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“If you fucking want something, go for it.” Katsuki seethed, not sure why he felt such immense irritation at Deku’s lack of enthusiasm. Maybe because it was so out of character, which was even more twisted, because he had spent a good while trying to crush that same exuberance down.
Deku’s breath hitched, his mouth open like he had so much to say but it all got caught in the confines of his throat. He looks at Katsuki, head down and fists tight by his sides.
“No, this is different.” Deku whispered, then his eyes flitted to Katsuki, falling to his fingers which he twisted and fiddled with as if he couldn’t hold the gaze for long. “This is different than wanting to be a hero.”
Katsuki made a face, he feels an uncomfortable cloak drape over them both, delicate and heavy at the same time. It’s like he wanted to ask but something was stopping him, something about Deku’s hesitance, his vague words, the tremble of his voice.
That and the fact that he wasn’t very good at prioritizing. He could admit that he put his dreams of being a hero above all else. Still, he had prided himself on the fact that he was still a person outside of that. He was a badass cook, he played the drums like a beast, he excelled at academics, he went hiking on the weekends.
He prided himself because the knowledge that Deku could never do all that was apparent . Everything he did was for others, he was like a lifeless little sponge, being used and mistreated and abused for the gain of others again and again and he didn’t just allow it, he strived for it. Katsuki couldn’t see the appeal of that kind of hero.
In his mind, being a hero meant defeating evil, about becoming victorious in every way. He can save everyone by simply winning and there was nothing cooler than that thought. Nothing was cool about Deku’s approach.
Katsuki see’s just how poor Deku’s vision of a hero is. But then again, after his fight with him, after talking to All Might even, Katsuki figures he sort of got the idea wrong too.
But he’s still perceptive enough to know that Deku is heading for a path of self destruction. He can admit, now and only now , once and then forget—that he has wondered if Deku wants absolutely anything besides being a hero, anything besides saving others , anything other than being useful to other people.
What kind of thing would Deku desire?
The thought is so abstract he can’t help but feel that Deku is fucking creepy, not even human some days.
“So what? What’s wrong with that?” He says back, and Deku’s head pops up so fast, his eyes wide and shocked like he wasn’t expecting Katsuki to say that.
Fuck, he knows he’s gonna be a kickass hero but he doesn’t like the thought that he would be perceived to be the same as Deku. He has desires outside of this dream too. Nothing as glamorous and nothing as important, but—but he refuses to be an appliance like Deku.
He sighs, grinds his teeth and thinks, he fucking hates that he has to tell him any of this. Why can’t he ever just get anything. Why does Katsuki always have to explain things to him?
At least he’s done explaining things in the form of fists though, well, unless Deku decides to really piss him off.
He doesn’t know how this conversation turned into this but...
“You’re not a fucking doormat. You can do things other than helping people.” He finally just says, because man has he been thinking it for awhile, for years. He’s so so so—worrisome. Always stretching himself so thin, never stopping to think of himself.
Deku swallows hard, Katsuki can hear the click of his throat in the silence his words bring. Deku’s got a weird look on his face, he’s biting his lip, he’s nervous, but why? Katsuki doesn’t know.
Katsuki really can’t fucking stand the way Deku’s mind fucking works. Never could, can’t grasp the threads that connect any of him together. It’s like him and Deku are so similar, their end goals , their perseverance, their analytics. But that’s as far are their similarities go. Their wires are both the same color but connect completely different. Wouldn’t be able to untangle Deku’s if he tried.
He doesn’t even know where that stupid nerd got his uncanny desire to put everyone first and himself last. He just doesn’t get it, why does Deku always want to be so fucking use—
Katsuki freezes, his breathing picking up and his back straightens , a thought like a bolt of lighting.
Why does Deku always want to be so fucking useful?
No, no, no, no, he thinks. This—isn’t his fault. Deku has been like this way before Katsuki ever dubbed him useless.
Deku’s always been like this. Katsuki breathes out slowly. The thought doesn’t settle him at all.
But as he looks at the wavering face of the nerd he’s known for most of his life, the jagged scars that marr his skin, his eyes that look so lost now but usually look at Katsuki with so much thoughtfulness, like it’s all he knows how to do but to take everything Katsuki’s ever said to heart—yeah he’ll let himself dwell on it just this once.
He’ll admit, that maybe, the reason Deku has done nothing but try to be a hero in the smallest of ways, to strangers and friends and any living thing—to the biggest ways, like rescuing children and saving citizens and upholding peace and strength , is because he’s been trying to prove Katsuki wrong. Or because he had heard for so long that he was anything but a hero. That he was useless.
And if it’s true that Deku has always been like this then it’s also true that all Katsuki’s words have done has made this sickness in Deku grow.
Suddenly, he feels his stomach tighten, feels his blood rush through him, making him dizzy.
He tries to remember a time , when they were small maybe, when Deku talked about girls or hobbies or something other than being a hero.
