Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Karkat had a confession.

He was pretty sure he had a crush on his roommate. Which in any other instance, probably wouldn’t be an issue. The problem lay in the fact that his roommate just so happened to be Dave Motherfucking Strider, who was human and supposedly not human gay, which Karkat was still wrapping his head around.

The entire idea of human sexuality was bullshit, but lined up with their weird thing of labeling everything. Granted, trolls weren’t much better, at least in romantic areas. Trolls liked to have all their romantic interactions stuck nicely into quadrants.

Which was another issue. Karkat couldn’t figure out what fucking quadrant he was even interested in Dave filling. Sometimes Dave would do something so wonderfully pale for him, like check in on him when he’d been holed up in his room for too long, or ask if he had eaten at all that day.

Other times Dave would piss Karkat off so much he swore his pupils would be spades if he could see himself in the mirror.

And then there were wonderful moments where Dave would sit and watch a movie Karkat loved, or asked about the book Karkat was reading. Sharing his interests and making time to spend with Karkat. It burned so sweetly red it sent an ache through his chest cavity.

Which made the current situation not that much different than others. Dave was sitting next to Karkat on the couch, watching a newly released romance movie that Karkat had been excited to see. Except Karkat could barely pay attention to the movie. Dave’s thigh was pressed to his own, and his arm was slung over the back of the couch by Karkat’s shoulders. He knew Dave didn’t mean anything by it, but he was a disgrace of a troll and was in love with his roommate.

-

Dave would never admit it, but he had been just a tiny bit freaked out about meeting his new college roommate. The University of Prospit only allowed random roommate pairings, what kind of bullshit was that? So instead of getting to room with John like he’d planned for, he was left to the whims of a fuckin’ dice roll. Or some random generator software, probably… he doubted the administration were actually rolling D20’s to decide the roommate pairings.

Dave was also apprehensive about being paired up with a troll, because he knew they had a tendency towards violence, and he wasn’t super excited about finally leaving home only to have some new asshole to fight every day. He’d seen his friends get paired up with some unbelievably shitty roommates, who did shit like eating their food without asking, or leaving their sex toys lying around the room all the time. John’s roommate Eridan, for example, would not stop hitting on him, no matter how much John told him he wasn’t fucking gay.

In the end, though, it seemed like somebody upstairs must have been looking out for Dave for once, because the roommate he landed was actually pretty fucking great.

Karkat had his quirks, of course. He shouted everything he spoke, and he had the temper of a pregnant elephant seal and a tendency to watch dumbass romantic comedies at all hours of the day and night. But he didn’t mess with Dave’s shit or try to attack him. He always let Dave butt in on his romcom-watching time, even though he complained that Dave talked too fucking much. And sometimes, when Dave was having a sleepless night, unable to close his eyes for fear of something jumping out of the shadows, Karkat would stay up with him all night on the couch watching movies, and never said a word about it later on.

It was safe to say that after a few months of living together, Dave considered Karkat to be an actual friend. A really good friend, even. Which was why Dave didn't worry at all if their bro-tivities occasionally dipped into the no-homo zone.

They both knew it didn’t mean anything that Dave liked to sit close to Karkat on the couch sometimes, their thighs touching so he could sap the troll’s warmth. Maybe if Dave was gay it would be a problem, but he wasn’t, so there was nothing to worry about.

Dave glanced over at Karkat and noticed he was zoning out, staring off into the distance. He ruffled Karkat’s hair obnoxiously to get his attention. “The fuck is so important that it’s distracting you from this masterpiece of cinematic drama we’re watching right now?” he asked. “It better be some kinda choice sexy fantasy. Come on, sharing is caring, Karkat, what’re you thinkin’ about?”

-

Karkat was rudely shoved out of his thoughts by Dave attempting to destroy the well established rats nest in his hair. Okay, maybe his hair wasn’t that bad, but it was still bad.

He batted at Dave’s hand with both of his. “Get off me you fuckballoon!” he cursed, scowling at Dave.

