Work Text:
MORNING REMEMBRANCE
There’s a buzz in the room. It’s intense, suffocating and all too familiar as preparations for the final night begin.
The clock in the main room is ticking, counting down the seconds they have left before all nine of them are set to stand on the stage, face their global fans, BTS and TXT. They’re expected to give it their all, the performance of their lives to make it to debut and not one of them has any intention of backing down.
“Has anyone seen Heeseung?” Jay asks and K doesn’t hear him at first.
He’s too busy watching the way Niki paces up and down the practice room. Niki has a particular routine before these tests and K has spent the last three months watching him do it. Everytime they have a performance, about one hour before, Niki locks himself in the practice room, paces and pushes himself through an anxiety attack.
The first time he did it, K had been alarmed. They all had been. Niki curled up in the corner of the room and started hyperventilating and it freaked them all out. Heeseung had sat down next to him, Jay got him water and K - silent and dutiful K - had watched. They were all helpless in the end but when Niki finally got through it, he had to explain that it was normal - even expected of him. An anxiety attack before a performance was absolutely necessary.
“Get everything out now, rather than later,” Niki had explained and K sort of understood it.
Sort of.
K’s normal routine before performances would have been a good run down the road but he can’t do that in here so he replaced it instead with stretches, pushups, whatever he can do to work out the kinks in his muscles without tiring them out right before he needs them.
“Hyung,” Jay grabs his shoulder, immediately pulling him out of his thoughts and his eyes off Niki as he looks up to see him. “Have you seen Heeseung anywhere?”
K blinks and looks around. Jungwon, Sunoo and Daniel are whispering amongst each other near the seats. Niki is alone in the practice room, Sunghoon is pacing near the elevator with Jake watching him worriedly but Heeseung is the only one who isn’t here. It’s not like him, not when they have less than an hour before their final performance.
“I’ll go find him,” K assures Jay. He gets up and points to Niki. “Keep an eye on him.”
The I-Land hallways seem cleaner somehow. Emptier. Devoid of their presence where just a week ago someone had left their shoes on the floor, there would always be rubbish left in a corner from some lazy little shit who didn’t want to make the eight step walk to the rubbish bin. Even their scents would linger in the hallway, a reminder that people lived here.
Now it was empty, clean, too clean.
K looks around, he checks the bedrooms first but naturally Heeseung isn’t hiding in any of them. He checks the kitchen but it’s empty too. It’s when he’s wandering down the hallway that he hears it, a faint, barely audible sniffle and he knows exactly where it’s coming from.
The only room that doesn’t have a camera in it. The room they go in to hide when there really is something wrong. K’s feet take him to the room without hesitation and when he opens the door, he sees him there. Heeseung, curled in the corner and crying by himself.
“Close the door.”
K obeys. Heeseung hasn’t bothered with the light and so K decides against turning it on too. When he closes the door, darkness engulfs them both and K has to use his memory of the room to make his way across until he reaches Heeseung’s form.
He crouches down, Heeseung’s sniffles turn to hiccups as he gently pulls the other around and into his chest instead.
Heeseung is warm, solid but he’s shaking like a leaf and K has to steel himself, his own nerves and his own anxieties to be the solid comfort that Heeseung needs right now. His arms lock around the other, he holds him tight and rubs his back as Heeseung’s tears soak his shirt. It’s hardly the first time Heeseung has cried on him, leaned on him or embraced him like this but somehow this feels different than the other times.
Because it might be the last time they ever get to do this alone and the thought makes K’s arms tighten just a little more.
He doesn’t ask. He doesn’t need to. What Heeseung is feeling is the same thing they’re all feeling. Excitement, anxiety and perhaps a little bit of depression with the knowledge that after tonight, they’re going to lose two members. No matter what happens tonight, only seven of them will go on to form Enhypen. It’s going to hurt either way but it has to happen. This is what they’re here for, what they’ve been dreaming about and training so hard for.
“You’re going to make it,” K tells him and somehow Heeseung has managed to fit his face in K’s neck. His tears are warm and wet against K’s skin but Heeseung’s arms are wrapped around him now and clutching at his back like he’s the only thing stopping him from breaking down completely.
K takes a deep breath and looks out into the dark room. “You’re going to make it, Heeseung,” he whispers. “And when you do, all of this will be a memory. A good memory, the roots of your group.”
His hand finds its way into Heeseung’s hair and he knows he shouldn’t mess with it too much but they’re all going to need to go through hair and makeup before the livestream starts anyway so he starts curling his fingers through Heeseung’s locks anyway. It calms him, he feels Heeseung go slack in his hold, a shaky breath against his neck that makes him shiver.
If anyone were to walk in right now, they might get the wrong idea. Two boys huddled in the corner, one sitting on the other with their arms wrapped tightly around each other. K can’t think about that right now, he doesn’t have time to get self-conscious when Heeseung so obviously needs him but it’s really hard not to worry, especially when Heeseung moves so he’s essentially straddling him, pressed chest to chest with his legs and arms wrapped around K like a koala.
