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Dying isn't a new experience for Dean, but it has never been a pleasant one.
He died... how many times? Hundred? Hundred and twenty? He hasn't really counted, but it doesn't matter. The first one, well, the first real one, he remembers very vividly. There were lots of pain, lots of blood, and an enormous amount of terror he was feeling down to his bones. And then... then he got a full ride to hell.
This time there was almost no blood but so much pain.
They finally got the way out. They could finally have a life they really want, write their own story. He could live a normal, boring life with a full-time job, the dog he's never thought he wanted, watching Sammy settling down with Eileen and being a fun uncle to his future nephews and nieces. And he was finally content with that, he was ready to move on and give a shot to being happy.
He was trying to get to a better place, to the place where he would be a man Cas saw. A man Cas lo...
Cas, fuck. Stupid son of a bitch. Who sacrificed himself so Dean can leave extra few days and die the most pathetic way ever.
He is scared, he is so fucking scared and disappointed, he feels like a huge cosmic joke, like he is still a puppet in Chuck's game, like he again wasted the only chance he had been given. Like he lets down everyone around him — Sam, Miracle, Cas... Cas whom he couldn't even save.
It is the ending he's always been afraid of and the ending he's always thought he would get. To die in the hunt, get killed by a nameless monster, with Sam in his arms. But it is even worse than he imagined years ago because he's just started to believe that maybe... maybe he deserves more. Maybe someday he can wake up not thinking that he is a reason why everything is wrong. Maybe someday he can stop feeling like a toxic asshole. Maybe someday he can accept that he's always liked men the same way he liked women. Maybe someday he can stop beating himself up for the all deaths he caused. Maybe someday he can be in peace with the fact he has never told Cas about his feelings and that he would just be grateful for the time they shared.
And maybe, maybe if he had more time, he would find a way how to rescue Cas. Or maybe he would annoy Jack enough to make him bring Cas back.
And maybe, just maybe, then he might be happy.
But it would be too perfect, too unrealistic, wouldn't it? Even when there is no cosmic douchebag ruling his life it is still a piece of shit.
But Sam still has a chance. He and Eileen still have a chance. And they will use it, Sam promised to be okay. He will be okay.
And now Dean can go.
***
Dean feels... nothing. Well, he definitely feels something like a fresh autumn blow of wind and a tender embrace of sunshine and he hears a vague sound of music somewhere close. But he doesn't feel being boiled alive or thousand of needles pocking his body or skin being torn. He didn't really believe that he got a ticket to hell but he can't help the creeping fear in his subconscious.
He made it to Heaven. He will relive his best moment again and again. And again and again. With no chance to create a new memory or get new experiences.
Heaven is depressing as fuck, but at least he isn't burning in hellfire for eternity.
He wonders where he is, what the flashback he is trapped in. Is it some old-school hunt with Sam? One of the lonely road trips in his early twenties?
Turns out the kid he mistreated so badly is a decent guy and he had the audacity to rebuild this place. Dean is so glad to see Bobby, the original one. He is so relieved to learn that Heaven now is kinda new Earth with the freedom to live as you dream. His parents, Bobby, Ellen, and Jo, apparently everyone he lost and mourned is here and he got to be with them. He can stop himself from feeling a spark of hope... and how should he deal with it now? And then... then he falls even deeper.
"Cas helped," Bobby says.
It's like a building crushing on him. The stupid bastard is back, he isn't rotting in some black hole now, and he is here, HERE, so close to Dean, in the place where he can have a life he desires, where he can have what he wants. It's too much for him, he has been swinging from despair and fear to joy and hopefulness, and he will talk to Cas, and out of a sudden, there is anxiety about revealing the most sacred, repressed part of himself. But he can't help smiling.
It´s overwhelming, and a nice ride in his Baby is such a familiar routine to clean his head. The engine is rearing, the sun is shining, Kansas is blasting out, he doesn't need to give a damn about a speed limit. It's fucking calming.
So maybe it's safe to assume he can have a chance?
***
Time flees here differently. He still has day and night though, he still needs to sleep and to eat, and Baby needs checking sometimes, and he spends his days fixing the roof of his tiny cottage a few miles from Roadhouse and everyone else. He has dinners with his mom and dad, and it's so strange to see them cooing around each other (apparently his dad can be tender and patient when he wants). He drinks his ass out with Ash and Jo in Roadhouse and has no hangover afterward. He spends nights playing poker with Bobby, Karen, and Ellen. He casually flirts with Pamela though she looks at him as she knows where his heart truly is. He invites Charlie and Kevin for sleepovers and they discuss Star Wars and binge-watch old horror movies. They are impressed when Dean tells them about the case with Scooby Gang.
One night he breaks and tells Charlie about Cas, his feelings, and his messed-up adventure with sexuality. He is almost crying when she hugs him and tells him that she is proud.
He misses Sam as hell, but the hole in his chest appeared not because of his brother's absence in his Heaven-life. His story hasn't come to the end; how can it if there is no resolution to Cas's confession and their built-up bond of twelve years?
