Archive of Our Own

Haknyeon felt cold.

Though he was holding the sun in his arms, he felt freezing.

He was not sure why and he did not want to know. Whatever the answer was, it would hurt Sunwoo. And Haknyeon never wanted that.

Haknyeon buried his face into Sunwoo’s neck, placing little kisses that made his boyfriend whine.

“It tickles,” Sunwoo whispered,” You know it does.”

“That’s why I love doing it,” Haknyeon chuckled, tightening his grasp on Sunwoo.

“Anything bothering you, babe?” Sunwoo asked as he turned his head to Haknyeon,” You’re trembling.”

“Mhm,” Haknyeon shook his head,” Nothing really.”

“You can’t lie to me, Ju Haknyeon,” Sunwoo pouted, removing Haknyeon’s embrace so he could face his love properly.

“I really can’t,” Haknyeon had this defeated smile on his lips.

He should have known that he can never lie to Kim Sunwoo. They had known each other since they were children. They dated each other since they were in high school. And they had been living with each other for a year. Both of them memorized each their quirks. And Haknyeon’s habit when he lied was how his voice sounded when he said “Mhm.” There was a slight strain in it, so subtle that no one but Sunwoo could notice it.

“What’s wrong?” Sunwoo held Haknyeon’s hands,” Is there anything bothering you? Work? Do you want a day-off?”

“I’m just afraid,” Haknyeon sighed,” Afraid that this will end.”

“What will?”

“Us,” Haknyeon had this teary look in his eyes, something Sunwoo could not put himself to ignore.

“Why?”

“It’s just a gut feeling,” Haknyeon said, trying his best to conceal how he felt,” Everything has an end after all.”

“We won’t,” Sunwoo pinched Haknyeon’s nose,” We won’t end. I’m assuring you that I love you, Ju Haknyeon. And I cannot love someone more than I love you at this point.”

Haknyeon showed a small smile to Sunwoo, ignoring how his hands felt in his.

Freezing cold.

It was a spring afternoon when Haknyeon felt like the luckiest man on earth.

How could he not?

Kim Sunwoo, his childhood friend and resident popular boy in their high school, just confessed to him. He thought it was not true. He pinched himself how many times in order to be sure that it was not a dream.

But Sunwoo was there. No matter how many times Haknyeon pinched himself, Sunwoo was there. Staring at him. Waiting for his answer.

“So?”

Sunwoo’s voice was deep and warm. It reminded Haknyeon of a campfire in winter. Who makes a campfire in winter? Sunwoo and Haknyeon did when they were children. And the former’s voice reminded the latter of those innocent days. Days that Haknyeon always wished would never end.

But this confession solidified it. Those days would continue as long as Sunwoo was there with him. And Haknyeon was excited. Ecstatic. His belly felt funny. Were these butterflies? He felt full. He felt like he was going to throw up but he didn’t even eat lunch yet.

“Haknyeon?”

Haknyeon knew he should give Sunwoo an answer. He was stalling this for too long but he felt nervous about everything. He was afraid his voice would crack or this might all be a prank. But Sunwoo looked so serious about it. He stared at Haknyeon without any malice.

Haknyeon gulped.

“I love you too.”

Would Haknyeon say the same at that time? Years after that confession?

He hated to admit it to himself but he was not sure. It was not as if his feelings changed suddenly on a random day. It felt like slowly, slowly, with each passing day, Haknyeon felt desensitized with Sunwoo’s presence. He never felt like throwing up or his belly feeling all funny for the past weeks. Gradually, every ‘I love you’ lost its sincerity. Haknyeon did not know how to deal with all of this.

Haknyeon did confess to Sunwoo that he was afraid of the end of the relationship but Sunwoo never realized that Haknyeon did not mean that the younger’s feelings would change. Haknyeon meant that he was afraid that his own feelings would change.

And they were.

Step by step.

Haknyeon felt like he was choking on his own expectations of himself. He promised Sunwoo forever. He promised he was the one thing that would never change in Sunwoo’s life. He would be the constant foundation Sunwoo needed.

But what happened?

Haknyeon realized that change was the only thing constant in the world. And that he was a victim of the tides of change. His feelings were part of its plans and he was unprepared for its strike.

Haknyeon stared at the cup of coffee in front of him. He knew that he should not be dazing off at work, but he was. He was lucky that he was a fast worker, or his boss would kill him. Sangyeon was a different kind of slave driver.

“Want to go out for a drink?” Jaehyun, who was working in the cubicle next to him, asked,” You look like you need it.”

“No,” Haknyeon politely declined,” I don’t want Sunwoo to wait alone at home.”