He took advantage of the interruption to scoot further away from Dave’s reach. He ached immediately for Dave to be pressed up against him once more, but refused himself the pleasure of it. Dave wasn’t interested in Karkat like that anyways, so he should just rip the bandaid off while it was still early.

He scoffed at Dave’s questions, of course not without the slightest blush dusting over his cheeks when his first answer was ‘you.’

“Just trying to decide who the hell decided this would be a good movie,” he lied. He had barely even paid attention since it started, so he had no idea if it was decent or not. “Everything is way blown out of proportion and overdramatized, more than what I do.”

God he hoped Dave didn’t call his bluff.

“Also, sharing is not caring, and I’d rather stick a sword into my auricular sponge clots and go deaf before I ever tell you any of my sexual fantasies. Besides, I thought you ‘weren’t human gay,’” he huffed out, almost pouting.

-

Dave missed the warmth of Karkat’s leg against his but he thought it would probably be weird to ask him to come back.

The guy had literally slapped his hands off and rolled away into the corner like an angry potato bug. He probably didn’t want Dave all up in his space, and Dave was attempting to learn how to respect personal boundaries.

At least, that’s what Rose had been suggesting he do all year. Just because he had a habit of letting himself into her dorm by jimmying the lock and waiting on her bed until she got back from class or banging her hot goth girlfriend or whatever, sheesh. Some people were so sensitive.

“You literally picked out the movie, doofus,” Dave reminded him. “Not even thirty minutes ago you were all ‘oh it has really good reviews Dave’ and ‘we’ve already seen Inland Empire five times this month I know you have a huge boner for David Lynch but just get over it already Dave.’ I’m sorry, dude, but you’ve got no one to blame but yourself for the fact that we’re sittin’ here watching this torrid not-bad-enough-to-be-funny shlock.”

A smile threatened at the corner of his lips when he saw the pout on Karkat’s face.

“And hey, I don’t have to be human gay to appreciate another man’s sexual fantasies, aight? Isn’t that like, literally the point of porn? One man takes his wildest sexual dreams and brings them to life on the big screen--or I guess the little screen, since most folks probably aren’t watching their porn in IMAX 3D. Why are you so cold and selfish with your fantasies, Karkat? I thought we were the truest of bros?”

-

Karkat stared at him, his eyes narrowed and thick eyebrows furrowed into each other. “Wow. Sometimes I think I’ve heard the worst string of words you could ever chain together, but every fucking time you manage to prove me wrong. Why the fuck are you asking after my porn habits? Is this some weird human tradition I haven’t learned about??”

He rolled his eyes.

“Also, if you ever watch porn on the tv in the living room I will find Sollux and bribe him into leaking your entire search history, even the shit you think you can hide by deleting it,” he threatened.

He pulled his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around himself. His gaze landed on the still playing movie, and he resigned himself to watching it later on his own, when he could actually focus on it and wasn’t being distracted by Dave’s very attractive and annoying face.

“You can turn on something else, if you want,” he suggested. “I’m not really feeling this movie anymore.”

-

Dave shrugged. “Yeah, haven’t you ever heard of watching porn with your bros? It’s totally a thing with humans. I think. Anyway don’t even try and threaten me, dude, I got nothin’ to hide. All the porn I watch is classy as fuck and I’d be fuckin’ pleased as punch to share it with you. I dare you to leak that shit, watch every girl on campus drop her panties simultaneously at how good my taste in porn is.”

He watched Karkat curl himself up small on the couch and had the weirdest overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around him. He shook off the strange, intrusive thought. It had no business hanging around here.

As soon as Karkat gave him permission to change the movie, Dave grabbed the controller. “Fuck yes, finally!”

He turned off the movie and switched over to Season 4 of Ancient Aliens, picking up where they’d left off watching last night. “I gotta get my conspiracy fix on, learn about how the pyramids were built by lizards and all that shit.”

-

Karkat rolled his eyes as he rambled about watching porn with friends and then immediately declaring how much better he was at getting girls, supposedly. “I highly doubt your porn habits would translate into girls dropping their pants,” he said, raising a brow at Dave. “That’s just stupid and doesn’t make any sense.”

