Chapter Text
It was James who had suggested the party. One last celebration, not just between the four of them (and Lily of course), but with all of the 7th years who cared to come. It was with that that on his last night at Hogwarts, Sirius Black found himself in a classroom full of firewhiskey smuggled in from Hogsmeade (with the help of the invisibility cloak) and whatever food and drink the Hufflepuffs had managed to bring from the kitchen, partying into the night with the students he’d shared the last 7 years with. It was assumed in good faith - and with a litany of protection and silencing spells - that none of the professors would catch them and spoil all the fun. They were graduating into a hostile world; they at least deserved a party before they left. Everyone else seemed to feel the same, chatting and drinking with little worry alongside their classmates for the last time that they’d all be together like this.
Sirius had personally taken a bottle of firewhiskey all for himself, slowly nursing it in a corner as he took in the scene. He had it in his head that maybe if he drank enough, he’d muster the courage to finally loosen his tongue and tell Remus that he fancied him. It was stupid that he wouldn’t just say it outright, but somehow it seemed safer to say it through the fog of the drink. That if things went wrong, he could just blame the firewhiskey and not his own heart being silly enough to be in love with one of his closest friends.
Remus though was nowhere to be found. Sirius’s eyes scanned the room expectantly, poring over every person he could see from his seat. Peter was picking at the snacks spread out on the desk, eying a Gryffindor girl that Sirius knew he’d never be brave enough to talk to. James was holding court with a large number of the boys, Lily at his side. There were two girls, one from Ravenclaw and another from Hufflepuff, nestled in a separate corner of the room snogging without a care in the world. But no Remus. He must’ve slipped out as more people had shown up.
Getting up from his spot, Sirius took one final swig of firewhiskey and walked towards the door, hurrying out as quickly and quietly as he could. He knew Remus wouldn’t stray too far and so he took a random guess of where he’d ended up, and headed down one of the window-lined hallways.
Long shadows were cast across the stone floor from the windows, and in one, he saw the outline of a boy. He was tucked into the deep stone sill of one of the large gothic windows and Sirius hurried towards him, keeping his footfall as light as he could. The Scottish sun was slow to set in June, so even though the hour was late, the sky and the grounds still glowed in the remaining light. It made Remus’s hair look a deep gold colour, and lit up his face in a way that softened his features and made the edges of him glow. From a distance, Sirius caught himself staring, momentarily speechless at the sight of him. But then he rolled his shoulders back and kicked on his usual persona, walking the rest of the way with his typical swagger.
“Moony, what are you doing?” he laughed, calling out softly to Remus. “Hiding from us?”
There was no reply and his friend didn’t look up. Sirius hurried closer to him, his smile drooping from his face immediately.
“Remus, are you alright?” Sirius whispered, hopping up into the window sill to join him. He was now across from him, trying not to think about how close they were. Remus’s face was red from crying, though by his look to Sirius, he hadn’t intended for anyone else to see.
Remus took his already damp sleeve and wiped his face. “It’s nothing,” he mumbled behind his robes. “I’m fine.”
Sirius leaned in and grabbed him by the shoulders, gentle but firm. “We both know that’s rubbish, Moony. What’s wrong?”
Remus sighed and stared back out the window. “I think it finally just hit me that we’re actually leaving Hogwarts.”
Sirius turned to look out the window too, taking in the view. “Yeah. Hard to believe, isn’t it?”
Remus was quiet and Sirius turned to watch him, his mouth opening and closing like he was about to say something and then kept holding himself back. Sirius knew the feeling well.
“I just don’t really know where I go from here.” he said finally.
“This is scary for all of us, mate,” Sirius whispered. “It doesn’t help that there’s a bloody war on.”
“It’s not just that, Sirius,” he clipped, sounding more scared than angry as he turned to look at Sirius. “Well, of course that’s part of it but it’s everything else too.”
Sirius suddenly realized what was on Remus’s mind.
“Is this about your lycanthropy?” he asked softly.
Remus didn’t respond, instead turning his head to stare back out of the window. The sun had lost its glow as it continued to set, cloaking Remus in dusky shadow. Sirius could hear his sniffles and knew that his guess had been correct. He just didn’t really know what to say, attempting to stumble his way through a comforting response.
“Remus, you’re one of the smartest people I know - there’s plenty out there for you to do, even with your condition. People would be idiots not to see that.”
Remus turned and looked at him, loudly exclaiming, “It’s not just that… You- You don’t understand! None of you could understand! Hogwarts is the only place where I’ve gotten to be somewhat normal! That doesn’t get to continue once we leave here!” His voice broke in desperation and the sound of it physically pained Sirius.
