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Goshiki thinks his biggest flaw is that he doesn’t think about things before he does them. Usually when he does things like that, they don’t have long lasting consequences, so he doesn’t really pay them any mind. Similarly, he doesn’t think he has any regrets either. Well at least that was the case until around three hours, forty two minutes ago - that was when Shiratorizawa Academy lost to Karasuno High. When the sound of the ball hitting the ground of their side of the court registered, by then the opposing team had already started celebrating and Goshiki couldn’t believe his eyes. His stomach dropped. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end - that wasn’t how he thought it would end. It wasn’t supposed to end.
He couldn’t pay attention after that. It was just flashes of things he did wrong, things he should’ve done and things that were out of his control. Either way, the dread that filled him didn’t go away, even almost four hours later. He’s supposed to be the new ace now, but the ace is someone who the whole team can rely on, he isn’t that. He isn’t Ushijima. He can’t be, not by a longshot. Why did he ever think of the other as his rival when it’s always been obvious their skills are a thousand light years apart. He was arrogant and cocky, he overestimated himself - he overestimated everything.
When Ushijima told him that he’s counting on him, Goshiki should’ve felt lighter - being acknowledged by his idol after all, but instead all that filled him was anger. Anger at himself. But then partially at Ushijima too. How does he expect him to fill his shoes? He’s nowhere as good as him. Maybe if he himself hadn’t tried to show off, maybe he could’ve been a little better. Maybe, just maybe.
His dorm room feels suffocating, but he doesn’t want to leave either. He doesn’t want to walk outside and show his face after what just happened. He knows he’ll eventually have to, but for now he’ll like to stay here, no matter how weak it makes him feel. For him volleyball isn’t really an escape from reality, when all he really thinks about is volleyball. It’s practically his life. It’s just a match, it’s just a match, it’s just a match , he tries to keep telling himself that, but it’s a match that made him realize his worthless pride - it should be an eyeopener for him to try and do better, but instead he feels exhausted. Just utterly drained and sick to his stomach.
He brings his knees up to his chest and hugs them closer. He’s glad his roommate Iida left him alone, but the loneliness is eating him up as well. He doesn’t think anyone will understand what he’s feeling right now.
Loneliness. It’s strange really, he doesn’t think he’s ever experienced loneliness. He’s always been a bright kid and that automatically made him have many friends, but right now...he feels lonely. He wants someone he can hold on to and cry on. Someone who will tell him it’s alright even if it’s not, just someone that won’t leave .
He closes his eyes, resting his forehead on his knees. He doesn’t know why, but he starts feeling his breathing pick up. He’s never really thought about people in his life leaving, because he’s never really thought anyone would leave, but now there’s suddenly a huge void in him that he doesn’t know how to fill, and it’s making him afraid . He doesn’t want to know what happens next. He doesn’t want to be hurt.
Why does it feel like the world is ending? Why does it feel like this is it?
There’s a million questions on his mind, along which a new worry is attached to - things he’s never really given a damn to think about, but now it just feels so surreal.
He doesn’t realize he’s shaking or that he’s crying, until he starts hearing someone gasping for air, only to realize it’s him. And then it hits him, he can’t breathe properly. Panic is the first thing on his mind, but he can’t find his voice, all he can manage are more tears and sobs. It physically hurts . It’s so bad. He wants it to stop, but he can’t do anything. His breathing doesn’t get any better even when he tries the breathing exercises they do in practice - or did he really use them? His mind is hazy, and it hurts .
“Goshiki-kun?” He registers the voice over his tears, making him realize that someone’s been knocking on his door. “Can I come in?” It takes him another moment to recognize the voice - it’s Kawanishi.
The voice is familiar and he feels somewhat safe, helping him calm down momentarily. “Yeah,” He manages to choke out, his voice shaky even to him, making him sound like anyone but himself.
He watches the doorknob twist and the door open. He watches the way Kawanishi enters the room hesitantly, his expression going from being contemplative, to worry in an instant. Kawanishi doesn’t ask questions, it’s almost as if he knows , as he shuts the door behind him as quickly as he can, practically running over to his bed. That’s when Goshiki himself realizes that he had stopped breathing entirely. He suddenly gasps for air and more tears run down his face.
Kawanishi’s lips are moving, but he can’t hear him, everything feels like such a blur.
And then the ginger is cupping his face in his hands, the action bringing him back to his senses momentarily. “Goshiki, breathe for me.” Kawanishi speaks softly, wiping his tears with his thumbs. He wants to tell him that he doesn’t know how. It feels like all basic human reflexes are gone - he feels so exhausted.