“I...I don’t want…” Heeseung begins and he doesn’t seem to know how to say what he wants to say.
K waits patiently, strokes Heeseung’s hair until the other takes a deep breath and keeps his face hidden in the junction between K’s neck and shoulder.
He pulls his face out after a moment and K can’t see him in this darkness but he feels the other pull back far enough that he would be able to look at his face if the lights were on. Then Heeseung’s hand, warm and soft, finds K’s face and K freezes. His lungs forget how to work and all senses hone in on the feeling of Heeseung’s fingers on his face.
What’s he doing? K feels his heart stutter and Heeseung has never done this to him before. They hug, they cry together but they’ve never done this. Yet he can’t pull away from the touch, he doesn’t even want to and he doesn’t get a second longer to think about it before he feels warm lips on his own.
Heeseung is kissing him. His hands are holding K’s face, fingers curling in K’s hair. His weight is solid on K’s lap, body firm under K’s hands and in the comfort of the dark room, K’s self consciousness, his panicked thoughts and anxiety check themselves at the door as he slowly pushes his lips back against Heeseung’s to return the kiss.
They’re not left alone long. When they hear footsteps approaching the room, both of them spring away from each other a split second before the door opens and Jay’s head peeks in.
“There you are,” he says and K has to look down as Jay flicks the light on and floods the room with sudden light.
Heeseung hisses. He somehow managed to jump a fair distance from K and Jay doesn’t suspect a thing as he walks in and notices the drying tears on Heeseung’s face. Jay fusses over Heeseung and Heeseung starts rubbing at his face and insisting he’s fine but in the background, K is staring at his lap and wondering what the hell happened.
Heeseung kissed him. How long has Heeseung been wanting to kiss him? Why did he kiss back? What does this mean and what does Heeseung feel? What had he been wanting to say? K can’t answer any of those questions and his body works on autopilot as Jay helps him up and pushes them both through the door, explaining they need to get ready to leave.
Heeseung doesn’t say anything to him and K can’t bring himself to ask questions or talk. Not right now, they don’t have time. The group gather before the elevator ten minutes before they’re set to leave and the familiar buzz of nerves shoots between them all. Like magnets feeding energy off each other, they can’t stand still and when the doors to the elevator finally open, all nine of them walk inside, their minds blank with terror, anxiety and excitement.
They’re pushed through hair and makeup. None of the makeup artists say a word or comment on the tear tracks on Heeseung’s face, or the fact that he and K are the only ones with swollen lips. They work through all of them and push them out to the stage quickly but all the while, K’s mind is buzzing. Not with thoughts of his performance - though he really should be present so he can give it his all - but he can’t stop thinking about Heeseung and the feel of their lips together.
That hadn’t been a nervous kiss. K’s experienced one of those when a junior in high school kissed him before her exams and he hadn’t felt anything in return. It was just something she’d needed because she had a crush on him and she was scared. What Heeseung had done to him had clearly been something he’d been wanting to do for awhile, K could feel it in the way he’d held him. Clung to him, like K was the only meaning Heeseung had left.
The livestream begins and K has to fight his own thoughts to keep himself grounded. Somehow, he manages it but it’s incredibly difficult. With the pressure of the ex-I-Landers watching plus the judges, BTS, TXT, the world, he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders and it’s terrifying.
But he dances, he pulls through with the last of his strength and when the last notes of ‘Into the I-Land’ finish, Heeseung’s eyes flicker in K’s mind, warming him, almost comforting him through his nerves.
The rest of the broadcast passes in a blur of emotion. His heart beats so hard in his chest he can hear it in his ears when they’re called up one by one to complete the group. Heeseung, Niki, Jay...one by one they leave his side and walk up to the side stage where they belong.
Where he wants to be.
Then there’s only three of them left. Himself, Sunoo and Daniel. He can see Sunoo shaking next to him and if this weren’t broadcasted live, he’d do something. Hold them both, comfort them both. He can feel Heeseung’s eyes on him where the other is standing on the debuted platform but he can’t look back. He doesn’t know if he can handle the emotion that is likely to be on his face.
The judges debate amongst each other and K looks up. He doesn’t know where to look but somehow his eyes meet Jungkook’s. The youngest member of BTS meets his gaze and K feels his entire body calm at once. The way the other looks at him is indescribable. It’s perhaps born from a deep understanding that somehow, the other knows what K is feeling and with his gaze alone, he’s telling the other it’ll be alright.
“And the results,” the announcer finally says after taking an agonizingly long pause for suspense.
“Congratulations…”
It hits K like a bolt of lightning. The applause, the pats on his back, all their eyes on him at once. He’s pushed to the front to say his words and he can’t even remember what he says, he feels so numb. Like elation is waiting until he’s ready to deal with it and somehow his feet move him towards the platform with the others.