He kept his gaze on the screen as Dave flicked to the show about aliens, which was almost hilariously ironic, since Dave had a literal alien sitting on the couch next to him. Karkat couldn’t deny that the show was addicting though. While trolls had never meddled with ancient humanity, it was certainly possible another species out there had.

Karkat was sure though that if there was someone else that had helped them, they were long extinct. Trolls hadn’t found any aliens in this galaxy or any of the galaxies nearby for miles, and it was a waste of resources to try and travel far away only to immediately leave again after helping them out. Unless... some of the aliens integrated themselves into humanity? No, that was stupid. Karkat shook his head, coming back out of his thoughts.

“You do know this is actually, genuinely ironic that you’re watching this show with me, right?” he commented about halfway through the episode. “And I don’t mean the bullshit you call irony either.”

-

“I know you love this show, don’t even try and front. I see you there, tapping your foot ever so slightly to the theme song. You know you love the thrill of a good alien conspiracy. Also, my irony is awesome and cool, and you suck, end of story.”

Dave yawned. “Fuck, I might lie down and take a lil nap nap, that okay? That all-nighter at John’s playing Minecraft last night really took it out of me.”

Without waiting for an answer, Dave lay down on the couch, stretching out his long legs over the arm-rest, and plopping his head right in Karkat’s lap. Ahh, comfy.

-

Karkat couldn’t keep the smile Dave was causing off his face. It was stupid, but he was totally right. Karkat loved this show and he liked hearing about theories of what could have transpired in the past. Getting to bond with his roommate-turned-crush was just a bonus.

Now the irony part was just stupid and a lie. Dave’s “irony” consisted of being genuinely interested in something even slightly nerdy and insisting it was “for the irony,” which, by the way, was not how irony worked.

But it was endearing.

Karkat about jumped out of his skin when Dave turned and suddenly flopped over his lap, his eyes going wide and a small surprised chirp leaving his throat. This was... a very vulnerable position for Dave. Karkat could feel the blood rushing to his face, darkening his cheeks with their red color.

“W-well maybe you should quit being a disease riddled shitsuck and not do that on a day you have to go to class,” he huffed, trying to shove down the part of his brain wanting to purr because Dave was trusting him.

-

“Did you just chirp at me like a bird, dude?” Dave snickered. “That’s fuckin’ adorable. We oughta get a birdcage for you, and like, some bird toys and shit. Idk whatever people who own birds have. Go to the bird store and find bird… stuff. Fuck, I’m too tired for this metaphor.”

He closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth of Karkat’s lap. This wasn’t weird or gay or anything, was it? Dave wondered. Nah, he decided, this was a perfectly platonic bro-dude activity. Anyway, they were roommates, and you were supposed to treat your roommate like they were your wife or something, weren’t you? Whatever, that was probably right.

“Hey Karkat,” Dave asked. “You ever think about getting married? Like in general, not to me or anything. Not that you’d have any reason to think I meant me, but just, like. Yeah. What do you think? Would you ever settle your Vant-ass down with one person? Or wait, do trolls even do human marriage? If you have quadrants do you have to get married all together at the same time? Man, I’m askin’ the hard hitting Earth shaking questions over here, they oughta get me on Buzzfeed or some shit.”

-

Karkat’s face immediately pulled back down into a scowl.

“Asshole,” he huffed. “I’m not a fucking bird. If I see so much as a hint of a bird toy in this apartment I will take it and shove it so far up your ass, followed by my foot, that you’ll be tasting the both of them for weeks.”

He said it without any real malice. He knew Dave was just teasing, and he gave it right back, even if he was a little flustered from Dave laying in his lap.

Karkat couldn’t help but scan his eyes over Dave’s face and neck, studying his delicate but also very smooth lines. He watched Dave’s Adam’s apple bob as he spoke, the corner of his mouth lifting at one side, hinting at a dimple in his cheek. (The first time Karkat saw Dave smile and saw his dimples he pestered Dave about it for almost a whole week. They were cute.)

...And then Dave was talking about marriage. Specifically, if Karkat was ever going to get married. His voice caught in his throat and he found himself at a loss for words (for the first time in forever).

