banging and too much pressure. It was desperation and pain and fear and twelve years of waiting.
It was Dean holding onto Cas like he might never get the chance again.
It was Cas’ hands on Dean’s sides, gripping him like he might disappear at any moment. It was a moment of raw love and pain and vulnerability and desperation shown in front of their entire family.
But Dean wasn’t afraid anymore. He wasn’t bashful or scared or shy about it.
Castiel’s true happiness had been just letting Dean know how loved he was. Dean needed Castiel to understand that Dean wasn’t something he could never have.
Dean was something he’d had all along. He just hadn’t known it yet.
When he pulled back, Cas’ eyes were full of questions. Full of confusion. Fear, even.
Dean didn’t have the words. He didn’t think Cas did either.
Instead, Dean settled for wrapping his arms tightly around Cas. It wasn’t a stiff, awkward hug, like it might’ve been once. It was arms wrapped tightly around Cas, his body pressed flush against the angel’s, his head dropped down into Cas’ neck. Vulnerability. Love. Things Dean had never known how to show to anyone before.
Cas’ arms settled back around Dean, over his shoulders and Dean could swear he could hear Cas sniffling.
Fuck words. They didn’t need words. Dean just needed to know that Cas was real. That he was here. Dean just needed Cas to know that he loved him. That he’d always loved him. That as stupid as he and his marble might be, Cas was everything to him. That every bit of love Cas had given to him over the years was reciprocated. Was appreciated.
He didn’t know how long they stayed like that, holding onto each other tightly, like the other might slip away any moment.
But then he heard a wolf whistle, and the moment was broken. He glanced up, seeing Claire was the one who had whistled like that.
Dean thought he would feel embarrassed, but he didn’t. He couldn’t feel anything past love and relief. After a moment, he managed to pry himself away enough to hug Jack, to thank him. Others got up to greet Cas. To welcome him back, to say they’d missed him.
He and Sam shared a bear hug and Dean felt his heart swell.
The Cas shaped hole in his chest had been filled.
Things felt more right. They settled back into telling stories, settled back into their places, and things seemed… so much more right.
Dean’s hand was locked in Cas’, neither of them letting go even for a moment, evidently realising that neither was willing to risk losing the other, not again. Realising that it was reciprocated, and desperately clinging onto that moment.
Dean couldn’t believe he’d gone twelve whole years where he could’ve been doing this all along and had been stuck in his own fear instead.
Hours passed on and at some point, Dean glanced at Cas, nodding his head to the door, gesturing for them to go together.
Cas nodded and the two got up and walked out. People glanced up, but no one commented. They hadn’t had a moment alone together since Cas had come back, and he figured everyone knew they would probably need that.
When they got out into the front yard, Dean sat down on the edge of the front deck, Cas sitting down beside him. The little step was only small, so they were practically sitting on each other, but that didn’t matter anymore. In fact, Dean was glad for the excuse to be so close. He hoped never to be further away than this again, not after so many years of pretending they weren’t both pining. How had Dean ever missed that?
“I just… needed to talk to you after… everything.”
Cas nodded, but Dean had no idea where to start. He hadn’t really thought this out.
“What you said before… Before you were taken…” He had no idea where he was going with this. “You’ve really… loved me all along?”
Cas laughed a little, as if this was the funniest question Dean could’ve started with. “Yes, Dean, I did.”
“Why… didn’t you ever tell me?”
“I thought that was obvious. I knew it would never be… reciprocal.”
“Maybe you also only have one marble.” Dean grumbled and Cas gave him an inquisitive look. “It’s nothing, just something Sam said. I… you know now that it… it is, right?”
God, why was Dean so fucking bad at this?
“I assumed we were kissing in a friend way.” Cas said it with a totally straight face and Dean just blinked at him, taken aback. “That was a joke, Dean.” He added after a gap where Dean thought he might actually fall off the edge of the earth.
“Oh.” He was an idiot. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t… I couldn’t… say it back,”
Cas shook his head, “Like I said. True happiness wasn’t in having, it was in feeling…”
Dean nodded, impatient, “Right, yeah, but it’s not just about you. I can’t be happy with you being gone and not knowing that I…” Just three words, Dean. He tried to push himself, knowing he needed to find the courage somewhere to say it. Why was this so hard for him? “I love you too.”
Cas looked like he couldn’t have stopped smiling even if he wanted to. Even if he tried, Dean couldn’t help but smile back at him.
