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"They always list depression among the side effects of cancer. But, in fact, depression is not a side effect of cancer. Depression is a side effect of dying."
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars -
Tommy always knew he was dying. It was no secret, really. It's kind of hard to not piece it together when you're losing weight faster than you can even digest food and you’re tired just waking up and getting out of bed.
He knew he was dying, knew he didn’t have very long left. He tried to get the most out of his life, but it was hard to when being alive didn’t feel like living.
He never had very many friends; everyone he had connected with he had met at the hospital and subsequently lost within months of them first meeting. Tommy started doing more things that he enjoyed, even if it was draining. He streamed in the evenings and took classes during the day.
He had never had very many friends until he met Tubbo. Tubbo was his first real friend that Tommy knew would stick around. Tubbo was kind and always had a smile to share.
Tommy didn’t want Tubbo to know he was dying; he didn’t want to dampen the boy’s cheery aura. So he didn’t.
When Tommy’s oncologist put forth the idea of chemotherapy once more, Tommy took it. It shocked his family to see him accept something he’d been refusing forever, but he had finally found something- no, someone- to try to stay alive for.
He knew chemo wasn't as great as it was presented, he knew how big of an affliction it was just for the minute chance that the tumor would shrink and the doctors would be able to magically heal him. He knew it wasn't that easy and he knew it hurt, but still, he wasn't afraid. He wasn't doing this for himself, he was doing this for Tubbo.
Tommy couldn't express with words how much he downplayed the toll the side effects of chemo had on him. He couldn't even begin to count the amount of times he told someone he, "just hadn't slept very well the night before," or how many times after ending a stream he didn't even have the energy to change into more comfortable sleeping clothes before he succumbed to the fatigue of living and passed out of exhaustion.
Everything was going relatively well, though. His hair had started slightly thinning, which he knew was a common thing for most chemo patients, but he wasn't too worried about it.
Everything was going relatively well until he accidentally slipped up.
It wasn't that complicated. In fact, he wasn't even lying to Tubbo when he told him he couldn't join him on a stream because he was busy. He was busy.
But then Tubbo mentioned something about Tommy being a lot busier than he used to be and asked if he was doing okay.
And Tommy couldn't not tell him the whole truth.
So he did, from the very beginning when he was first diagnosed up to the very second he decided to start doing chemo.
Tubbo was stunned. He didn't even know that Tommy had cancer, much less that he was doing chemo for him.
Doing chemo meant Tommy was going to get better, right? Tubbo wasn't sure. In fact, he knew almost nothing about cancer. He'd have to do some research when he got the chance... But for now, for now he could make sure Tommy was doing okay. He could check in after every chemo session and stream. He could just try to be there- if being more there for his friend than he already was even possible.
Tubbo Today at 4:54 PM
i know you wont see this util after sesion but how are you tday big man?
Tommy smiled weakly at the message. Tubbo had been checking in on him a lot more since their heart-to-heart about Tommy's condition. Tommy appreciated it, he really did, but it hurt that he couldn't be completely honest with Tubbo about what the chemo treatment was doing to him.
He hurt, physically. The regular fatigue had multiplied almost tenfold and he couldn't keep down nearly anything he ate which was making his already rapid weight loss much, much more of a problem.
He let out a soft sigh and shakily pulled his hands to his keyboard to type out a response.
TommyInnit Today at 6:29 PM
Honestly? In a lot of pain
You ask me every session how I feel and I tell you fine because I don't want you to worry, but I'm dying and chemo is making me feel like it
Tommy waited a second, watching Tubbo's status icon go from grey to red.
Tubbo is typing...
Tommy let his arms rest limply on the desk, pulling his hands away from the keyboard and sitting back in his chair, looking to the ceiling as he waited for a response.
Tubbo Today at 6:34 PM
i thuogt chemo was meant to help? :(
Tommy let out a sigh, bringing his hands back to the keyboard.
TommyInnit Today at 6:36 PM
It is, big man. It's just really draining and the side effects are tough to deal with
I'm super tired, man. I'm gonna head to bed early, have fun on your stream tonight
Tommy sent the messages quickly, pulling his arms off the desk to rest on the cushy armrests of the chair. Each of his limbs felt so, so heavy he wasn't completely sure how he had made it up the stairs and to his room.
Tubbo is typing...
Tubbo Today at 6:43
aw ok, get sme good rest
As soon as Tommy read the message and sent one of Techno's infamous thumbs up emojis in reply, he closed Discord setting his monitor to sleep before standing shakily and stumbling to fall into his bed, toeing off his shoes just before falling into the mess of sheets and blankets. He lay there for a minute before falling asleep, not even bothering to turn his desk lamp off or plug his phone in on his nightstand.
It was early when he woke, maybe four or five AM. There was a foil-wrapped plate sitting on his desk, his phone had been taken from its spot on the pillow next to him and placed on the charger neatly on his nightstand. He smiled sleepily, reaching a shaking arm out to grab his phone.
