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Some sort of peace flooded Dean’s body, so desperately it was almost ironic.
He didn’t know what to feel like since his life was no longer controlled by someone else. He had no idea how freedom was supposed to feel like, look like, taste like.
It didn’t actually feel different —he was never able to tell the difference between his own choices and Chuck’s scripts.
But now he knew. He was sure his life was his and his only to control.
Perhaps the feeling wasn’t peace, but excitement. Joy, because he was finally free.
It wasn’t, though. He couldn’t be happy like that. Not knowing they still had work to do.
Dean took a sip from his beer and turned to his brother. He was also quiet, but the lack of a potential catastrophe biting their asses kicked any negativity out the bunker.
Sam felt the eyes on him.
“What?”
“I can’t believe we did it, you know.”
“Yeah, me neither.”
“Chuck. We beat God , Sammy.”
Sam nodded. “What’s next, right?”
“We get Cas back. Of fucking course.”
“Dean, don’t you think-”
“What? That he won’t want me to go back for him?” His voice raised. “That he was too happy to die and we shouldn’t save him?”
Sam leaned back. He read his brother’s face.
Dean sighed. “I’m-”
“I would never suggest to leave him there. He’s family.”
Silence.
“Sam, I didn’t tell you everything. From the moment he,” Dean gulped. “He went into the Empty.”
“Okay. What happened?”
Dean put his bottle on the table behind them. He passed his hands over his face.
“He made a deal. The Empty didn’t just take him. Cas actually summoned it to save me.”
“A deal?”
“A stupid deal.” Dean’s eyes got watery. He really couldn’t replay the moment in his head without tearing apart. “He’d-” He licked his lips, spit it out. “When we wanted to get Jack out of there, Cas traded Jack’s life for his. And when he experienced a moment of true happiness, he’d be gone.”
“And what was that moment?”
“Do I really have to tell you?” Sam just stared at him. “Fuck, Sam. He told me he loved me.”
Dean’s throat got tight as he spoke. He didn’t expect telling Sam would be that hard.
Sam stayed silent for a bit. He drank from his beer and finished it. He clearly connected the dots. There was not much else to clarify.
“Shit.”
“Yeah. And the worst part is that I didn’t say anything, Sam. Not a single word. Not a single fucking gesture. I just froze and looked at him and the next thing I knew he was covered in blackness and-”
“Dean.” Sam stood in front of him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, listen to me. We’re gonna get him back.”
Sam was on his way to the kitchen for his first cup of coffee when he realized Dean had never gone to bed. For the second night in a row.
He got it, okay, he needed to save Cas as much as he needed to breathe, but if he didn’t rest he’d go nuts before finding anything helpful.
Sam considered serving him a cup, but decided better.
With his coffee in hand, he went to the library, books and boxes scattered all over the place.
Miracle laid on the floor next Dean’s feet and he got excited at the sight of Sam.
“Dean.”
He didn’t look up from the book. “I know what you’re gonna say. I’m fine.”
“Dean.”
He looked up. “Yeah?”
He had bags under his eyes, his beard was starting to grow and he looked right on miserable.
“Come on, Dean. Look at you. Take a shower, go to bed. Have you eaten?” Dean couldn’t reply. Of course. “I’ll keep investigating. I promise.”
“I found something, actually. A spell.” Dean grabbed an opened book from the floor and handed it to Sam. “I translated the whole thing. Looks promising.”
Sam’s eyebrows furrowed. It actually did.
Dean woke up from a nightmare in his room.
Not actually a nightmare, though. A memory. Cas killing himself for him again. Wasn’t he tired of giving his life to others? Why did he have to be so selfless?
Dean hadn’t had much rest since then. He managed a few hours of sleep after Sam’s insistence, but the only thing driving him was getting Cas back.
He looked at the jacket hanging on his chair. He didn’t have the guts to wash away Cas’s blood from it. It hurt to even look at it.
He washed his face and took in his stare, his eyes, his features. Wasted away. Gaunt.
He walked into the kitchen. His breakfast was served. He took the plate and went to the library.
“I think it can work. Rowena gav-”
“Rowena?”
“Yeah. I summoned her earlier. She gave me the demon blood so we’re all set.”
“Say no more.”
The lights flickered and the walls rumbled as if a storm was going down. Dean had a cut on his palm and a dark light emerged from a small bowl on the floor.
“I think it’s working,” Sam said.
A crack opened. It was black and nothing could be seen on the other side.
“I’ll be right back.”
Dean crossed the breach.
He walked into emptiness, blackness and void. He couldn’t see the floor beneath him, but he knew he wasn’t flying, nor floating.
He couldn’t see shit, actually. Not even his palm in front of his face.
“Cas!”
He heard an echo. So it was a closed space after all?
“Cas!”
More echoing. He turned to the breach. The slight shape of its border was barely distinguishable. But it was there.
“Dean?”
That voice. Castiel’s voice.
“I’m here, Cas, come on, just follow my voice, alright, I’m right here.”
“Hello, Dean.”
