Chapter Text
There is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock People so tired mutilated either by love or no love ~Charles Bukowski
Jeongguk is soaked in sweat, a flim of glistening presipitation drips down from his forehead and he resists the urge to swipe it. The heavy waist coat clings to his back in a sticky mess, rendering futher movement uncomfortable. He swats down on the dusty floor, shaky knees giving away and he cannot determine whether the ground is quaking because of the uproar or is it just him. He clenches his hands in a tight fist over his thighs to possess some grounding.
"Bangtan! Bangtan!Bang-" the dull screams of A.R.M.Ys spreads over him and he burys the urge to clamp his hands over his ears. Someone is calling his name hastily and suddenly there are two firm hands hoisting him up through his arms, dragging him away from the defeaning scream of the fan chants. His head droops as the strength slowly oozes out of his muscles in exchange of pain and exhaustion.
Once he enters the dressing room, the arms leave him and he makes a beeline for the couch. Shedding his jacket over the still chair making it twirl, he plunges on the too hard cushions ignoring the stares of the managers. A hands passes him a bottle of water and it isn't until the cool liquid is hitting his throat that he feels so grateful, never having realised how his tongue felt so fat inside his mouth. The same hand is wiping away at the side of his neck with pads of tissues with a gentleness only familiar to Seokjin. Jeongguk raises his head and smiles.
"You worked hard today. Don't overdo yourself." Jin whispers, deliberately keeping his voice low as he passes more pads of tissues to Jeongguk. He doesn't respond averting his eyes instead as he clutches the bottle too tightly.
He hears Seokjin sigh and wonders if his hyung is already exhausted with him. Sounds of boisterious laughter fills up the almost empty dressing room. Rapid footsteps and giggles approaching fast. Jeongguk marvels at how they even have the energy left after such gruelling performance. Maybe he is getting old he thinks as he leans back on the wall and closes his eyes. Heart chruning in tempest when he hears the deep laughter again.
***
Jeongguk likes doing a lot of things at the same time. Call him a multitasker if you will. He has this uncanny habit of keeping himself busy while the noise in his head quiets down in a mere whisper. He doesn't remember his younger self being this way, thinking he must have picked it up from one of the Hyungs but he does not remember ever seeing this particular feature.
Jeongguk likes doing a lot of things at the same time, to distract himself from his own thoughts. It is a hard feat to accomplish when a person just has his thought process to thrive for. Analysisng his actions, behaviour and words to the point of self hatred. Jeongguk refuses to think that he hates himself.
He is playing overwatch and brainstorming some ideas for a new song, scribbling the pen above his notebook when he hears a knock on the door. Pausing his game, he strains his head toward Namjoon's bed and finds it empty.
"Yeah," he calls out, dragging the vowels. He turns his chair slightly when the door opens. Taehyung hovers awkwardly on the doorway, one hand on the frame while the other pushes the door apart. Jeongguk's heart leaps in his throat.
"Can I come in?" Taehyung asks hesitantly, and Jeongguk hates him for that.
"Of course hyung, you don't have to ask." He pushes the notebook under his table as discreetly as possible, feeling guilty because he does not hide things from Taehyung. The latter makes his way in and sits on the edge of Namjoon's bed.
"It has been a long time since I played overwatch with you." Taehyung says quiety, his voice rumbling in his throat, long fingers fiddling with his sleeves. Jeongguk turns fully to look at him and immediately regrets because no one taught hin how to look at Taehyung.
Because Taehyung is overtly overwhelming when he is so close. All too much, too much. Jeongguk catches sight of the delicate collarbone peaking out from Taehyung's pajamas and clears his throat.
"You didn't come here to say that did you?" Jeongguk's tone is light and Taehyung smiles, bashful. Looks up at Jeongguk and tugs his shoulder in embarrassment.
"Jin hyung wanted me to check on you." Taehyung admits while Jeongguk sighs watching Taehyung grow tense. Both having terrible repulsions to the simple human behaviour of sighing.
"I am not a kid anymore hyung. You don't need to trouble yourself." And it's true Jeongguk is not a kid anymore, having shed his childhood eight years ago when he first auditioned for being a trainee. Twenty years old now, he does not know what it feels like to be a child or a teenager. He was thrust on the arms of six brothers at the mere age when all his counterparts were hiting puberty. Instead of growing bratty he learnt to share, because the things they owned together were so trifle.
Instead of developing his own identity, he picked up the behaviour of his hyungs quite like the way he picks up clothes from the floor to do the laundry. Now, he does not know which part of him is still himself. Cannot distinguish among the myraids of his idiosyncrasies.
Instead of his parent's hands over his head, he has Jin pushing a plate with extra meat toward him. Namjoon's hand clasping over his shoulders because they both know showing skinship is not the only way of comfort and sometimes it is. Yoongi's silent permission to Jeongguk in his studio, teaching him how notes and tunes combine to make a music. Hoseok's gentle carass on his hair, forehead kisses when things go particularly bad. Jimin's quiet laughter, the way he is Jeongguk's bestfriend in a world where friends are so capricious. Instead of lusting over girls, falling in love, developing crushes he-
"Sometimes I wish you were still a kid like back during debut days. " Taehyung's voice breaks the quiet.
"Everyone changes V." Jeonngok swallows, had not meant for the words to leave his mouth. However, the damage is done because Taehyung is smiling so prettily.
"Don't I know that?" He breathes out and stands up. Jeongguk hunts his brain for another topic, another conversation, any anecdote, anything to prevent Taehyung from leaving. "But take care of yourself alright? Let's watch an anime tomorrow. I saw a new one the other day." Taehyung ruffles his hair and just like that he is gone like a breeze, his footsteps padding out of the room.
Jeongguk releases a breath, he did not know he was holding. Pulling out his notebook to look at the world scrawled on it. Anger surges through his entire body, disgust in trail with her ugly fingers over his ribcage. He tears of the paper haphazardly throwing it in the bin and thinks sometimes he hates himself more than anything.
I wish love was as perfect as love itself