“...I don’t know. I probably wouldn’t unless I was with another human, and even then it would depend,” he said hesitantly. “I’m sure some trolls like the concept, but the only ones to follow through would probably be matesprits, but I don’t know. I think most trolls would probably find it stupid.” He rolled his eyes. “You talk too much.”

-

“You know you love the sound of my voice,” Dave said, smirking up at Karkat.

He actually was getting too tired to keep talking, though, so he closed his eyes again and let himself relax to the sounds of the movie playing in the background.

The sound of a note being slapped on the door was what woke him.

Without being aware of it, he was suddenly on his feet with his sword in his hands, shaking and trembling. He looked around for Karkat, wanting to make sure he was safe. Then his half-awake brain realized belatedly that of course Bro wasn’t here, it was probably just their RA leaving a note about a dorm meeting or something. Fuck.

Dave sank to the floor, decaptchaloguing his sword, and curled up into a ball. He felt like such a fucking idiot, and he still couldn’t stop shaking.

-

Karkat rolled his eyes again, finally giving in to his urges and combing his claws through Dave’s hair. Eventually when he could tell Dave was asleep, he allowed himself to relax and focus on the show, occasionally glancing down to stare at Dave’s face.

God this was so pale, but Dave was human and had no idea. It made Karkat’s pusher ache. He wanted Dave so bad, but didn’t dare ask him anything for several reasons, the main one being that Karkat couldn’t keep it in a quadrant.

After a few episodes of the show, Karkat heard their RA outside, smacking notes onto the doors of their neighbors. When they got to Karkat’s and Dave’s, it wasn’t a particularly loud noise. Almost similar in volume to a light knock.

But suddenly Dave wasn’t laying in his lap anymore. Nor was he even on the couch. He was standing in the middle of the room, shoulders tensed and a sword (a fucking sword!) in his hands.

Karkat watched Dave’s gaze flick around the room and land on him, before all the fight and fear seemed to drain out of Dave. He put the sword away and sunk to the ground. Karkat could see him shaking with how bad it was, and was at a loss. This was obviously an automatic reaction, one Dave had drilled into him somehow.

Karkat carefully stood from the couch, walked forwards to Dave, then sat down next to him.

He wanted to ask if Dave was okay, but it was pretty obvious he wasn’t. He didn’t know how to respond to this situation, so he did what he knew how to do.

He talked.

“You know, the floor isn’t as comfortable as the couch,” he huffed out, keeping a careful eye on Dave. “But at least you’re awake again. I think my leg was starting to go numb with how long your fat head was cutting off circulation. You missed like three episodes, by the way. We can go back if you want, or I can just explain them to you.”

-

Dave could hear the muffled sounds of Karkat’s voice, but his ears were ringing so loudly that he couldn’t tell what Karkat was saying.

He pressed his hands against his eyes, pushing his shades up out of the way. He was breathing in and out too fast but he couldn’t stop, his hands and feet felt numb, and there was a sharp pain in his chest.

This feeling had come over him a number of times before, back in the apartment with Bro. Usually it happened during or after a strife, sometimes making Dave’s hands shake so badly he could barely hold onto his sword. Sometimes it just happened randomly. too, when he was in the middle of messaging John or something.

Dave hadn’t known what the feeling meant, exactly, but he was pretty sure it wasn’t normal, so he made sure never to talk to anyone about it. In fact, this was the first time it had happened since he left home.

He focused on trying to breathe normally, but it wasn’t working, god, his chest hurt. He looked desperately up at Karkat, pleading with his eyes for something, anything, to make this horrible feeling go away.

-

Karkat stopped talking when Dave covered his face and shoved his shades into his hair. It was clear that this wasn’t helping. Fuck, Karkat, stop being useless and help out your best friend.

It finally clicked in Karkat’s head what was happening when Dave looked at him, the panic obvious in his eyes, even if the rest of his face was stiff and emotionless. He was having a panic attack. Karkat had had them before.

With that in mind, he scooted up to Dave, pressing their shoulders together, breathing deeply and obviously. He didn’t know what triggered Dave’s attack, but his breathing was too fast, and at this rate Dave would make himself pass out.