And then it’s over, Niki pulls him into a hug, Jay looks so relieved. They’re crying of course, they’re still sad about Sunoo and Daniel but through it all is pure relief. K’s eyes meet Heeseung’s as the other approaches him and pulls him into a hug, warm, loving and so relieved.
The others come to hug them, to wish them well and say goodbye. The group are soon taken away, cleaned and put in front of a camera to officially introduce themselves as Enhypen but K’s brain stopped working the second he heard his name called as the last debuted member.
He’s done it. They’ve done it. Enhypen is born and he’s with them.
It takes them several takes, giddy excitement keeps them giggling as they try to deliver their message for Weverse. Then they’re taken away, packed into a van and sent off to their new dorm.
K is still numb. As the van rolls along, the excited buzz and chatter holds the promise that all of them will sleep once the excitement has passed and exhaustion sets in. Deep exhaustion too, K can feel it. The product of three months of constant anxiety, of fighting tooth and nail to reach this moment.
The irony is that the fight isn’t even over, this is just the beginning but it’s a huge stepping stone and the closer they come to their destination, the more the boys feel it. This is their group, these are the people they’ll be spending a long time with, for better or worse, this is their family now.
“Let’s drop the competition mentality,” Heeseung suggests to the nods of the others. “We’re a group now, we should start thinking like one. We’re going to be doing everything together.”
The staff drop them off and show them around the dorm. It’s amazing. K keeps having to check his jaw hasn’t dropped as they’re shown to the room with the bunk beds, their kitchen, bathroom, the entranceway where they drop their bags. When the staff leave them alone, excited chatter turns quickly to exhaustion as they pick their beds and knock out one by one.
K and Heeseung are the last ones up. They watch the others, stretched out on their beds and look at each other. All K can see is relief, relief and exhaustion in Heeseung’s large eyes.
“I’m so…” Heeseung whispers, he pauses to think about it. “...tired.”
K can’t help but chuckle. He pats Heeseung’s shoulder and tries to ignore the way his heart flips when the other offers him a sheepish smile.
“Get some sleep,” he advises as he sits himself down on the bottom bunk closest to the door. “We’re allowed to sleep in tomorrow.”
“Thank god,” Heeseung mutters. He doesn’t go to his bed yet, he lingers and stands near K’s bed. “I’m probably gonna sleep the day away.”
K just watches him. Heeseung’s bed is the bottom bunk on the opposite side of the wall. From where he lies, K will be able to see him lying there and the thought makes his stomach flip uncomfortably. He can’t focus on it though, he’s too tired to even remember Heeseung had kissed him before the livestream.
“K,” Heeseung says, his voice quiet, breaching, almost as though he has a question on the tip of his tongue.
“Yeah?”
“I’m glad you’re here.”
K doesn’t really know what’s happening to him. He’s way too tired to make any sense of how he’s feeling but he can feel the hot sting of tears burning his eyes as he stares up at Heeseung’s frame and it hits him that he almost wasn’t here. If the judges hadn’t picked him, if they had decided on someone else, he wouldn’t be here.
He doesn’t know where he’d be but he hadn’t been expecting to be so close to being eliminated. After weeks of being so close to the top, how did he end up seventh in the fan votes?
Then Heeseung climbs onto his own bed and K watches him even as he lies down. In the darkness, the frame of Heeseung’s form relaxes on the bed. K watches until he can hear Heeseung’s breathing deepening, evening out until he’s asleep.
K feels a tear escape the side of his eye, trail down his temple and slip into his ear. He stares at Heeseung’s form and the emotion he’s too tired to understand hits him all at once. He doesn’t know why he’s crying, he doesn’t know why he isn’t happy and elated like he thought he would be.
Luckily sleep takes him away before he can think too hard on it and for the night, the seven of them slip into deep, deep sleep.
-
“I’m just saying, it’s weird,” Jungwon argues as K wanders into the kitchen one week later. Settling into their dorm had come naturally, the once clean building was soon filled with their traces, their clothes lying around the floor, their products clogging up the sinks and cupboards.
Sometimes it resulted in arguments, other times K had to stand back and appreciate the mess (usually before Jay or Sunghoon started cleaning and barking at the others to pick up their underwear and socks)
Heeseung is spacing out at the table as K starts making his breakfast. Jay is the only one listening as Jungwon tries to justify his argument.
“We’ve almost made it,” Jungwon says. “We’re so close. In the grand scheme of things, it’s totally useless.”
“Jungwon, you’re not dropping out of school,” Jay tells him firmly.
Jungwon pouts. “But Niki did!”
“Niki’s parents are in Japan,” K reminds Jungwon softly as he comes to the table and sits beside Heeseung. “And Niki is technically on correspondence. If he goes to school here, he’ll have to repeat a year. You don’t.”
