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Yeonjun and Soobin have known each other since school days.
Six years ago Yeonjun called out the school bullies for bothering Soobin and in return, Soobin saved Yeonjun from punishment and ran fifty laps across the school field instead of him.
That day a calm, smart 14-year-old, Choi Soobin, and the popular ace, Choi Yeonjun became friends.
As years have passed, they’ve grown to become the best of friends.
Through math tests, braces, and 10 PM curfews, they became inseparable.
Today is Yeonjun’s 21st birthday, his boyfriend has thrown an unnecessarily huge party at their apartment.
While the preparations for the party are going on at Yeonjun’s place, his best friend Soobin isn’t anywhere to be found.
__________________________________
Yeonjun and Haejun had invited their close friends to their apartment to help set up before everyone else arrived. Soobin was the only one who was missing.
“I’m sure he contacted you.”, Taehyun said as he stacked beer bottles in the refrigerator.
“Yeah, last night he did but I was meeting Haejun’s parents so I didn’t pick up…He hasn’t even replied to any of my messages... they’re not even delivering.”, Yeonjun stated as he kept on checking socials to see if Soobin had been active there.
“Don’t worry, love. He’s not gonna miss the opportunity to call you a fossil. He’s probably busy, you’ll see him at 9.” Haejun said before leaving a soft peck on Yeonjun’s forehead.
Ever since Yeonjun was 14, he spent every birthday with Soobin, no matter how big or small the plans were, Soobin was always there.
“Maybe he’s just planning something huge. It is your 21st birthday, he’s gotta make it special.”, Huening Kai joined.
He hoped that was it.
__________________________________
It was 10:30 now, all of his friends were here except his best friend.
As everyone settled down and started conversing around the room with a drink in their hands, Yeonjun was clutching his phone trying to reach Soobin.
‘Did he forget this year?’
“Is he still not picking up?”, Haejun asked, approaching Yeonjun.
Yeonjun nodded a no in response.
“That's strange. I’d expect him to be the first person to arrive and the last one to leave.”, Haejun said jokingly.
“Are you both sure he hasn’t contacted you, check your phones?” He turned to Beomgyu and Taehyun, the only others close to Soobin except him.
Yeonjun had started to get worried that no one knew where Soobin was.
“Nope.”
“Nothing.” they both hummed.
“I’m calling his mum.”
“Is this really necessary? Maybe he just doesn’t want you to reach out to him.”, Taehyun gave a questioning look to Yeonjun.
“How are you both not even slightly worried??”
Beomgyu and Taehyun looked oddly relaxed during the situation where their friend is nowhere to be found.
“Look, focus on people who are here, they came here for your birthday… He’ll show up sooner or later if he wants to.”, Beomgyu said before disappearing into the crowd again.
Yeonjun left the room in disbelief.
Their words made him feel like he was concerned over nothing but he couldn’t shake the worry if the younger one was okay or not.
He made it out of the crowded apartment and made another phone call, this time they picked up.
>“H-hello, Mrs.Choi?”
“Yes, hello, Yeonjun... I was just thinking about you! Happy Birthday, honey.”
>"Thank you, Mrs. Choi."
"Of course! come over sometime, I'll cook for you okay."
>“Yes, sure, Mrs. Choi. Uhm, I was wondering... Is Soobin around? He hasn’t been picking up my phone the whole day today. He hasn’t contacted Taehyun and Beomgyu either.”
“that’s strange…”, she replied.
>“I know that’s-”, Yeonjun was interrupted before he could finish.
“Did he not tell you? I thought you were the first one he told…
We dropped him off at the airport this morning, he's on a flight right now.”
There was only silence for a few seconds.
“Oh honey, we all thought you knew. I asked Taehyun and Beomgyu all the time where you were and they said you’re busy with work…”
‘they know?...’, he thought to himself.
>“Uhm oh yes I guess I uhm- forgot, I thought he was uhm... leaving uh- tonight.
