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It’s the first time Eishi tried a beer out of a can. He had never thought about drinking beers before since he only drank two types of drinks. It's either black coffee or coffee with no sugar and milk to the point his body was filled with caffeine. Well, the only drink he liked besides coffee was water. Eishi only sipped the beer once before he gave the rest to Satoshi. He couldn't stand its bitterness and acidity--he didn't have a sweet tooth, either, however, it tasted way worse than coffee. He cringed at the idea of trying the beer for the second time.
“What happened?” Satoshi teased him, snickering. “Wait, did you expect the taste would be as sweet as strawberry milk or something?”
Eishi ignored him. He grabbed a bottle of water next to him instead, drinking the water until it remained half. He still had the terrible taste of the beer in his memory.
“Hey, you’re eighteen, but this is your first time drinking a beer?” Satoshi once again tested him by asking a dumb question. “Are you for real?”
Eishi took a deep breathe. “And you get under my skin. I swear to God …”
Satoshi tried to suppress his giggling but ended up bursting into loud laughter. Eishi made a mental note that Satoshi was not only skilled at cooking, but he’s also pro at annoying people. He got it why Kinokuni or Julio saying their blood boiled every time they’re dealing with Satoshi. He’s infuriating.
“Anyway, congratulations on your graduation, Eishi-senpai,” Satoshi lifted the beer before he drank it, toasting with the air for Eishi.
The world felt like it stopped spinning for a while when Satoshi said his name. Senpai, he repeated. Eishi-Senpai, his voice rang in his ears. The way Satoshi called him by his given name was a bit surprising. It didn't mean he disliked it, he liked it somehow. He just couldn't think why did Satoshi call him by his name when he always addressed someone by their surname.
It made Eishi wonder if he's against the same person as someone next to him since Satoshi, who was his opponent in the fourth bout of regimen de cuisine, sounded colder as if they were being estranged. He remembered Satoshi called him Tsukasa-senpai before he changed his tone and called him Tsukasa-san when he's annoyed in the next seconds.
At the moment, as Eishi sat on the hood of a car that was parked on the side of a quiet road while looking up at the night sky and watching a plane as it flew by, he was relieved that Satoshi wasn't as cold--or maybe he had never been cold, it's just Eishi being overthinking. Satoshi remained friendly exactly like someone he knew before central and rebels didn't exist.
"So, you're finally free from elite ten duties, eh?” Satoshi jested, breaking his reverie. The world that he felt like it stopped for a while was spinning again.
“Uh, yeah, you’re right. I don’t have to deal with a bunch of paperwork anymore,” Eishi said as he took another sip of the water. “And congrats on you guys' victory, too.”
Victory, the word echoed in his head. No matter how hard he denied it, he couldn’t keep lying to himself. His loss against the rebels was kind of hurtful. Oh, it’s not just kind of, but it’s so hurtful. Tsukasa Eishi, the first seat, the best student in the academy, was badly defeated by his underclassmen, in his final year of high school.
Satoshi flashed him a smile as he looked at Eishi, holding out a fist for a fist bump. “Well, we’re foes yesterday, but bros tonight.”
Eishi didn't get it at first. He just stared at Satoshi's clenched fist, frowning, but then Satoshi lightly tapped each other's clenched fists. Both were chuckling.
Again, the world stopped spinning. It didn’t just slow down, no; it hit the brake and time stopped flowing. Nothing was moving except his heart that skipped a beat.
For these past weeks, Eishi felt like he’s dying. His loss against the rebels left an invisible scar as if there’s a huge hole in his soul. His world was falling apart and he didn’t know how to rebuild it.
But tonight, when Satoshi asked him out, cheering him up with his lame jokes, and buying him bottles of canned beer to celebrate his graduation or whatever Satoshi was thinking, he thought his world was not that broken or maybe he watched Satoshi collecting the shattered pieces, helping him to rebuild his world.
Here, Satoshi sat next to him, brought Eishi to life. His world was slowly recovering.