K starts in on his cereal and tries to ignore the way Heeseung slumps into his side. Heeseung’s head rests on K’s shoulder and K ignores the traitorous thud of his heart as he tries to continue as normal. It is normal, Heeseung isn’t the only one who leans on him like this, But he is the only one who, in doing so, can wring K’s nerves out until he’s an internal mess of molten goo.
“No more excuses,” Jay orders, pushing the sulking Jungwon to his feet and towards the door. “Get to school. I have shit to do too so I’ll come with you for the ride.”
K waves them off and when they’re gone, he turns back to his breakfast. Mornings are usually peaceful and quiet, most of them tend to sleep fairly late - especially Niki who will usually be the last one up. He hears Sunghoon stirring but for the most part, the dorm is silent, save for the chirp of the birds outside.
Heeseung shifts where he’s slumped against K and without thinking, K’s arm comes up to support his back to stop him falling off the seat. His hand perches automatically on Heeseung’s shoulder and he can hear the other sigh. As he finishes the last of his cereal, he pushes the bowl back and digs his phone out of his pocket to scroll through the fan comments on Weverse.
That’s when he feels it. Something warm. A hand underneath the table, sliding onto his thigh and gripping it. K almost jumps but he’s painfully aware of the cameras placed in the dorm for Enhypen and Hi, he’s not allowed to react and give them away. He looks down and sure enough, it’s Heeseung’s hand.
He doesn’t ask, he doesn’t know what on earth he would ask anyway. Heeseung’s hand presses gently, almost innocently against his thigh and K bites his lip. Is he doing this deliberately? If so, why? K is trying so hard to ignore his heart, the way his lungs freeze and breathing suddenly becomes impossible, the way his leg jiggles just a bit and he can’t tell if he’s trying to get closer or pull away.
Heeseung shifts a little and on camera, the move is innocent. He’s meant to be asleep after all. But then he lets out a sigh and the feeling of his breath against K’s neck makes him shiver.
“K,” Heeseung mumbles, too quietly for the camera to pick up.
“Y...yeah?”
“Guys, we ran out of toilet paper!” Jake exclaims from the hallway and immediately, Heeseung’s hand pulls away, his head lifts and he shifts as though the moment never happened.
K has just enough piece of mind to swallow hard and look at the door just in time to see Jake’s head poke out to look at them both. “Can one of you send a message out to management? We also need soap.”
K sighs. “If you guys wouldn’t douse yourselves in three runs of shampoo and conditioner, we wouldn’t have this problem every week.”
Still he shoots out a message to management and climbs out of the bench so he can wander around the house and check on their supplies to make sure they don’t need anything else. He feels Heeseung’s eyes on his back as he leaves and he can’t look back. He doesn’t trust himself to hide his emotions right now.
The staff are good at getting them to bond. It’s not enough that they live together and they’re in each other's faces all the time, they have to do more together. Dance together, do games together, talk to each other. Jay and Heeseung (and to an extent, K himself) had been very clear about it. A group like theirs was only going to survive if they went through all of this together and were honest with each other.
Enhypen wasn’t going to be a group that would eventually be missing a member due to scandal or miscommunication. They wanted to be strong, have a strong bond like BTS or TXT but to get that, they had to get along.
“You know it’s not all about getting along, right?” Jay tells him one night when they’re lounging on the couch whilst Heeseung is playing his switch on the TV.
K blinks at him and Jay shrugs. “It’s all well and good us getting along and encouraging each other not to be mean to each other but you know what really creates bonds? Conflict.”
K has to think about that. Being on I-Land had already created a bond between the seven of them. No one but them could understand what they’d been through but by that same stroke, a relationship without a history of conflict or even disagreements and arguments was sure not to survive such a thing once it finally came around.
His strongest relationships had been forged through hardship. A mutual understanding no one else could grasp. They’d even been forged in the aftermath of arguments where they were finally able to see a new side of each other.
Take Niki for example. Of all the members of Enhypen, Niki was the one who could piss him off fastest and it’s because K understands with perfect clarity where the other is coming from. He understands the way he thinks, he understands him to his core which is when Niki does something wrong, it annoys K because he knows how he could have done it better.
But after scolding him harshly that day, Niki’s respect for K had grown. Not much, but enough that Niki would tell K first if something went wrong after that.
“You want us to have a big fight?” K asks with a raised eyebrow.
Jay just laughs and shakes his head. “No nothing like that,” he assures him. “But we’d grow as people and we’d grow together if we ever did have a fight.”
They throw themselves wholeheartedly into their photoshoots, into their songs for the upcoming album and the concept has K floored. Vampires. He’s dressed in old fashioned clothing, given an apple and when he’s put in front of the camera, his mind goes blank and instinct takes over.
The photographer loves him, he praises his expressions and somewhere in the background, the other members are watching him. K meets Heeseung’s gaze and the other is just staring at him, dressed in some shirt with white ruffles that makes him look like some kind of prince. K’s lips press against the apple and, unbidden, he remembers Heeseung’s lips pressed against him in much the same way.
