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Homelander hasn’t been very well.
Being used by Madelyn Stillwell has been taking a toll on him. His mood, especially. He normally wouldn’t be caught dead crying himself to sleep.
But... He’s felt so lonely. He can’t tell anyone the way he feels without completely damaging his image. No one would ever take him seriously anymore.
Starlight better be keeping her promise. She promised Homelander.
So, when he’s sent on an assignment to go check on how The Deep is doing after being demoted and kicked out of the Seven after weeks of radio silence from him, Homelander’s not interested. He barely has a handle on his own mental health and they’re asking him to deal with the most absentminded hero in the Seven.
Right. Okay. It’s whatever at this point.
Just to keep everyone off his back, Homelander agrees to it. It probably won’t take long. He’s fine. Probably just talking to the fish in the tank at the local Chinese restaurant on the daily.
Homelander takes a brief trip to Sandusky, Ohio. Lands himself on the roof of the fancy apartment building they stuck The Deep in. Enters through the fire escape and walks himself down to Deep’s place.
The whole way there, the only thought in his head is how annoying this is. Why me? This isn’t even my job. Kevin’s probably fine. They’re worried about his head now? He always had a thick skull. I bet he’s in there right now with a lobster he bought at the grocery store and is... Giving it a fancy hairdo or whatever he does with his sea buddies.
But Homelander breathes off his aggravation. Knocks on the door. Doesn’t get an answer.
He bites his lip, trying not to yell. Suppressing the urge to burn the door down with his eyes. Knocks again.
Still no answer.
“Kevin, you in here?” Homelander drones.
There’s a faint cough on the other side of the door. If Deep’s trying to pretend he isn’t home, then he’s doing a shit job at it.
“Mmkay. I’m gonna come in,” Homeland mutters. He pauses for a minute. Gives him a chance to put on clothes if he’s lounging naked.
Then, with a warning and a buffer having been given, Homelander allows himself in.
And... Holy shit. Shit. Homelander was pretty pissed about having to go check on the Deep, but it turns out... There actually was something to be concerned about.
The Deep looks like hell in a handbag.
He’s wearing nothing but black joggers; no shirt or socks or anything else. He’s all wrapped up in a blanket. A fleece one with sharks and eels and narwhals all over it. It’s wrapped around his body and his head, though... Even still, Homelander can clearly see that he... He doesn’t have much hair anymore. He shaved it all off, and it doesn’t even look like he did a decent job, either. His scalp is dry, and looks like he cut himself with the razor in a couple of places.
He’s all sniffly. Eyes swollen as he sobs under his breath. Nose gushing as he gasps for breath. There are tears streaming down his face, and some make it as far as he’s neck. He’s swallowing every few seconds, trying to keep up with the rapid production of saliva before he begins drooling down his chin.
Homelander almost feels bad for him, considering he found himself in the same condition a couple weeks ago, too. Based on how he looks, Homelander knows that he must be sad. Maybe he feels betrayed by Vought for being demoted from such a high, meaningful stance. Scared that he’ll become a no one. That all his fans will forget him.
Maybe. That’s just a theory.
But in addition to bawling like a baby on the couch, the Deep looks sick. He looks pasty and pale in the face. His nose is bright red. And every so often, he lets out this powerful cough. Like there’s something caught in his throat, or his... Um... The apparatus that operates as lungs for Deep, which admittedly, Homelander doesn’t exactly understand how it works. He’s no doctor.
Homelander raises a quizzical eyebrow at him. “Holy fuck, Kevin,” he points out. “You look like shit.”
Deep averts his swollen eyes to look at him. He narrows them, and he furrows his brows. He’s angry, Homelander can tell. He isn’t worried about him trying to fight him or anything. There aren’t any sharks for Deep to send after him at the moment.
“Wow. Thanks,” Deep snaps. Jesus Christ, his voice even is hoarse. He must have a pretty bad cold or something.
Homelander purses his lips and holds up his hands. “No offense. I’m just pointing it out,” he says. “The hell happened to you?”
Deep adjusts the blanket in a way that makes it cloak his face. He sobs heavily, but it’s interrupted by yet another cough. “As if you care, John,” he growls.
Homelander rolls his eyes, and begins to pace over to him. It’s gonna be beyond difficult to talk to him from under this veil he’s created. Crouching down in front of the couch, he pulls the blanket off of Deep’s head. Damn... This is giving him some deja vu from the night Starlight came into his suite.
“What, Kevin?” he asks impatiently.
Deep’s lip quivers and he begins bawling. “I said: ‘as if you care, John,’” he reiterates himself. “Why are you here? Huh? To apologize to me because you were one of the ones who thought kicking me out was a good idea?” He snuffles back a ton of snot. Enough to make Homelander cringe when he manages to swallow it all. “Hell, you were probably the one who suggested it.” He pulls the blanket back over his head to hide his baldness. “Well, forget it, John. I don’t need you. I don’t want you here to pretend like you care.” Deep breathes in, and it’s very shaky. It sounds like he’s struggling to breathe. “Just leave me alone.”