Deku’s head is up, he’s staring right at Katsuki now, looking at him as if he’s said something really wise. Of course Deku would think that wishing for things is out of the question as a hero, he’s not quite sure why it looked like he thought Katsuki would agree with him though.
“But...” Deku says, licking his lips, green eyes shining brightly, glistening with so much sincerity. “This is a wish completely selfish.”
Katsuki tries not to let it show on his face how much that shocked him. How much he wants to know. What in the whole entire world would make Deku, stupid, selfless, idiotic, robot Deku feel like he’s being selfish?
The answer is anything at all.
The real question, Katsuki realizes, is what in the world would a Deku like that even want? What would make that untouched part of himself that comes so easily to normal people—flare to life?
What’s so powerful that would grab even Deku’s attention. Nothing seems likely, no earthly possession would shake him, he has every All Might merchandise he can get and he would give it all up for anyone. No t-shirt, no meal, no activity, no person would be important enough for him to think twice about it being a true, real want.
He can’t even imagine it. What would Deku possibly want that he thinks he can’t have?
Katsuki very carefully chooses his words. “Then be selfish.” He says , then because he knows that Deku is unlikely to be convinced, “If you have nothing else other than becoming a hero than you might as well be Endeavor. And if you have nothing to offer other than catering to people than you might as well be a maid instead.” He grins meanly, because although he’s never been one to cater to people he’s learned the first lesson well enough these past years.
If all you focus on is being the best, being a hero and getting all the glory from it, you’ll miss you’re chances to be the real hero. You’ll end up growing weaker , not able to see past your own delusions.
Maybe it’s not the exact same as Deku’s situation but he’s not finished yet.
Deku frowns, opens his mouth to refute it, he knows. But Katsuki interrupts him just in time.
“Are you Deku or are you Midoriya Izuku?”
Deku pauses, gaping and obviously confused, his teeth click as he shuts his mouth, contemplating.
“Both.” He decides on, giving Katsuki a petulant look, like he knows he’s overthrowing Katsuki’s point.
Which he is, that’s not the answer he should’ve went with.
“No, dumbass!” He yells, “You’re not Deku, that’s just some dumbass name. You aren’t just a hero—“
“Well not yet, but one day—“
“Not the fucking point. Shut up, I’m saying that Deku is just a persona. Your hero name is nothing more than the uniform you put on.” Katsuki bares his teeth, what a fucking idiot. “Here, on this earth, you are Midoriya Izuku. A dumbass nobody that thinks too much and wants too little.” His words are harsh but he doesn’t take them back, because it’s not supposed to be an insult for once. It’s supposed to be a reminder.
A reminder that Deku has more to him than standing in All Might's far too large shadow. Of filling his shoes.
Or he could, if he let himself.
Deku gives him the most flabbergasted face he’s ever seen him wear, he huffs, like Katsuki is the one not getting it.
“W-well, what if both Deku and I-Izuku want the same thing?” He asks timidly, stuttering on his own name like he’s more used to being Deku than Izuku.
Katsuki scoffs, he’s running out of patience and this whole saying things without actually talking specifically is draining him.
“I mean—what if I can’t separate the two on this matter? What if they’re too connected? It’s selfish of me to want—to want to have this in both life’s. In every aspect. It’s selfish of me to want it at all. I don’t even know why I do. I don’t even know, really, exactly what I want—“
“Deku.” Katsuki cuts him off, his tone dry and menacing.
But Deku does something unexpected. He flushes a deep red, his cheeks steaming with warmth and he shakes his head furiously “Ha, see, Deku.” Deku says ridiculously , and Katsuki raises a brow. “Deku, I’m Deku. I’ll always be Deku, no changing that. I don’t wanna not be Deku. I—I—“
“Hey—“ he says, because the nerd looks like he’s panicking, he’s skipping the whole of what he’s trying to say and giving Katsuki half ass, empty sentences that he doesn’t know how to piece together.
“You said I want too little but I don’t.” Deku emphasizes by stepping forward, a hand twisted in his white t-shirt , just above his heart like he wants to reach in and grab it and make it stop beating. “I want too much. Always. All the time. I’m so, so selfish, Kacchan.” He says desperately, tears wobbling on his lash line.
“But being a hero? I wanted more than anything in the world, but it didn’t feel so selfish. Because I’d be able to help people.” He sniffs, tears not escaping his eyes yet. “All the little things I wish for are so inconsequential. I don’t need any of it. All I need is to be able to save, to do what I can to help everyone , in any way I possibly can.”
Katsuki has to say, he knew all this before . Doesn’t mean it irks him any less, like, has Deku even been listening to him?