“Once again to celebrate your graduation, cheers!” Satoshi lifted the beer before he drank it.
And the universe was back to normal. The time started flowing. Oh, his heart was beating again. Eishi released a breath he didn't realize he had been holding.
“A canned beer always tastes horrible,” Satoshi complained as he turned the can upside down, to make sure the beer was already empty. “A rice juice by Sakaki-kun tastes so much better.”
Eishi shrugged. “But you chugged it down, eh?’
Satoshi crushed the can into shape. “Uh, at least, I managed to finish two-can beers, not throwing them up?”
Eishi hit Satoshi with a bottle of water lightly. Playful laughs tripped off their lips, brief before a heavy silence fell upon them. Satoshi took a sip of the beer again as Eishi looked up to the sky, watching another plane flew by, leaving them behind.
The planes always reminded Eishi of his ambition to be the best. Firstly, he’s so optimistic that he could become the greatest cook because he believed it's the only thing he could achieve since he's not really good at anything but cooking. He had been suffering from anxiety and obsessive-compulsive that made him find it hard to enjoy his days, but whenever he’s cooking, he could find peace. When he’s cooking, his confidence level was increasing. Eishi didn’t have to worry about anything because he knew the dish he served was always beyond high quality.
Eishi then dreamed bigger. He didn’t only want to be the greatest cook, but he wished he could always be standing at the top. Perfect. He’s pursuing perfection.
Little by little, Eishi was pursuing his dreams; being the number one student of Tootsuki, being the best chef among his generation. Just a few steps away from achieving his dreams, Eishi had imagined that he would leave Japan, flying from country to country, visiting place to place, learning from one another, until he finally managed to stand on the real pinnacle, becoming a world-recognized chef. Perfect.
However, a couple of weeks ago, his dream of becoming the greatest chef in the world was crushed. How could the greatest chef be defeated easily by his two underclassmen? How could he pursue perfection when he’s not even perfect? Every time he remembered his defeat in regimen de cuisine, recalling the happy faces of the rebels, seeing how disappointed Azami and his teammates were, he felt his chest tight. The image of being the greatest chef was also blurred like an airplane in flight hitting the cliff hard. Boom. Crushed.
Eishi looked back, seeing the plane was getting farther, farther, and farther away until it’s gone and impossible to catch. Eishi thought maybe the plane was the dream that left him behind.
With a deep sigh, he’s laying on the hood of a car, stretching out his hands to the sky as if he’s going to catch one of the stars above. Every time he watched the night sky, he could forget the world for a while.
“Anyway,” Satoshi said, the sound of the beer cracking open was breaking the ice between them. “Are you alright?”
Eishi held his breath for a second before he nodded. He didn't even bother to look at Satoshi.
“Okay, uh, if I’m being honest, I hate it when it’s too quiet like this. I can’t stand it, for real,” Satoshi sipped the beer despite he complained the taste was terrible. “I know something is hanging over your head and it seems like bothering you. So, I think it would be better to tell if you want to. I’m all ears.”
He didn’t answer Satoshi right away, letting out a breath he held. He felt like even breathing was tiring. Eishi sat back down, patting his dust-soiled back.
“Isshiki, are you a psychic or what?” Eishi asked jokingly. “You always know something is hanging over my head.”
“Gosh, it’s so obvious. It’s all written over your face.”
“You’re right, but it’s not a big deal, though,” Eishi tried to convince him he’s okay as a smile crossed his face. “And, hey, you said the beer tasted horrible, but why are you drinking it again, eh?”
Satoshi looked at Eishi, shrugging before he took another sip of beer. “Well, I bought a few canned beers to celebrate your graduation, but you couldn’t even drink one sip. It’s such a waste if we throw them away, right?”
“Oh, jeez, are you trying to guilt-trip me?”
