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Why does one feel frightened by the whole idea of love?
That's what Kya thought as she stared at the letter in front of her. A letter that came this morning and it was delivered to her house with the red seal of The Fire Nation stamped on it. Now, it was already late in the afternoon and Kya hadn't gathered the courage to open that frightening letter with its frightening red seal.
The Fire Nation meant many things to Kya, like The Hundred Years War, Iroh and Zuko, but mostly her . Sometimes Kya would stop herself from saying Izumi's name in her head or out loud, foolishly believing that this weak attempt of resolution helped her forget about Izumi. It was surprising, really, for a wild and adventurous spirit like Kya to act like a scared puppy when it comes to love. That was a subject she had to fight to understand, or perhaps she understood every detail of it. And for those with a great amount of knowledge, life could get scarier and scarier each day.
Only then, with a brief visit from her mother Katara, that Kya, eyeing her mother every now and then to feel — somehow — safer, took a deep breath and decided to open the letter.
It was a wedding invitation.
The Fire Princess Ursula, Izumi's daughter and second child, was going to marry General Atsuo in three months. Kya was aware that Ursula had been dating Atsuo since her early twenties, and now she was a thirty-two young woman, but she didn't expect to be invited. It was a royal, official invitation, and Kya had a complicated relationship with the Fire Lord. She lowered her eyes to the bottom of the letter and it was signed by Ursula herself, not Izumi. Now it made more sense.
"Are you going?", Katara asked.
"I don't know", Kya sighed. "Being around her is always uncomfortable. The last time I saw Izumi was at her coronation."
"Ten years is a very long time, Kya", Katara looked at her affectionately, almost carefully. "You can't look at the present with eyes from the past."
"But the past is very much present, mom", Kya answered firmly, but in her eyes — Katara could see it — there was an old and perhaps remediless pain. "You wouldn't understand anyway."
"I do", Katara said and by then she was already at the door, probably to avoid questions from Kya. "Well, you have three months to consider the invitation. Do it carefully."
Katara left and Kya did think about it.
Why does one lie to themselves?
Kya tried to convince her own mind that she was going to the wedding because of Ursula and Ursula only because she cared for the Princess and they had a close relationship once. That, by the way, was all true, but it did not fit as the truth entirely. The truth, the painful one, was that Kya desired to see Izumi as if her life depended on this singular moment. She knew this wouldn't do her any good, it would bring the same old anguish and some memories that she would, from time to time, wish they could vanish into thin air. But Kya also knew that her free, wild and adventurous heart belonged to the very same woman she refused to see for all those years.
How ironic could that be? And how ironic for her, who spent endless hours seeking for an excuse not to go to the wedding, to be standing right there, at the main salon of the Royal Palace. Kya realized she had never been at the salon before, the palace was unnecessarily big and the last time a wedding was performed there, it was Izumi and her husband, Akira's turn. Kya was not invited to that wedding, gladly, and for many reasons. Izumi would never do that to her at least.
And speaking of the Fire Lord, she was nowhere to be seen. The room was considerably crowded, there were people from several different places sitting on those chairs. Ursula's family and friends, including Kya, Tenzin along with Pema and the children, Bumi and, of course, Korra and Asami. Besides the future husband's family and friends. But neither Izumi nor Akira were there yet, only Iroh II and Lord Zuko were spotted exchanging a few words with Atsuo.
Kya was perhaps not visibly nervous, but inside she felt like a hurricane or a volcano about to erupt. She couldn't decide which one was worse, to see Izumi or not to see her at all. She looked down at her hands, which were clasped and sweating, and closed her eyes. She could only hope that this would end soon, but it was just about to start when the Chief Counselor, Izumi's right-hand man, asked for everybody to rise as he announced the Fire Lord herself.
Izumi emerged from one of the salon's doors, not the main one since only Princess Ursula was supposed to use it. She waved shyly at some people, using her signature discreet smile and wearing her black and red robe, with her greyish hair being adorned by her crown. Quietly, Izumi sat on the Fire Lord's chair, which was placed at the edge of the altar. Right next to her, there was Zuko, looking very much pleased as he looked at the main door every now and then, anxiously waiting for his granddaughter. There was also Iroh II, with the same serious expression as his mother. Izumi, with her hand, removed a tiny pile of dust from Iroh's official uniform and he thanked her quietly.
