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To Jisung, who had always managed to break down the most complicated concepts into simple ones he could comprehend, a relationship was like a flower. Over the years, he learned that it required dedication every day, patience, care and an adequate environment; though, much unlike a plant, relationships took two people to keep working. All sides of it in perfect synchronization, able to understand the other.
At first it was hard. He didn't really have a clue as to how to do it, being quite an awkward mess of a person himself, and he kept messing up only to be forgiven over and over again. Eventually Jisung had found the key to all of it— and it went by the name of Hwang Hyunjin.
Rosy lips, deep calming eyes and a breathtakingly beautiful smile made up the face that everyone adored; for Jisung, nonetheless, it had been the rather hidden side of Hyunjin's character that made him fall for him. The patient, caring side that taught him how to love and cherished every last bit of his being that, in the end, found a way to the surface and became a part of Hyunjin's daily self.
The first months, Jisung had found hard to understand that someone could love him with that passion, resulting in him having certain difficulties to express that he felt the same because of the fear that it would suddenly vanish. But it didn't. Hyunjin learned that he needed his time and respected that, staying by his side in a journey of self-acceptance where Jisung had to realize that he, too, was worth it.
So, after two years and a half, when Jisung started waking up alone for five consecutive days each week, he was unable to pinpoint where it had gone wrong. He couldn't even place what was wrong at all— they hadn't fought, hadn't expressed they needed some time. The two had just drifted away, slowly, until one day the fog covered the lighthouse completely and they were lost at sea again.
One Friday night three months ago, after a long day of work after classes, Jisung had gone back to his apartment ready to finally fall into Hyunjin's arms and let himself relax, only to find out his boyfriend wasn't there. Though they didn't live together —both of them believed that was a step they weren't ready to take—, the older did spend most of his time at Jisung's abode every day. He would arrive in the evening claiming he needed help with an assignment, stay until the sun had set, and then use the excuse of being too dark outside to also spend the night.
None if them minded it and eventually, when Jisung's roommate, Changbin, stopped complaining, they knew it had become a routine. Hyunjin did go back to his dorm at least two days per week, just to make sure his own roommate was still fine and to check if he needed help with anything. Still, the sight of the taller talking with Changbin while making dinner in their kitchen, as his evening classes finished earlier than Jisung's shift, had become so normal that the younger couldn't help but feel a pang at his chest when he wasn't there for the first time.
Hyunjin had sent him a message later, apologizing and explaining that he had to work on a project with some classmates. But it kept happening; when said project had been finished, his boyfriend found a new excuse. A birthday party, a friend wanting to hang out, his roommate needing help with something, extra classes to raise his marks. Jisung hadn't minded it at all and found refuge in his own work, his music projects, a place where he could let his mind wander off.
It was a brand new Wonderland that brought him comfort, added to the fact that he was majoring in it too. A perfect combo; something he could study with passion. Bit by bit, his professors started drowning him in music assignments and compositions to hand in, and Jisung lost track of time. Sometimes he would start a song right after finishing his shift at the coffee shop, unfazed by the absence of his boyfriend, and when he glanced at the clock he realized hours had passed by.
Hyunjin began coming back too, before leaving again at the disappointment of the younger not paying any attention to him and just losing himself in a jungle of work. At that point, they saw each other some mornings at campus, and some afternoons when one of them would stop by the other's residence just to check they were at least okay.
Truth was, neither of them was okay. Jisung only realized this on a cold November morning, when over the sound of the rain and his breath he was once more unable to hear the whirring of the coffeemaker Hyunjin would use on the mornings they woke up together. The left side of his bed, the one where the older slept, was completely devoid of wrinkles, and it smelled of fabric softener instead of that familiar floral perfume. Looking at the date on his phone, he marked it as the fourth day that week he'd woken up alone, for the third week that month.
There was a problem. A problem Jisung didn't want to address in fear Hyunjin would walk out of his life as fast as he had entered— a problem Hyunjin seemed to ignore.
Changbin wasn't home, which left Jisung to make breakfast for only himself with no one to talk to. Being alone was something he had grown to dislike, after getting used to his roommate's disastrous self always speaking up whatever was on his mind. The times Changbin wasn't there, Hyunjin was— used to be. On his own, there was no one to interrupt Jisung's thoughts, and there was no map to his mind, no way to get out.
The moment that particular sentence crossed his mind, the boy wished desperately for anything to come up so he could stop thinking about it. But now it wouldn't leave: had Hyunjin found someone else?
He couldn't know for sure; his boyfriend was good at hiding things when he rarely chose to. But it was clear that, if he had, whatever was left of their relationship was over. Sitting on the kitchen counter with a warm coffee mug between his fingers, Jisung felt tears welling up in the corners of his eyes at the thought of having become the second option. No, worse; he couldn't stand the thought of Hyunjin falling head over heels for someone else, because then it would mean that, again, he wasn't enough.
