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san believed that there was nothing like drowning in his own thoughts at 3 am in the cool, midnight air.
he leans against the lightly rusted iron fence of the KQ facility rooftop. it had been one of those days where nothing feels right to him. he has had many things on his mind lately; he misses his family. he missed his friends back at home and the comfort of his old blankets. he feels starved of the warmth and comfort that the feeling of home brought to him. san sighs as he turns down to read the ticking digits of his phone’s clock, which reads 3:13 am. luckily, it was their day off, which meant he could fall asleep at noon and no one would bat an eye at him.
san didn’t necessarily like to drown himself in sadness, but the feeling brought a sense of nostalgia and longing to him. it made him feel empty, but the presence of the feeling only urged his anticipation to fulfill those desires.
san closes his eyes, taking in the crisp air through his nose. he breathes out, breath forming light clouds as it comes into contact with the atmosphere.
“mind if i join?” san turns around to see wooyoung behind the door of the opening to the rooftop.
“ah, you know you of all people should be sleeping by now. you know how hard it is for us to wake you up?” san jokes, though he nods at wooyoung’s previous question. wooyoung joins him, sitting on the wooden bench behind where san stands.
“jongho told me to come and see where you were after he went to the bathroom and couldn’t find you in your bed. he figured i’d be the only one to know where you’d be. he thought you died or got kidnapped! you should’ve seen the look on his face.” wooyoung’s eyes crease into a smile recalling the unfortunate events of the maknaes’ bathroom trip.
“well, he was right. you’ve been the only one to catch me up here,” san says.
wooyoung sighs, “gonna go back down soon? it’s kinda late.”
“i think i’m gonna stay for a bit. you can go back down if you want to, i’m not forcing you to be up here. you should get some sleep, anyways.”
wooyoung huffs, “then i’m gonna stay until you come back down.”
“even if i’m up here for another hour?” san chides.
wooyoung rolls his eyes, affection and endearment laced behind his irises, “even if you’re up here for another hour.” san smiles in return as a way of acknowledgement. he decides his legs are getting tired from standing, and inches over to sit beside wooyoung on the metal bench. the two sit in a comfortable silence, san’s mind cluttered and loud with thoughts. the only audible noises were the faint sounds of the cicadas and the rustling of the leaves in the nighttime breeze.
“wanna tell me what’s going on in that strange head of yours?” wooyoung shifts, leaning back to rest on his palms.
san sighs. “i kind of really miss home right now. i miss my family and all that. it’s kinda tough to be homesick during the middle of promotions, though. still, i can’t help but feel that aching feeling in my heart that yearns to feel their comfort again,” san hunched over to play with the beds of his nails. he wanted to distract himself from the hurt in his heart.
“yah. promotions are almost done, hyung. i think it just seems like longer to you since you’ve been counting the days. it won’t be long until you can visit again. though, i think the only thing you can do for now is call them and tell your family you miss them. i’m sure they feel the same.” wooyoung tilts his head to face the other. san continued to look down at his hands until wooyoung whispered, “face me, sannie.”
“you will get through this. i know it’s difficult to keep going right now, but this is just a bump in the road. everyone encounters setbacks every once in a while.”
“ahh woo,” wooyoung gives san an eyebrow raise, “who knew you had it in you to sound like some psychologist?”
wooyoung sputters and san gives him an unamused eye roll.
“ah, you know i only kid. i’m grateful for your comfort, though. thank you for that.” san shifts back to face the cityscape. hushed moments follow san’s words; comfortable, which fits the two perfectly. the low whistle of the dawn winds twist their way around the two, which causes wooyoung to shiver in response.
“god, how can you stay up here all the time? it’s fuckin’ cold. are you made out of steel?” wooyoung hisses at the bitter chill of the night.
“dumbass, i wear a jacket. you have a pajama set on. come here, i’ll make room for you.” wooyoung does not hesitate to inch closer to san, wrapping his arm around the older’s waist while san cradles wooyoung’s shoulder with his fleece-knit overcoat.
san feels the light pressure of wooyoung’s cheek against the worn fabric of his own shirt. “you’re warm,” he hears the younger mutter, “it’s nice.”