“Sunwoo this, Sunwoo that,” Jaehyun sighed,” If you keep putting your eyes on one thing, you’ll get bored of it someday.”

“I won’t,” Haknyeon almost whispered.

“I’m sure,” Jaehyun shot a look at Haknyeon, as if he could see right through his façade,” I’m sure it’s already happening.”

Haknyeon wanted to protest but it would only lead to an argument between them. What Jaehyun said might be true. That was he was getting bored of how monotonous life was with Sunwoo, but he would never want it any other way. He was the only stable thing in his life. They needed each other.

“Just remember, Haknyeon, a little advice from your caring hyung,” Jaehyun said as he focused his eyes back to the monitor in his workstation,” Just because something feels safe does not mean it’s what’s meant for you. If it feels wrong, if you’re lying to yourself, then you’re in the wrong place.”

“I did not ask for that but,” Haknyeon rolled his eyes,” Thanks, hyung.”

Haknyeon knew, within that very heart of his, that Jaehyun was right. His feelings were fading yet he kept putting up this charade that everything was perfect. That everything was how it was years ago. That Haknyeon had his heart set on marrying Sunwoo someday. But he believed, at the same time, that his heart would go back to Sunwoo someday. He felt like whatever was fading, it would come back.

Sunwoo was his home. His warmth. His comfort. His everything.

Haknyeon could not risk letting him go just because he thought he was falling out of love with him.

“How much do you love me?”

It was a hot summer day when Haknyeon asked that question to Sunwoo. Sunwoo looked surprised with the sudden question but the surprised look turned into a pout as if he was seriously contemplating the answer.

“Nevermind,” Haknyeon shook his head as he laughed,” It’s a silly question.”

“I love you like how the sea loves the moon,” Sunwoo answered,” Your image will always reflect on me, wherever you are.”

“What kind of answer is that?” Haknyeon asked, trying to hide his embarrassment,” Reflect?”

“I will never forget you, Haknyeon,” Sunwoo showed the sweetest smile that Haknyeon ever saw from him,” You will always be here and here.”

Sunwoo pointed his chest and mind. It was cheesy. Haknyeon knew that. But he felt touched by how Sunwoo described his feelings. He always had a way with words. He always knew what to say to make Haknyeon feel secure.

“How about you?” Sunwoo asked,” How much do you love me?”

Haknyeon, if asked that question in his current situation, would not know what to answer. It would be a lie if he answered how he did before.

“More than yesterday but less than tomorrow. Each and every day I spend with you just increases my love for you.”

A lie.

It was the truth at one point.

But things change.

‘And I hate when they do,’ Haknyeon thought to himself. It hurt him as he slowly accepted that his feelings were fading. It had been months already when he started accepting it, but he kept going as he did with Sunwoo. He did not want Sunwoo to notice that things were changing. That the Haknyeon he fell in love with was slowly disappearing.

“Babe,” Sunwoo said as he patted the space beside him,” Let’s watch a movie! Eric recommended me this movie and I think you will like it.”

“What movie is it?” Haknyeon asked.

“Architecture 101,” Sunwoo answered,” Come on.”

Haknyeon smiled. He was familiar with the movie itself and he never mentioned to Sunwoo that he wanted to watch it. The fact that Sunwoo thought that Haknyeon would like it meant something special for the latter. Haknyeon knew Sunwoo’s way of showing his love was through little things, like remembering the little details he told him. Sunwoo was never the type to do grand gestures of love.

Haknyeon sat beside Sunwoo and grabbed a pillow near him. Sunwoo, on the other hand, wrapped his arm around Haknyeon’s shoulders.

It felt like everything was in its right place. But at the same time, Haknyeon knew something felt off. Sunwoo’s touch felt cold to him. Even though he was beside the man who had been his home for years, why did Haknyeon felt like he added distance between them? Even though there was a romance film playing in front of Haknyeon’s eyes, all he could think about that was the uncertainty and coldness he felt.

“Whatever’s bothering you, Haknyeon, you know I’m just here,” Sunwoo quietly said. Haknyeon was surprised by his words.

“When did you notice?” he asked, obviously nervous about the conversation.

“Since it started,” Sunwoo sighed, pausing the movie,” I thought you’d tell me sooner but this continued for months and months and I don’t know.”

“I…”

“You don’t need to tell me now if you aren’t ready or sure,” Sunwoo reassured Haknyeon before kissing his forehead,” Just remember I’m here. I’m always here for you.”

‘You won’t be if you knew,’ Haknyeon thought as he looked into Sunwoo’s almond eyes.