Dean turned around and there he was. Bright as always. Did light always follow him? How could Dean see him in there?
"We need to take your grace," Dean said. He was serious. "So you won't belong here."
Cas nodded. "I'm ready. I trust you.”
Dean pulled out an angel blade and carefully put it close next to Cas's neck.
"I'm sorry.”
Taking Cas's grace away from him felt illegal. Like he was crossing boundaries and stealing his identity.
Passing the edge of the blade across his neck, he looked into Castiel's eyes.
It was intense yet short, like they were moving to a new level of trust right there and then.
Meg’s voice —the Empty’s— filled their ears.
“Oh, boys, you didn’t think I’d just let you go away like that, huh?”
Cas's grace drained his body. His knees fainted a little.
“Let’s get the fuck outta here.”
Dean grabbed Cas by the arm and started running to the breach.
He didn’t move forward though, like the more he ran the further away it got. “No, no, no, no, no. Sam!" They kept running. "Sam!”
Sam's arm reached for them through the crack.
"Hold tight, Cas."
The Empty pulled them in, but they pulled harder. Dean felt his muscles ripping apart, but he didn’t care. Not taking them home safe was never a choice.
He kept running and so did Cas next to him, with the lifeforce of a whole battalion.
Dean was dazzled the moment Sam pulled them out of the breach.
All he knew was that he heard the portal close and that they’d actually made it to the other side. His eyes were closed tight and his arms were around Cas before he even realized what he was doing.
At this point, welcoming him back from life was an instinct.
“Don’t you ever do that again, goddamit, Cas.”
“I missed you too, Dean.”
They pulled back and Cas hugged Sam. Sam patted his back and smiled wide.
“Good to see you, man.”
Miracle came running from the bunker halls. He put his paws on Cas’s thighs and claimed his attention.
“Aw, who are you, my friend?” Cas kneeled and stroke him, looking between Sam and Dean for the answer.
“The name’s Miracle,” Dean said. “We rescued him after Chuck vanished everyone.”
“Chuck, how did you-” Cas stood up again.
“We’ll catch you up, man. It’s a long story,” Dean said.
“We won,” Sam said. “That’s what matters.”
“Now, you must be hungry,” Dean said.
Cas pursed his lips together. “And thirsty.”
Dean went to the kitchen and got him a glass of water.
Cas poured it down his throat feverishly. Dean tried not to stare. He turned to his brother.
“You cooking, Sammy?”
“Yeap. Won’t take too long.”
Sam left to the kitchen and Dean pointed to the dining table with his head. Cas gave a soft smile and followed Dean.
“Do you… want to get some rest? Maybe you’re sleepy?” Dean took a seat on the side of the table. Cas took the chair at the head.
“It’s fine. I can wait until we eat.”
Dean nodded. He looked at Cas. At his humanity. At the fact that he was right there on the flesh. Alive. Safe. He remembered everything he’d told him before-
“About what you said-”
“You don’t have to say it back, Dean.”
“Why? I need it. To be at peace with myself, man. I-” He couldn’t finish the sentence. It was still too much for him. He almost hated himself for it. “Fuck, Cas, you and Sam are everything to me.”
“I know.”
Dean looked away. He took a deep breath. “Listen, I’m so happy you’re here. Hell, I’m in cloud freaking nine. I wasn’t gonna stop until I got you back.”
“But?”
“But you deserve better than me.”
Cas shook his head. He smiled softly. “You really weren’t paying attention, were you? To what I said?”
He put a hand on the table, palm open facing up. Dean looked between Cas’s hand and his palm. Dean’s heart was pumping so fast he could feel it in his fingertips as he decided to put his right hand on Cas’s.
Dean trusted this man with his life. He trusted him with his soul and with everything in between. He knew he could let the tension creeping inside him go away, and he allowed himself to be vulnerable for once.
And damn, did it feel good.
Not even the smell of the bacon frying was as delicious.
Dean couldn’t get over the sparkly feeling in every cell of his body as he caressed Cas’s palm with his thumb. He couldn’t believe how amazing it was to slowly interlace their fingers and just let them be.
“Guys!” Sam called from the kitchen. Dean jolted away and his hand was back on his lap faster than he processed doing it. Sam added, “It’s almost ready.”
“We, uhm,” Cas said, “we should go to the kitchen?”
“Yeah. I, uh, wanted to tell you. You can… You can take my bedroom. To rest. Later. If that’s okay. I’ll give you some clean clothes if you want.”
Cas’s eyes were gentle. He looked just as happy as Dean was. “That sounds great, Dean.”
Cas ate the very last bit of his second BLT.
“Can I have another?”
“You’re probably gonna get sick of your stomach if you have more than what you’ve had,” Sam answered.
“That’s right. You must be full. Or should, at least.”
“Can’t wait for breakfast, then.”
“Ditto,” Dean said.
“I can get the dishes,” Sam said, “if you, uh, want to go to rest. Both of you.”
“It’s fine,” Dean said. “I can help you out while Cas takes a shower.”