“You’re not allowed to die for me anymore though.” Dean added, gruffly, feeling somewhat shy all of a sudden.
“I can’t promise that.”
“Fuck you, you have to promise that.” Dean huffed.
“Can you promise you won’t die for me if it comes to it?” Cas challenged.
Dean frowned, but didn’t answer.
“So there. How about neither of us dies any time soon and we finally just get our… our epilogue?” Cas offered and Dean couldn’t help but smile at him.
He couldn’t help but smile at the way his hair ruffled softly in the breeze. At the way Cas looked at him with such obvious and plain love in his eyes. At the way it felt to be so close, to have his hand in Cas’, to be unabashedly allowed to just look at him the way he was. To be free, to not wonder if Chuck was in some way pulling the strings.
“Okay…” Dean said softly, “But there’s one more thing.”
Cas nodded, waiting, seemingly a little nervous about it.
“When you told me… you told me that you loved me and that I… changed you. That I made you care about the whole world. I needed you to know… I think you changed me too.” He said softly, “Chuck said in every version of reality, I became the killing machine he wanted me to be. That I succumbed to fear and anger and hate and that I did what he wanted me to do in the end. That you and I were never… this in any other world.”
He paused, taking another deep breath, “I think the reason I never became that was… you. I think you taught me that I didn’t have to be a monster. That I didn’t have to be so angry. That I didn’t have to always give up everything for everyone else. I think you taught me how to… how to feel love outside of anger. When we... we finally got rid of Chuck, or took his power, I'm sure Jack told you the basics, he said... he said it felt poetic to get killed by me, because I was the ultimate killer... I... I thought about what you said, about my not being a monster, but being... loving and caring instead. I told him that isn't who I am. I walked away, rather than killing him. He doesn't get a writer's ending. He doesn't get to make me into a monster... But I only realised any of that... because of you. Because of the way you saw me...” He felt weirdly nervous, and vulnerable. He knew he had nothing to worry about it in telling Cas, but it was still hard. Hard to put the words out there. Hard to speak them into life when they felt so close to his core. To his heart.
Cas leaned again, and when Dean felt his lips against his again, it was softer this time. This was more what he had imagined. What he had expected. This wasn’t panic and desperation and relief.
This was just love.
Dean’s hands seemed to lift of their own accord, gently brushing over the sides of Cas’ face and neck. It only lasted a few moments, but Dean couldn’t explain, even to himself, how different it was. Different from any kind of love he’d ever had. Different from any kind of kiss.
The great fear of being known. No one had ever really known him like Castiel did, and that was terrifying for Dean, who had lived with so much self loathing for as long as he could remember.
But Castiel knew every part of him. Every ripped seam. Every missing shard. Every sharp edge. Every missing peace. Castiel knew all that anger and all that pain and all that suffering and he still loved Dean. He still treated him with love and with tenderness.
Dean felt his heart swell, and they sat there for a moment, in total silence, just looking at each other, until a voice cut through the moment.
“Uh, boys…?” It was Alex, and she sounded like she felt guilty for disturbing the moment. “Sorry, but uh, dinner’s ready.”
Dean and Cas both nodded, and after a moment, and one more quick, gentle kiss, they both got up and walked back in. When they did, Dean looked around the table, love in his eyes.
Adam and Bobby discussing cars, an unusual smile on Adam’s face. Adam deserved a good father figure, Dean hoped they became close.
Charlie and Stevie, in the middle of some little, playful argument with Patience about some movie Dean didn’t think he’d ever seen.
Kaia and Claire, bickering softly about something Dean couldn’t hear, wide grins on both of their faces, less than an inch from each others’ faces.
Jody and Donna, exchanging a quick kiss by the sink as they brought the last of the food over to the dining table that was only barely big enough to fit them all on it.
Alex taking a seat beside Eileen, who was bopping Sam on the nose, which left a bright, happy smile on Sam’s face.
Jack, eyes up on Cas and Dean as they entered, a smile on his face.
Dean sat beside Sam at the table, and Sam glanced over, giving Dean a bright smile, visibly happy for Dean that he’d found this happy moment. This ending.
Dean looked around at all the people he loved, all these people he was so deeply lucky to have in his life at all, and he thought that Cas was right.
They deserved an epilogue. They deserved a family. They deserved a Christmas dinner. They deserved love.
He shot a glance over at Cas, who smiled warmly at him, then glanced back at Sam, who was happily back to talking with Eileen.
Dean thought, as far as epilogues went, this one was pretty perfect.