Peals of laughter burst from deep within as he handed him a can of beer again, convincing him to try it once more. Reluctantly, Eishi took the beer, trying to sip it down. He still remembered the weird bitterness of the beer on his tongue.
Eishi then tried to gulp it down, but no longer after that, he spitted out the beer.
“Oh, my God, I can’t stand it!” Eishi shuddered with horror, still not believing that beer was one of the most favorite beverages of many people out there.
“Come on, try it again. I bet you’ll get used to it.”
Eishi didn’t want to, but Satoshi was annoying. Satoshi would keep insisting until he said yes, so he took another sip of the beer. One sip, two sips, three sips. Eishi managed to not spit out the beer.
“What do you think? It’s not that bad, isn't it?”
“Ugh,” Eishi complained before taking another sip.
Satoshi gaped. “Whoa! Look! You did it!”
Eishi burped. Satoshi couldn’t help but laugh at him. No, he wasn’t drunk. Not yet. However, he felt different from before—feeling like … more relaxed? He’s not sure, though. He didn’t finish the beer.
He didn’t even drink half of the canned beer, however, he already felt the effect. His throat was burning, his body got warmer. Maybe the reason was many people love drinking beers wasn't that they liked the taste, they just wanted the aftereffects. Now Eishi understood why some people loved to drink beers just because they wanted to escape from reality for a while.
The boy exhaled, his eyes now on Satoshi. “Thank you,” he blurted that made Satoshi frowned. “There’s something I have been thinking about and you’re right, it bothers me a lot.”
“Hold on. You’re not drunk, aren’t you? I bought the beers with low alcohol content …”
Eishi nodded.
“I feel empty these past days,” he started telling. Satoshi’s worries about him getting drunk disappeared upon seeing his weary face. “I feel so sick. I even think that breathing is exhausting.”
Eishi averted his gaze from Satoshi to look up at the sky because he thought it’s way easier to express everything on his mind than when he looked at Satoshi. The night sky calmed him somehow.
“Have you ever thought that you’d rather disappear?” A question that slipped out of his mouth made Satoshi’s a little surprised, but he remained silent and keep listening. “I mean, not to be dead, but, like … disappear or maybe you’ve never been born.”
Another plane flew, passing them again. His eyes followed the plane until it’s gone.
“Or, hey, do you believe that a parallel world exists? I know it sounds ridiculous, but I believe that,” he quavered. “Maybe Eishi in a parallel world is way happier than Eishi here who is pathetic and disappointing many people.”
Eishi felt his chest was burning and heavy. He did not understand, it’s because either of the aftereffects of the beer he drank or something else.
“You know my personality would likely drive people away, right? Maybe because I’m weird? Abnormal?”
“Hey—”
“It’s true, Isshiki. I find it hard to be friends with anyone since I’m self-focused? I find it hard to think about anyone or anything else besides me.”
There’s a heavy silence for a few seconds. They let the wind blew their faces, feeling it’s getting more and more bone-chilling. Eishi sipped the beer reluctantly. He just wanted to keep his body warm.
“Maybe if Rindou didn’t want to befriend me, I would end up alone with no friends at all,” Eishi chuckled, snorting. “Even if she is my only close friend, I can’t even tell her whatever is on my mind. She’s a great friend, but … I don’t know. It’s just hard.”
Eishi looked at Satoshi and their eyes met. He held his breath for a moment while Satoshi remained silent, unlike his usual self. He couldn’t read his expression at all. However, Satoshi’s gaze couldn’t leave him.
“I can’t believe that you always try to cheer me up,” Eishi added as he exhaled all the air in his lungs. “You know, we rarely meet and if you still remember, we’re opponents yesterday.”
“I hate seeing you stressed out, to be honest,” he spoke again after remaining silent for minutes.
“Yeah, before you were a rebel, you used to help me so I wasn't too tired,” Eishi sighed and dragged his teeth across his lower lip. “Since I was in central, my anxiety was getting worse. Teaching from class to class, meeting a lot of students and people outside school …, those things drained me out. I felt burnout.”