Kya swallowed hard, all the giant waves of emotions she felt at that moment were indescribable. She wanted to cry, she wanted to smile and she also wanted to run away from that place. But before she could do that, Izumi saw her. The Fire Lord nodded her head just slightly, for only Kya to see, and this caught her off guard completely. They stared at each other for seconds or years until Kya decided to nod back. But before she could process that whole dreadful — exciting — moment, a sound of harmonic lutes started.
It was Ursula, fully dressed in gold.
She seemed like fire itself, she was beautiful, even being taken by the man Kya very much disliked, Akira. She had a warm spot for that girl in her heart, even though Ursula was a younger and female version of her father. They shared the same vivid laugh and had the same taste for horrible jokes, Ursula was almost nothing like Izumi. Almost, because Ursula had her mother's eyes, her sharp jawline, and even the same tone of voice. Perhaps, and Kya used this same word, perhaps that's why she liked Ursula so much. The Fire Princess, who was just a little girl yesterday, smiled warmly at all the guests — including Kya — as she took the steps that would make her become, now, a spouse.
Kya remembered she absolutely hated weddings.
She also remembered when she had turned fifteen and told her parents that she would never marry, that marriage was a prison and she wanted to be free. Her parents, of course, said she could change her mind in the future and she didn't believe them. Kya kept her promise, she never married and she still hated weddings, but now for a completely different reason. Watching Ursula and Atsuo getting married, she realized that could never happen to her, even if she desired to. For years, she thought it was her fault for falling in love with the heiress of The Fire Nation's throne; out of all people, she chose the most impossible one. But now all she could think about was how unfair it was. In the end, Zuko's opinion and Izumi's opinion didn't matter at all, the nation would never accept a female Fire Lord married to a waterbender from The Water Tribe.
They would never.
A single and cold tear fell on her face, which she quickly wiped away as Ursula began to speak.
"I, Princess Ursula of The Fire Nation, take thee, Atsuo Munghai, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward. For better, for worse. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. To love and to cherish...", Ursula loudly claimed her vows.
Time, then, seemed to stop for the moment Kya's eyes found Izumi's. Neither of them was paying attention to the wedding anymore, as if they were the only people in the room now. Izumi was probably thinking the same as Kya, idealizing how their own marriage would be. They stared at each other as Ursula's words echoed in the back of their bubble, until she said her last ones.
"Till death do us part."
Atsuo kissed his bride — now wife — and everybody cheered, except for Kya and Izumi who seemed quite lost in time. But then, the Fire Lord broke the eye contact and cheered, more discreetly than the others, for her daughter as well. Kya did the same, although she felt lost, abandoned even. It felt strange and lonely not to be under Izumi's yellow gaze.
In the end, they all went to the second salon, which used to be a dining room during The Hundred Years War, for a small party. There, the recently married couple did the Seven Steps around a flame to consume their marriage once and for all. After that, it became a small, but crowded, gathering. Ursula was laughing with some guests; Meelo, Ikki and other children were chasing after each other, and Izumi was listening carefully to what her Counselor was whispering in her ear.
"Are you good there, sis?", Bumi poked her in the arm.
"Ah, yes", Kya looked at him briefly, until turning again to find Izumi in the crowd. "I'm fine."
"You're not going to talk to her, are you?", he seemed just a bit worried.
"Whatever for, Bumi?", Kya faked indifference.
"Just asking", he shrugged, then left his sister alone.
That behavior was not like her at all, Kya used to be laughter, the joy in the room. But there she seemed like a miserable and sarcastic twat. If only she could blame Izumi for this, but in the end, it was nobody's fault. Or perhaps everybody's. She sighed, tiredness taking over her body as she watched Atsuo and Ursula dancing along with the other guests. She thought it was the right moment to leave since everyone else seemed occupied enough, but a rather delicate hand stopped her. Kya's eyes widened for a second, for she thought it was Izumi, but she thought wrong.
It was Akira.
"Kya!", he smiled warmly, a smile she learned to detest.
"Akira…"
"It's lovely to see you again, it's been ages!", then Akira offered his hand. "Can I take you for a dance?"