“if you’re so cold, do you wanna go back inside? at least your blankets are warm,” san questioned.
wooyoung grumbles, nosing himself impossibly closer into san’s chest, “i just said this was nice, don’t ruin the moment.”
san rests his own head on top of wooyoung’s soft locks, pressing his chilly cheek against wooyoung’s cold locks, “okay,” is all he says.
san takes the silence to remove his arm from his jacket sleeve and shrugs off the arm around his midriff. he was met with a whine in protest. still, wooyoung removes his arm and wedges his chilly hands between his legs, enfolding them in what little warmth they provided. san grabbed the closest of wooyoung’s hands, and entwined his long fingers with the younger’s.
“i’m so lucky to have you in my life,” san puffs out a frost-laced breath. he can feel the vibration of wooyoung’s hum in response.
“then the feeling is more than mutual. i wouldn’t stay in this ball-freezing weather for just about anyone else.” they both titter at the coarse remark. san feels a light squeeze at his hand, sending small waves of shock up the ligaments of san’s fingers. he circles over the knuckle of wooyoung’s thumb in response, cheeks heating in the chilled night.
“but in all seriousness, i couldn’t see my life without you. we complete each other, ya know? everyone believes that there is no “woo” without “san,” and i know part of that statement isn’t completely true, but i think they might be onto something,” wooyoung opines.
“what part of that is false?”
“i mean, we’re our own people. we have our own lives, our own memories, and our own perspectives. there will always be a ‘me-without-you’ because that's just how people are. i exist and so do you, as our own person. i had a life before i met you, but that doesn’t mean i wasn’t myself without you around, you know?” san nods, but realizes wooyoung can’t see him. instead, he hums in affirmation.
“but, i get what they mean. we complement each other, we bring out the best in one another. honestly, the more i’m around you, the more i realize just how lucky i am that the universe had planned for us to meet. i hold you in a special place in my heart, and i’d do just about anything to see you smile, including enduring this goddamn cold weather,” wooyoung finishes, moving his head to sit on top of san’s shoulder.
at wooyoung’s words, san breaks. his figure falls, body racking with tears and hiccups.
wooyoung’s head shoots up from san’s shoulder to face him, a shocked expression evident on every corner of the youngest’s face. san feels a hand pull away from his own, causing him to frown internally. “oh fuck, did i say something wrong? i’m so sorry if i said—“ san interrupts wooyoung’s rambling with a stern shake of his head, “n-no these are happy tears, i swear. i ju-just feel so lucky to have you, woo. you put exactly what i’ve been wanting to say in-into comprehensible words. i-i’m… i’m just so in love with you, i just didn’t know how to tell you, or how to even begin to say it to you.”
san feels a hand come to his face, a thumb wiping the liquid blocking his vision.
god, this wooyoung, amongst every other version of wooyoung, was gorgeous. this wooyoung without makeup, this wooyoung who spoke in low, gentle breaths, this wooyoung without the public facade to filter his words. just pure, raw, wooyoung.
“shhh, sannie deep breaths for me okay? you’re alright. i got you… i love you too, sannie. you know that,” wooyoung lifts his hand to tuck a fluffy strand of hair behind san’s ear.
“no, i mean like i want to hold your hand, go on cheesy dates together, kiss you, make you feel like the best person in the world. i love you, wooyoung. i mean it in that way.” san reveals. his voice runs hoarse by the tail end of his professing statement, littered with the hiccups from his cry.
wooyoung wipes the dampness off of san’s lashes and cheek before pulling his hand away. “shhhh. it’s okay. you know i could never not love you back. and i know you’re missing home right now, so i’ll do whatever i can to make you feel at home with me.”
“y-you’re such a fucking sap, oh my-oh my god. i’m so in love with you, i’m going to go insane,” san stumbles clumsily on his words, hoping wooyoung doesn’t find his flusteration as embarrassing as he does.