The flash of the camera takes his attention away from Heeseung and the photographer decides that photo is the winner. When K sees it, he can’t help but agree. He’s not looking through the lens but the look in his eyes is unmistakable. Dark, intense, burning. It’s almost as though he’s not looking at himself and yet he knows it is him.
Then he looks at Heeseung and the other has the exact same look in his eyes. It burns and K closes his eyes to protect himself.
-
He can’t. He knows he can’t. K locks himself in the bathroom when they get home. He sits on the floor and gives himself this moment to quietly freak out.
Something, it doesn’t have a name yet, but something is there between himself and Heeseung and if it’s given room to grow, it’ll threaten Enhypen. It’s one thing for a group to have chemistry with each other and a strong bond but this...this is something quite different. This is the kind of thing that has to be hidden away, squashed. This destroys careers despite the progressing world.
He runs his hands through his hair. He’s not allowed to do this but he has to solve whatever this thing is. The kiss before their final performance on I-land had been one thing but the touch in the kitchen was quite another. If this grew any larger, it wouldn’t be able to be hidden and it had to be dealt with now.
And yet the thought of confronting Heeseung about this terrifies K just as much as letting it grow until it explodes. He needs help. He needs someone to talk to but the only person who could even remotely get it is Heeseung himself. He can’t talk to the manager, he can’t talk to his parents, he can’t even call any of his friends because as far as he knows - none of them are harbouring homosexual feelings for a bandmate on the precipice of debut.
A knock pulls him out of his anxiety attack and K looks up.
“I’ll be out in a minute,” he promises, then freezes when he hears a voice answer.
“Open up, K,” Heeseung says, his voice gentle but clear. “Let me in.”
K swallows hard. He pats down his hair into some semblance of neat as he pulls himself up onto his feet and goes to push the lock open. He steps back and watches as Heeseung opens the door, walks in and closes it behind himself.
When he meets K’s eyes, he locks the door and K’s heart stops beating.
“I-I can’t-” K begins but he can’t bring himself to say it. Can’t what? Can’t start something that might destroy them both? Can’t let this continue when he actually wants it to?
Heeseung approaches him and shakes his head, his hands come up to cradle K’s face and K stills. He’s forgotten how to breathe, he’s forgotten everything except the wide set of Heeseung’s eyes and the feel of his warmth pressing against him until K’s back hits a wall.
Then Heeseung leans up and K’s mind shuts down when those lips press against his again. He tries to resist, tries to pull back but Heeseung’s hold on him is tight enough that he can’t bring himself to even though, physically, he could do so with ease.
Heeseung’s lips are warm, his entire body is warm and K sinks into him, lets him pull them down to the floor until he’s kneeling in front of Heeseung and holding onto his shoulders. It’s an awkward position and he doesn’t know what Heeseung wants but the other seems determined not to pull away, instead he just lies down and pulls until K is lying on top of him with their lips connected.
This is wrong, K wants to argue but another voice in his head argues that it isn't. It’s right. It’s always been right and when Heeseung’s heated eyes sweep over him, all he can feel is the burn.
Heeseung rolls them over and his kisses are searing, his hands are gripping K’s clothes so tightly he’ll wrinkle them but K doesn’t stop him. He doesn’t want to stop him. Everything about Heeseung, his heat, his lips, his hold, his scent, it drowns K and all he can do is hold on as though Heeseung himself is the only raft in a wide ocean that threatens to swallow him whole.
Then the doorknob wriggles and both of them pull away to look up and watch as it jiggles desperately, followed by three sharp taps at the door.
“Oi!” Jake calls, almost desperate. “I’m busting!”
Heeseung’s head flops onto K’s shoulder and K watches the doorknob rattle more, followed by more voices.
“Who’s in there?” Jay calls out.
“Whoever’s masturbating in there, come out!” Niki shouts.
“Niki,” Sunghoon quietly admonishes.
“K-hyung?” Jungwon calls as Heeseung slowly gets off K and helps him up onto his feet. “Is that you in there?”
Heeseung pats them both down and goes to answer the door to the five curious faces on the other side. All of them had expected to see K there but when their eyes rest on Heeseung too, they look equally surprised.
Heeseung just shrugs. “How else are we supposed to have private conversations in this dorm?”
It’s awkward but K manages to squeeze past the members who actually want to use the toilet. He settles on the couch in the living room and he’s left blissfully alone with his thoughts for all of half an hour before Jay comes in and flops down next to him.
“Talk to me, man,” Jay says. “It’s clear something’s up with you.”
K blinks at him, he thought he’d been pretty good at hiding that. “...it is?”
Jay raises an eyebrow at him and K thinks he should have known better. Of course Jay can see right through him.
He runs a hand through his hair and shakes his head. “I can’t.”
“We could go out somewhere,” Jay suggests gently, as though he senses that whatever this is, it’s heavier than K knows how to deal with. “Out for a jog maybe?”