Kya looked over his shoulder and noticed that Izumi was watching them, with perhaps fear and uneasiness combined in her amber eyes. Kya cleared her throat and turned back to Akira. "How about I take you for a dance?"
"It seems about right", he winked at her. Kya admitted he was quite charming, besides Akira was a bit of a flirt, but she knew he was very much faithful to Izumi. But then, who wouldn't be? The one thing Kya was sure of was that she hated him. "Thank you, by the way. I love dancing, but Izumi despises it."
Kya, now, hated him even more for mentioning her name.
"Yes, I know", Kya's answer was bittersweet, but Akira didn't seem to notice.
"She mentioned you dislike weddings, is that true?", he asked. In Akira's mind, he was probably just doing small talk, but in Kya's the scenery was completely different. Talking about Izumi, with him of all people, was beyond uncomfortable. I wish you weren't here, she wanted to say; I love your wife, she wanted to add.
"It is, but I wouldn't miss Ursula's special day", Kya half lied.
"She mentioned this too", and here, he laughed, causing a bit of a scene. Kya found Izumi's eyes on them again, now even more concerned than before. Kya could see the gears rolling inside her head from there. "Sorry, but you two seem to know a lot about each other. I think I've never had this kind of friendship, it must feel good."
It felt awful and it wasn't a friendship at all, Kya wanted to say, but she didn't. The words died in her mouth as soon as she noticed that Izumi was walking towards them. She was coming and Kya nearly squirmed in agony, feeling her heart beating so fast that it could be felt through her entire body.
"Excuse me", she said quickly, leaving a very confused Akira behind.
Kya turned around and walked out of the salon like a damn coward.
Why does one lie to others?
Kya was due to stay in the Royal Palace for a whole week. She was reluctant, Ursula had to try really hard to convince her, but she did it. Kya agreed on staying for a week, all she had to do was to avoid leaving the room, given that she didn't want to bump into Izumi and her damn husband every single day.
After that shameful moment when she danced with Akira, Kya went to hide in the room Ursula arranged for her. She needed the silence and the strange comfort of loneliness, along with a glass of a fine wine. Kya took a sip of her drink as she watched the guests getting in their cars and leaving, and there was also Ursula waving at them. Even though Kya's room was up on the third floor, she could hear Ursula saying…
"Goodbye! Thank you for coming!"
Kya smiled, admiring the girl from afar. Sometimes Ursula could be very Azula-like with the lack of evilness. She was very well-mannered, she could talk and convince anybody. Although Kya was totally against Izumi and Akira's marriage, she allowed herself to admit they raised their children very well.
Still with a smile on her face, she turned to fill her glass, but a knock on the door interrupted her. Kya hesitated for a few seconds, wondering who could it be, but it was obvious. Then, she took a deep breath and opened the door.
She was right, after all. It was Izumi.
"Kya…", the Fire Lord whispered her name as if it was a sin, making Kya swallow hard. Izumi stood there with too much formality even for her, with her both hands behind her back. "Ursula told me where I could find you."
"Found me", Kya said, raising her glass. "But isn't this invasion of privacy?", she couldn't tell if that was the alcohol talking, but at least it helped her release all the nervousness of seeing Izumi.
The Fire Lord raised an eyebrow. "You want me to leave?"
Kya wished she knew the answer to that question, but a huge side of her was getting tired of avoiding Izumi, and since she was going to stay in the Royal Palace for a week, there wasn't much she could do. So, Kya stepped aside and walked towards the bottle of wine. "Come in, I was just about to fill my glass. I think I can get one for you too."
"No, thank you. I had enough at the party", Izumi said as she closed the door behind her.
Kya eyed her suspiciously, trying to unveil what was written on Izumi's face. Then, now way bolder, she stepped close, looking Izumi dead in the eye.
"Why are you here then?"
Izumi lowered her eyes, avoiding Kya's drunk and deadly stare. "You know I'm not fond of hugs…"
"But you'll accept mine, I know that too", Kya cut her off.