“that’s the power you have over me. you make me weak in the knees.” san’s heart does somersaults at wooyoung’s smooth nature.
“can i kiss you? is-is that okay? i don’t wanna make you uncomfortable—“
“san-ah, don’t doubt yourself, it’s okay.” wooyoung slips out in a soft whisper before meeting san halfway. san takes one last breath before pressing his lips gently to the other’s. wooyoung’s lips are lightly chapped, but san doesn’t mind it at all. in fact, the older of the two can’t even wrap his head around the situation he is currently in; kissing the person of his dreams, the one he wants to kiss forever. san could bask forever in the feeling of the warmth that radiates from the both of them, despite the cold atmosphere that surrounds them. san pulls back slightly to adjust his position, draping his arms around wooyoung’s chilled neck.
“you’re so pretty, sannie,” wooyoung gives san a soft smile, eyes creating crescents to match the celestial body hanging above them.
“thank you. thank you so much, wooyoung,” san threads one of his hands to intertwine with wooyoung’s again.
“can you dance with me, now? it’s kinda cheesy, but i’ve been dreaming of this for awhile,” san pulls a compliant wooyoung up from the bench to an open area in the middle of the rooftop patio. once again, he lays his arms on wooyoung’s shoulders, pulling him close. the youngest wraps his arms around san’s midsection. softly, they sway with the faint sounds of the trees rustling in the nighttime breeze.
“you called me a sap when you’re out here serenading me in the moonlight after you just poured your heart out to me in tears?” wooyoung questions, a sly but fond look spread across his features.
san giggles, but shakes his head, “i got the balls to confess, let me have this moment.” he begins to hum a nameless tune, letting his eyelashes flutter closed. he doesn’t see wooyoung follow his actions, and feels wooyoung’s forehead press against his own. they remain in their peaceful state until san’s honeyed voice fades out. instead, the silence is replaced with a question that lingers through the air for a split second.
“do you want to be my boyfriend?” san just barely whispers, stopping his own body from swaying. he had not opened his eyes yet, the fear of rejection and humiliation still lingering beneath his surface.
he hears wooyoung start, “san i—“
san halts wooyoung from finishing, “i know i’m not the best with words, you know that too. i just… i feel home with you. you’re my home away from home, and i just want you all to myself. is that too selfish to ask?”
“of course not. it’ll always be an honor to make you feel safe and at ease. i love you san, and i would be more than happy to call you my own,” wooyoung whispers above the pale skin of san’s ear.
“now come on, before our balls freeze off,” wooyoung pulls san, causing his eyes to open. wooyoung is looking at him fondly with the most gorgeous smile on his face, “boyfriend.”
“i don’t know how you can go from so poetic to so crude in less than a second, it’s like a little quick in your head. it’s cute, though,” san says as his arm gets pulled through the entrance, “boyfriend.”
“fuck, that’s so cheesy. let’s not address each other like that ever again,” wooyoung snorts.
san feigns hurt, saying, “you started it, genius. want me to call you “my bitch” or something instead?”
“no. i don’t. actually, maybe i’ll make an exception if it’s with you. in fact, this bitch will make out with you until i see that damn sun come up.” wooyoung drops his head and whispers against san’s neck. with that, san almost melts into a puddle at the strength of wooyoung’s words.
“the-the hyungs and manager-nims wouldn’t approve,” san stuttered, “cause we need-we need our sleep.
wooyoung lands a soft kiss against the freckled skin of san’s neck, which is just starting to thaw out from the cold. they approach their own rooms, which are a much nicer temperature than the rooptop. “i’ll take it easy on you today, then. i’ll let us sleep instead. anyways, sannie, we should get back to bed, okay? we can talk about everything in the morning. goodnight, my love.”
wooyoung makes his way into the convers of the twin-sized bottom bunk with san, burying his face into san’s chest again like he had done early that night. the older kisses the top of the younger’s hair, and smiles to himself.
“goodnight, my home.”
san believed the only thing better than drowning in his own thoughts at 3 am in the cool, midnight air was having wooyoung beside him to be his lighthouse in the dark.