Homelander feels a pang of guilt. For once in his life. He’s fucking killed people. Civilians, even, if they got in the way. Felt no remorse. Went on with his day right after.
But for some reason 一 and he kind of hates himself for it 一 he actually feels bad about Deep. Not just because his anger is directed at him. But because he’s genuinely upset. For so long, Homelander had felt deeply upset himself. Lonely and objectified. And when no one was there for him... It sucked. It sucked, and he was in emotional pain for so long, until Starlight lent him a listening ear. Even a little comfort.
It was probably the first time in his entire life that Homelander felt like someone cared about his well-being.
Maybe he feels bad because for weeks, Deep had been ditched here to suffer alone with his scary thoughts of being dumped. He knows what that’s like. And at first, the only reason Homelander was here was for an assignment.
But Deep needs exactly what he did...
Homelander sighs, shaking his head. “Kevin,” he says gently. He pulls the blanket from his head one more time. “Fuck Vought for a second. I had nothing to do with your suspension. Okay? I wasn’t even there when they made the decision.” It’s a bold-faced lie, but probably the only way he’s going to get Deep to shut his piehole for half a second and let him say what he needs to. “I’m not here for that. I came by to see if you were okay. Vought said you were acting hella weird. And they’re right. There’s something wrong here.” Homelander holds out his hands, pursing his lips. “So what’s going on with you? It’s why I’m here. Tell me why you’re coughing and your voice sounds like you’ve been smoking a pack a day, for starters.”
Deep coughs again, nearly choking on his own... Uh... Lungs. “Alright... Alright,” he wheezes, seemingly ready to admit what the hell is happening. “Look, the shit I did to Starlight was despicable, alright? I’m a dick to have done it to her. Because that shit is awful... T-to have someone do that to you when you don’t fucking want it...”
Homelander just kind of looks at him funny. “Um... Okay. What made you come to that conclusion?” His real question is: what does that have to do with anything? But he figures he should just let Deep ramble for a minute.
Deep sighs heavily. “I brought some chick here. For fun. Why not? There’s nothing fucking else to do around here,” he whimpers. “I showed her my gills, and... And...” He lets out a deep sob. “She stuck her... Hands in them...” He sounds like he can barely talk through his heaving breath. “It hurt, John. I told her to stop because it, it, it... It hurt so bad. But the thing was that her hands were... Unwashed. She didn’t even wash them first, so... Think of someone sticking their dirty-ass hands in your lungs. Straight into your lungs.” He coughs again, and he coughs so hard Homelander is afraid he’s going to puke.
But he doesn’t. He keeps talking.
“I have pneumonia. Really bad pneumonia,” Deep explains, wiping his eyes. “The doctors didn’t even know what to fucking do about the gills, either. They had to call a marine biologist to come help.” He snorts back even more snot, which can’t be much better for his clogged gills. “It was so embarrassing, John. I hate doctors now. I fucking hate ‘em.” He breaks down sobbing again.
Homelander frowns. He tries to keep from showing it too much, but... Damn. Deep does understand. He understands why what he did hurt Starlight. It took having to experience that for himself and get sick from it, but... He learned. He isn’t stupid.
Something that maybe even Homelander himself has yet to do.
“Kevin, I’m sorry buddy,” he says gently. “Did you, uh... Get medicine, or...?”
Deep reaches over to the side table and picks up a vial of pills. Shakes them around then places them back down. “Antibiotics,” he sniffles.
Homelander narrows his eyes. “Kevin, it’s full,” he pointedly remarks. “Have you been taking them? You’re not going to get better unless you finish that whole damn thing.”
Deep just stares at Homelander. “I hate doctors, John,” he growls, pulling his blanket tighter around his shoulders. “You have no idea what they did to me. They stuck cameras and tubes and shit into my gills. I was naked on that table for most of it, John.” He shakes his head. “I’m not taking it.”
Homelander furrows his brows at Deep. “Kevin. You’re taking that medicine,” he tells him firmly. “Pretty sure spiting a few doctors isn’t worth your gills collapsing or however that works. Don’t make me shove them down your throat.” He tries to smile, but at this point, it’s pretty forced. “Besides! You need to get better to, uh... Fight crime around here, huh?”
Deep collapses onto his side, pulling his blanket over his face again. “It doesn’t matter, John!” he groans. “Not like I’m gonna be doing anything over here! Nothing ever happens!”
Homelander sighs, biting his lip. “Kevin,” he says firmly, trying with everything he has not to grit his teeth. “You’re taking it.”
Deep doesn’t answer. Probably trying to pretend to be asleep.
Nothing’s gonna happen. Not unless Homelander does shove that medicine down his throat. He’s not going to be the one who allowed Deep to die from not taking his medicine.
“Alright. That’s fine,” Homelander mutters. He snatches the medicine vial from the sidetable and opens it up. Shakes a pill into his palm, and rips the blanket off of Deep’s head.