She took her time to hug Izumi, not quite knowing how to touch the woman she desperately wanted to touch. Kya had done this before, but this time felt different, it felt even new. In the beginning, the hug was a bit uncomfortable, but they found themselves in each other's arms soon enough. Kya buried her face in Izumi's shoulder, feeling the fabric of her robe against her skin and the discreet scent of her perfume finding its way to her nose. It was strange how they fit perfectly, how their bodies were perfect for one another. Kya thought she could live there for a lifetime, but Izumi interrupted the hug, leaving Kya with the dreadful sentiment of longing.
The Fire Lord cleared her throat. "Anyway, I'm here to say I'm glad you came."
"Are you?", Kya said with a sad smile on her face as she stared at her drink.
"Of course I am, it's always good to see you."
"I wish I could say the same", the words were painful for both of them, but it was the truth anyway.
"I know. You think I don't understand, but I do", Izumi lowered her head, waiting for an answer, but none came. She looked at Kya and the woman was still staring at her drink, now completely in silence. "What did you and Akira talk about?"
"You, of course. What else? We have nothing in common", Kya said dryly.
"That's where you're mistaken."
Kya frowned. "Excuse me?"
"Akira is very much like you. He has this infinite desire for freedom, great at everything he does, not to mention he's rather flirtatious...", Izumi's eyes sparkled just a little and her face seemed more joyful for an almost insignificant moment. "He reminds me of you, that's why I married him in the first place."
Kya couldn't bear that conversation. She couldn't even look at her now, therefore every place inside that room seemed more convenient to look at.
"You should have married me then", Kya whispered, but Izumi heard her. She heard every word.
"I know", the Fire Lord whispered back.
Now, gathering all the strength she still had in her body, Kya looked up and found Izumi staring at her in a very strange way. It seemed different, even more shy than before, when Izumi was not much older than twenty, but Kya was able to recognize that look. Then, she walked towards the Fire Lord, who was standing by the door as still as a rock, and got as closer as she could be.
"If you want to kiss me, then at least do it properly", Kya whispered, now feeling Izumi's breath against her own.
Izumi stared at Kya's lips with hunger, that type of hunger that only danger could provide. It was forbidden, they knew, but they kissed without giving any importance to the rules — for at least this time. It began soft and slow, with both of them tasting each other's mouth, lingering on a single lip with the patience of a long night.
But then it got rough, it got needy. Izumi pushed Kya's body against the nearest wall and kissed her with that same hunger, proving the taste of that same danger. Izumi grabbed her by the neck and Kya did the same as her mouth was being devoured by the other woman. It was too late when she noticed that her quicky hands were already under Izumi's clothing, letting her fingers touch the Fire Lord's hot skin. But that was when they stopped.
When Izumi stopped.
She seemed frightened, or more precisely, she seemed guilty. Izumi straightened her robe and adjusted her crown, which was a bit out of place. Kya said nothing, they just stared at each other in silence, hearing their accelerated breaths.
"We…", Izumi started. "We can't do this, not anymore. I'm sorry, Kya", she apologized without having to look away. Quite the opposite, she looked Kya straight in the eye as she said it.
No, please, Kya tried to say; stay a little longer, she thought of saying. But instead, she nodded and shamefully lied to Izumi.
"I agree. I'm out of this", and that was the lie. Kya didn't imagine it would be that painful, but her own words nearly killed her. "You can leave now."
Izumi opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came. She just turned around and left.
Kya waited for Izumi to be out of sight, so she could cry alone.
The past is very much present.
The previous night couldn't go in a worse direction as it did. Kya drank all the bottles of wine she found after Izumi left, then she cried. She also laughed for no reason at all and hummed an old lullaby as she held the glass in her hand as a microphone.
She slept for no more than three hours, not to mention she woke up every thirty minutes because of the awful dreams she was having. None of them involved Izumi, she wasn't there, but to Kya, it made no difference. Izumi was the reason she was feeling miserable in the first place. She couldn't understand how love turned to be a battlefield, especially at her age.
Golly, she didn't have time for this. Kya was known to be very patient for certain things, but deep down she had no patience at all. Right in the morning, she cleaned her face, changed her clothes for a more comfortable and suitable dress, one typical from The Water Tribe. Then, after getting rid of all the empty bottles of wine from last night, she decided to go have a walk through the palace.
On her way to the second floor, some old firebender masters, Izumi's most loyal servants, passed by her. They bowed and murmured something that sounded like…
"Good morning, Master Kya."