And then Satoshi handed him a bottle of water. Eishi took it, blinking. “Thank you? Wait, you didn’t ask me to drink beer again?”
“You look tired. I mean, if you want to drink the beer, go ahead, but don’t be drunk. I’ll have a hard time.”
Satoshi snickered while Eishi just shook his head, grinning. He drank the water until nothing was left. He breathed in, looking up again to see the night sky. He always enjoyed stargazing.
There were a lot of things on his mind to the point they made Eishi felt like he’s going to explode. His thoughts were so loud in his head, but he didn’t know how to put them into words. Maybe if he kept bottling up his emotions, he would explode. Eishi could even barely breathe.
Next to him, Satoshi looked as he was the opposite of Eishi. The boy seemed he’s got nothing to worry about. Honestly. Eishi was always envious of him. Satoshi always acted happy-go-lucky, having fun, laughing out loud, and giving positive energy as if he didn’t have any burdens to bear.
Maybe it’s the reason Satoshi asked him out, dragging him from his bed, and convincing him to drink beers. He tried to help him ease his mind, to lighten the burdens on his shoulders.
Eishi stopped looking up, turning his gaze to Satoshi, and his eyes were fixated on his. After all this time, he just realized how bright Satoshi’s eyes were even if they’re under the dim streetlights. They also looked deep, as if the longer Eishi stared at them, he could fall into them and drowning, sinking.
“What happened?” Satoshi’s voice startled him from his thoughts. His heart skipped a beat as the blood rushed to his face. “Is there any bugs or are you admiring my face, eh?”
“Ugh,” he groaned in embarrassment, throwing his head back. A small chuckle escaped Satoshi’s lips again. “Please, don’t do this to me.”
“So, you’re admiring my face, aren’t you?”
“Oh, my God, you’re getting on my nerves!”
Satoshi’s laughter got softer before he stopped himself from laughing. He always joked around, he liked teasing. That’s the only thing Eishi hated about him. And then Satoshi lifted his canned beer, asking Eishi to a toast.
“I’m afraid that I’ll get drunk.”
“Don’t be drunk, then.”
They clinked their canned beers, drinking it down until nothing was left. It’s the third canned beer that Satoshi had drunk and—he still didn’t believe—it’s his very first canned beer he’s drunk in his entire life.
“Isshiki--” Not having a chance to finish the sentence, Satoshi put his hand in his, holding it. Eishi felt a flutter in the pit of his stomach as Satoshi tightened his grip, worse was when Satoshi looked him in the eyes. He forgot how to breathe suddenly.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” Satoshi said in a hoarse voice like he’s whispering. The way Satoshi held his hand made him forget how to form sentences out of words he didn’t remember how to pronounce. “Take a break, you deserve it.”
Eishi widened his eyes, slightly taken aback by the words Satoshi had said.
“Do you know why is your anxiety getting worse? It’s probably because you’ve been stressing out about unnecessary things.”
Eishi pulled away from Satoshi. He couldn’t stare at him any longer, so he averted his gaze to the sky. He let a long sigh. Maybe Satoshi was right that the one who made his anxiety get worse was himself. Eishi couldn’t stop thinking about things he should have forgotten. He couldn’t shake the memory of his defeat yesterday. The more he tried to forget it, the more he remembered it all too well.
“Maybe you’re right …, but my anxiety just can’t go away no matter how hard I try. Even if when I’m asleep, I have to wake up because I keep having nightmares. I can’t even sleep at all sometimes.”
He remembered since his loss against the rebels, he hadn’t slept sound like he used to. Every day he felt like he’s haunted by his fears, guilt, and despair. Eishi sometimes saw his hands shake for no reason, his heart pounded so loud, sweats cold run all over his body, and his head throbbed in pain.
Eishi was scared if once he’s too overwhelmed, he could end up losing his sanity. He’s been trying to control his own emotions even though his burdens were getting heavier as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders.