K looks at him and thinks he’s going to regret asking an ex-marathon runner out for a jog but he takes him up on the offer and half an hour later, the two of them are jogging down the empty road leading to their dorm. Jay starts swearing ten minutes in, even with K slowing his pace down.
“Why the...fuck….did I suggest...jogging?!” Jay curses as he speeds up to keep pace with K.
The jog is good for K. With the crisp early evening air, he feels refreshed and as his legs keep him going, he feels free. Just like he used to.
They reach the halfway point, a little clearing in the woods they live near and K finds Jay a bench to collapse on. He joins and when they’ve caught their breath, they look up and through the trees, they can see the stars in the sky. It only hits K then that they live far enough from the main city that they can see the stars, it’s a luxury not afforded for those in the main cities where the lights are always on.
“Talk to me bro,” Jay finally says once his breath has caught up with him. “Enhypen is debuting soon, we need to be on the same page. Is it the debut getting to you or is it something else?”
K has to take a moment to think it through. Heeseung’s eyes still burn on his skin, his kisses still burn his lips but it’s only one of many things that could be distracting him right now. At least, that’s what K tells himself. The truth is that Heeseung is the main distraction and K doesn’t have enough space in his emotional and mental capacity to deal with Heeseung and Enhypen at the same time.
“K.”
K looks over to see Jay looking at him. The look in his eyes is firm, but understanding. Even a little gentle.
“Whatever you tell me right now, I will take it to my grave,” he promises as he hands K a bottle of water. K still can’t get out the words and that’s when Jay sighs. “It’s Heeseung, isn’t it?”
K’s eyes widen, he stares at Jay and the other just nods.
“I thought something happened,” he says, calm and serene where K’s insides are turning into a panicked mush of anxiety. “That night we performed for the last time in I-Land and I found you two in the blind room, I put it out of my mind but then we all came out of it together and…”
“I don’t…” K starts to sputter. “I’m not…”
Gay? K has to stop himself. He hadn’t even considered his sexuality until Heeseung waltzed into his life and made everything complicated. He’s dated before, sure, girls in school and a bit after but Heeseung is the first time he’s felt a burn. A need he didn’t even realise he was capable of feeling.
“It doesn’t matter if you are,” Jay assures him and K has to shake his head.
“It does matter,” he tells him firmly. “This sort of stuff kills a group, it’ll kill Enhypen before it even has the chance to breathe, I shouldn’t even be doing this-”
“Hey, hey, hey, hey, stop!” Jay cuts him off with two strong hands on K’s shoulders. “Stop, hyung. Even if you are - which I’m not saying you are but if you are, you’re not going to be the first gay idol out there and you’re not going to hurt Enhypen with it.”
“But I will,” K insists and he can’t help it. He’s panicking and he can’t calm himself down. “What if I go for it? What if I start something with him - he obviously wants to, he keeps cornering me! But what if it goes wrong? What if we break up and the group feels the strain of that? What if that’s what kills Enhypen-”
“Hyung, I said stop,” Jay pleads and this time he gets up to kneel in front of where K is sitting on the bench. “Listen to me. You’re jumping way ahead of yourself and predicting a breakup before anything has the chance to start. I’m talking about here and now and right now, this thing is fucking with both of you. You’re both distracted, we can all tell and if we’re going to face the debut day together, both of you need to work through this.”
K nods, it makes sense but his insides are still a bundle of nerves.
“I don’t even know if I’m…”
Jay nods. “I doubt Heeseung is really sure about that either. Maybe nothing will come out of it, maybe something will but neither of you are going to get anywhere at this rate you’re going. I know we don’t have time and I know you don’t have any privacy at the dorms but somehow, you two need to work through this. Talk to each other.”
K nods. He’s not used to this. Usually when someone has a problem, he’s the one they come to. He’s the one who says things like this, he’s the one who talks them through it. But having someone to talk to, having someone who understands and doesn’t judge...K feels a heavy weight leaving his shoulders, making it easier to breathe.
Finally, a smile spreads across Jay’s face and he pats K’s shoulders.
“Okay,” he nods, satisfied as he goes back to sit next to K on the bench. “Drink your water, let me breathe, and please run slower on the way home.”
K can’t help it, he feels a lot lighter. He feels better and somehow Jay managed to simplify his thoughts and he’s right. They do need to talk. Talking will at least give him an insight into what’s going on with Heeseung. They just need to find the time and moment.
“Hyung,” Jay says before they set back towards the dorm. “I’m on your side. No matter what.”
They don’t jog back. They walk with K’s arm draped over Jay’s shoulder, laughing about their antics on the I-land and the future they’re both working towards. It gives K hope that they can make it through this and be as successful as BTS. It gives K hope that he can talk this through with Heeseung and work it out.
-
“We need to talk.”
He can see Heeseung’s shoulders freeze and as the other slowly turns around, K leans against the doorframe in a pitiful attempt to seem more composed and casual than he feels. He’s a nervous wreck but their debut album is set to drop in two days. He has to sort this out.