Hahah so silly of me, I guess I mixed it up. Ah, yeah work has been just... a lot lately so I've been busy."
"Oh I see, don't worry about it. Soobin knew you were busy, he probably didn't want to disturb you either."
'...but he knows I took a few days off...'
>"Aah, yes. Uhm, thank you, I'm sorry for bothering you this late.”
“Oh okay. No problem, honey... Take care hmm? Good night."
>"Yes, you too. Good night..."
with that, he cut off the phone call.
Yeonjun was confused, he didn’t know what to think. He wasn’t even sure if he heard it right in the first place.
After processing what he just heard he made his way back inside the crowded room to confront Taehyun and Beomgyu who were standing by the balcony chatting.
“I just called Soobin’s mum and- she... she said he left...?”, Yeonjun started.
"Did you know anything about this?”, he asked.
Both of them could see he was boiling with confusion and anger.
“Answer me??”, he repeated, taking turns glaring at the two.
“Yeah, he left for London.”, Beomgyu started in a calm tone taking a sip from his bottle of beer.
“Wha-What? For what??”
“The program, what else... he left this morning.”, the brunette continued.
Yeonjun couldn’t believe this.
Of course, he knew Soobin had applied to the Royal Academy to learn music, Soobin’s love and talent for music was one of the things Yeonjun admired about him.
He still remembers asking every once in a while if Soobin had heard back from the institution but Soobin always said no.
Finding out like this when he would expect to hear all of this from Soobin, he was offended and hurt.
“And you all didn’t think of telling me? Is this a big joke?! Is this funny?!”, he was getting more and more upset over how he received the news.
“Well when is he coming back???”, his eyes were wandering back and forth between the two boys, begging for answers.
“I don’t think even he knows, he doesn’t have a return ticket yet.”
The pit in his stomach was growing deeper with each passing second.
“He didn’t want you to know.”, Taehyun continued.
“We promised.”, Beomgyu flashed him an apologetic smile.
“Did I do something wrong?? Is he mad at me??”
Yeonjun was desperate to find an answer, his mind was in chaos.
“I mean... he’s not mad at you... He just didn’t want to tell you.”, Beomgyu tried to calmly respond but his answers had too many gaps and even he knew it.
“Then why couldn’t he have just told me, I mean of course I would’ve asked him to stay but it's just because I’d miss him but-”
“Do you really not know? Are you really that dumb?!”, the younger blonde blurted, suddenly losing his patience.
“He stayed the first time because of you, you idiot !”, he continued.
“Taehyun…”, Beomgyu silently called his name trying to calm him down.
“I’ve had enough of this shit !”, Taehyun shouted with boiling frustration.
If it wasn’t for the loud music in the background people around them would’ve mistaken this for a fight.
Anyone could tell that Taehyun had too much he wanted to say to Yeonjun but he was holding back.
“It’s his birthday…”, the brunette reminded the blonde.
“So what?! He’s still the biggest moron on this planet after Soobin.”
Yeonjun kept quiet the whole time, this was so much information he had to process in a matter of minutes and none of it made sense to him because he couldn’t think of a reason why.
They haven’t had a fight in weeks, the last time was because Soobin said he doesn’t listen to what the younger tries to tell him.
But Soobin can’t be getting back at him for that, he’s not the type to hold a grudge after a fight, Yeonjun knew.
For Yeonjun, the boy who never hid anything from his Hyung has now hopped on a plane to move timezones away without sharing a word with him.
That thought made him feel even more detached from Soobin.
“All of you are fucking with me, I’m not buying this.”, Yeonjun finally spoke up facing the floor, frowned in disbelief.
“That coward can’t move to a different country by himself without even telling me...on...on my birthday.”
With that, he left the two to find Haejun. He asked Haejun to take care of the party while he was gone and promised to be back before anyone even realizes he'd left.
He had to go check on his own.
He made his way out and hurriedly put on his coat.