And then Satoshi wrapped an arm around Eishi’s shoulder and pulls him close, stroking his arm.
“Whatever you’re thinking about right now, you’ll be alright, okay?” Satoshi’s voice was gentle. The way he said it was comforting. “You’re not alone. I’m right here.”
Despite the heaviness in his stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of his body pressed against Satoshi’s. He sank into the warmth of his side, appreciative of the simple gesture. Satoshi’s touch made the room warmer, and the burdens on his shoulders were lightened somehow.
“Not everything has gone to plan, but …,” Satoshi paused for a moment before he added, “You’ve tried so hard. You’ve given everything the best you have and that’s great.”
Eishi thought maybe he’s going to burst. He clenched his fists tightly till the nails dug into his palms. The emotions he’d bottled up for his life, he’s finally able to let them out. He’d never shown his vulnerability to anyone, not even to Rindou.
The words that Satoshi had said made him feel better. Eishi had worked so hard all this time and someone acknowledged his effort at last. People barely cared about how hard he had worked, they never understood the energy and passion he put in his dishes. They only talked about how genius he was, thinking his dishes were delicious just because he was the first seat, but not even bother to appreciate his effort.
That’s why his loss against Yukihira and Nakiri in the last bout still frustrated him. Eishi was obsessed with perfection. He had made the best he had and sure it’s the best dish he’s ever created. However, the result was disappointing.
“I wanted to be perfect,” Eishi said, stopping to take a deep breath. He let it all out in one sigh. He loathed feeling weak, yet he allowed Satoshi to see him when he was not as strong. “I wanted to pursue perfection and I failed.”
Satoshi cracked open another canned beer. The sound of scattering beer foams broke the sudden silence. He handed it to Eishi, offering him to take a beer once more. Eishi was about to shake his head, he’s afraid that he would get drunk, but he then took it and sipped it down.
“I almost gave up on cooking, to be honest,” Satoshi said that made Eishi choke on the beer. Satoshi was a passionate teenager, so Eishi was hardly to believe Satoshi’s almost giving up. “You know my family pushed me to be perfect. The idea of ‘I cannot’ shouldn’t be tolerated in one of Isshiki family.”
Eishi stopped sipping the beer. He looked at him from the side. Eishi was not good at understanding people’s feelings, but he sure he could see the change in his face. His cheerful energy seemed to wane.
“My family was so demanding and it’s sickening,” Satoshi breathed out before he went back to his story, “However, I obeyed them. I had to be perfect and I tried to be perfect, but no matter how hard I tried, no matter how well I did whatever they asked me to, they never praised me. They’re never proud of me. I wasn’t allowed to complain at all.”
A giggle escaped Satoshi’s lips, he still managed to give his charming smile. Well, Eishi noticed it sounded forced. Eishi was amazed that Satoshi could look like he’s alright, despite his unpleasant childhood memories sure bothered him a lot. Satoshi was always looking for ways to make things less awkward.
“My family values perfection and it reminds me of you,” he said casually. No matter how sucked Eishi at reading people’s feelings, he could tell that Satoshi’s smile wasn’t genuine. He looked hurt. “Does perfection bring you happiness, Senpai?”
“Eh?” Eishi was dumbfounded for a moment, never expecting Satoshi would ask such a question.
Eishi gritted his teeth. He stopped looking at Satoshi. Honestly, he forgot the last time he was genuinely happy, but if cooking brought some comfort to him, talking with ingredients made him feel at ease, maybe Eishi felt happy when he was cooking. However, since he met people who didn't understand his dish and when he lost to Yukihira and Nakiri yesterday, he didn’t think that cooking was enjoyable as before.
It hurt his ego. Being defeated by his underclassmen frustrated him. Cooking became a burden for him because Eishi kept demanding himself to be perfect. He hated it when his work didn’t live up to expectations. He hated it when he thought he wasn’t good enough.