Heeseung’s voice wobbles a little as he laughs. “I wondered when you’d corner me.”
K raises an eyebrow at him. “You’ve certainly been dodging me since that day in the bathroom,” he comments as he steps into the room and closes the door behind him.
Heeseung looks at it, eyebrows furrowed in worry. “The others?”
“Out with Jay, all afternoon,” K promises. He doesn’t add that Jay knows and he took the others out of the dorm specifically to give the two eldest the time and room to talk. Heeseung doesn’t need to know that.
K goes to sit down on his bed and Heeseung seems to hesitate a moment but he joins K. The mattress sinks as Heeseung sits next to him, his hands pressed together on his lap like a child who knows he’s about to be scolded. The look in his eye says the same and K wants to comfort him but they’ve got to get through this first.
“Heeseung,” K begins softly. As gently as he can. “Enhypen will debut in two days. I’m not asking for all the answers but I just want to know...what do you want from me?”
Heeseung’s eyes are big, like two bottomless depths of emotion and K finds himself wondering how someone can be so effortlessly beautiful like Heeseung is. Granted, they’re all attractive. It’s one of the unspoken things about being an idol, there’s a modicum of attractive necessary on top of actual skills. Heeseung seems to have all of it in abundance.
“I want…” Heeseung begins and just like K, he doesn’t seem to know how to say it. Or even what to say. He picks at the blankets until K has to reach a hand out to stop him.
“Talk to me,” K says as gently and patiently as he can. “Trust me.”
“I do,” Heeseung mumbles, his voice is quivering but there’s a certainty to his words. “I really do. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t debuted with us.”
K can’t help himself. His hand comes up to Heeseung’s shoulder and he feels the other stiffen as his fingers meet Heeseung’s shoulder. They trail gently down his arms and Heeseung’s eyes flutter closed. He doesn’t stop K, he just feels.
“So talk to me,” K says.
There’s a moment of silence, K trails his fingers back up Heeseung’s arm and it’s an innocent touch yet it’s so intimate it’s making both of them blush. There’s something natural about it, easy despite their nerves. Like they’re always supposed to do this.
“I’ve worked so hard for my debut,” Heeseung finally whispers. “I trained so long. I thought I’d be with TXT but…”
K doesn’t push but his hand slides up to hold Heeseung’s shoulder, as if to ground him.
“I wasn’t ready back then, I am now,” Heeseung continues, a little stronger. “Debut is within my grasp now and I won’t let it go. I never thought I’d ever want anything more than it, it’s my dream.”
Then he looks at K and K can see the windows to his soul laid bare in his eyes. Fear. Fear and something else, something K can’t name but recognizes all the same.
“The deal was, I walk into I-land and that is my chance to show them I’m ready,” he explains. “To show them I have what it takes and I fought, I really fought. But…” he falters and looks down. “But that day we all walked in, awkward and nervous and mostly strangers. I saw you and…”
K can see Heeseung’s hands fidgeting with the blankets again but he doesn’t try to stop him, he just listens.
“K, I’ve never wanted anything more than my debut,” Heeseung breathes, he sounds like he’s on the verge of tears and when he looks at K, he realises he is. “Until I saw you. And it scares me to want something more than the dream I’ve fought for but I do.”
It’s a heavy emotion but not one he bears alone. K swallows hard and he nods slowly. This is what was weighing them down, something strong, something terrifying and something neither of them are ready to explore but they must if Enhypen has any chance of survival.
“We can’t ignore it,” K tells him. “It’s not working. Enhypen needs us to be alright, they need us to be grounded.”
“We can’t ignore it but we can’t acknowledge it either,” Heeseung breathes shakily. He looks terrified again. “This could kill Enhypen. What if we’re found out? What if it doesn’t work...what if…?”
K can’t help himself. He’s smiling. Heeseung’s fears are exactly the same as his own, word for word and he can’t help but think they’re perfect together. All the signs are there, they’re made for each other, right down to the way they think.
“How about this?” K says, smiling as he leans in. “I can’t promise you the future will be easy. I can’t promise you this will work out but I can promise you that if we try ignoring it, it’s going to get worse so...let’s do something about it.”
Heeseung stares at him like he’s grown another head. “What do you mean?” he nearly stammers. “Like...like...go out?”
K laughs. “Maybe, or...maybe just acknowledge that whatever this is, we feel it together.”
On the bed, he takes Heeseung’s hand and squeezes it tight. “We don’t have to do anything. We don’t have to tell anyone and we don’t have to go out on dates or do any of those things, we’re way too busy for it anyway. But, maybe the best way to go forward with this is to just know that the feeling is mutual. When I look at you across the room, I feel warm. I feel like I’m home.”
Heeseung seems to be hanging off his every word just as tightly as he’s hanging onto K’s hand. It’s encouraging and K continues. “And when we’re alone, I just want to be near you. I don’t expect anything, I’m happy just being next to you. For now, that’s all we’ll have time to do. Is it enough?”