He chuckled dryly; Hyunjin would have glared at him with no hesitation if he'd ever said out loud again that he believed he wasn't sufficient himself.
A file was still open on his laptop, a music assignment waiting to be finished. It didn't even have lyrics, just a gloomy melody that now seemed so far away. Jisung had come to terms with the part he had played in the problem he needed to face; his career had consumed him and made him unable to spend time with people that deserved it. He had pushed Hyunjin away in an attempt of coping with the lack of him.
Emptiness was the only thing left for him that morning, and the solution seemed so, so far away. There had to be a possibility to approach Hyunjin again, except he didn't know how to stand in front of him, face to face, look into his eyes, and ask him if he still loved him. Or if he loved someone else more.
Hopping off the counter, Jisung walked up to the table where his laptop was placed and saved the project, closing it. Besides it was his phone, an urge to call his boyfriend suddenly overwhelming him. It was Saturday, and from what he had gathered in the last few weeks, those were the days Hyunjin and his roommate spent organizing their dorm. He didn't want to bother them.
The front door opened, letting Changbin come inside. From where he was next to the window, quite far from the entrance, he could still spot a deep purple mark adorning his friend's neck. He laughed humorlessly. What if Hyunjin...?
"Morning," Changbin yawned, dropping his backpack on the floor and going straight to the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee. The study session he had claimed to be in the night before seemed too unrealistic in anyone's eyes. "Anything wrong?"
Jisung didn't realize he hadn't said anything in return. He kept staring at the hickey, lost for words, a heavy weight rising up his throat.
"Your neck," he managed to get out in a weak voice.
The other look confused for a brief moment, just before putting a hand over the mark as his face grew completely red, "Uh, oh— yeah, that."
"I'm guessing the study session went well?"
Hyunjin and Changbin had some friends in common— the taller's roommate, for example, so it wasn't weird that they often hang out together or ended up in the same study group, the older helping him with the classes he remembered from his last year.
"Yeah—" he cut himself off, turning to look at Jisung with a look in his eyes the other couldn't place. Was that pity? "Hyunjin was there."
"Was he?"
Of course he was.
The shorter nodded cautiously, "He left first, alone," he mumbled, now staring at Jisung with worry after the latter had let out a small sigh of relief, "Hey, what's wrong?"
There weren't coherent words that could explain with enough certainty what was and wasn't wrong. Jisung knew he had no right to be jealous or even slightly possessive, having taken great part in whatever game his boyfriend and him where playing now. He didn't expect Changbin to understand one bit of it— until the older did, picking up Jisung's phone and unlocking it, handing it over to him.
"You should text him," he suggested, though it felt more like a jury's sentence, "I've seen you both hurting. It has to stop."
That slight push, that minimal confirmation Jisung didn't know he actually needed was enough for him to eagerly take his phone and open Hyunjin's chat. Once the keyboard was up and all the letters in front of him, teasimg, he had no clue as to what to write.
Hey, are you coming over tonight?
Pressing that little arrow to send the text had never been so complicated, and he had never fallen to the floor under him after doing so, but there was the boy, laying over the cold wood tiles after his roommate had left to the bathroom. His hands were trembling slightly and he bit his lip when a tiny online appeared below Hyunjin's name, only stopping when the awful metallic taste of blood trickled on his tongue.
I can try. Something wrong?
A bittersweet feeling rose inside of Jisung's body, flowing through his veins; it had been so long since any of them had asked the other to come over that the easiest assumption was something being wrong. In fact, something was wrong.
Yes, he texted, I miss you.
That spontaneous confidence he found in a corner of his mind dissipated when Hyunjin's next message melted him into a mere puddle.
Me too.
The rest of the day, to Jisung's own surprise, he finished certain projects unrelated to music, and even cleaned the apartment, which quite delighted Changbin. There wasn't a reason to do so, because Hyunjin was used to the place being a mess as his dorm was usually even worse, but it somehow felt nice. To say dust covered every inch of their untouched shelves was a complete understatement. Both boys in the residence admitted they needed to start using them again, or living organisms would begin to find home there.
They had lunch together, not bothering to serve the food into plates and eating directly out of the pan —no one was judging them anyways—, while Changbin explained what had happened in the so-called study session stumbling over his words repeatedly. Jisung kept laughing, and he was genuinely happy for him, but there was still that worry unceasingly nagging at his nape; Hyunjin was coming later.
He longed to open the front door and watch that presence he missed so much walking inside again, he wanted to lay with him on the couch and just cuddle, occasionally sending Changbin a sassy remark reminding him of the beautiful connection the older was still searching for.
And he certainly would have done all of it— had he not fallen asleep at the sunset just before hearing three knocks at the door.