“I-I can’t,” Goshiki sobs. It isn’t just that but words have started feeling like such a hassle and he can’t even form any coherent thoughts other than he wants it to stop. Someone please make it stop.
“Come on, breathe in,” Kawanishi says before inhaling deeply. Despite being in the midst of panic, Goshiki does as he’s told - Kawanishi is his upperclassman afterall and it’s almost like it’s the only thing he can actually remember. Everything feels like it’s spinning. “Breathe out.” He says, exhaling and Goshiki follows his instructions.
“Breathe in,” he says again, “breath out.”
Kawanishi repeats the instructions multiple times, doing them as well and Goshiki follows every single time, until his breathing isn’t as bad as it was before, though he doesn’t really stop crying or shaking for that matter. His head is still spinning but it doesn’t hurt as much, but the void in his chest is still there.
“I-I’m sorry.” He says quietly. There’s a million reasons for what he’s sorry for, but that’s not exactly what he wants to say either. He doesn’t know, everything is still a blur. He can’t concentrate.
“Shhh,” Kawanishi says, wiping the new tears that have started forming on his face with his thumbs, still looking concerned and Goshiki hates it - he never wanted his upperclassman to be distraught, especially not because of him. “Nothing is your fault and you did nothing wrong.” The ginger reassures him, his expression still worried, but he looks less tense than he was a few seconds again.
“But I-” He can’t even bring himself to finish the sentence, the lump in his throat not allowing him to, instead he bursts into more tears. He’s so pathetic, crying like a little baby in front of his senpai, isn’t he? He’s the new ace now and probably future captain, he shouldn’t be crying over trivial things. “I-I…” But he is and he can’t stop himself. He doesn’t have the energy to do anything else.
Why? Why? Why?
“Shhh,” Kawanishi says, wrapping his arms around him, bringing him to his chest. “I know how you feel...I know it so well…” Says the ginger and Goshiki doesn’t think twice about wrapping his arms around the other and crying into his shirt. His senpai should leave. Why hasn’t he left yet? This isn’t his problem. He isn’t his problem. Why?
“I-I feel s-so helpless...a-and I know I could’ve done better I just-” He wants to say so many things, but he can’t. He doesn’t know how to properly describe how he feels, other than the fact that it hurts . Why does it hurt? There’s something wrong with him isn’t there? “I-I just want it to stop hurting.”
“Do you want me to distract you?” Kawanishi asks quietly and Goshiki nods into his shirt. He hears his senpai exhale shakily. “So uhh, my mom’s been pressuring me to start looking into colleges lately ‘cause I’m going to be a third year next year and in college prep classes and um my sister, she keeps saying I should go to the same one she goes to to keep tabs on me...you should meet her sometime, you’d like her and she’d really like you too - actually she’d hug you so tightly and say you’re the cutest person to walk this Earth and then proceed to put clips in your hair and give you a makeover.” Somehow the thought of meeting Kawanishi’s sister makes his stomach do a flip - but not in a bad way like it had been doing a few minutes prior. He huffs out a small laugh weakly.
“And then she would never stop bugging me about you and not that I mind, she just...she’s weird, but yeah.” The ginger says, as he starts stroking Goshiki’s hair - it’s comforting and he finds himself leaning into the touch. “What about you, Goshiki-kun, have you made plans for the future?”
The question catches him off guard and he holds his breath for a moment. He’s never really given his future any thought, opting to live in the present. “I...haven’t really thought about it.” He answers honestly, before realizing he’s stopped crying entirely...and it doesn’t hurt...he just feels numb - it’s better than it hurting at least. And then another realization hits him; this is the first time he and Kawanishi have ever actually talked. He’s always been intimidated by the second year, always choosing to not talk to him and only to respond when addressed to and the other didn’t seem too interested in talking to him either, but the ginger is in fact the one who came into his room. Why?
He doesn’t ask though and Kawanishi hums. “I never really thought about it until recently either,” The older boy admits. “But, I feel like it gives you a whole new perspective on things...and it’s better than dwelling on past regrets and mistakes, you know? Why waste time on things you could’ve done or shouldn’t have done, when you can try to improve instead? Well that’s my take on things anyway.” Kawanishi explains and Goshiki knows he’s right, but there’s still this certain feeling of uneasiness from the match a few hours prior in him - but he guesses it’s because it's barely been a day for everything to actually kick in.