But Cas doesn't come. Dean feels like Purgatory himself all over again: he prays every night before going to sleep, he asks Cas to come knowing that the son of a bitch is there and perfectly hearing him.
Dean keeps waking up every new day feeling more and more anxious. But he gets out of bed and the afterlife goes on — but shouldn't he be happy?
***
When Cas finally comes, it's one of those lucid nights. Deans sits on his wooden porch, in his favorite hot-dog pajama pants, and drinks beer. He looks up to find constellations Sammy showed him while he was in his astronomy-crazy faze in sixth grade. He recognizes Ursa Major and finds Pole Star which is shining brightly above his cottage. His thoughts travel to Sam. Is he over Dean's death already? Hasn't he screwed up his future with Eileen because of Dean? Does he still look up to see Pole Star?
It's a beautiful night.
And then he hears wings rustling behind his back. And then...
"Hello, Dean," the hoarse voice says.
"Cas," and Dean is on his feet immediately turning to look at him. "You son of a bitch, I've..."
"Dean, you shouldn't be here yet." Cas looks good, so fucking good, and how could he persuade himself that it's been only platonic?
"Well, it would happen either way, and I died as I always thought, so..."
Suddenly there is a hand on his left shoulder squeezing. "Don't dismiss yourself like that," Cas stares him in the eyes, and Dean sees a glimpse of Cas who's beaten him to death in that dark alley. "You deserve more than an accident demise on an average hunt. You deserve the whole world, Dean, the whole happily-after life" and the gaze softens, and there, there it is, the one thing Dean wants and fears to see. "I did my best to bring you joy at least here".
"Cas," his voice breaks, and he can't, his heart is beating somewhere in his throat and he might faint right now. He raises his hand, the left one, the one Cas is squeezing, and he presses it to Cas's. He caresses Cas knuckles with his thumb. Cas's skin is rough and warm, and he shudders while feeling the first Dean´s touch.
"Cas, I'm so sorry", he takes Cas's hand, interlacing their fingers, and presses it to his chest. "I'm sorry that you needed to sacrifice yourself..." Dean closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he looks at Cas again, he is terrified. "After you... after that, I tried to live the life of the man you see in me. I even got the dog, you know?" he chuckles almost hysterically, and Cas tries to say something. His jaw is trembling. "Please shut up and let me finish. I've thought a lot about what happened, and it was eating me alive, but every time I remembered what you've said and I've tried to carry on. To be a better man. So your sacrifice won't be in vain. But I lasted only a few days, and then I died the most stupid way ever. I'm sorry." He lowers their intertwined hands and continues with a quiet voice, "Why haven't you come?"
Cas frees his hand from Dean's grip and it breaks his heart.
"I didn't expect you to be here so early, I thought there will be more time", Cas stares directly into his eyes, and they are watery as they were during their last conversation. "Dean, it's your Heaven. Jack and I build it so you and Sam and everyone else can be free and happy here. You got your parents, you got Bobby and Ellen and Jo and Charlie and your car and..."
"And you thought I would be happy without you?"
Cas suddenly looks so soft, so vulnerable, so breakable, so... so humanly. "You never said anything," and this bitter truth feels like a slap and Dean can't blame anyone for that. "I was afraid you don't want to see me because you don't feel the same way."
"Cas," screw no chick-flicks moments rule, screw his fears, screw everything. It doesn't matter. It never mattered, and but he was too afraid to accept this and too self-hating to let himself be happy. "Cas," he takes a step closer to Cas, he places both hands on his cheekbones and presses his forehead to Cas's. His blue eyes are so confused and so close, and the heat he feels from Cas's body makes him want to cry. "You really don't know that I love you too?"
And then they are kissing.
It feels like a firework exploding inside him. It feels like the big ball of tension he carried all his life finally burst. It finally feels like Heaven.
Cas embrace him, his hands around Dean's waist, and they are going under his t-shirt, and it's skin to skin, and it's not about sex — they have at least eternity for a mind-blowing gay sex Dean suddenly interested in — it's about being as much close as it's possible to compensate the time they waisted.
Dean steps back from the kiss first — he needs to breathe because it overwhelms him like a tidal wave. Cas shines brighter than the sun, and Dean has never seen him so happy. They are still holding each other, and Cas rests his head on Dean's shoulder. Dean has an urge to run a hand through Cas's unruly hair, and he indulges his wish. Cas strokes Dean's back with his palm and whispers "I love you."
***
Cas stays with him. Obviously, he misses traditional dinner with John and Mary and poker night, because he and Cas spend the next three days having a non-stop sex marathon. And the best thing about Heaven is the fact there is no refractory period if he doesn't want it to be.
But it's not only about physical pleasure. It's about looking Cas in the eyes and seeing how Cas perceive him. It's about stupid cheesy butterflies that settled in his stomach and go crazy every time Cas smiles, laughs, moans, or says some sappy shit he has apparently been stashing for the last decade. It's about pure happiness when Dean says "I love you" once again. Because there is nothing left to be afraid of.