When Jisung woke up again, the first thing he noticed was how comfortable he was, quickly knowing that he was no longer passed out on the couch but on his bed instead. Assuming Changbin had brought him there, the next thing he took in was the feeble sunshine coming through the curtains, piercing the still deep gray clouds. The third thing, that there was an arm wrapped around him protectively, and another weight on the left side of the bed radiating warmth.
In the brief moment it took him to turn around and make sure who it was, Jisung panicked. He had never seen Hyunjin arriving and it would be rare if he had just stayed to sleep, then again, Changbin wasn't a cuddly person. And that arm was far too thin for being his roommate's, who practically had literal canons instead of plain biceps. He closed his eyes, embracing himself for whatever was to come.
He opened them again to meet Hyunjin's sleepy gaze, looking at him with an adoration Jisung thought had disappeared. In an automatic response, his heart began thumping inside his chest at a speed he forgot it was able to.
It had stopped raining. For an eternal second they just stared at the other, everything quiet except for the sound of their breaths.
"Hey," Hyunjin finally mumbled, his voice low and raspy.
Jisung felt once more something tugging at his throat, almost making him unable to respond, "Hi."
Their hands found their way to the other's and intertwined, a habit they now realized hadn't been lost at all.
"You missed me?" the older chuckled as he watched Jisung caressing his hand like it was the most delicate porcelain in the world. Like it would disappear at any moment.
"Hyunjin—" the sentence got caught up in the blonde's tongue, suddenly finding himself unable to keep looking into his boyfriend's eyes. The latter just hummed, letting him know he could take his time; another of his little ways of expressing love that right now only hurt Jisung. "—I need to know something."
"Go on."
The moment he had a free pass Jisung was aware he would start ranting and tripping over his words, but he desperately needed to let it out. It was a two-option question, the answers being fix it or leave it, and it was the hardest one he'd ever had to answer.
"Are you— are you in love with someone else? Or do you think you might be? Or do you, I don't know, like anyone else in a more— more than friends way—"
"Ji, what are you talking about?"
The confusion that laced every letter of Hyunjin's sentence only left him worse than before. He just needed a yes or a no, not a maybe, not an excuse. Perhaps he'd asked too many questions at once.
"I'm asking if you're still in love with me."
It all went quiet again, and Jisung watched the other's expression soften as he slightly moved to place a featherlight kiss on his forehead. The touch burned him and ignited his insides again; how had he lasted so long without it?
"I am," was Hyunjin's answer. A few moments passed before he spoke again, "And I'm proud of you, Ji."
"What do you mean?"
Hyunjin's free hand wandered up until he placed it over the younger's cheek, wiping a stray tear he probably didn't register had fallen.
"I don't know if you noticed," he moved again so their legs were tangled under the sheets, visibly catching Jisung by surprise after ages of not receiving those kind of touches, "but whenever we had an issue it was always me finding the solution."
Now that he could stop and think about it, Jisung found out it was true. Every time they fought, usually over the smallest thing, Hyunjin would look for him and do little sweet gestures again, like bringing him his favorite cookies or just snuggling together under a blanket, until one of them apologized. Who did it first wasn't really important; it was kind of random but they always forgave the other. Still, it was Hyunjin who would take the lead and step forwards first.
"I started spending more time out with friends than with you, and you started working more," the older continued once he felt Jisung relax against his skin, daring to close the distance between them a little more with each sentence. "I don't really know why it began. I did realize that it became a problem, but this time I thought it was your turn to fix it. If... If you truly loved me you would find a way."
Now it was Jisung who inched closer, his own breath hitching for a moment. "I'm sorry I didn't figure it out sooner," he whispered, looking into his lover's eyes again.
The spark was still there, in his pupils, that one they both had when they had gone on their first date with excitement flooding every last vein on their bodies. It was a feeling that faded with time but didn't disappear, instead turning safer and more tender.
"What matters is that you did," Hyunjin breathed out, his face lighting up in expectancy. Jisung knew what he had to say next, even if he hadn't glanced at him, because the next words rose up from the very core of his whole being.
"Because I love you, Hyunjin."
"And because I love you too, Jisung."
That was all it took for their lips to find the way to the other's, like their hands had done before, and their entire bodies finally felt at home, at peace. There was no other place they belonged more than right there and then, and there was no other thing they would ever miss more than the warmth of their breaths tickling their faces, smiling between every kiss. Both of them knew they wouldn't let go.
When the sound of the rain filled the bedroom again, Hyunjin pulled back, his lips swollen yet shaped in that beautiful smile of his. Jisung watched as the last bits of dull, somewhat golden sunshine from outside reflected on his skin, pale from the winter, at the same time his boyfriend slowly got up from the bed. It left him feeling suddenly cold, but lovingly conscious of the floral perfume spreading over his bedsheets again.
After a few seconds, the whirring of the coffeemaker Hyunjin would always use on the days they woke up together echoed through the apartment, the scent of hot coffee soon taking over.
Jisung smiled as he made his way to Hyunjin one more time.