“Hey, I don’t know if you can hear me, but I need you to breathe with me. It’s going to be hard to do, I’m sorry, but you’re having a panic attack. It’ll be okay. It’ll pass, but you have to breathe slower.” Karkat kept his voice loud, but without any hint of anger in his voice. His tone was as soothing as he could get it, trying to help talk Dave back down.

-

As Karkat moved closer to him, Dave flinched, but managed to stay still. He could hear Karkat telling him he was having a panic attack. Was that what this shit was called? And how did Karkat even know that?

He tried to follow the way Karkat was breathing, slowly and deliberately. It took several excruciatingly long minutes, but finally his breathing returned to a less-frantic pace.

Relief flooded through him, quickly followed by shame and exhaustion.

He dropped his gaze, suddenly unable to look Karkat in the eye. “Fuck. Sorry about that bullshit, what the fuck, that was hells of uncool. Ha. Sorry you had to witness me acting like a little bitch just now, what the fuck.”

His voice sounded weak to his own ears, and he hated it. More than that, he couldn't stand the thought that Karkat had seen him act like such a pathetic loser.

-

Karkat sat pressed to Dave quietly as he worked through his panic attack, keeping his breathing loud and audible for Dave’s sake. He felt bad about having freaked Dave out, even if just a little by moving closer to him, but he knew from experience that having something to ground him would help.

Finally, when Karkat could feel Dave’s shoulder muscles relaxing, he quieted again. Dave seemed to be through the worst of it. He’d probably be exhausted after this. Karkat stopped pressing himself to Dave like a needy pet, and sat up a little straighter.

“It’s fine, Dave. Panic attacks don’t mean you’re ‘a little bitch,’” he said, rolling his eyes. “I’ve had them before. They fucking suck, and you literally can’t stop them. Only learn coping methods to keep them from being too bad, and finding out what triggered it.”

Karkat flicked his eyes towards him. “...Did you have a bad dream?” This was pushing pale territory, but Karkat couldn’t help it. He had to know.

-

Dave shook his head. “No, not a dream. It was nothing, I was just being fucking stupid.”

He noticed his hands were shaking so he tucked them under his legs.

“I don’t think I can fall asleep again though. Probably just gonna hang out here for the night, maybe watch some movies.”

He desperately hoped Karkat would stay up with him, like he’d done sometimes in the past, but he also felt guilty and childish for wanting it. Karkat must have homework to do and classes to attend tomorrow, and it would be stupid to deprive himself of sleep on Dave’s account. Dave was a grown-ass adult who ought to be able to take care of himself.

Anyway, it wasn't like he’d ever had anyone to stay up with him at night before, even when he was a little kid and used to get nightmares about Lil Cal. He repressed a shudder at the memory.

Looking back at Karkat, he suddenly realized his shades weren’t covering his eyes, and quickly shoved them back in place, wishing he could turn invisible or just fucking disappear altogether. He was so goddamn tired.

-

Karkat nodded.

“I’ll join you. I think it’s a bad night for my insomnia. I’m not really tired,” he admitted, standing up.

He offered a hand down to Dave to help him up.

“We can watch that new baking show that Netflix uploaded. It seems cool.” He shrugged, letting go of Dave’s hand once the other was standing, then plopped himself back down onto the couch, grabbing the remote for the tv. “Unless you wanted to watch more Ancient Aliens. We can go back and watch the episodes you missed.”

-

Dave let Karkat pull him to his feet. His friend’s hand felt warm, and he hated himself for being disappointed when Karkat let go.

He joined Karkat on the couch, making sure to keep several feet of space between them. He knew, logically, that Bro wasn’t here, but he still felt like he was being watched somehow.

“Whatever. I don’t care what we watch,” he said, trying his best to speak without any emotion in his voice.

He couldn’t look at Karkat right now, he felt too scared and ashamed and raw inside. It wasn’t safe to let anyone see him this way. Karkat had already witnessed way too much vulnerability from him, and there was no way he’d stick around if Dave appeared any weaker than he had just now.