Sam took Cas and Dean’s empty plates and piled them up on top of his. He stood up and took them to the sink.
Dean put a hand on Cas’s back as he stood up. He grabbed the used napkins and threw them away.
“You can take anything you need from my stuff. Like, anything.”
“Sure. Thank you, Dean.”
Cas started leaving.
“Except things from the pile on the- behind the- I think it’s in the closet floor now. That’s all dirty laundry.”
Dean picked up the sauces bottles from the table and put them in the fridge.
Cas giggled. “Sure. Alright.” He left the two brothers alone.
“So…” Sam teased. “You’re sharing clothes now? And your bedroom?”
“Shut up, bitch.”
“Jerk.” Dean went to stand next to Sam, drying out with a towel the dishes he washed. “How are you holding up? For real.”
“I…” He let out a breath. “We’re okay. We’re fine , actually. I’m just overwhelmed, but I’ll be okay.”
“Good.”
“Is Eileen coming tomorrow, by the way? For the… nerd thing you got going on?”
Sam snorted. “Now you want to double date?”
“That’s not what I asked.”
Sam rolled his eyes, playful. “Yes, Eileen is coming tomorrow and we’re totally binging The Hobbit.”
“Good. She’s good. For you.”
Sam handed Dean another dish. He smiled, mostly to himself, but Dean didn’t miss it. “She’s great.”
The lightheartedness in Dean the moment he saw Cas was particularly special. It was so adorable and weird, at the same time, to look at him with his clothes, sitting on the edge of his bed simply awaiting.
“I’m happy to see you made yourself at home,” Dean said. “Okay, this has always been your home, for the record.”
Cas just nodded, also light and content.
“Listen,” Dean offered, “do you want to watch some TV while I shower? Can I get you a book? I think everything’s pretty much lore but-”
“Dean.” It was solemn. As always, an honor. “I’m fine. I’ll wait for you here.”
“Cool. If you want to sleep, please do so. I know time in the Empty can be… different, right?”
“Yes. It is.”
Dean grabbed his towel and a clean PJ. Not any PJ, but his favorite one. He couldn’t believe how excited he was about using his softest, comfiest PJ just because he got to share a bed with Cas.
When had he gotten to this point?
Right, well, the moment he saw Cas die pretty much did it.
The hot water running over his back almost burned. Maybe Dean still had a lot to deal with after all. The thought of taking so damn long before finally accepting this, before realizing what had always been so clear…
He felt like he’d lost so much time he’d never get back with Cas. He wanted to feel grateful because they were finally there, and he did! He just couldn’t brush away the guilt that came along with the feeling.
How had he been so damn blind? So damn stubborn?
Dean turned off the faucet after he cleaned up like an automated robot. He stepped out of the shower, dried off and put on his clean underwear and pajamas.
Cas was lying on the left side of the bed when Dean walked into the bedroom again. He was under the covers and looked asleep.
Dean quietly sneaked in the bed next to him.
“Dean?”
Dean hushed him softly. “Go back to sleep, okay?”
“Dean.” His voice was clearer. He put his hand on Dean’s chest.
Dean covered it with his hand. It felt fantastic.
“Cas.”
Dean gathered courage and snuggled closer to Cas. Cas rested his forehead on Dean’s shoulder.
“You know,” Dean said, voice low, “a part of me always knew.” He paused, stroking Cas’s fingers and wrist. “I knew it was you. Hell, I saved you half of the bed for all these years.”
“Huh?”
“I never slept at the center of the bed. Always left your side ready for whenever this happened.”
“That’s cute.”
Dean wrapped his arm around Cas. Having him near, holding him, showing him how much he cared for him —the weight it took off his shoulders was so giant he wouldn’t have believed it.
But he knew there was one more thing he could do to feel even lighter.
“Cas?”
“Yes, Dean?”
“I love you.”
Cas’s grip on him got tighter. “I love you.”
Dean kissed Cas’s forehead and, after a long time, he actually had a restful night of sleep.
Waking up next to Cas was one of the most remarkable moments of Dean’s life.
It was like rediscovering the feeling of loving someone so much just knowing they’re sleeping next to you got him feeling lucky and thankful.
Not to mention Cas’s presence, his body, his weight, his wonderful and human warmth.
Cas woke up and they looked into each other’s eyes. It was like staring into Cas’s soul, just as pure as the color of his eyes.
Dean knew this vessel used to be human before Castiel showed up, but somehow it made so much sense that it was meant to carry an angel.
Hugging him, looking at him, feeling him, Dean wasn’t scared. Not of dying, not of losing anyone he loved. He felt safe. Whole. So goddamn grateful to have someone love him so badly despite everything he’d gone through, despite how broken he always was.
Dean leaned in, with bravery running through his veins and joyful tears filling his closed eyes. Cas’s mouth seemed like the one thing that would fix Dean forever and the bare brush of their lips really showed Dean a glimpse of Heaven.
And when they finally kissed, Jesus Christ, Dean discovered how freedom tasted like.