That felt good, she had to admit. To be venerated. No wonder Izumi liked it there, although the Fire Lord wasn't very fond of veneration and compliments herself. Well, at least Kya was available to enjoy it for both of them. Now, she made it to the ground floor, where the paintings and pictures of the Fire Lords were, hanging on the wall. At least they used to be there, given that during Lord Zuko's reign, the paintings of the Fire Lords before him, his father, his grandfather and the others before them, were all removed. Now there were only his portrait and Izumi's.
Kya found herself staring at Izumi's painting for far too long. But she couldn't help herself, Izumi looked beautiful, with her glasses on and the crown being worn in her top-knot. Her face, as usual, was serious and peaceful at the same time, as if she was born to be in that portrait. As if she was born to be Fire Lord.
"She looks great, doesn't she?", a recognizable voice came from behind her. Kya turned around and saw Lord Zuko, smiling warmly at her.
"Doesn't she always?", she smiled back and hugged him tightly. There were only a few people in the world that Kya loved more than Zuko, only a few.
"My portrait doesn't look that good, I seem angry", he laughed softly.
Kya elbowed him slightly in the arm. "Don't say that, I've always liked your portrait. It seems right."
"You're being kind", he winked at her, looking like partners in crime for a moment. "It's very good to have you here. Ursula is pleased."
"Oh, didn't she look radiant? I couldn't be happier for her."
"You know…", now Zuko seemed absorbed in his thoughts as he stroked his gray-haired beard. "I was nearly against their relationship in the beginning because I knew Atsuo had countless girlfriends before Ursula. I was reluctant, but Izumi changed my mind when she told me Ursula was just the same", and here he let out another soft laugh, looking quite nostalgic.
"They do seem perfect for one another", Kya said as she kept staring at Izumi's portrait. Zuko, of course, noticed it. Lucky for her, he was an intelligent man.
"Kya…", Zuko placed a hand on her shoulder. "I know your relationship with my daughter isn't in a good place right now. But I know you will figure it out, both of you."
Of course he knew. Kya and Izumi never really shared with Zuko that they were in love, not even when they were younger, but he was an observant man. Of course he knew.
"Really? And how would we do that?", she genuinely asked, because it was old news for Kya that she didn't know what to do anymore.
"When I was young, very much younger than now…", he smiled at Kya before continuing. "I had my first love, that new feeling, that new passion that is so intense that one isn't able to describe. But I couldn't be with her, it was wrong back then…", Zuko's voice almost failed him now.
"Why?", Kya asked.
"Because life teaches us to follow our brains and never our hearts, when the right thing to do is to listen to the heart when its calling is much stronger."
"I've always followed my heart and look where I am now", Kya shrugged.
"I'm looking, and I see a very lucky woman", he slightly squeezed her shoulder. "You've become a master, you traveled the world, besides having a wonderful family and wonderful friends. People who care about you deeply, like me, like Izumi."
Kya swallowed hard. "I'm not sure if she wants me to follow my damn heart."
"You have to do it to know, right?", Zuko smiled.
"You know who you sound like?", Kya said, narrowing her eyes.
"Let me guess, my uncle."
"Yes…", Kya laughed softly. Golly, it was the first time she had laughed for real during these twenty-four hours. "I miss him very much."
"We all do, I believe. That's why I try to be more like him through my words now. I fail most of the time", he said shyly.
"You didn't fail, truly", Kya squeezed his hand. "Thank you, Zuko."
Then it felt important to follow the heart.
The brief conversation she had with Lord Zuko changed her. Not completely, but enough to make her pace around the room, with her hands behind her back, thinking of different ways to do it, the correct ways to do it. Kya wrote everything down on a paper until she tossed it away; then she did it again, and again. But nothing she would come with felt right, felt sincere.
Was she really following her heart? She wondered for a moment, pausing everything that she was doing. She chose not to drink, she chose not to sleep. Kya had to do it in the right way, she just didn't know which one was. She was following her heart, but she found a difficult path before her, with traps, big storms and loneliness.
