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If only Dean knew what to do… what to say. Cas was laying out his heart and all Dean could do was stare. Did he love Cas? He didn’t know. When you have repressed your emotions ever since you were a child you forget what true feelings are like. Repres your fear, repres your kindness, they are weaknesses. Add the constant repressed depression to that and you have a broken human. It’s not healthy, but it is the only way Dean knew how. With all those repressed emotions it’s hard to tell how he really feels.
He cared for Castiel, the funky little angel without a harp. He didn't want to live without him, but there was too much going on inside his head. Castiel's words were nowhere near processed in his brain. He needed time, time he didn’t have...
“I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack… but I cared about the whole world because of you .” Cas sounded broken, his eyes were red. That were about the only things Dean could register. How it made him feel, he could not.
“You changed me Dean.” Cas added, a tear running down his face. He had never seen so much emotion on Cas’ face before. Was it a goodbye? What was he implying? The dots didn’t connect.
“Why does this sound like a goodbye?’ Dean asked. In the background he could hear another slam against the door. It reminded him that Billy was still there and getting closer and closer to busting down the door.
“Because it is.” Cas answered. Only when he said that, dots started connecting and his brain went into overdrive. He is confessing… he is saying goodbye...
“I love you” he said with tears in his eyes, a look on his face that pulled on his heartstrings.
For so long Dean didn’t believe angels could love, but yet here he was. An angel loving him more than he could even imagine.
“Don’t do this Cas.” Dean shook his head. Do NOT make me lose you again, went unsaid.
He heard something behind him and turned around. A portal to the empty opened, it’s presence was threatening and scary like incoming doom. Dean turned back to face Cas in desperation. Billy burst through the door as he turned.
It’s happening. Shit it was happening. He hasn’t said a single thing. “Cas-”
Cas interrupted by grabbing his shoulders.
“Goodbye Dean” and with that he pushed. Dean felt Cas’ handprint burn into his skin as he fell against the wall.
Dean gasped out and met Cas’ eyes. Cas gave him one final look filled with emotions that were hard to identify before he surrendered himself completely to the Empty.
And just like that… he was gone.
Apparently Billy was too, but he didn’t care. He sat on the floor staring in the distance, trying to process what happened. Overfilled with grief and what if’s.
Minutes passed by until he heard his phone buzz. Somewhere in his treacherous mind he thought it might’ve been Cas. Even though he knew it wasn’t possible.
He looked at the caller ID: Sam. He felt disappointment, immediately followed by shame and disgust. He should be happy to see that Sam was okay, but right now all he could feel was grief. He dropped the phone and pulled at his hair.
Only with Cas gone he could feel his true emotions. He felt lost and hopeless. Another loss. How would they ever be able to win? Does he even have the will left to fight?… Of course an angel like Castiel would fall in love with a broken human.
He deserved better. No matter how hard he tried, Dean would never be able to see what Cas saw in him.
So what if tears ran down his face? There was no one around to act brave for.