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The moment Grian broke the news that Taurtis had returned, Bdubs knew it wasn’t going to be a smooth road forward.
Sure, most of the other hermits went about their lives as normal, giving Grian a congratulatory pat on the back or a teasing eyebrow raise when they saw him eagerly packing a set of shulker boxes. After all, most of the other hermits knew how it felt to lose one half of themselves. Not all of them knew how it felt to have their missing half suddenly return after years of disappearance, but nonetheless they wished him a safe trip. I would want to visit them too , if they returned, most of them said. It’s only for a few weeks, and he’ll be back and happier than ever, for good or for worse.
Most, however, was a key word.
“I’m not jealous.”
Bdubs sighed, leaning against Larry’s door frame. The jungle’s heat was sticking to his skin like an incessant cobweb, no matter how much he fanned himself with the JOIN HEP poster he’d found tacked on Larry’s door. “No, you’re not. You’re worried, though,” he offered half-heartedly. The heat seemed to pull his focus away from helping Scar and towards distant thoughts…. yeah, it was the heat. Of course it was the heat. Damned heat.
Scar shifted slightly on his feet before plopping into the nearest chair with a huff. “I should be happy for him,” he mumbled, not meeting Bdubs' eyes. The mayor hugged his knees to his chest before continuing, “He’ll only be gone for a few weeks, after all. It’ll be fine. It should be fine.”
It should be fine . Bdubs opened his mouth to say something - he always knew what to say - but a needling heaviness weighed on his shoulders and mind, whispering things he knew he shouldn’t say. Things that were true, but the truth isn’t what he needs right now.
This isn’t about you, Bdubs. It never is.
In Bdubs’s silence, Scar reached a hand onto the table to pet Jellie, who rolled over and purred in response. “You love me though, Jellie, don’t you?” he cooed at the cat. “You’ll love me if no one will?”
“Oh, come on now, Scar,” Bdubs immediately replied. Smile, it’ll make him smile too . He was speaking a mile a minute, but he could barely even keep his voice level. “Grian still loves you, you know that. He just hasn’t seen Taurtis for years.”
“I know, I know,” Scar sighed. He smiled tightly, but his usually-brilliant green eyes remained dull and downcast. “I just- I don’t know, I just feel…”
“... shadowed?” Bdubs suggested, sitting down on the floor next to Scar like he always did.
“That’s the word.” Scar leaned his head against the chair’s back and closed his eyes briefly. “I’m not scared that he doesn’t love me. I’m just scared he doesn’t love me as much anymore.”
Bdubs swallowed thickly, finding himself at a loss of words again - how was this possible? It wasn’t that he didn’t understand how Scar felt; he knew it all too well, too well indeed . It was just… he was supposed to feel bad for Scar, wasn’t he? Bdubs, friend to all, the social butterfly of the server. If anyone understood how social cues and empathy worked, it was him.
So why didn’t he feel anything?
The answer was dangling right before his eyes, but he chose to look away. He absently watched as Scar’s shadow shifted over his ripped jeans. If he was crying, Bdubs couldn’t hear. The voices in his mind grew, the Enforcer, employee of the month, Cub this, Cub that… shadowed, that was all he knew. His dark oak and diamond seat sat in the shadow of the glistening Diamond Throne, he stood under Cub’s shadow in Scar’s office, he stood under the shadow of Cub’s eye of ender while pitching ideas to the mayor, shadow, shadow, second best , it was all he knew, and it was Scar’s doing and he knew that. How do you comfort someone when they’re going through the same shit they put you through? Because he couldn’t just tell Scar he wasn’t going to comfort him because of his own trauma, no. But the resent dug deep, like a needle slowly digging its way under his skin, tempting him to say it, to free himself of the nagging doubts and shadows and-
“I don’t want to be the second resort, you know? Like, a second choice or second best-”
The harsh yet truthful words rose into his throat, but Bdubs pushed them down. “You won’t be second best.” His voice sounded robotic, like a broken record. “You're not replaceable, no one is. Everyone who loves us, loves us and needs us for unique reasons. He loves you just as much as he loves Taurtis. You won’t be second best.”
You won’t be second best . Bdubs bit his lip. The needle lodged itself in his throat, sending shooting burns down into his heart as he swallowed. Was this what he would’ve wanted to hear? What if Scar had told him this while he crouched on the small diamond stool, squinting through the diamond blocks’ blinding flashes? Did he really believe what he had just said? He passed Scar a handkerchief. You won’t be second best.
You won’t be second best, Scar.
But maybe you deserve to be.