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It was a night like this. Kokichi felt the cold water trickle on his head and down his backside as he began to open his umbrella. He paused, closed it, and continued to walk under the melancholic tears of the sky. He exhaled, his lungs feeling the cold prickles of the frigid air tickle his insides. His hair turned dark and began to mat the frame of his face. Just like that night. The cold water touching his face suddenly felt like acid needles and he shut his eyes tight. It took Kokichi a while to realize that he had stopped walking and his knees wouldn’t budge any further.
He slowly felt his hands curl into themselves and then release. His legs gave way and he fell to the ground with a thud, cold water already soothing the dull ache of his knees hitting the earth. Slowly, the purple haired boy could feel his senses beginning to fade away into faint brushes and whispers, he let himself go numb. In contrast to that night, everything felt so different. It barely registered to him that his hands were lifting and trying to touch the sky that seemed so far away. His hands suddenly gripped and clung like a madman; he felt so hollow. Compared to that night, he felt so empty.
It was a night like this when Kokichi and Miu broke off their four year relationship just two days ago. He felt his piling insecurities from their relationship build up from the past year and that was when he had the dreadful realization of their lack of communication in this relationship. The way he felt so far away from her and if she felt uncomfortable around him whenever they were in public. It was far too late when he began to reach out to her when he finally saw how she felt she wasn't good enough for him when they were together in the eyes of others. His realization sparked to life when she rejected his touch at Kaito’s birthday party. The blonde had shrunk away and fleeted away to one of the corners of the house to be on her own. The wildfire he slowly began to become afraid of kept on growing. He couldn’t control it. Dull colors pulsed in his vision when he mulled over the thought of ending it all because he couldn’t stand to keep hurting her any longer, and he didn’t want to feel so isolated or uncertain anymore.
Right now if Kokichi sat down on his cream colored couch which he and Miu picked out together, tucked himself into a blanket, and laid there to reflect on their past relationship it all feels like a dream. Four years ago he loved her just as much as he did now. He doesn’t know if Miu feels the same, but he remembers how much they loved each other. When he first saw her in high school, she was just a classmate with pretty blonde locks; he thought nothing of her. Over the day of their high school years, he began to consider her a close friend. They both had their flaws, but they thought that those imperfections were what made each other them; they made up for where the other lacked and became perfect together.
When they finally started to enter a serious relationship, his eyes ventured to a whole nother world. Rainbow hues and sunshine caressed them under the bright blue sky. Kokichi could stare into her crystal blue eyes for as long as he wanted while running his hands through Miu’s smooth blonde hair. His world was a glowing white canvas which enveloped them with specks of flowers sprinkled about, falling along with the sakura petals. Miu was so beautiful, iridescent, human--so Miu . Her laugh and her snarky jokes which managed to make his lips twitch into a small smile, and the warm bubbling pit in his stomach when he saw her triumphant expression whenever she made him laugh.
Sparkles danced across the air whenever he was with her and they seemed to be able to read each other’s gazes with such tenderness. How they yearned for these moments to last forever and ever. Every moment they had with one another was special. Every kiss, embrace and touch they shared felt like a secret treasure only they could gift to one another. Time, love, emotions--he couldn’t fully express how much he loved her. Miu was the same. Her eager touch and careful wording whenever she wanted to tell him how much she felt so alive in his presence. Then she would cut off her words with a kiss that seemed to burst to life with a fantastical touch. Whenever they were together it was like a myriad of colors. Like fireworks across the sky in the dark night, lighting up everything in sight. His hand in hers felt so right. It tingled. It’s exhilarating--how much they were in love with each other. They felt like they could breathe a breath of fresh air around one another. Miu was his gravity, and he was hers.
But after three years he realizes that there emerges a possibility. The possibility that they will leave each other. The subtle hesitation in their touches and Miu’s timid expression that she had never worn before with him. It’s cracking. Even he knew that their happiness might not last forever. Like a film that was suddenly falling apart, glitching colors and static noises that faded into loud silence began to take place of their relationship. It was so hard to see her struggling and for him to endure. If only he had reached out to her first, or she had come to him with her concerns. He hated the fact that one day he woke up tired of it all.
Kokichi didn’t even know what he was feeling at the time, but when it hit him it was a train crash. He hated himself when he realized that he was suddenly starting to feel worn down by their fragile, fraying relationship. When he saw Miu, he could tell it was the same for her yet she refused to acknowledge it at all. They quickly laughed it off, awkward touches, and forced smiles. They still loved each other as much as ever, but it confused him. If they still loved each other just as much as in the beginning, when did it become so hard to formulate how he felt into words? When did he feel so far away from her? Why did she become afraid to touch him? Still, he wanted to try to keep their bond aflame.