“Just think about it, even for a second.” The other advises, his hand still in Goshiki’s hair.
And so he does, as he closes his eyes, not daring to move away from the other. What does his future look like? Well for starters, he’s fairly certain he’ll still be playing volleyball. He doubts he’ll go to university, he’s never really been interested in any subject to consider going to university. Maybe he’ll have a nice apartment somewhere in Sendai. Maybe even a significant other. He’s never really thought of having a partner before, but all of a sudden it’s like his brain just realized something. So what would his significant other look like? He tries imagining it many ways, but every way just seems to make it a guy. Oh .
Well, he’s never really questioned his sexuality before, too busy with other things, but he’s just thankful he didn’t go through a crisis like most people trying to figure out his sexuality.
So it’s a guy. That’s fine. He’s cool with it. He’s content with leaving it at that, but then his brain is suddenly conjuring up an image that looks way too much like his senpai, Kawanishi, looking like he’s an actual angel from heaven, as he smiles, holding his hand. The fluttering in his stomach returns, and then no, no, no, this cannot be happening .
He had long accepted that his senpai was attractive - but that was clearly objectively, right? Plus, they’ve never really even talked - except for now, which he’s still very flustered and confused about, he’s pretty sure his senpai has never been this talkative even with Shirabu. But then why did he feel so safe by his presence when he barely knows him? Why does his stomach feel like it’s filled with butterflies when he’s around him? Why is Kawanishi so comforting and why does his warmth make Goshiki want to be in his arms forever?
For once Goshiki thinks he knows the answer. The answer is written in bright neon colored bold letters, right in front of him. It’s obvious.
And if that isn’t enough, wanting to kiss his senpai right now surely isn’t platonic at all, so he guesses that maybe, just maybe, somewhere along the line he developed romantic feelings for the ginger in front of him. It’s always the mysterious guys, isn’t it?
“So, did you think about your future?” Kawanishi asks, bringing him out of his thoughts.
Sighing deeply, Goshiki untangles himself from the ginger, wiping his face with his fingers and removing some of the snot on his nose with the back of his hand, before nodding. “Yeah.” I want you to be my future , he wants to say, but he’ll keep quiet, it’s best for now.
At that, Kawanishi smiles at him and oh , Goshiki knows how rare this is and his heart aches - in a great way and he just practically melts. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this way towards anyone else, nor has he thought of anyone the way he thinks of Kawanishi. He’s heard stories of people’s crushes, but he thinks this feels better than that. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt more safe in his life. It sort of makes him want to cry - in a good way but he’s too tired right now. Suddenly Kawanishi’s smile leaves just as quickly as it came, being replaced by a frown instead. “Are you okay now?” He asks, sounding a bit concerned again. It makes Goshiki’s heart rate pick up.
Goshiki nods, wiping his face again for good measure. “I’m good now, yeah.” He says, before feeling his stomach rumble. “Just a little hungry.” He confesses, looking down at his lap sheepishly. He couldn’t eat anything after the match, nor after the hundred serves he was forced to do, feeling too sick to his stomach to do so.
“Well, I don’t have a lot of money right now, but I can buy you some McDonalds.” Kawanishi says, as he brings his hand behind to try and get his phone.
It’s Goshiki’s turn to frown. “You don’t have to waste your money, I was just saying.” He tells the ginger. “I can just go get a sandwich from the cafeteria, Kawanishi-senpai.”
“I want to.” Kawanishi reassures, deadly seriously.
Goshiki sighs, but smiles nonetheless. “Okay.”
Kawanishi grabs his phone from his back pocket, as he opens it, probably to open his McDonald’s app. Goshiki can’t help but watch him. His senpai is the epitome of handsome . He’s tall, has really nice arms and thighs (that Goshiki embarrassingly admits to looking at a lot) and his face is pretty .
“Why did you come to my dorm?” Goshiki suddenly blurts out, the question bugging him for a hot moment now.
Kawanishi turns to him in surprise, but his expression softens. “I wanted to see you.” He admits bluntly, not ashamed. .
Goshiki raises an eyebrow. “To see if I was okay?”
“Partially.” The ginger answers a bit sheepishly. “I don’t know um...my gut just told me to come see you, I guess.” He says, avoiding eye contact with him, his ears turning pink. .
“Thank you for coming,” He says genuinely. “I...I don’t know what I’d have done if you weren’t here...so thank you for everything.”
Kawanishi smiles at him and Goshiki thinks, I want to see that everyday .