He took a cab to Soobin’s building and rushed to his apartment.
Each passing second he got more and more scared of the answer that awaited him.
He unlocked the entrance door with his spare key.
“Please just be there, please just be there… please…”, he pleaded under his breath while he gripped onto the metal doorknob.
He could hear his heartbeat in his ears.
He twisted the handle and opened the door just to find the apartment empty.
The younger’s books, computer, clothes, everything was gone.
Yeonjun could see the empty spaces in the baby blue flat which used to be filled with pictures he clicked of Soobin.
For minutes, Yeonjun stood staring at Soobin’s piano covered with bedsheets at the corner of the living room.
‘he- really… left ?’
The kitchen was empty except for a cardboard box on the counter.
He opened it to see all of the vinyl records he had ever lent Soobin.
Stuck between them was an envelope that read “Yeonjun Hyung”.
With impatient hands, he opened the envelope to find a handwritten letter from Soobin...
Hyung,
First of all, see, I told you I’d return your vinyl someday.
Also, I really hope Beomgyu didn’t break any of them. I asked him to be extra careful with these.
All of them were safe and intact when they left my apartment, I promise.
On a different note, I really hope this letter reached you safely because this is the last time I’ll be reaching out to you for a while.
I’m leaving the country, Hyung.
I didn’t tell you this but I got accepted to the Academy 6 months back...
I know this is unfair to you but telling you this face to face meant also telling you why I stayed the first time...
I told myself it was because I’d have to move my life,
it would’ve been too much work,
Seoul is familiar but it was because I’d not see you every day.
I know it's pathetic, but that was enough of a reason for me to pretend as if I’d never known I got into the program in the first place.
Now that I look back it's funny how it didn’t even take me a minute to tell my parents I was staying.
When they asked "why", I didn’t have an answer because I didn’t even want to admit it myself.
I love every moment I spend with you, Hyung.
I’m so grateful for the friendship we shared over the past 6 years.
No matter what it was, you always pulled through for me. You always showed up for your Soobinie.
I appreciate you so much, Hyung, words don’t suffice.
Now as we part I wanted to ask you, was I that good at hiding it? Are you that oblivious?
Maybe if I’d told you that night even when we were wasted I would’ve still stood a chance... ever since I found out, ever since I realized my feelings for you, I wanted to tell you so bad.
Each day the words would reach my tongue but not leave my lips. Every single day, I’d want to tell you but I was too scared, Hyung.
Did I even deserve you?
You’re so perfect in every way, why would you even say yes?
In my mind, I was scared our friendship would’ve been shattered and become unmendable...
What a fool I am, cause look, I’m doing it with my own hands right now.
Maybe I was stupid, maybe I was too drunk but I swear for a second I saw that look; the look I could only wish to see in your eyes for me, the way you look at him, the way he looks at you...
for a moment that night,
l felt whole.
Even though it was for a split second, even if my drunk mind may have made it up, I will forever have that moment imprinted in my mind.
And again, like the fool I am, I latched to the chance of us being together because of that one look.
Exactly a week after that night, you met him.
I find it painfully hilarious how I myself introduced you to the man you’ve fallen in love with today.
I’m happy for you but if I knew I was writing my own heartbreak I would’ve turned my car around that night, taken us blocks away from that party, and confessed my feelings for you then and there…
if I’d known that in the end we were supposed to break apart like this, I at least would’ve told you all of this in person and not like a coward hiding behind a piece of paper.
Watching you fall in love with him was the most painful thing I’ve ever done.
Every moment I saw you smiling at your phone, all those SNS posts, all the meals when you already had plans. It surprised me how you always get your coffee order wrong but you remembered what he said he wanted for his birthday that one time, months back.
I’ve felt my heartbreak in every single one of those moments, Hyung.
I hated that even though we were so close, compared to what you had with him, what we had felt like nothing.
I hated that all the times I wanted to say how you deserve better I couldn’t, because I didn’t even know if I was good enough for you.