-

Karkat could almost see Dave shutting down, cutting him out and slamming those walls down faster and harder than he thought possible. He tried not to let it get to him but... it wasn’t really working.

God Karkat was an idiot. He got one glance of Dave’s emotional state while he was panicking and his first thought was that he wanted more. What the fuck Karkat? Prying on some traumatized dude when his guard was down? Aaand now he was throwing himself a pity party.

It wasn’t about Karkat, and he needed to let it go.

He glanced at Dave, noting the flat and empty tone of voice, nodding quietly. He flipped back to the menu, quickly finding the new baking competition show that he had previously mentioned. The Alternian versions of these shows weren't that different, except that instead of going home, the losing contestants were culled on the spot.

Karkat liked the Earth version of these shows more.

-

The baking show Karkat chose had been playing on their shitty TV for maybe a couple hours now, maybe longer, Dave wasn’t exactly sure. He’d kind of zoned the fuck out and stopped paying attention to anything for a little while there. His ears stopped ringing a while ago, but his brain just felt really fucking tired so he gave himself permission to just sit there and be useless for a while, at least until he stopped feeling like he was about to jump out of his skin.

He grabbed his phone from his pocket and checked the time. Eight a.m. He’d been sitting here watching this show with Karkat for about six hours now. He stood up and stretched, his back aching from sitting in the same tense position for so long.

“I’ve gotta get ready for class,” he mumbled. “Uh, thanks for. Y’know. Tonight, or whatever.”

He kept his gaze averted from Karkat’s face and left the room.

-

Karkat hummed quietly, nodding as Dave left the room. He sighed and slumped down into his seat, covering his face with both hands. He should really tell Dave.

Not yet though.

Chapter Text

Over a month passed before Dave was pretty much back to normal. Whatever had set Dave off really fucked with his head, and the first week after his attack, he nearly jumped out of his skin every time someone accidentally snuck up on him.

The first time Karkat did it, Dave almost had as bad as a reaction as when he had his panic attack, and Karkat doubled down on his heavy walking. He made sure to make a lot of noise when he was at home with Dave, so the other always knew where Karkat was.

But slowly, ever so slowly, Karkat could see him getting better again. He stopped jumping every time anyone left a note on their door, but Karkat could still see the tense lines of his shoulders when it happened. Karkat wanted to know so badly what it was that caused that sort of reaction in a person, but also knew that it would be way out of bounds and over the line to ask.

He was rewatching one of his favorite movies, Love Actually, when Dave got home from his last class. Karkat waved at him in greeting, curled happily around the big bowl of popcorn in his lap.

“I’m watching a movie. If you don’t have anything you need to do, you should join me!” he called. It’d been a bit since the two of them had sat and watched a movie together, and he missed his movie partner, even if Dave always rambled through the whole thing.

-

Dave spent the next few weeks jumping at small sounds and generally just being on edge. After he freaked out again just from Karkat walking into the room without him noticing, he did some research on panic attacks, now that he knew what they were called. And yep, they definitely did sound like exactly what had been happening to him his whole life. Fuck.

The internet recommended breathing exercises for relaxation, and Dave practiced those on the nights when he couldn’t sleep. After a while, he started feeling less jumpy and more like his old self.

He came home after his last class one day and saw Karkat sitting on the couch, as usual, watching a movie. Karkat invited him to watch together and Dave agreeably sat down to join him.

“Hell yeah, dude, it’s been awhile since we just chilled and watched a movie. Midterms have been kickin’ my ass so hard. What are we watching today? Oh, shit, Love Actually? This one’s such a convoluted mess, Jesus Christ dude, I still can’t believe you’re a real actual person who actually enjoys these dumb things.”

Dave smiled and wrapped his arm around Karkat’s neck, giving him a vigorous noogie and messing up his hair. He’d missed giving him shit like this.

-

Karkat shifted as Dave joined him on the couch, setting his bowl of popcorn off to the side so he didn't accidentally spill it everywhere and make a mess. He was glad he did, too, because Dave immediately insulted his movie tastes and pulled him in for a noogie. Karkat screeched, batting at Dave in utter betrayal.

