Chapter Text
Greetings, Jeno
---- I hope this letter greets you when you are feeling the happiest and most joyful. I feel as if you would know who I am already, but yet an unidentified feeling in my chest tells me you've forgotten me, the others, and all we had. However, that's okay as by the time you read this, I'd be buried deeply within the soil, turned into a force of nature. Well, in that case; I should introduce myself again. Hello again, I am Na Jaemin. Do you remember me? Your best friend from diapers to college, and knowing how you are; I'd know that you would be feeling quite guilty forgetting me, but no worries. I've always been forgettable, but even if you did forget me, it wouldn't hold much importance since I know that you'd always be in my heart even if I'm not in yours.
This letter is only just to tell you the truth about how I feel after all these years, but then, my feelings were only relevant back them. I never knew when and how to start and whenever I remember your face whenever you'd think that I didn't trust you nevertheless still makes my heart feel heavy after all these years. Do you remember when I told you that I'd love you to the end of the world even if your heart is no longer within my grasp? That statement's true, it's always been true even after you asked me if I still had feelings for you when you proposed a separation. I had to lie, I wanted to see you happy the way you make me happy. Every night, I'd still long for your presence even when I knew the bare truth that my insecurities who gotten the best of me restricted me from giving you my all which led to lost feelings.
I always used to love the emotional side to me, the dark side of me, but when I finally realized that I was truly the problem, I began to hate. I hated everyone, I hated me, but yet my heart always seems to pound in the wrong way whenever I tried to think of you in a negative light until I finally admitted to myself that I've never gotten over you, that my heart's always begging for you. I knew you were falling in love with Renjun and sometimes, my thoughts get to me, picking at me. I used to wonder what I lacked, used to cry all night when I felt frustrated yet I showed up to you everyday, listening to your loving rants about Renjun.
I do admit, he's a truly beautiful being. I would understand why someone would fall for him. His smiles and the cute snaggletooth you used to tell me about made me think that he was truly perfect. I wasn't wrong as when I finally let my eyes lay on him, I realized how perfect he was. I realized what I lacked and I used to wonder day and night of how I could earn you back and whenever I'd open my mouth to try, your words about Renjun slowly pushes me back into my hermit shell I've created for myself in an attempt to protect myself, not knowing the reason I'm hurting is because of you, who I always put close to me, inside my shell. When I see your loving gazes and your awkward flirting, I reminisces in my head about how'd it feel if it was me you were doing that to, but then I'd realize how selfish I am.
I pushed you away, but you kept me close and I pushed and pushed until you fell.
I wished I could've been better, that when you wanted to leave that I would've begged and begged for you to stay. That I'd tug on your sleeve again and wrap my arms around you and pleaded you to stay and that I'd change in any way you wanted me to. I would smother you with my love till you were tired of me, but that turned into a wish, a dream that I'd knew would never happen.
My heart all these years when we finally separated as friends still, and always thought of you and even when I achieved the life I always wanted came true, my heart was occupied by you. No matter how many books I publish and how many love I get in return by the people who appreciates my work, the only love that would truly fulfill my heart's desire has always been yours. When I was so close to death, I dreamed and dreamed of you by my bedside to tell me you love me, you would stay, you would keep me until I finally broke.
I have a week more to live Jeno, but I'd be a dead man to you when you read this.
However, back to a positive note, Jeno-ah. I hope you're happy with Renjun, promise me to love him with your whole heart. Never leave him and make sure he knows his worth. Make him feel special the way you did to me or even more, make him happy, but also make sure you're happy. Take care of yourself well, Jeno. Whenever you think that no one loves you in this world, remember that even a dead man that you used to consider close is still deeply in love with you, that cares for you even if they are 6 feet under, eroding with time.
Remember that Renjun loves you. He loves you, he'll make you as happy more than anyone in the world. Never be insecure, you're amazing or even perfect if I still had a right to call you perfect the way I used to. I remember how uncomfortable you used to be when receiving compliments from strangers, the way your cheeks redden as you shyly thank the person who smiles back and leaves. Would you consider me a stranger? I hope not.
I'm the same boy you met and you left.
We were the 'would've be' to everyone, but I couldn't be the 'could be' to you.
To finally end off this long letter; my heart used to be full of butterflies when I think of you, now I'm left with coldness and a heavy heart that's slowly killing me, but I truly still love you with every inch of my soul. So, instead of my love for you killing me, I'll be the final to my life. I'll be the end to this love in silence.
Goodbye Jeno, maybe in another universe we would be, and I wouldn't be the couldn't be in this life.
Sincerely, Na Jaemin.