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Hide has always been waiting for Kaneki.
It goes like this: Kaneki’s struggling with one thing or another. Hide, feeling painfully insufficient, waits it all out, waits for Kaneki to return to him. Waits for Kaneki to come home.
It isn’t the same though, not anymore. It’s a miracle that he’s been able to speak to Kaneki at all after the accident. Kaneki’s smiles have been a little strained, his eyes full of longing he can’t express. Not to Hide. There’s so much that Kaneki thinks he’s been protecting Hide from, so much Hide protects Kaneki from all the time by keeping up his oblivious act. But the act isn’t only there to protect Kaneki. It’s there for Hide’s sake as well, and always has been. So he simply smiles and is glad whenever Kaneki smiles back.
Can a human be home to a ghoul? Hide wonders, sinking back into his couch and flicking through news channels. Or are we too fragile?
Kaneki is gone now. So Hide waits – he waits and waits. He fills his time with reading about ghouls alone in his apartment and working at the CCG, but all he’s really doing is waiting. Kaneki’s going to come back to him – doesn’t he always?
Wrong, Hide tells himself. He turns the TV off and drops the remote.
Is it really right for us to continue this cowardly dance?
He fingers the flier he picked up a week earlier. Takatsuki Sen – Book signing. The date reads exactly a day from now.
His hair is white, his stance more rigid and yet more relaxed than it ever has been. Rigidity in the strong line of his shoulders, relaxation in the slouch of his back and the loose hold he has on the little girl’s hand. Hide stands by the entrance to the store, hands shoved in his pockets and blinks at Kaneki’s back, wondering if this is all he’s going to do. He hears the author ask if the white hair is dyed and watches Kaneki’s left hand brush against his chin as he laughs it off, the sound of it too nervous to be genuine.
Then Kaneki’s turning and his eyes meet Hide’s. Hide, so startled by this, can’t do anything but grin. His most natural reflex, but not necessarily an honest one. Kaneki blinks at Hide, unable to hide his surprise, then bends to whisper something in the little girl’s ear. She tilts her head at him in confusion, but he shakes his head and she runs off, passing right by Hide. Hide watches her go. Then Kaneki’s alone, watching Hide curiously from the other side of the bookstore.
Hide waits for Kaneki to come to him – and he does. There’s a hint of the Kaneki Hide is familiar with in his tentative step.
“Hide?” he asks. There’s an edge of nervousness in his voice. Hide just takes him in for a moment – he’s still wearing an eyepatch and he’s dressed in loose, casual clothing. He looks good, actually, more handsome than ever. Hide’s lips twitch.
Then – “You jerk!” he shouts, pulling Kaneki into a crushing hug, ignoring all of his friend’s flailing and gasped out protests. Kaneki feels a lot stronger than he used to, his body unyielding under Hide’s hands. “How dare you make your best friend so lonely? You’re coming with me, right now!”
“What?” Kaneki gasps, even as Hide gets a firm grip on his arm and hauls him out of the bookstore. There’s way too many people inside, after all, some of them turning their heads in curiosity. Maybe Hide shouldn’t have been quite so loud.
“We’re hanging out tonight, just you and me, alright?” Hide gives Kaneki a sideways look, careful to maintain a cheerful grin. “We’ll do a movie, or you can read a book while I watch TV. Whatever floats your boat.”
Kaneki’s frowning, looking a little lost and bewildered. But he lets Hide lead the way.
Then they’re back in the apartment and Hide’s sweeping all the articles he’s collected hurriedly onto the floor, tucking books about ghouls surreptitiously in places like underneath the couch and behind the tv while Kaneki wanders about aimlessly, peering into the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom like he’s never been here before.
“Sorry for the mess!” Hide calls. “You can sit down now, though. Hey, you want a coffee? I make a pretty good one nowadays.” As he says the word coffee, Kaneki walks back in. There’s a sad fondness in his eyes.
“Sure,” he says simply.
“Probably not quite up to your standards after working at the café and all – but try me, alright?” Hide gets up and begins clattering around in the kitchen. He winces when he sees Kaneki bending down and examining the newspapers he’d discarded in a pile on the floor.
“You seem a lot more interested in current events these days,” Kaneki says.
“Yeah, well, you know. The 20th Ward isn’t what it used to be,” Hide replies airily. He hands Kaneki a mug of steaming coffee – and he wasn’t lying, he really has been trying to learn how to make coffee well. It’s the only thing he’s seen Kaneki genuinely enjoy since the accident.
Kaneki takes a sip. “It is really good,” he admits, staring down into the mug.
“Told ya,” Hide grins, rubbing the back of his neck. “Hey, why don’t we-“
“Hide… can we just…?”
Hide freezes. His grin is frozen too, but the longer he holds it the more he feels like he’s just grimacing. Kaneki stands up, drains the coffee in a single gulp – doesn’t that burn? – and wraps his arms around Hide. The empty mug he’s still holding bumps against Hide’s back.
Kaneki walks Hide backwards into the bedroom, then presses him down onto the bed. Hide watches, heart pounding, as Kaneki places the mug on a bedside table and curls up against Hide’s side. He doesn’t dare move.
“We can…do this, I guess,” he says finally after Kaneki stays unmoving for a long time. This is new, but it’s not necessarily unpleasant.
“Thank you,” Kaneki whispers into Hide’s neck. His fingers clench in Hide’s shirt.
They lie there for a long time. Hide, through half-lidded eyes, watches the light fade from the room and listens to the traffic outside. Before long, streetlights are coming on and Kaneki’s giving a shuddering sigh before rolling over, away, towards the edge of the bed.
“Where are you going?” Hide protests, sitting up and clutching after Kaneki. His fingers close on empty air.
Kaneki looks back over his shoulder and regards him with soft dark eyes. “You can’t wait for me any longer, Hide,” he says, his voice so very gentle. Then he begins to walk away.
Hide stares after him. “No, wait!” he cries, leaping off the bed. Kaneki turns. It’s the second time today Hide’s managed to make him look surprised. Kaneki always used to be expressive just like this, but Hide had thought that he’d lost that quality just the same way he had the pigment in his hair. Perhaps Hide was wrong, this time. But now that he’s right in front of Kaneki and Kaneki is simply looking at him, waiting for him to speak, he doesn’t know what to say. Don’t leave me behind, you’re my best friend…? Somehow, it doesn’t feel like enough, even though it’s the most he can imagine himself saying.
So he fists a hand in Kaneki’s white, white hair and brings their lips together. It’s a little rough, because Kaneki’s frozen up and Hide’s probably more surprised at himself than Kaneki is. Hide pulls back abruptly and looks down at his feet. “Sorry. Sorry. I’m going to keep waiting though. I know you have… something you need to do. But I’m still here.”
Kaneki, his eyes very wide, touches his lips. They’re still slightly parted and a little redder than usual. “I’m the one who needs to say sorry, Hide,” he says finally. “More than anything, I wish I could stay here. But I can’t. That’s why you shouldn’t wait for me.”
Hide’s still staring at the ground, but he feels Kaneki brush his lips against his forehead. Then he’s gone, the front door clicking shut behind him.
“You can’t decide that for me, Kaneki,” he says finally, hands balling into fists. “I’m the one who decides if you’re worth waiting for.”
So he goes and settles back on the bed. Hidden in the drawer of the bedside table are the newspaper articles he had planned to review tonight. On top of it is a single, empty mug.