“ but I’ve—always—“ he sucks in a breath, shuts his eyes and tries again, he’s a lot closer to Katsuki than he was earlier. “But I always knew that my desire to be closer to you was the most selfish thing about me. Because it doesn’t just have no purpose , nothing about it means I save anyone. In fact—“ his voice rises in panic “—in fact! It hurts people! It hurts you! Because you’ve never wanted that! It hurts me because I already know! And it hurts everyone else because I value it so much, that I’m willing to do things for it that doesn’t benefit me as a hero. That I’m willing to ignore others if it means I can get that much closer to attaining it. Even if it’s just mainly when I’m in the heat of the moment. Kacchan’s in danger, no one else exists, Kacchan is talking to me , listen even if his words hurt, Kacchan is doing something , stop and stare.”
“My dream of being a hero barley outweighs it some days and I have to force myself to ignore that part of me so I don’t burden anyone, least of all you!”, Deku’s body convulses as he lets out an ugly sob.
Since they’ve been on bad terms and well after, from middle school till now, Deku has seen Katsuki cry a handful of times. He’s ashamed to admit it but it’s the truth.
Katsuki on the other hand, has only seen Deku cry twice maybe three times. In actual, real emotional distress. Not one of his little emotional spills. No , this is Deku folding himself in half, face rippled in pain and sorrow in the arch of his back, the way he hugs himself and his tears dampen the ground beneath him with loud plops to the carpet.
“When I was younger it’s because you had everything I didn’t. When I was four years old I watched you more than I watched freaking All Might on TV! But now? Now I have everything I could’ve ever asked for! I have a quirk, I have All Might and I have friends and I have a purpose. What is there left to want?” Deku rubs his eyes, opening them but head hung low, like he’s ashamed.
“ Do I really need everything I’ve ever asked for? So selfish.” He says harshly , scolding himself.
Katsuki couldn’t answer if he tried. He has no words trapped, has barely had a thought. All his head is filled with is Deku’s voice, saying those words.
“You don’t have anything that I don’t already have, now.” Deku reminds him.
It stings, a little, because he fucking knows. It’s what he’s been fighting against his whole life. Even when Deku supposedly had nothing Katsuki was still jealous of him. So now that Deku has everything Katsuki has and more? Yeah, he winces a little.
“So why the hell do I still want to be with you?” Deku asks, maybe asks both of them.
Katsuki shakes his head, baffled. Wants to say something mean like , because you always want what you can’t have. But that would just be twice as embarrassing because Deku always ends up getting the impossible things that he wants.
The thought should bother him more than it does.
Still, he’s a contrary person by nature. His greatest fault and his greatest strength is that he will do what he wants to do no matter what. So as his hands are in the pockets of his sweats he clenches them hard and doesn’t dare remove them, doesn’t give himself a chance to act out.
Through his utter astonishment the idea that Deku wants to be close to him isn’t even news. Really, in the back of his mind he always knew that. Deku has always been chasing him, calling out to him, looking his way.
And even after all these years, all the talks they’ve had and all the broken connections they’ve mended. Here, as an 18 year old so close to being a pro hero, it still pisses him the fuck off.
Later, he might try to analyze it, study himself like he knows Deku tries to as he gets to the center of why Deku irks him so fucking much.
But today he had a mission.
As soon as Deku has opened his mouth to talk after their spar, as soon as the conversation veered off to Deku’s strange tendency to ignore all reason just so he can save the day.
As soon as they got to the topic of Deku having any desires. Katsuki had a resolution to himself, to make Deku see , that wanting things is okay. That it could be good. That is was supposed to be healthy.
So that Katsuki could save Deku this time.
He inhales, ignores his warm face and plunges his hand into Deku sweaty curls, grips his locks firmly as his nails skim his scalp. He pulls Deku’s head back until he’s staring into Katsuki’s face.
For some reason they’re both wearing the same look, embarrassed, red and on edge , teeth bared ready to fight. At this point he doesn’t even know if he’s the one imitating Katsuki or the other way around, they’ve been together too long to tell.
“You’re not doing anything wrong by wanting, stupid Deku! If that’s the case—Don’t do anything halfheartedly and go after it!” Katsuki is actually shaking. Whether it’s because of Deku’s words or his own he can’t parse.
“K-Kacchan!” Deku says, he’s tittering and on the top of his toes. The little shit doesn’t even look happy, just shocked, unhinged and—hey, why does he look sort of scared.
“Shut up! I don’t walk around being ashamed of what I want like you! I’m not so weak hearted!” He screams , his whole body erupts in goosebumps.
“Ah!” Deku yells, he’s muttering stuff like , maybe Kacchan’s right and a million other things.
When Katsuki hears the tail end of Deku’s hearty utterance of “is this Kacchan’s way of encouraging me—waahh”, he decides he can’t possibly overheat anymore and shoves Deku aside.
“That’s it I’m outta here!” He growls and starts stomping away.
“K-Kacchan ! Wait!”
Oh fuck, and Deku is right behind him, same as usual.
Well—Katsuki flushes down to his chest as he recalls every single time Deku has done the exact thing he’s doing right now but with a tint of everything he’s revealed—at least he knows Deku really wasn’t lying.
“Fuck off Deku!” He says and let’s off a few blasts.
He tries to calm his heart down when he sees answering green sparks.