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On Mondays I wake up invisible.
After a weekend of hitting the library and knocking out assignments, the first day of the week was always a bore. Friends gathered at lockers, discussing the activities and drama of the short academic break. Some students came back to class with new boyfriends and girlfriends, others had new haircuts and outfits.
Crowding the halls, chatter filling the space, it only made Doug feel even more self-conscious. With a few friends, those being Lonnie and Ben, he was dependent on them to catch up on the things everyone was talking about. Despite being a year younger than the two of them in age, he blended right in. But when they weren’t around, that’s when the heaviness of being a social misfit came around.
Finally reaching the destination of chemistry, of which he unfortunately shared with “Cashmere Chad,” Doug had to take in a deep breath. Chemistry was his most favored course, but most often, Chad always seemed to ruin it with his divided attention and constant combing of his hair. His perfectly golden hair that ended up shedding onto the lab table.
Once upon a time ago, Doug had been stuck in his dreams of being like the Princes of Auradon. It seemed like they had their lives cut out for them. He even wished to be more like his brother Derek. That was only for reality to kick in and he realized none of it was attainable. So instead he tried to focus his ambitions on being the top of the class, the best in the band and of course the full-ride scholarship recipient to MIT—Magical Institute of Technology.
Taking his seat and placing his bag on the floor, Doug took out his pens and notebook. One of the first students in the room, he patiently awaited the hour to begin. Mr. Delay soon arrived and gave Doug a head nod. It was clear that the chemist favored a particular student, that being Doug. It was the one thing that made Doug feel otherwise than invisible. Over time, other students began to see him as if he didn’t exist. Unless an exam was approaching, he seemed to be one with Casper. And it didn’t help that he was friendly too.
On Tuesdays I don’t feel quite right
With the sudden increase of homework assigned Monday, it went hand in hand with the increasing level of cortisol released in his body.
He used homework as a distraction from the ever changing situation that was high school. This had become the norm, but there was a hidden dark side. With a high level of stress, effort of perfectionism and an overachieving nature, his immune system was weakening. This resulted in him feeling ill every now and then.
It left him with bouts of sniffles, headaches and watery eyes. Accounting his ill feelings to being a relative of Sneezy, Doug continued his way to achieving high standards. He often dismissed the signs of high stress as if his academics were a life or death situation. If his distraction was taken away, it would strip him of everything he had worked for and strove to be.
His entire being depended on his academic excellence. Without it, Doug would lose what felt like everything.
In the middle of the week it seems impossible.
Juggling school work, social anxiety and all of the extracurriculars that were going to make his applications as perfect as can be, there were times when he lay in bed, pondering what had become of him. Yes, he found other band and science geeks, yes he was chairman of the student council, and yes, everything looked great on the outside, but things were crumbling on the inside.
By Wednesday, he frequently maxed out. Completing assignments now due in advance, he was running off of 9 hours of sleep and 10 hours of work and school. The numbers didn’t add up as there were 5 hours left out of the equation. Those 5 hours were contributed to student council, marching band and the decathlon trivia team where he served alongside four other members. He was the youngest of the team, the others juniors and seniors.
Doug could never miss a beat, except for when he was finally all alone. Staring at the ceiling of his dorm, he let his mind wander, thinking of what life would be like after all this was over. He saw himself as a MIT graduate and a chemical technician specializing in the medical field. After giving up at popularity, impressing girls and every other aspect to being socially active, he was surprised to find his thoughts landing in that realm. Would he ever get married? Would he ever find someone else to share a life with? Or would he always be stuck in his work?
Getting sucked into his dreams of the future, he was reminded of the email he had yet to send to the rest of the freshman class to remind everyone to buy tickets before the Autumn Ball on Friday. And of course, he was planning to set up the dance and serve punch with Jane. This dance was just like any other—any other that he would be too afraid to ask anyone as a date. Not that there was even anyone in particular.
Opening the door to his dorm, Chad walked in and threw down his bag. As Doug looked up from his laptop with a screen of a drafted message, Chad gave him a nod. Just as Chad plugged in his phone, it rang. Ringing a twinkling sound, Doug looked over, the blonde haired prince quickly grabbing it to hide the name.
With an eagle’s eye, Doug had to stop himself from remarking. Once again, Chad had tricked another girl into his midst. Doug had watched Chad do the same thing to multiple cheerleaders and princesses. He was positive that his setups were the most ridiculous plan he had ever come across. What was even more saddening, was the continual pull of these girls to the prince who had no intention of supporting them or acknowledging anything besides their superficial beauty.
“Hi, Melanie.”
Out of his periphery, Doug noticed Chad take a random notebook from his bag and flip the pages to a long list. “Melody, I know. I have a cousin named Melanie. I switched your contacts by accident,” Chad lied. Doug shook his head and pressed ‘send’ on the email to the freshman class.
Doug grabbed his headphones and slipped them over his head. Trying to block out his roommate, he faced his true emotions. He wanted something besides his academic career. It was moments like these when he questioned whether it was actually possible to live with an imbalance between academics and the rest of his life.
On Thursdays I just pray for night.
The week had one day left. Thursday was one of those days when things seemingly couldn’t go any slower. As Doug travelled from his last class of the day, he observed everyone around him. Students were in their Auradon spiritwear crowding the halls and by lockers, voices loud.