“Come here, Sunwoo,” Haknyeon whined, covering himself with the thick comforter from his bed,” I want cuddles.”

“Wait,” Sunwoo was carefully placing the tray of hot chocolate on the bedside table,” Your mom told me to bring this here.”

“Quickly!” Haknyeon demanded. Sunwoo laughed. Haknyeon was always the clingy type, just not the type to be this noisy about it though. As soon as Sunwoo was done, he hurriedly jumped into bed and tackled Haknyeon with a hug.

“It’s so cold,” Sunwoo hummed as he looked at Haknyeon.

“You’re so warm,” Haknyeon smiled as he pulled Sunwoo closer to him,” Your name fits you.”

“Hm?” Sunwoo raised an eyebrow.

“Sun,” Haknyeon paused,” Woo.”

“Because I’m good at wooing the sun, another name for Ju Haknyeon?”

“How am I the sun, Sunwoo? Your name literally has sun in it.”

“Because my world revolves around you,” Sunwoo innocently answered, making Haknyeon flustered.

“What’s that?” Haknyeon managed to blurt out,” How can you say those words shamelessly?”

“Why should I feel shame when it’s the truth?” Sunwoo laughed,” You’re so adorable, babe.”

“Oh shut up,” Haknyeon covered Sunwoo’s mouth with his hands before kissing the back of his hands. Sunwoo removed Haknyeon’s hands and kissed the latter’s lips.

“Mmm,” Sunwoo hummed before smirking,” How about we do something else to warm our bodies up?”

“Sunwoo!”

“Sunwoo.”

Sunwoo turned his head to Haknyeon who just entered the room. He had this serious expression on his phase which made the younger feel nervous.

“What is it, Haknyeon?” Sunwoo tilted his head.

“Okay, I’ll tell you what’s bothering me,” Haknyeon said as he sat on the bed,” It’s been haunting me.”

Sunwoo shifted his position in order to show how invested he was with whatever Haknyeon was going to tell him.

“Please do,” Sunwoo said, patting the space beside him,” I’ve been so worried about you, babe.”

Haknyeon flinched when he heard the last word. He knew it was going to be difficult for both of them to register whatever he was feeling at that moment. His lips were shaking. He did not know how to explain it without hurting Sunwoo. He did not want to hurt Sunwoo. But he did not want to pretend in front of him and to give him something as fake as his sweetness in the recent weeks.

“Sunwoo,” Haknyeon said Sunwoo’s name again but Sunwoo felt that Haknyeon was distancing himself.

“Haknyeon?” Sunwoo said. Haknyeon flinched. There was an obvious difference between the ways they said each other’s names. Haknyeon said Sunwoo’s name as if it was of a stranger. Sunwoo said Haknyeon’s with so much love and warmth like he always did.

It was a small detail. It was only the way they said their names. But Sunwoo understood what Haknyeon was going to tell him without Haknyeon implicitly saying it. Haknyeon noticed how Sunwoo’s expression changed. There was this glint of sadness, of fear showing in his eyes.

“So are you going to tell me? What’s bothering you?” Sunwoo said in a quiet voice. Haknyeon knew Sunwoo was afraid of what was to come but if he didn’t say it, Sunwoo wouldn’t get the clear picture.

Haknyeon inhaled sharply.

“I…” Haknyeon opened his mouth but no other words went out. How can there be? When Sunwoo looked like he was dying inside without the oral confirmation of the situation?

“Whenever you touched me, I felt warm, Sunwoo. Every day with you was filled with this energy that I can’t describe until now,” Haknyeon started. He knew it was going to be difficult to have this discussion with Sunwoo but they were both adults. He did not want this to erupt into a big fight. He wanted to notify Sunwoo of what was happening within him, his internal struggle with how his feelings were slowly disappearing.

“I see that every verb you used… Past tense?” Sunwoo had this smile on his lips but Haknyeon could see how hurt Sunwoo was.

“But things change and I hate it,” Haknyeon felt tears forming in his eyes but he tried suppressing them. He needed to calm himself down. He needed to keep himself together.

For clarity.

For Sunwoo too.

Sunwoo deserved to know how he felt so he could decide whether to end his relationship with Haknyeon at that point, knowing that this love was one-sided at that point, or to continue being with Haknyeon.

Yes, Haknyeon knew he should put the decision in Sunwoo’s hands. It was a burden, for sure, on Sunwoo, but Haknyeon knew he did not want to leave Sunwoo’s side. It was selfish, to stay with someone just because they loved you, but Haknyeon knew in his mind that he could not leave Sunwoo. It would kill Haknyeon to leave Sunwoo’s side, even though his feelings did change.