“Even if this war ever ends, where do I fit into the world?” he continued, his voice so quiet that Sirius strained to hear it. “I’m a monster.”
Sirius didn’t know what to say. The silence cut between them, the beat of his heart keeping time as they both sat with Remus’s words.
“You’re a boy,” Sirius said finally. “You’re not a monster, Remus. You’re just a boy.”
“Yeah, a boy who occasionally transforms into a bloodthirsty creature.”
“That doesn’t make you bad.”
“What does it make me then?”
“Just...complicated. It just makes you a little more complicated.”
“What if I don’t want to be complicated?” Remus whispered, and his voice broke.
Sirius reached out and grabbed Remus’s hands, looking straight into Remus’s eyes.
“If you weren’t complicated, you wouldn’t be you,” Sirius said gently. “And I rather like the person that you are. I think the rest of our friends would agree as well.”
“That doesn’t make what’s ahead any easier,” Remus mumbled, though there was less bite in his words now. His eyes flitted everywhere but on Sirius.
“Well, none of life is easy. I suppose that’s part of the deal of living, right?”
Remus shrugged. “I suppose you’re right about that.” And he turned back to the window.
The sky was darkening, though the stars had not yet come out.
As Sirius turned to look as well, he suddenly realized that he was still holding Remus’s hands. He was struck by how they were soft and rough all at once, telling their own story about the boy they belonged to. Remus hadn’t made to move his hands away, so Sirius kept holding them, stealing glances at Remus through the dim light.
“You’re wiser than you give yourself credit for, Padfoot,” Remus said softly. “I don’t know why I haven’t told you that more.”
Sirius’s breath hitched. He didn’t want to say anything stupid to break whatever this was, so he kept his mouth shut. There was a long pause between them, as Remus mulled through his thoughts.
Finally, he let out a deep sigh, letting go of Sirius’s hands to cover his face. “Merlin, I hope I don’t regret this but fuck it, it’s our last night here and I’ve already pored one huge bit of my heart out tonight so I may as well dump out the rest. I love you, Sirius. And not just in the way that you’re one of my best mates.” He laughed harshly, as if he was shocked the words had finally left his mouth. Sirius’ heart hammered against his ribs. “And I’m not sorry for loving you and I’m not sorry for telling you, but I am sorry for not admitting it sooner, and it’s fine if you don’t feel the same because we’re all leaving Hogwarts anyway and-”
Sirius leaned in and kissed him, cutting off his words. Remus kissed him back the minute their lips touched, leaning in with a hunger and a longing that spoke to the fact that they’d both been waiting for this for a long time. It was the kind of kiss that made him forget to breathe. His hand cupped Remus’s face, warm to the touch. They broke apart only reluctantly, breathing heavy in the darkness.
“How could I not love you?” Sirius whispered.
Remus let out another harsh laugh. “I could think of a few reasons…”
Sirius grabbed Remus’s hands. “I don’t care about any of that. I love you for everything that you are.”
Instead of replying, Remus leaned in and kissed him, moving closer to Sirius, who was aware of every place their bodies brushed up against each other, wanting Remus closer and closer.
“So how long have you been concocting that speech in your head?” Sirius asked with a smirk when they’d once again broken apart.
Remus covered his face with his hands and even in the dark, Sirius knew he was blushing. “Longer than I care to admit,” he mumbled. “How long have you been waiting to kiss me?”
“Too fucking long,” Sirius replied. “It’s always been you on my mind, Remus.”
He laughed and then started crying again. “Then why did we wait so long for this to happen? And what do we do now? We’re leaving and we’ll be apart again and beside, I-”
“Remus, just stop for a moment,” Sirius begged, gently taking Lupin’s face in his hands, tears running like rivers down his cheeks and onto Sirius’s hands. “We have the rest of our lives to spend worrying. Right now, I just want to keep kissing you.”
Remus’s face softened.
“I think I can manage that,” he replied, scooting even closer to Sirius. In another instant, they were kissing again.
“We’re idiots, you know that right?” Remus breathed, in between kisses.
“Well, you’ve got to be some kind of a fool to fall for me of all people,” Sirius quipped back.
“I think we’re well matched then, because I would say the same about you,” Remus whispered.