Tonight was a Tourney game between the Enchancia Eagles and the Auradon Knights. People were already pumped for the weekend that felt as if it had begun already. As a marching band member, Doug was required to attend. That usually removed all of the fun from the activity, as he was to play music without a proper break.
“Hey Doug!”
He left his thoughts and turned around to the voice of his brother, Derek. His older brother by two years but one grade, was on the Tourney and ROAR teams and had quite the popular status as a sophomore.
“Did you talk to Harold? He wants you to open with your guitar for his band tomorrow night,” Derek said, rubbing the clean and shiny haircut of his younger brother.
“No. I have to help set up and serve punch with Jane and her mom,” Doug said, pushing up his glasses, intimidated by his brother's friends that had gathered around the brothers.
“Come on dude. You’re a guitar prodigy,” Derek said, slapping Doug’s shoulder.
“No. I’m not playing,” Doug said, beginning to walk away.
“You’re such a chicken!” Derek called after his younger brother, looking to his friends to get their approval and beginning to join the jocks in laughter. Doug looked back to see the group of boys cackling and walking away, dominating the halls. That was the exact reason why he wasn’t going to play. He’d be made fun of, he’d get stage fright, but most of all, he didn’t want to share his secret talent.
He and his brother used to be close, but things were different now. He missed the old Derek who used to support and stand up for him.
As he made his way to the gym, Jane and a few other students were already there, making decor for Friday’s dance. Despite being in the eighth grade, Jane helped her mother with most things and followed her around Auradon Prep after school was dismissed.
Taking out a long sheet of white paper, he got to work painting the large poster for the stage. As he worked with his headphones in, his mind wandered, thinking of his week so far. It had been the same as always, but he couldn’t wait for it to end. He couldn’t wait until night when he’d lie his head on his pillow and slip into his fantasy world where everything was perfect.
'Cause the weekend comes. When everybody's dancing with their friends in the city, looking pretty. Yeah, the weekend comes, but I'm alone and dreaming I was a little more brave.
Standing by the door, Doug sighed. He shouldn’t even have volunteered. He knew that he’d feel this way, but he seemed to always forget. Everyone was dancing and laughing and having a great time, Harold’s band on the stage playing all the biggest hits. He observed his surroundings, looking for at least Lonnie or Ben to talk to, but he assumed they were away in the crowd.
Jane returned to stand next to him, a smile curving on her lips. “Hey, music sounds great doesn’t it?” She asked him, adjusting the bow headband on her head.
“It does. That’s Harold’s genius for you. Do you ever wish you were popular? I mean you’re not yet in high school, but still,” Doug asked, his voice mellow. Jane looked at the crowd and shrugged.
“Mom said being popular isn’t everything, but she’s also ancient,” Jane giggled. Doug smiled, pouring a cup of punch for himself.
“Yeah.”
In his mind, he imagined what the event would be like if he was a little more brave, if he was someone else. He envisioned having a group of close friends, Ben, Lonnie, Jane and four other people that were blurs. A girl who wasn’t Lonnie or Jane held onto his arm and was pulling for him to dance. The dream cut short as he felt something cold on his suit jacket.
In front of him was his brother and a few Tourney players. Derek threw his hands up at the guys who knocked his glass onto Doug, staining his pale green dress shirt. Between laughs, the guys insincerely apologized.
“Hey, just leave him alone,” Derek said quickly, pushing his friends away. He walked away with the guys, looking back for a moment to his little brother. Derek mouthed an apology, Doug shaking it off.
Jane turned to him, sympathy written all over her face. Looking into blank space, Doug wished for the fantasy to be real and the ability to escape into whatever world that was. Saying goodbye and goodnight to Jane, Doug turned in early, leaving the dance. On his way out, he heard the chatter and joyous laughter of groups of students. As he made himself invisible, he walked outside and across the plaza, back to the dorms. They were awfully quiet to Doug’s fortune.
Returning to the dorm he shared with Chad, he flickered on the light and prepared for a hot shower. It would be nice to get the sticky clothes off from the punch, but also to relax from his evening.
As he took off his suit jacket and placed it in his basket, he closed his eyes for a moment. He silently wished that he was more like his brother. Wishing that he was more like Ben. Outgoing, athletic, sociable. But as he opened his eyes, reality hit him in the face per usual. He would never be. His wishes were just empty hopes of being someone he wasn’t. There was no use , he thought to himself. He would always be Doug: the band geek and awkward mute. This was who he was supposed to be. This was exactly how things were supposed to go.
Maybe one day I'll be invincible. Won't let things bring me down. And then I'm gonna feel incredible. I'm gonna feel incredible.
As he curled up inside his plaid green and blue duvet, he felt a sense of comfort wash over himself. The warmth wrapped around him in a protective blanket. Only here did he feel like everything would turn out somehow. Despite the humiliation he faced all week, the feeling of being lost and alone, the anxiety that built up, he had to let it all go as he did every week.
His time would eventually come. He’d be someone he was proud to be. He wouldn’t care what anyone thought. That Doug was hidden deep inside him, along with his bravery and his truest desires. But one day, so soon, he’d finally feel incredible to be in his own skin.
As sleep began to emerge behind his eyelids and they began to droop, Doug’s mind escaped into the depths of his fantasies. He knew that until that day came, he’d be alright.