“How did… When did your…” Sunwoo could not form the questions in his head but Haknyeon understood what he meant. He rehearsed the possible questions Sunwoo was going to have and how to answer these questions as sincere and clear that he could.

“I don’t know when it started, but I just noticed a few months ago,” Haknyeon inhaled, trying to focus on his thoughts,” I thought it was normal to get used to you. I mean, we have been with each other for most of our lives, but when I realized that I didn’t look forward to going home as I did before, when I could not feel the warmth of your touch… I knew it wasn’t normal. But I always hope that this is temporary. I do hope that I will feel your warmth again… but it feels freezing, to be touched by you.”

“Haknyeon…” Sunwoo covered his eyes, trying to hide his tears,” It’s cold? To be touched by me? All those nights? You were freezing?”

“I’m sorry, Sunwoo,” Haknyeon almost choked on his words,” I’ve been pretending all these weeks. Every ‘I love you’ felt so empty. I am not the same Haknyeon you love, Sunwoo. I’m so sorry.”

“Is this the end then?” Sunwoo asked. It hurt Haknyeon watching Sunwoo break down in front of him. But this was the truth.

It was cruel to say all these things.

But it was the truth.

Haknyeon debated in his mind before whether it was worse to continue pretending in front of everyone or to tell Sunwoo the truth. He decided that it was better for Sunwoo to be aware of the truth, so he would not ask himself what went wrong. But Haknyeon also thought Sunwoo was going to blame himself for this sudden shift of feelings Haknyeon had.

“Is this our end?” Sunwoo asked.

“Sunwoo,” Haknyeon finally took a step closer to Sunwoo. All this time, he glued himself near the door, afraid of this confrontation. He sat beside Sunwoo, but he did not touch him. He knew he did not have any right to touch him.

“Haknyeon, you don’t love me… Am I right?”

“Sunwoo…”

“Are you saying it’s over?”

“No,” Haknyeon answered. Sunwoo paused in his sobbing and peeked at Haknyeon. He was obviously confused.

“You say… You don’t love me… And yet we are not over?”

“I don’t want to end it like this, Sunwoo,” Haknyeon confessed,” but I want you to know how I feel.”

“What do you want me to do now?” Sunwoo asked. He was trembling.

“I’m giving you the decision,” Haknyeon was trying to read Sunwoo’s face if there was any trace of what his answer could be.

“What decision?” Sunwoo slowly dropped his hands and looked at Haknyeon. His eyes were visibly red. His skin was pale. Haknyeon knew what he said drained the life out of Sunwoo in an instant.

“I don’t want to leave you, Sunwoo. You’re the best thing happening to me,” Haknyeon explained,” So I’m going to give you the decision to either leave me or stay with me.”

“What?” Sunwoo looked at Haknyeon as if he said something crazy. And Haknyeon knew this was a crazy thing to say in the midst of what was happening. Honestly, he was also aware that this decision was a burden. He was pushing this burden unto Sunwoo and it was a cowardly thing to do. But he could not decide for himself.

Was it better for Sunwoo if he stayed despite Haknyeon’s changed heart?

Or was it better to end a relationship that was one-sided at that point?

“You decide,” Haknyeon offered his hand,” If you need time to think about it, I understand.”

“I’ll,” Sunwoo inhaled sharply,” I’m going to spend the night out to think about it.”

“No, don’t,” Haknyeon shook his head,” I’ll just stay out. How about this? If you’re still here in the morning, it means you want to stay, despite everything I told you. If you’re gone, then it means we’re over.”

“Okay,” Sunwoo said in a quiet voice, giving Haknyeon a small nod,” Where will you stay?”

“I’ll sleep at my sister’s place for now,” Haknyeon answered. Sunwoo seemed content with that and turned away from Haknyeon.

“Okay, I’ll just…” Sunwoo slowly crawled to his side of the bed,” I’ll stay here then.”

“Mhm,” Haknyeon hummed as he stood up,” See you in the morning… or not.”

Haknyeon did not get any response from Sunwoo after that.

“The leaves are so beautiful.”

Sunwoo said as he looked up.

“It’s just sad,” Haknyeon frowned.

“Why is it sad?” Sunwoo asked as he intertwined his fingers with Haknyeon’s.

“Because they’re slowly dying,” Haknyeon answered.

“Doesn’t that make them more beautiful?” Sunwoo looked at Haknyeon with a calm smile on his lips,” In their last seconds in the world, they’re still doing their best, and in those efforts, their beauty shines more.”