"Let me go you sickly vomitous cluckbeastshit!" he cried at the top of his lungs. He managed to wiggle his way out of Dave's arms and onto the floor, sending a dark glare Dave's way.

"You are such an insufferable prick," he huffed, dropping his head against the couch, eyes still on Dave. "I take the time out of my night to invite you to join me in my hobbies and enjoy a wonderful movie together, and the first thing you do is make fun of me and assault me and ruin what little semblance of style I had my hair in."

Karkat was pouting, he knew this, but it was Dave. If anyone would take his shit, it would be this blonde shades-wearing douchenugget. Eventually he braved climbing back onto the couch, snagging a few kernels from the popcorn bowl.

-

“Yeah, yeah, you know you love me,” Dave teased, snickering as Karkat flailed on the floor.

He grabbed a handful of buttery delicious popcorn and started munching on it, curling up on the couch. When Karkat climbed back up, Dave scooted closer to him and set the popcorn bowl in his own lap so he could lean against his friend. Karkat’s arm and leg felt warm against Dave’s, and he relaxed into the comforting feeling.

“Man, this movie seriously sucks. What do you even see in it? The characters are all fuckin’ flat and two-dimensional, the romance is unrealistic and gross, especially that one part where Keira Knightley’s husband’s best friend is obsessed with her and like, confesses his love to her? She’s fuckin’ married, man, give it the fuck up. And Alan Rickman’s character in this is just like, an old fuckin’ pervert who cheats on his--mmph--”

He stopped talking when Karkat forcibly clapped his hand over his mouth. Without thinking, he stuck his tongue out and licked Karkat’s hand, nice and sloppy.

-

Once Dave settled down again against Karkat, the troll allowed himself to relax. He missed this casual touch between them, even if Dave talked the whole time.

And yeah, right on cue, Dave immediately started babbling about the movie. Karkat huffed at him but shoved a handful of popcorn into his own mouth anyways.

Dave was still going. Okay, time to shut him up the only way he knew how. Karkat covered Dave’s mouth with his hand. Good god that boy could talk forever if Karkat let him.

A hot, wet muscle rubbed up against Karkat’s hand, trailing saliva behind it, and that caught his attention again. Dave just licked him. A very obvious, very loud pale chirp caught in Karkat’s throat, coming out half strangled.

He yanked his hand away from Dave’s mouth, cheeks and ears flaming hot and probably red. His eyes were wide, and if you strained your ears, you could hear the start of a purr rumbling in his chest. Oh god.

“Did you just... lick me?” he squeaked, his voice pitching up.

-

Dave heard a chirp come out of Karkat’s mouth before Karkat pulled his hand away like he’s been burned.

He laughed. “What the fuck was that, dude? I think I’ve you make that sound before, is it some kind of troll sex noise or something? Damn, I just licked your hand, not your dick, no need to get all overexcited.”

Grabbing some more popcorn, he grinned cheekily at Karkat, and shoved it into his mouth. He chewed it, and then licked the grease and salt off his hands very, very slowly and thoroughly, all while looking right into Karkat’s eyes.

-

Karkat felt his embarrassment grow, eyebrows pulling down into a scowl at the way Dave was laughing at him. It didn’t stop the purr building up in his chest, and Dave slowly licking his hands clean was not helping. Karkat couldn’t take his eyes off of Dave.

This was. A lot.

Dave didn’t know what he was doing, he reminded himself. He didn’t understand it because he was a human and didn’t know troll culture.

Fuck. Karkat finally yanked his eyes away from Dave’s, trying to shove his purr back down his throat and swallow any more pale noises.

It was... almost insulting that Dave knew this caught Karkat off guard and took advantage of it. That was how Dave was, though. It was what made Karkat flip pitch for him so fast when they were having the closest thing to a pale session.

Trolls were not supposed to flip from pale to pitch.

Karkat swallowed and met Dave’s shades again, his blush still bright and prominent on his skin.

“It was a pale noise,” he said sternly, steeling himself in case Dave made fun of him, where Karkat would probably get pissed and yell at him and leave the room. He hoped he didn’t have to leave in the middle of this movie.

