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Anxiety boiled under Julie’s skin and she hoped this wasn’t how Alex dealt with it all the time. If she felt like this all the time she’d probably spend her free time banging on drums and screaming in museums too. Luke and Reggie sat on either side of her, both boys held her hands trying to help her say what she was trying to say. “Julie,” Luke said. She couldn’t help but turn her head to look at him. Those damn puppy dog eyes stared back at her, begging for her to talk to them. “Just tell us what’s wrong.” Julie let out a shaky laugh because that’s what tripped her up. There wasn’t anything wrong with her or with them.
“Nothing’s wrong Luke,” Julie said, raising her hand to gently cup his face. Luke leaned into her touch and Reggie nuzzled into her shoulder, trying to get her attention again. How was one supposed to tell two of your bandmates you were in love with them at the same time? She knew the concept of romantic love was an uncomfortable topic for Reggie to talk about but she couldn’t hide the feelings she felt towards her boys anymore.
Not after they performed at the Orpheum together like that , the chemistry between the three of them electrifying the entire stage. Not after everything they’ve been through - Alex would be here for this conversation too if he hadn’t found Willie - and she realized that the love in her heart could be given to more than just Flynn. Flynn who she kissed at school today, and Carrie who Julie kissed at school yesterday after she apologized and complemented their Orpheum debut. But her boys didn’t know about that yet, about her dating Flynn and Carrie, and about how the girls were one hundred percent into bringing the boys into the fold. Her girls wanted to be there for her when she talked to her boys, but she told them this was something she had to do on her own.
“Julie you’re scaring me,” Reggie mumbled, scrunching his hand through her hair, massaging her skull. Julie couldn’t help but relax at his touch, she let Luke guide her hand back to her lap as Reggie continued to play with her hair. After taking a few minutes to compile her thoughts Julie chuckled, her boys both looked at her with confusion written across their faces.
“What’s so funny mariposa ?” Luke asked her, moving so close to her that their noses were just barely touching each other. Julie chuckled again, shaking her head as her chuckle turned into laughter. Crystal clear laughter that rang through her bedroom despite tears starting to roll down her cheeks.
“Julie?” Reggie asked softly, intertwining their fingers together. Julie squeezed her eyes shut in response and took a deep breath. Squeezing his hand back Julie opened her eyes again, finally ready to tell her boys she loved them.
“It started in uh… fourth grade I think,” Julie said, finding herself starting from her very first gay panic. Luke’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“What did?” He asked, reaching up to brush a few loose curls behind her ear.
“My crush on Flynn,” Julie said, finally admitting the words out loud. Luke’s face twisted as he tried to process what she said, Reggie wasn’t better off. She was a little worried she broke both of them so she cleared her throat and continued. “I didn’t realize what it was at first but then one day I started thinking she was pretty and beautiful instead of cool and nice and I sort of put two and two together… and then we met Carrie and god that just made everything worse.” Once she started talking she couldn’t stop. Her words tumbled out of her, discombobulated and twisty but she was finally telling her boys the truth. As terrifying as this was she had to do it, she knew about Alex and she knew Reggie and Luke kissed one time so they deserved to know what she was too. “Because suddenly instead of it only being Flynn I had two huge crushes and with Carrie came Nick which meant I finally had a crush on a boy like a normal girl -” Luke cut her off, pulling her in for a hug so she could catch her breath.
“There’s nothing wrong with you if you like girls Julie,” Luke said, and Julie regretted meeting his eyes the second she did. He looked like he was a kicked puppy, that his hopes and dreams were just snuffed out and taken away from him. Julie’s heart twisted in her chest so she leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Luke’s forehead.
“I don’t just like girls Luke,” Julie said, trying to explain how she felt. She turned to Reggie and gave the bassist his own kiss, causing him to flush all the way down to his neck. “I like everyone Luke, not just Flynn and Carrie and Nick.” She took a breath, inhaling through her nose and out through her mouth like her therapist taught her.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Reggie asked, still looking flustered from her kiss. Julie reached up to lightly run her thumb against his cheek, his hand reached up to hold her wrist. “Jules, what’s going on?” Reggie asked, starting to look slightly panicked. Luke reached across Julie’s chest and ran his hand through Reggie’s hair, the motion calming the bassist slightly.
“Reg I -” Julie cut herself off with a weak choking sound. Enough, she has to get this out otherwise it was going to eat at her for the rest of her life. “I love you both and Alex too… and I’m polyamorous,” Julie said, the word whispered into the air. Luke frowned slightly, but he didn’t look disgusted or insulted. Reggie didn’t look like he hated Julie like she feared they would. Instead a look of recognition settled on their faces and they huddled closer to her on Luke’s couch, wrapping their strong warm arms around her as she cried.
“Julie we both love you… but we don’t know what that… what polysexual means. Is it one of the newer labels Alex is learning about?” Luke asked, brushing Julie’s hair back, out of her face. Julie refused to look at him, keeping her focus on playing with her polysexual colored friendship bracelet. She made one for each of her people, her way to show her love for them. Julie had made three more the night after she performed Bright with her boys but she was too afraid that they didn’t love her back.
“Yeah I guess uh… it wasn’t really a thing when you guys were alive. Polysexual basically means I love more than one person at a time, like… like I’m dating multiple people but they all know so it’s not really cheating as long as we communicate with each other. Communication’s key in any successful relationship,” Julie explained, glancing at Reggie to see how he was going to react.
“Jules look at me,” Luke said quietly, running his thumb across her knuckles. Julie didn’t want to look at him though. Because looking at Luke would make the whole thing so much more real . “Jules,” Luke insisted, using his free hand to cup her cheek and turn her face to look at him. “The boys and I - including Alex - we all love you. More than being just friends Jules. Aside from Alex, cause he’s the gayest out of all of us. Reg and I love you too Jules, mi mariposa, we love you a million times over.” Julie could feel her tears staining his shirt as she dived forward for a hug, burying her face into his shoulder.
“Hey!” Reggie exclaimed after a few minutes, “where’s my hug and kiss?” Julie let out a water laugh and Luke dried her tears. He nodded at Reggie,
“He really is a good kisser Jules,” Luke said with a glint in his eyes. Julie turned to face the bassist and toyed with the collar of his leather jacket. She let her eyes flicker up and down, checking him out in the fullest sense of the word.
“ Jules - ” Reggie whined, only to be cut off by her pressing her lips against his. Her chest filled with warmth as the kiss rolled through her body. Her eyelids fluttered as Reggie managed to push forward, taking over the kiss with wide gleeful eyes. Julie let out an embarrassing moan when Luke wrapped his arms around her from behind and pulled her back into his chest, breaking up the kiss. Luke leaned his head down to press a soft kiss at the top of her head and she tilted her head up to smile at him.
“Good?” Luke asked her, those damn golden flecks were sparkling in his eyes again. Julie nodded, then pulled him down to give him his own kiss.
“Perfect,” Julie said, breaking their kiss for a few seconds to reposition herself before Luke dove back in for a deeper, more passionate one.
The next morning when she woke up she was tucked into her bed, pajamas on and under her covers. The only thing that was different was now she had her two boys sleeping soundlessly on either side of her, curled inward, a silent promise to keep her safe.