This took me a while to realize but, I’m starting to lose myself in you. I don’t know the last time I played the piano because I wanted to or wrote melodies about anyone else but you.
And what's the point if I can’t ask you to hear them?
What’s the point if I can only keep on playing them for myself?
It hurts to keep on going like this.
I can’t even tell you the number of strangers I tried to see you in, the number of them I pretended to love for a few hours to forget your face.
It doesn’t work that easy,
I tried.
No matter who it was they never called my name like you do, they never poked my dimples, their pink hair wasn’t pink enough, their smile didn’t make my heart flutter... they weren’t Choi Yeonjun.
Why is it that no matter how much I drink, it's always you?
It's been 4 months of all of this and I’m tired…
Don’t worry, I’ve accepted everything now, so this is my attempt at a fresh start.
I don’t blame Hyung for not accepting what I never confessed.
So please don’t blame yourself. I left for me, not because of you.
I guess the one last thing I’d want to ask you is to not try to contact or visit me...
I don’t think I can go through this twice.
Even as I’m packing these boxes, I can only think of how far we are going to be from each other.
How from tomorrow I won't have Hyung calling me up to go grab breakfast or texting me asking if I reached home safe and that makes me want to stay and never think of leaving again.
I’m sorry that I missed your birthday, Hyung.
I’m sorry if flying out during your birthday was a little cruel.
I didn’t forget Hyung, I even have your birthday gift lying in this box.
If I’m honest I’ve had your gift with me for a while now but I never found the perfect timing to give it to you...
I was always worried if it would’ve been a bit too personal, I was scared you would see my feelings for you right through it.
Perhaps, now since it is a parting gift, I might not be overstepping my boundaries.
Stay happy, Hyung.
You don’t realize but your pretty smile can piece a broken heart back together.
It's 12 am now, you're not picking up... but,
Happy Birthday, Hyung.
Yours,
Soobinie
He stared at the letter blankly.
The silence in the room somehow became all the more louder.
He scanned the carton and found a small packet wrapped in pink wrapping paper.
He opened the gift wrap to expose a velvet box.
Inside it was a neck chain with a silver, coin-like pendant with delicate flowers carved out in the middle.
As he looked at the design, he instantly realized it was no random necklace.
It was the same chained pendant from three years back…
____________
“You’ve been staring at it for so long, are you going to buy it?”
The two boys in their school uniforms stood outside of a luxurious jewelry shop.
Neither of them really had a fascination with high-end jewelry.
I t just happened that on their way home Yeonjun saw something on the display line that made him stop his tracks.
“I want to but it's too expensive.”, Yeonjun pouted.
The elder almost seemed mesmerized, Soobin had never seen his Hyung be this fascinated by a tangible thing.
Yeonjun staring at the necklace through the glass looked like a child looking at the moon who wants to reach out and grab it.
He looked so cute to Soobin. He’d been smiling wide looking at Yeonjun as Yeonjun stared at the necklace.
“What's so great about it?” Soobin asked, all curious.
“See those…”, Yeonjun pointed at the flowers engraved in the middle of the circular pendant, his eyes not leaving the glass display for even a second.
“Hmmm”, Soobin softly hummed while nodding as he looked at the design Yeonjun pointed to.
“They’re carnations…”, the elder said with a beaming smile.
“they used to be my mother’s favorite flowers.”-
____________
…the memory of which Yeonjun had locked away in the depths of his mind but Soobin had remembered...
He gripped the necklace in his hand as his eyes blurred up with tears.
"Coward."
“Coward...”
“COWARD!”
“CHOI SOOBIN, YOU FUCKING COWARD!”
Yeonjun screamed as the vacant blue walls echoed it back to him.
In an empty apartment with hollow spaces, Yeonjun stood crying, gasping for air, clutching the letter that left him with more questions than answers while trying to endure the deep piercing void in his heart.
-fin-
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