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Renjun was surrounded by his friends until he wasn’t anymore; he was all alone, just like he’d always dreaded.
In all honesty, it was bound to happen. It almost felt like he was born to be alone. Even if that was the case, it didn’t make it any easier. Renjun didn’t want to be alone. It didn’t matter how long he’d had to prepare (basically his whole life), he didn’t want to be alone. Being alone was absolutely terrifying; having no one to share your meaningless existence with was just unbearable. No one ever there for the real ups and downs. No one to confide in or completely trust.
It was his own fault really. Renjun was never used to having anyone there for him. He felt naked, exposed, and that wasn’t a nice feeling. So he did what he always did; he pushed away the people closest to him. It really really hurt but it’s all he knew. He wanted to keep his friends, he was desperate for friends, yet he always found himself in the same place… At the end of the friendship, all alone, just like it had always been.
At the end of his friendship but angry that it had ended, even though he knew deep down that it was all his fault. It was always his fault, even if he liked to convince himself otherwise. Blaming oneself is a difficult thing to do, and Renjun always struggled with that part. He always let it get to the point where it would be messy, because feelings were always something better left in the closet. Any thoughts were always better left unsaid because nothing is worse than confrontation; well, until that’s all that was left.
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Drinking alcohol like it’s water and not the poison it is just the numb the pain was the mood of the night. Well, really it was the mood of his existence. Renjun would usually stay away from alcohol, especially when he was in the state he was currently in. But that didn’t stop him tonight. It felt like nothing was going to stop him tonight. Really, he’d just had enough. He had no one left now and there was no saving that. Mark, Jeno, Haechan, Jeno, Chenle, and Jisung were just a part of Renjun’s imagination now; they were long gone and it was all Renjun’s fault. Well, technically, it wasn’t all his fault, but he definitely didn’t help.
They were all there, until they weren’t anymore. It shouldn’t have bothered Renjun really, he always felt like an outsider anyway. But it hurt; it hurt a lot. They always called themselves the ‘dream squad,’ because their friendship was what they’d all always dreamt of. But this dream had become a nightmare that Renjun would never be able to escape.
It started off slowly. The feelings of inadequacy crept in, just like an old, unwanted friend. That was the only thing Renjun was sure that wouldn’t leave him. It’s quite sad but it’s the only thing that hasn’t left him behind yet; everything and everyone else was gone. Alcohol just amplified that fact, and this time he wasn’t too mad about it. He needed it. Renjun needed to feel something apart from feeling stuck, and alcohol definitely did its job. They had a deal, the alcohol and his brain affected by the sweet poison; Renjun would only feel when the poison soaked his veins and all he could think about was the loneliness. The loneliness that covered his mind in a thick, inescapable fog. The loneliness that he ultimately brought upon himself. He didn’t want to feel lonely but that’s all he had left. And it’s all he’ll ever have. He lost his friends, Renjun lost his dream squad, the people who were always meant to be there, and there was no turning back from that. Luckily the alcohol both numbed and amplified the pain of that loneliness until he woke up again, constantly living the same cycle with no one to confide in. It was all his fault though, and deep down he’d never forgive himself for that. He’d just have to learn to live with it instead… Until he couldn’t anymore.