4 Discord Notifications
1 Missed Phone Call from Tubbo
Tubbo sent 2 Text Messages
6 Discord Notifications
3 Discord Notifications
2 Missed Phone Calls from Wilbur
1 Voicemail from Wilbur
He let out a soft sigh, unlocking his phone. He checked Tubbo's texts first.
They were both short, a few misspellings in each, but Tommy smiled regardless. God, he was going to miss Tubbo. Tommy didn't bother with replying, they were just texts wishing him a goodnight and telling him that Tubbo had left his ringer on just in case Tommy needed to speak to him whenever he woke.
He opened Discord next. To be honest, he wasn't sure what he was expecting, but most of the notifications were from pings on the SMP Discord Server asking him to join a VC and Tubbo promptly excusing him from doing so. Tubbo really was too good to Tommy; he supposed you'd have to be nice to a dying person out of pity.
He didn't know if there was proper etiquette on how to treat a dying person; if there was, he had never learned it, but maybe it was because he'd been dying his whole life. Maybe they had excused him from that lesson out of pity, maybe the lesson didn't exist at all. He wasn't sure- he wasn't sure of most things, really- the only thing he knew was that, as soon as they found out he was dying, everyone treated him the same. Nobody dared look in his eyes, and if they did, no smile they ever flashed him met them. Surely, if there really was an etiquette lesson on how to treat dying people, they'd learn that all dying people want is not to be treated differently. Surely they'd know. But alas, here he was hiding behind excuse upon excuse for why he missed a stream, or why the bags under his eyes had become much more apparent in the past months. He was glad, though, that even if Tommy wasn't necessarily nice to him all the time, he always had Tubbo in his corner.
"Oh, oh! Hey, man, come check this out!" Tubbo said, his voice was quiet, but he could still be heard loud and clear over the resonating laughter from their last bit. "Chat and I found it a few streams back."
Tommy perked up in his seat, taking a deep breath and moving his in-game character to follow Tubbo's. He could feel the familiar pins-and-needles tingling sensation in the tips of his fingers. He didn't say anything, but his face showed how much pain he was in. He thanked whatever god was up there that he had decided to stop doing webcam streams a while back.
After a few minutes, the stabbing needle pains became nothing as a cold, tingling sensation spread through his hands.
"Ah.." A gentle, pained cry fell, almost hesitantly, from his trembling lips. He flicked his mouse arrow to his OBS monitor, quickly muting his stream mic before he lost all feeling in his hands.
"Tommy?" Dream asked.
"Tommy? Are you alright, mate?" Tubbo asked, all previous traces of lightheartedness had fallen away as he listened worriedly to his friend's quick, shallow breaths and pained whimpers.
"Tubbo, mute your stream mic." Dream said quickly.
He deafened himself in the Discord call, speaking quickly to his chat, who seemed to be speaking much quicker than he could even comprehend, muting his stream mic and switching to his 'Be Right Back' scene on OBS. He undeafened on the Discord, quick to speak over Dream, who, in his humble opinion, was just asking too many questions.
"Tommy, what's wrong? What hurts?" Tubbo's voice was gentle and concerned, which wasn't exactly usual to Tommy anymore.
"I can't feel my hands." Tommy replied, words coming quick and wobbly. Tubbo could tell that Tommy was in a lot of pain; Tommy never cried, he was a big man. It scared Tubbo to have to witness his friend like this.
"Do you want Dream to go?" Tubbo asked.
The eldest had gone quiet since Tubbo undeafened. Maybe he had gone on mute himself. Tubbo checked; he wasn't.
Tommy made a non-committal sound. Tubbo frowned.
"Are either of your parents home?" Tubbo asked, scrolling through his contacts list on his phone; he had gotten Tommy's father's number when the two had met up and Tommy had given Tubbo his mom's just in case something like this did happen while they were streaming.
"Father is at work. I think ma's still at the shops, she said she'd be quick though." He replied quickly.
"I'm gonna call your mum then, alright?"
"Mmmn." Tommy hummed.
Tubbo muted.
Dream opened his mouth to speak, anything to try to aid the situation, but he didn't know what exactly the situation was.
"You're going to be alright, kid." Dream spoke finally, his words seemingly coming even without his permission. He could only hope they were true.
"If only you knew." Tommy muttered. Dream was going to ask what that was supposed to mean, but Tubbo unmuted once he got the chance.
"Tommy, end your stream. Your mum is on her way back now. I'll end early and tell Wilbur of the situation; we'll deal with damage control, Dream you can help with that if you'd like." Tubbo spoke quickly and there was audible struggle from Tommy's end before his stream tab came up with an error message on Dream's end.