-

Karkat was blushing so hard, it was honestly fucking adorable. Dave wanted to keep making his cheeks glow like that. He always got this way with Karkat, wanting to push him and tease him, to get a reaction out of him. Not to be mean or anything, he just… he wasn’t actually sure why. He just wanted to.

“Aww, are you pale for me Karkat?” Dave teased him. “How many times do I have to tell you, humans don’t do quadrants. But I’ll happily have a one-night-pile with you, man, you just say the word.”

He listened more closely and noticed a purring sound emanating from Karkat’s chest. “Are you purring too?? Holy shit dude, you must have it bad for me.”

He leaned his head on Karkat’s chest to listen more closely. The rumbling purr was actually kind of soothing, and he closed his eyes happily. He knew he was being kind of an asshole by teasing Karkat, but it was okay because Karkat didn’t really have actual feelings for him. It was just an incidental physical reaction, like an unfortunate awkward boner at the pool or something, right?

-

Karkat grit his teeth, trying not to let himself get actually, genuinely hurt and upset. Dave didn't know, he didn't know.

He tensed. "Shut the fuck up, Strider. I know humans don't do quadrant. I'm not some... some fucking pale-slut, you ass."

And then Dave pointed out his purring and how Karkat had it bad for him and... He didn't remember much more after that. He jerked away from Dave, standing up. He wasn't going to cry. Karkat wasn't going to fucking cry.

"Don't fucking do that. Don't humor me. Just... Leave me the fuck alone, Dave. I can't do this with you right now." His voice started to crack a little near the end of his words, and he turned towards his room, pushing the door open.

He let it swing shut behind him and climbed into his bed, pulling the blankets out from where he’d sloppily made them earlier that morning. He felt himself relax once he was covered up in them, and that was when the tears started to flow.

Fuck. Karkat was such a fucking idiot. Dave was right. He did have it bad for him. And no matter how many times he told himself that he didn't like Dave that way, little things tugged at his pusher and reminded him that he couldn't just wish away a crush, no matter how unrequited it was.

Karkat was going to have his pusher broken over and over again, on the slim fucking chance Dave decided he liked Karkat back, and he would just have to get used to it.

-

Shit.

Dave tried to call out as Karkat’s door slammed shut, but his voice died in his throat. What was he even supposed to say? What the fuck had just happened?

He’d just been teasing Karkat about his weird troll noises, and the dude had yelled at him and fled. Dave was pretty sure Karkat was crying, too. Shit, he felt really bad. He hadn’t meant to actually cross a line or anything, he’d thought he was just being his usual obnoxious self.

Did that mean--

Did Karkat actually have pale feelings for Dave?

Imagines flew unbidden into his head, of him and Karkat sitting in a pile together, like he’d seen in troll movies. Karkat shooshpapping him, petting his hair, cuddling together. It actually sounded… kind of nice. Like, maybe it was crossing the gay line a bit, but pale was basically the best friends forever quadrant, wasn’t it? Maybe Dave could do that. If Karkat actually wanted to, anyway.

Except, suddenly the pale cuddling in his imagination turned into... something else. The Karkat in Dave’s mind leaned in and pressed his mouth to Dave’s in a kiss that felt anything but pale. Imagination-Karkat flicked his tongue against Dave’s mouth and Dave let him in, moaning softly as Karkat's hand began to wander down toward his waistband, and--

Fuck!

Dave’s cheeks suddenly flared with heat as he realized he was hard. Really hard. Like, just saw your best friend’s mom climb out of the pool with her nips showing through her bikini, hard.

This was so not good.

First of all, he wasn’t fucking gay, okay? He just wasn’t.

And second of all…

He didn’t know what was second of all, because first of all was plenty enough. He didn't like dudes that way, and Karkat was definitely, unarguably a dude. He told himself that, but his traitorous dick wouldn’t fucking go back down. He sat in mortified silence for several moments, praying for this whole thing to just go away. He just had to calm his stupid body down and go apologize to Karkat, and then everything would go back to normal.