Heeseung nods. “It’s enough,” he whispers, his eyes are all watery again but he’s smiling. “It’s more than enough.”
This time it’s K who kisses Heeseung first. He feels the other melt into him, his free hand coming up to touch K’s face as the two finally find the peace they’ve been searching for. They’ll worry about any problems later, for now, this is all they need. It’s enough.
They make out for a few hours, happy to just drown in each other. Tangled on K’s bed, giggling into each other’s mouths and sinking their fingers into each other’s hair. Later they move to the living room where K uses Heeseung’s lap as a pillow whilst he watches Heeseung play a game on the TV.
That’s how the others find them when they finally come back from their afternoon trip.
Jay shakes Jungwon off him and flops onto the couch beside Heeseung. He doesn’t comment on K’s position, no one does but then it’s not unusual in their group to cuddle up like this.
“Multiplayer time!” Jay announces as Niki makes a beeline for the bedroom, Jungwon heads to the bathroom and Sunghoon starts on dinner with Jake.
One wouldn’t think these boys have debut in two days. One would look at the scene and see a bunch of young men like them, playing, sleeping, being teenagers and young adults and nothing would be out of the ordinary.
Except when K’s hand finds Heeseung’s and squeezes it under the table, it’s something more. Something warm. Home.
-
“Congratulations...Sunoo.”
Heeseung looks up and for a blissful moment, he doesn’t remember where he is or what’s happening. It’s not until he sees the main stage, K, Sunoo and Daniel standing there that it all hits him at once.
It’s not real. None of it was. K didn’t get into Enhypen, Sunoo did and K is standing there looking crushed, trying to be happy for Sunoo but dying inside.
Heeseung’s breath leaves his lungs, he stares helplessly and when he looks around, Jungkook is watching him calmly. He should be happy, he’s debuting, but none of them can smile. Jay is already sobbing, Niki is choking behind him and Heeseung’s gaze returns helplessly to K as a dream he’d desperately wished for fades in his memory.
-
K stays in a hotel.
After the goodbyes, Enhypen had been taken away to their new dorm. Their new life. The seven of them together and saying goodbye had been so hard. He’d had both Jay and Niki sobbing on either shoulder and he’d had to be the strong one. The one who smiled and told them they’d be okay without him. They’d shine, they’d grow and he’d watch them in the background.
It was Heeseung’s goodbye that had been the hardest. The other had cried, clung to him so hard and sobbed into his shoulder until they had to take him away.
The clock ticks beside his bed. He’s to stay here until his flight back to Japan tomorrow morning. How he’s going to face anyone is a mystery, he can barely face himself. Debut, success had been in his grasp. So close and then it faded, slipped away. The only person who can understand this kind of pain is Daniel and K is pretty sure the other is hiding away just like him.
K changes into night clothes. He sits on his bed and he doesn’t know how he’s going to sleep. Physically, he’s exhausted but mentally, he’s devastated.
Just as the clock ticks 11pm, his phone buzzes.
K misses the first call deliberately. He’s too busy lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling but the second time it buzzes, his hand reaches out to take it and bring it to his ear.
“Hello?”
“K.”
K sits up straight as though the man is in the room with him. PD Bang.
“Sir?”
“I wanted to congratulate you on your work on I-land,” the man speaks, eloquent and professional as always. “Your performance tonight was perfect and your growth on the show was a joy to watch. The experience you had on the island will hopefully benefit you for years to come.”
K doesn’t know what to say, he swallows hard and nods slowly. “Thank you sir.”
There must be a reason for him to call, He’d said all of this on the show. Though at the time everything he’d said had passed through K’s head as devastation set in.
“Though your debut will not come with Enhypen, we would be fools to let you go,” PD Bang continues, fast and businesslike. “You have proven yourself a talented artist and your talents can only shine with more practice, more training. I believe you have all the potential to become a magnificent artist in your own right. Be that solo or with another group.”
K frowns and his breath catches in his throat.
“If you’re willing to stick around in South Korea and become a BigHit trainee, I think there’s a definite future debut for you with us,” the man continues. “So, K, will you join us?”
Later, after the phone call is over and K is left staring at the wall, trying to comprehend how his life is about to change, his phone buzzes again. This time, a text. He looks down to see it buzz again, two texts.
The first, from PD Bang congratulating him for joining them and welcoming him to the BigHit community. He sends an address for the contract and future talks face to face in two days. Professional, warm and happy that he’s been able to keep K.
The second text makes K’s heart skip. It’s from Heeseung.
“Thank you for saying yes. Though you won’t be with us, you’ll be near us and I can’t wait to see your debut. :) I miss you, but I’ll see you soon. - H”
The clock ticks just past midnight and K flops back on his bed with a tired laugh. Hope sets in his heart again and excitement. Whatever the future has for him, Heeseung is in it. Debut is in it and this time, K will not let either escape.