The darkness that wrapped around them felt freeing, like they’d been given a brief reprieve from the weight of the world. Their fingers traced each others’ skin, clamoring for more and more and more. Sirius' mouth traced the length of Remus’s neck, leaving soft kisses in his wake as he held Remus close to him, pulling him nearer until he was basically in Sirius’s lap. He held Remus’s thigh tight against him as his other hand traced the bare skin beneath Remus’s now unbuttoned shirt, his fingers lingering across the raised lines of scars. Remus shuddered at his touch, his hands running through Sirius’s shoulder length hair.
Eventually he rested his head into Sirius’s collarbone and Sirius held him. The only noise they could hear was that of their own breathing, and of the sound of their pounding hearts.
“We should probably get back to the rest of them,” Sirius whispered finally.
Remus nestled closer into Sirius. “I suppose you’re right.”
They slowly unfurled themselves from each other, sliding down from the ledge in a stupor. Sirius reached out for Remus, who grabbed his hand as they walked back down the hallway. Their wand lights lit their way, casting lengthy shadows of their figures across the stone. They stopped just before the door back into the party and and stared at each other in the glow of their magic.
Sirius gave him a soft smile. “I don’t have all the answers for you, Moony. I wish I did. But you know that all of us will be here for you, right?”
Remus gave him a nod and squeezed Sirius’s hand tighter as Sirius opened the door and they re-entered the room. There appeared to be even more people than there were when Sirius had left, particularly from Gryffindor House, who had at some point appeared to join the festivities.
James, who had been wrapped up in a conversation, suddenly raised his head and looked right at Sirius. His face took on his usual goofy grin and he waved at Sirius.
“Oy, where have you two been?” James yelled out as they walked towards him.
Remus and Sirius exchanged a glance and before Sirius could say a word, it was Remus who spoke.
“Snogging!” he replied with a straight face.
James’s jaw dropped, though his mirth didn’t falter. “Seriously?”
“As serious as my name,” Sirius winked.
James staggered over, reeking of fire whiskey, and clapped them both on the backs. “Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.”
Lily, who was far more sober, rolled her eyes at James but winked at both the boys.
“Glad to see that you two have finally come to your senses!” she called out, her smile lighting up her entire face.
They all headed back to the common room not long after, with Peter and Lily supporting James who could not seem to walk in a straight line, and Remus and Sirius holding hands the whole walk back. When they entered the cozy, torchlit space, they all landed in a heap across the floor and couches, electing to stay up even later reminiscing about the past years. It felt strange to think that this was it, that they were leaving Hogwarts forever now. Sirius of course knew that for their group, this was not the end of things, but it still felt like some great shift was occurring beneath their feet as they prepared to leave the comfort of the castle they’d all called home since they were 11, joining the wider world before them. There weren’t proper words to capture everything he felt about the thought of leaving. But Sirius looked around at the people before him, at Peter sprawled out across the couch and fighting to stay awake; at James and Lily sitting side by side on the floor, both giggling with the thought of past hijinks; at Remus, squished beside him in their oversized armchair, his legs resting across Sirius’s. Hogwarts was a haven to him, yes, but these people, this group, they were his home. They were the ones who made this place come alive, who made his time here worth it. He relished every moment of their presence. Dark times were ahead but they were all going to see them through together.
It was at some terribly late hour that they all finally broke off for bed, dragging their feet up the stairs. Sirius was barely awake enough to change into his pyjamas, his hands fumbling at the buttons of his shirt so poorly that Remus had to help him get it off. Peter and James had already crashed into bed and were asleep in minutes but Sirius and Remus took their time until it was just them, looking at each other from their beds beside each other.
“I’m so tired, but I don’t want to sleep,” Remus whispered.
“Me too,” Sirius replied. He didn’t want morning to come and break this spell.
Remus sat on the side of his bed, his eyes flitting about in the light of the waning moon.
“I don’t want to wake up and have us go back to before,” he said, his voice quiet but steady.
“We don’t have to,” Sirius said. “We can have a whole lifetime full of this if we want.”
The thought of it made his heart swell. A future with Remus felt like something close to hope in a way he’d never felt before. He felt infinite, he felt invincible, he felt whole.
Sirius got up and moved to sit next to Remus, leaning into him. Remus tucked his feet up and pulled Sirius more firmly onto the bed. Then he pulled the curtains of the four-poster-bed shut and reached out for Sirius in the darkness, who felt his wandering hands and grabbed them tight as if to anchor him. Their faces were suddenly breaths away from each other.
“Stay with me?” Remus whispered.
“Always,” Sirius breathed back.
Together they curled up and Sirius fell asleep with his face buried in Remus’s shoulder. This was what home felt like.