“You’re everything to me,” Kokichi suddenly told her one day and Miu froze.
The blonde slowly turned and smiled, the edges of her eyes worn down and tired. “I know. I love you so much too.”
Yet… and yet…
He felt so distanced from her. He felt so afraid of the lack of understanding he had that he couldn’t reach out. Miu seemed afraid as well, insecure of her own self for reasons he didn’t know. They both were suddenly scared to talk with one another. The rainbows faded into somber throbs of color. Those parts of their relationship began to wear down on him and he could feel his willpower begin to falter. It hurt to walk on the earth feeling like a criminal because he had little to no motivation to continue their relationship, but didn’t have the courage to end it. It slowly killed him to see that Miu was avoiding all the cracks in their relationship and instead forced herself to bear with it. At this rate, their stagnant love was going to kill each other. So he decided to play the bad guy.
“Let’s break up,” he told her when they had met up one night, rain drizzling down from the empty black canvas of a sky.
Miu’s hair was a funny mess of tangles that were being flattened by the rain. The blonde began to bleed dark and her skin was turning pale in the cold. Even he could feel the pruning of his fingers, the cold embrace of the rain tracing his skin, and water soaking into his fabric woven jacket. His hair slowly fell onto his face from the raindrops. Pitter-patters of water hit Miu’s orange raincoat and glistened under a muted yellow light that hit the strands of her hair that glowed softly with raindrops and color. Her eyes were unreadable for a moment, and it scared him again.
“Okay.”
They stood there for minutes under the sprinkling rain that suddenly began to pour. The pounding of water began to feel a little stronger. His senses could only feel cold. He saw Miu, yet his sight felt so overwhelmed by the cold rain and the frigid wrenching pain in his chest. She cried first and he was so tempted to go over to her side and soothe her by stroking his hand on her head like they used to. Her sobs and sniffles felt like knives driving into his heart, slowly ripping his insides apart. But they needed to grow. It was time to part ways.
“Miu,” he heard himself say, his voice raspy and weak. Yet she could still somehow hear him despite the noise. “If we ever leave each other, let’s endure. You’ve always been a messy crier.”
She sniffled and croaked out another insult. “Shut up. You’re always a mess.”
A mess when it comes to you , he thought as if to finish her thoughts which she wouldn’t say out loud. The rain was starting to get annoying, getting in his eyes and all. The pain in his chest began to fight its way out and a shudder ran itself throughout his body. He let out a soft, pained gasp. His teeth grit against one another and he looked away. Hot water began to run down his face and he could hear his wheezy breaths. It was so painful and it hurt so much. Ow ow ow, but he knew that it would be fine. Soon it would be okay. Soon.
Yeah, the night they finally left one another was like this, but compared to that he felt empty. Kokichi felt listless and light. His center of gravity was lost and he suddenly couldn’t breathe. He stumbled, trying to stand up. He gripped a tree like it was his lifeline and shifted his weight onto its trunk. His hands bunched into small fists and they refused to release their stubborn grip. Coping would be hard, but soon it would be fine.
Soon , he told himself. Soon it would be okay. Soon in the future, he’ll wish to talk to her. And in that future where they’ve both grown and matured, they’ll meet again. The world won’t be colorful and white, but down to earth and he can see everything: the trees, the cherry blossoms, and her. He will be grounded and he can fully express how he feels; both the good and the bad.
Maybe he’ll talk and say. “Hey, Miu-chan. How’ve you been?” And they’ll both use their words to communicate properly to have a nice conversation. But before he can do that, he has to move.
It didn’t have to be now, but Kokichi had to do things one step at a time. Have courage and take the first step. He could take as much time as he wanted to think about it, but he just had to keep moving forward. It was okay for him to admit it was hard and that he was moving on despite loving her. It was a bit sad, still loving her and leaving. Maybe he would regret everything, but it didn’t matter because right now he would endure like he said to her on that night. He had to have courage. Have courage and move forward.
Kokichi straightened, regained the strength in his knees, and began to walk with confidence. He quickly wiped away the tears he didn’t even know had started flowing and pounded at his tightening chest. For a moment, he suffocated. His lungs felt so tight and clogged that his steps began to slow. Kokichi took in another strong breath and broke free of the chains tautening himself. He choked and gagged from the lack of air, but kept his head up high. He felt the effects subside and another joined him. His hands loosened and he felt himself let go. Although he suffocated while moving forward, he could feel himself breathe.