“I don’t get you,” Haknyeon pouted,” Is it ideal to have a beautiful end?”

“Hm,” Sunwoo shrugged,” Everything has an end after all. It’s better to end things beautifully.”

“Not everything,” Haknyeon argued.

“What doesn’t have an end then?” Sunwoo asked.

“Us.”

It was the morning after.

Haknyeon found himself looking up to the autumn leaves as he walked back to their apartment. He was nervous, to be honest. He did not know what Sunwoo’s decision was. Sunwoo did not text him or do anything. Haknyeon could not even sleep the previous night because of that. Sunwoo had the right to leave him then and there. He did not deserve to be in a relationship where he was the only one loving the other. But Haknyeon knew it was selfish to hope that Sunwoo chose to stay by his side.

Haknyeon was staring at the door of their apartment. He did not want to open it. He was scared but he knew he was to face Sunwoo’s decision.

“I should…” Haknyeon whispered to himself as he held the doorknob,” I should face the consequences, whatever they are.”

He closed his eyes, remembering how sad Sunwoo looked the night before. His heart ached for him. He hated that he had to change. But he did.

Haknyeon turned the doorknob and opened the door. He opened his eyes and looked at the shoe rack they had in front.

Two pairs were gone.

Haknyeon was wearing one pair. Sunwoo must be wearing the other one.

“So that’s it,” Haknyeon had this bitter smile on his lips,” So it’s over.”

Haknyeon trapped himself in a maze of memories. If he was the one to choose, if he really had control over his feelings, he would have never fallen out of love. Sunwoo, the one being Haknyeon wanted to keep for himself forever, slipped from his fingers, because of how impermanent his love was. But Haknyeon could not blame Sunwoo for choosing a life without him. Sunwoo deserved someone who would love him, who would be more consistent than he was.

“Haknyeon.”

Haknyeon thought he was being delusional.

That maybe he was imagining Sunwoo’s voice.

“Haknyeon.”

He froze in his place. He wasn’t being delusional. Haknyeon could feel his heart stopping. He did not know if he should turn around and check if it was really Sunwoo. He might disappear forever if Haknyeon turned around.

“Sunwoo,” Haknyeon’s voice was shaky. He knew he did not deserve to call his name after what happened the night before, and after Sunwoo made his decision to leave him. That was the deal after all. If Sunwoo was not in their apartment, it meant the relationship was over. And obviously, Sunwoo was not.

But there was this hope lighting up in Haknyeon’s chest. He was not sure if he should cling on to this hope, if it meant anything, or if Sunwoo was just there to say his farewell and vanish into the cold breeze. Haknyeon knew Sunwoo was waiting for him to turn around but he wanted time to freeze.

The wind was not that bad if it meant keeping the sun behind him. But he needed to. Sunwoo did not deserve to wait for him.

“Haknyeon,” Sunwoo called his name again. Haknyeon felt crushed that he felt nothing but guilt when he did.

“Hm?” Haknyeon almost turned his head but he stopped himself,” Did you want to say anything?”

“Just one thing,” Sunwoo said. Haknyeon heard his steps going nearer and nearer towards him.

“One thing?” Haknyeon asked,” What is it?”

“I love you,” Sunwoo was shivering. Haknyeon heard it in his voice. It was obvious that Sunwoo wanted to hear it back from Haknyeon but he did not want to lie to Sunwoo. Not anymore.

“And?”

Haknyeon heard Sunwoo inhale sharply behind him. He was a few steps away.

“Aren’t you going to turn around?” Sunwoo asked.

“Just say what you have to say,” Haknyeon said as he closed his eyes and clenched his fists. He felt Sunwoo’s arms wrap around him, enveloping him in a back hug.

“Haknyeon…” Sunwoo murmured into Haknyeon’s back,” This is my decision.”

“What does this mean then?” Haknyeon asked, caressing Sunwoo’s arms. Haknyeon felt Sunwoo’s breath on his back. He was saying something but Haknyeon could not understand it. Slowly, Sunwoo slipped his arms off of Haknyeon.

Inside Haknyeon’s mind, he knew what it meant. He hoped Sunwoo would be happy with his decision. He hoped everything will go back to normal in the future.

What was normal?

He did not know at that point.

Haknyeon slowly turned around. It was his first time to see Sunwoo after their conversation last night. Sunwoo had this mysterious and haunting smile on his lips. His eyes were tired, maybe because he was crying last night. But the smile alone told Haknyeon everything he needed to know. He knew Sunwoo for a long time after all. He understood nonverbal cues like that.

At that moment, Haknyeon knew Sunwoo was sure of his decision. And he accepted it in his heart.