Eishi didn’t want to experience it again. He didn’t want to lose to anyone. He still wanted to achieve his dreams. That’s why he kept pursuing perfection, trying the hardest. He wanted everything to be perfect to the point he couldn’t tolerate any imperfections. However, his desire to be perfect, it made him exhausted. Eishi no longer enjoyed cooking.
And then, Satoshi patted his shoulder so Eishi lifted his head, his eyes met Satoshi's again. Eishi didn’t know how to answer the question. He didn’t know if perfection made him happy or suffer.
“I … have no idea.”
“If you keep pursuing perfection, but it’s exhausting and costing your mental health, maybe you should just give up.”
“What do you mean?”
“Perfection used to make me lose my passion for everything. I didn’t find pleasure in cooking anymore. And then, I gave up.” Satoshi opened the last canned beer that he bought. He drank it before the foam scattered around. Eishi wondered how could Satoshi not get drunk even though he had drunk three canned beers and he’s about to drink it four times. “I gave up on being perfect and my family was furious. You have heard about me being a disgrace to my family, haven’t you?”
Eishi fell silent, staring at the canned beer in his hand with a blank look. He didn’t drink it again, just looking at it. He still listened to Satoshi, feeling guilty for thinking about Satoshi being always cheerful, having no burdens to bear, when in fact, he just pretended to be okay.
Taking another deep breath, Satoshi continued, “… I was completely tired of pursuing perfection. I started doing whatever I wanted to, things that I found exciting. Skipping classes, gardening, playing around, anything. I would never be happy if I kept doing things that I found them tiring. For me, someone who’s engrossed in and enjoying what they’re doing is invincible.”
“Isshiki ….”
Eishi was again taken aback. He never thought his perfectionism was crippling him and he now realized it. Being perfect was always one of his ambitions, but he forgot his happiness. Maybe Satoshi was right that Eishi had to give up on pursuing perfection if it’s killing him slowly. Eishi just had to fight to achieve his dreams without ignoring his well-being.
A gentle smile crossed Satoshi’s face. He took Eishi’s hand again, holding it. It was tighter than he did before. Satoshi’s hand always felt warm against his and the way he held his hand gave him strength somehow. Eishi was relieved to find out he’s not alone.
“So, please stop pursuing perfection, Senpai, because all that matters is your happiness.”
And then, Satoshi leaned toward Eishi, pressing his lips to his. Eishi froze for a moment, he couldn’t even move a single limb. However, his heartbeat so loud against his ribcage, he’s going to burst like fireworks in the night sky.
The kiss was slow and soft, comforting as if everything that caused him pain faded away. Satoshi took his face in his hands, tracing his cheekbones and jawlines with his fingers. It’s like Satoshi knew his pain and he’s trying to erase it. It’s like he’s bringing Eishi back to life with every brush of their lips.
At the next second, Eishi was able to move again. He threw his arms around Satoshi’s neck, pulling him close, kissing him back. The way Satoshi pushed his lips in more firmly and the wave that ran through him was intoxicating. His lips tasted like beer, but this time, Eishi didn’t complain about the taste at all.
They broke the kiss slowly, hesitantly, their foreheads resting against each other as they breathed the same air, lips were trembling with the desire and with the anxiety that came with a first kiss.
“You make me feel alive,” Eishi said with a low voice, his hands tangled into Satoshi’s soft hair to keep them close. He’s looking him in the eyes as his lips curved into a smile, secret and small. “For the first time, I feel like I finally can breathe.”
Satoshi beamed at him and Eishi thought his smile was as bright as the stars above.
The night sky was black, endless, with only a sprinkling of twinkling stars as decoration, and Eishi shrank into Satoshi, snuggling up against him. As Satoshi wrapped his arms around him, Eishi looked up at the sky, watching the stars overhead, counting the planes as they flew by.
And at the moment, next to Satoshi, Eishi breathed a sigh of relief as if the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. He tried to forget all his problems and let himself feel at ease. Maybe everything would turn out all right.