Multiple other occasions like that- some where Tommy had to bolt to the bathroom to heave up his lunch, others where he couldn't feel his hands or legs, or, on some occasions, could feel them a bit too intensely- had occurred. Tommy's community was worried, scared even. They could sense, after the day that Tommy had ended his stream so abruptly without even saying goodbye or raiding one of his friends, that something was wrong. There was a thick, weighted blanket of tension that lay draped over those who had been in Discord calls with Tommy on the occasions he had to end stream. Tommy's community was worried, scared even, but their concerns and fears were definitely not unfounded.
Tommy's community was worried, scared even, more than before, because now, now, Tommy's Twitch sat, inactive for four and a half weeks; his socials were quiet, not a word from his Twitter, nor his Discord. The boy had seemingly up and disappeared.
To say that Tubbo was absolutely terrified would be a gross understatement. He didn't know any words that could even come close to explaining how he felt that Tommy had apparently fallen off the face of the Earth. But everyday he called, sent a text, sent a message over Discord, a Twitter DM; everyday he scanned his stream chat for the familiar TommyInnit with some offensively witty addition to whichever one of his sad, one-man bits he was on at the moment.
Tommy had been told to rest, so he did. In fact, he didn't do much of anything but rest anymore. He couldn't, really.
He felt himself slowly becoming weaker and weaker as the days stretched out into weeks which stretched out into a month.
Every night he listened to his phone ring and ding and chime. People were worried, he was a fool for not saying something, anything. He wanted so bad to call Tubbo, but he didn't know what to say, and, even if he did, he wouldn't be able to hold the phone.
And finally the day came where he had to go see his oncologist. He dragged himself out his bed, dressed, and made his way out. He remembered catching a glace of himself in the mirror, he didn't like it; he looked too thin and much too pale, he looked dead already, his eyes were dark and tired and his lips were chapped from- hell, he didn't even know, but they were!
He was hospitalized that trip and he finally realized just how close to the end he actually was.
So, after a lot of thinking, hyping himself up, and finally dialing the all too familiar number.
The phone only rang once before a wobbly voice from the other end spoke.
"Hello?"
God, Tommy missed the sound of Tubbo's voice.
"Hey, Big T." Tommy chuckled weakly before falling off into a coughing fit.
"Tommy!" Tubbo shouted, seemingly relieved. "You sound.." He trailed off.
"Awful; I sound awful." Tommy finished for him.
"Yeah." Tubbo murmured.
"I feel it too, man." Tommy sighed.
"Where've you been?" Tubbo asked, his voice had gone back to its previous tremble. Tommy knew that meant Tubbo was close to crying.
"Oh, you know, around."
Tubbo laughed dryly, both lines falling into an uncomfortable silence.
"We miss you, you know." Tubbo finally spoke. "You should come back to streaming. We miss you, everybody does."
"Tubbo..." Tommy paused, sighing. "I don't think that's going to happen, big man."
"W-well why not?" Tubbo asked, sniffling. He knew why, he knew Tommy knew that he knew too.
"Come visit," Tommy avoided his question, "please."
"Of course." Tubbo's voice was just above a whisper as the bottle of emotions he had been filling for nearly a month finally spilled over, tears streaming im salty rivers down his cheeks. "Of course."
"I'll see you soon then?" Tommy asked.
"Y-yeah," Tubbo sniffled, "just message me the address and time."
"Alright, Big T. See you soon." Tommy smiled even though Tubbo couldn't see.
"Mhm." Tubbo hummed before the line went dead in his ear.
When the day came that Tubbo was finally able to visit Tommy, to spend the entire day with him, by his side, he was nervous.
It was his best friend, why would he be scared? He asked himself. He didn't answer.
The day went by much too quickly for the duo's taste.
But Tubbo would never forget the parting moments they spent together.
Tommy sat up in the hospital bed, facing Tubbo who sat on the crusty hospital chair against the wall.
"You know, I won't be gone." He murmured.
"What?" Tubbo asked.
"I won't be gone, when I die I mean; I won't be gone, you'll never be able to get rid of me." Tommy clarified.
And then Tubbo broke. The tears he'd been holding all day streamed freely down his face and his shoulders shook with sobs.
Tommy opened his arms, scooting back a bit so Tubbo could sit on the bed with him.
Tubbo did, climbing into the odd, uncomfortable bed and wrapping his arms loosely around his friend. He buried his face in Tommy's shoulder, breathing in the scent of the taller boy.
"W-why do ba-bad things always ha-happen to g-good people?" Tubbo asked, shaking his head slightly.
"I don't know, big man. I really don't know." Tommy murmured, combing a hand through Tubbo's hair in an attempt to soothe the older. "Don't mull over it too much though please." He whispered.
"Don't die." Tubbo whimpered once his sobs had subsided to quiet sniffles.
"I'm sorry." Tommy replied, tightening his arms around Tubbo just a little bit more before sniffling himself. "I really did try, Big T. I tried for you."