Deep just stares at him with panicked eyes. Probably realizing he’s fucked. Even as he tries with everything he has to keep his jaw clamped shut, Homelander is able to pry it open with just one hand.
“Open your damn mouth, Kevin,” he demands.
And Deep does. Just because he’s afraid Homelander will overdo it and break his jaw.
Homelander drops that pill into his mouth, then holds a gloved hand over his mouth. Tight enough that Deep won’t be able to break it.
“Swallow it, Kevin,” Homelander says.
He just continues to stare at him. Trying to challenge him.
Homelander glares at him. No red eyes. Not necessary here. “Kevin. Swallow it, or I’m gonna have to make you swallow it.”
So with no water or anything, Deep forces himself into swallowing the pillow. Braces himself, and swallows it with one big gulp.
Satisfied, Homelander removes his hand from Deep’s mouth. “There. Not so hard, right?” he mutters.
Deep just lays there for a second. Swallows a few more times just to make sure that the pill really did go down. Though, once the initial shock of being forced to swallow is gone, Deep’s eyes well back up. And he’s crying all over again. Maybe even more than he had been before.
Homelander frowns. He was so sure that Deep had finished crying, but... Something’s still wrong.
He breathes out heavily. “What’s up?” he asks, trying to keep from sounding irritated.
For a long time, Deep just lays there and cries. He’s like a ragdoll. Weak and limp. Homelander just watches him awkwardly... This is kind of weird. What does he do? Sit him up so he isn’t choking on his own drool anymore? Pat his shoulder?
But that isn’t even the weirdest thing. All at once, no warning, Deep just sits straight up. Throws his arms around Homelander and bawls into his shoulder. Homelander is stiff. He just stares ahead like a deer in headlights. Keeps his arms up because he doesn’t know where else to put them.
“Don’t let them replace me!” Deep howls in pain and heartache. “Don’t let them replace me, John!” He pauses only for a second to cough... Right into Homelander’s ear, but for once, he barely notices that... Just what Deep is telling me. “I’m scared, John... I don’t want to be forgotten about. After meaning so much to so many people, I... I don’t just want to be thrown out... I don’t want to be forgotten about. I don’t want to mean nothing...” He lets out the most heartbreaking noise between a squeak and a sob that Homelander has ever heard in his life. “I don’t want to be nothing, John... I’m scared.” He breaks down so hard he can barely even talk. “My stomach hurts, John! M-m-my gills hurt! My heart hurts!!”
Homelander feels his eyes become less bewildered from the sudden affection. His expression softens.
It’s too late. They’re already looking to replace Deep. Normally, Homelander wouldn’t think twice about it, but... Deep’s telling him that he’s scared.
The Deep. Aloof, strong-hearted Deep who has the most terrifying sea animals in his reign... Is scared. Scared that he’s no one without the Seven. Scared because he doesn’t want to lose the loyalty and the name he’s worked so hard to build.
And even though Homelander could never admit it 一 still won’t, even after this 一 it’s his fault. It’s his fault that someone he calls his friend feels like this. He’s doing this to Deep. After everything the two of them had been through, Homelander was just ready to get rid of him. Leave him scared and alone, and very, very sick. He left him to suffer at the doctor’s alone... Let him do some scary shit to him, apparently. Homelander knows he couldn’t stomach it... Deep’s gills are gross, and they were doing gross things to them at the hospital. But that’s barely an excuse...
After everything they’ve been through... Shouldn’t Deep mean more to Homelander than an image of the Seven?
Sighing heavily, Homelander works around Deep’s torso to remove his gloves. Make his touch feel a little more human. And he embraces Deep fully. Relaxes into his arms. Places his own arms around his back. Softly rubs his back to try to calm him. Runs it up his neck and to his head, where that thick, brown hair used to be, then back down to his back again. Whispers a soft, rhythmic, “shhh...” into Deep’s ear. Even tells him very gently, voice shaking violently... “Don’t cry...”
Closes his eyes...
All the while, as Deep bawls his eyes out against his shoulder, Homelander finds himself fighting back his own tears. It’s an extremely hard struggle to keep them in. One makes its way out and down Homelander’s cheek, despite his efforts.
He feels awful. He almost can’t define this terrible, hard stone in his stomach, the ache in his chest. The reason he’s actually crying... Again.
But Homelander eventually figures out that it’s guilt. Something he didn’t even feel after he let Flight 37 go down in flames. He’s guilty about what he’s done to his friend. Guilty that he feels this way.
Homelander’s been feeling alone, too. Just wants someone to give a damn about him. Wants someone to hug him and take care of him. And what did he do to Deep? He let him feel the same, awful way. Alone. Forgotten about. Manipulated. Betrayed.
Couldn’t even show up on his own. Vought had to tell him to do it. All Deep probably wanted was a hug. Someone to let him know he’s okay here. To check on him when he was sick.
And Homelander didn’t do any of that.
The one thought on Homelander’s trembling lip is, I’m sorry, Kevin.
But he doesn’t say it. After all this pain he caused his friend, he doesn’t want to lie any more than he already has and hurt him worse.
~ ~ ~