It was already early evening, and knowing Izumi's schedule by heart, she knew the Fire Lord would be in the council room, surrounded by those old men. There would be guards, probably, but they knew her and if Kya said she had something important to discuss with Izumi, they would let her. Even better, the Fire Lord could be completely alone, since their meeting was supposed to end twenty minutes ago.
That was it.
Kya looked at herself in the mirror for one last time and left her quarters.
To her surprise, there were no guards at all, the doors were open and, as Kya presumed, Izumi was alone. The Fire Lord seemed fully concentrated as she read and signed some papers that were spread across the long table she was sitting at, all by herself. Kya walked in, but Izumi didn't seem to notice her presence, so she cleared her throat and the other woman immediately looked up. At first, Izumi looked alarmed, then her expression changed to sincere concern.
"Kya? What are you doing here?", Izumi put her pen down. "Are you alright?"
"I love you."
The words suddenly came out without any permission, or at least that's what Kya told herself. She was sweating, she was clearly at the edge of a breakdown, but Kya pulled herself together as Izumi just stared at her, speechless.
"I love you", she said it again, now with a strange laugh. "There, I did it again."
"Kya…"
"Wait, let me speak", Kya cut her off. "I lied to you, and to myself. I'm not out of this relationship, or whatever it is. I'm in, I'm so in it's humiliating because here I am begging", here, Kya took a deep breath before continuing. "I love you, I do. And I have been trying to mash it down, I have been trying to ignore it, but I can't. I can't, Izumi…", a single tear fell on her face.
"I've been with other people, you know that. They were so great and they really liked me, you know? They did, but it's never going to work out because I'm in love with you . It has always been you, like a scar that can't be healed…"
Izumi was open-mouthed, speechless. Completely forgetting about the paper she had been holding the whole time as if she was using it to balance herself. It was useless.
"So here's your choice", Kya wiped a year away. "It's simple, him or me. And Akira is a wonderful man, but I love you, Izumi. Enough to let you watch me dance instead of dancing with me because you dislike dancing. Enough to let you sleep on the right side of the bed and enough to let you speak about the things you love for hours. Unfortunate way that makes me hate you", Kya paused for a long second, it nearly didn't end at all. "Love you… So pick me, choose me, love me."
Izumi looked horrified, scared. Kya couldn't understand this expression on her face, something was wrong. And her suspicions were confirmed because it was Akira who was right behind her when she turned around.
He seemed neither shocked nor indifferent, but there was something new on his face, something that Kya had never seen before. Quietness.
"In case you two are wondering, I heard most of it", he said sharply. "Anyway, dinner is ready."
Kya watched him leave the room in disbelief. Everything suddenly was happening in slow motion, as if they were in an old and tragic movie where the couple in love must be separated because life was unfair. Even Izumi, who passed by Kya calling for her husband was in slow motion now. She could hear voices and footsteps, but rather distantly like a dream.
For a moment, she closed her eyes and saw her old house, the one she grew up in. It was empty, full of dust and one of the steps was broken. But it felt comfortable, as one tries to run away from hard situations and tend to find a place like home in their own brain. It did not last for long though.
When the world went back to normal, or what remained of normality after that whole scene, Kya realized she was alone in the council room. So much space with so much silence. And Izumi was gone.
It was all a matter of duty.
It took nearly forty years for Kya to understand that it was all a matter of duty. Izumi knew it from the very beginning of her life, so did her parents and her brothers. With her, things were a bit more complicated because Kya despised the idea of responsibility, but she had just started to understand. It was painful, but a necessary process.
She packed her bags in the night and took the first ship to the west in the morning. Kya did not cry, did not make a scene with a bottle of wine. She did what she had to do in silence, and also left in silence. The only person she said goodbye to was Ursula, who obviously insisted that Kya stayed for a few more days. Kya smiled softly at the young woman, placed a lock of dark hair behind her ear and said something like…
"I must go now, I hope you understand this one day."
She left with Izumi in mind, thinking about the way she looked at her, about the way she kissed her. It was useless to even try to forget it, Kya would remember it all.
Before the departure, Kya made a promise to herself. She wouldn't look back to check if Izumi was watching her leave, she really shouldn't. For the first minutes it seemed easy enough, but something — evil in its forms — was telling her that it could be the last chance to see the woman she loved. Then, breaking her own promise, Kya looked back.
But Izumi wasn't there.