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Everything was getting on Sykkuno’s nerves that night.
An awful day outside called for a relaxing gaming session with his friends, in a room illuminated by the blue light that would keep him up at night, where he’d be protected from the world that treated him so cruelly.
Except, today was different.
He needed the light on if he wanted the camera to show his face properly, he needed the sound on so his viewers could hear both him and his friends, he needed chat open to interact with them, and he needed to keep track of his subs to thank them properly.
It was too much for Sykkuno. He needed too much.
He needed to control himself. People would start asking what was wrong if he let his face drop, if he let his eye twitch, or if he kept jerking his head too often.
He’s glad the camera didn’t capture his hands. The amount of sweat on his hands, keyboard, and mouse was revolting.
Toast set off the nuke. Cool.
The server crashed. Oh.
They’d have to reset it. What?
He felt obligated to play Among Us with the rest of them in the meantime.
Sykkuno felt rather detached from the rounds they played. Dying first gave him some breathing room, but it had him asking himself if he even belonged there. He joked around when he was alive, costing him the rest of the round. He couldn't understand why they didn’t play along with his jokes.
Rae and Toast starting teasing, like usual. Sykkuno wanted to laugh, like usual.
Instead, their voices layered, along with the voices of his other friends. One big mess of sound flooded through his earbuds like airhorns, blaring unforgivingly loud.
“I’m sorry, I’ll stop…” the words didn’t feel like they were coming out of his mouth. He knows he shouldn’t be apologizing, that they’re just fooling around, but he can’t stop himself.
He mutes his mic as the round begins.
“I was just trying to make everyone laugh.”
And then his camera’s off, his mic’s shut down.
He takes the time to let out the knot in his throat. A choked huff of air escapes and he lets his mouth curve into a frown. He flicks his wrists a bit, rocks in his chair a bit. He just needs to calm down.
He keeps moving his little bean-shaped character on-screen, completing the easy tasks as Ludwig and Tubbo follow along.
He contemplates doing Simon Says. The square blinks at him annoyingly, and he grows ansty in his chair at the idea of having to sit and repeat the same thing 5 times.
Sykkuno leaves it unfinished.
A body is found. They want him to speak up. Ludwig covers for him but that’s not enough. The rest of them have no idea what’s going on behind the scenes.
“I’m just at the medical.” His voice fails him at the very end. He cringes.
They take his answer, Voting finishes. His camera’s back on. He’s okay.
“I think I should go get dinner now…”
“Sorry for the weird stream, guys.”
He shuts all of his lights off. Doesn’t wash his face, or his teeth, or change his shirt. It’s pitch black, just the way he likes it when his brain decides to screw him over.
He curls himself into a ball, his bed feels too big and too small at the same time.
He rubs his face into his sheets, the texture bringing him comfort. He rubs away his shitty day and his embarrassing stream.
His phone buzzes on his nightstand and he ignores it.
It buzzes again, and again, and again.
Someone’s calling him.
It’s Corpse. His contact is saved with a knife emoji beside his name because he asked for it.
“Hey, Corpse.” His voice is still raspy and he clears his voice.
“Sykkuno.” His voice rumbles through the speakers with a familiar deepness.
“What’s up?”
“I-I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I noticed you, um…” He’s nervous. Something they both have in common.
“You were watching my stream.”
“I had the time so I thought I would check in. Just to see, you know?”
“Don’t worry Corpse.” he keeps his voice as stable as it could be, “It was an off day. I have to explain to Rae and Toast tomorrow. I don’t have enough energy to talk…”
He forgot about those two. They’ve probably seen clips of his streams and they probably feel like shit too. It’s another thing to worry about, another mental note in Sykkuno’s crowded brain. Too much going on up there.
He misses what Corpse has been saying to him.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Oh...Oh! Should I hang up? Am I bothering you? You need to rest don’t you?”
“No, it’s fine.” he tries to smile, even though Corpse can’t see him.
“I have off days too. Sometimes.” Corpse tries.
Silence fills the room, save for the faint breathing coming from Sykkuno’s phone. His screens dimmed, making it easier for his tired eyes. He rustles his blankets, shoving his face into the softness of his pillow.
He lets out the first sob.
It wracks his body, his chest struggles for air, his hands tremble. His hair is sticking to his face, he can’t distinguish his tears from his sweat. He can’t hide the sounds that make their way up his throat.
“Why is it so difficult?!” he heaves. He doesn’t want to hear Corpse’s answer.
Some days he can get out of bed just fine. He can go about his day, talking to people, being productive, and finishing off his night with a stream. It’s something he should be accustomed to, like second-nature.
Other days, it’s difficult just to… be .
He’s left sniffling after what felt like hours, though it was barely five-minutes. Corpse has probably hung up on him.
“Um…”
“I’m here, Sykkuno,”
He says it in such a voice. Yes, he’s here, still on the phone with him. But he’s also here for Sykkuno. He feels his chest tighten again.
“I know.”
“Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to but I… I think I can understand.”
“Thank you, Mr. Corpse,” he laughs lightheartedly, “I think I want to keep it to myself, but just hearing you is enough to make me feel a little better.”
He can hear Corpse struggling to answer, stuttering on his next choice of words. It hits him like a truck, what he just said to his friend.
“I-I mean your voice is really sooth-WAIT-I mean…”
Corpse cackles through the phone, only a laugh Sykkuno can draw out of him, A high pitched laugh compared to his speaking voice, a pause that makes you think he’s left the room, and then a wheeze that brings it home.
“Oh no I made it awkward.”
“I like your voice too, Sykkuno. We say this all the time.”
“Right.” he feigns laughter.
“Are you lying down too?” Sykkuno tries to continue the conversation.
“No. I don’t sleep. Ever.” Corpse deadpans.
“All this computer light is ruining us.” He sighs.
“I’m sure it is.”