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It was unbearable, the weight in his chest.
Gordon knew he couldn't save Benrey, there wasn't any other possible way he could help him break free of Xen's control. He'd gone over the situation time and time again in the last few months, his brain hyperfixated on a solution to the past.
And it fucking hurt .
Benrey was back, alive, literally in his damn living room playing Playstation with Tommy, but Gordon stayed his room, staring at his stupid hands. Stupid fake hands, not his, nothing was real, nothing but watching Benrey melt into a pool, screaming.
Benrey was back, but Gordon couldn't shake the nightmares, the guilt that kept him up at night.
Benrey told him it wasn't his fault, that killing him had saved him, it was okay, he wasn't mad- he told him this when Gordon would hold him tight at 2AM. He told him this when Gordon withdrew, fell silent at jokes. Told him this when Bubby would make a jab at him, one that would sink too deep.
Gordon cried.
Fuck.
Gordon cried.
The smell of Xen, dissolving flesh, gunshot residue, the blood- it stayed with him every moment. There weren't enough scented candles in the world to get rid of it.
"bro."
Gordon looked at Benrey, bleary-eyed, trembling. He waited for Benrey to speak, to stare. For Tommy to walk over.
Benrey hugged him, burying his face in Gordon's shoulder.
"we'll be… super poggers. yeah."
Gordon hiccuped and held Benrey tight, like if he let go, Benrey would be gone.
"promise? please." Benrey whispered.
And they cried.