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White leaned back in her chair and stretched her arms above her head until she heard a satisfying pop. She sighed. It had been a long day. She massaged her temple, closing her laptop and deciding that no substantial work was going to get done in this state. When she’d last glanced at the screen it had said 10:36 pm. She’d been at the office for twelve hours, managing new projects and tying up loose ends on old ones. In between that she answered phone calls, went to lunch meetings, and did everything in her power to make sure the company ran smoothly.
It was soul-sucking.
Did she enjoy BW Agency, and all its success? Yes, of course. She’d built this company from the ground up at her kitchen table when she was just a teenager. Now she was sitting in her sleek, modern, private office, thirty-seven floors above the vibrant streets of Castelia City. What was there to complain about? She was doing perfectly fine. More than fine, she was doing fantastic! Most of all, she finally had something to show for all her hard work.
She stood up and stared at the door. It was right there. She could walk through it whenever she wanted, ride the elevator down to the lobby, and be on her way home.
White reached to pick up her bag but her hand did little more than shake lamely at her side, like every nerve in her body was screaming at her that no, picking up the bag was bad. She gritted her teeth, feeling her breath quicken and tears prick her eyes as she tried to fight against her instincts.
This is ridiculous, she thought to herself. What do I have to be afraid of? I’ve looked death in the eye many times before. I just need to leave.
She tried again and again, each time feeling that pit of apprehension open up in her stomach once more. It was as though an invisible force held her back whenever she tried to leave and paralyzed her with fear.
Frustrated, White reached for her belt and grabbed a red-and-white ball. Her Serperior came out and gave her a small, enigmatic smile. She pet the grass snake’s head, turning to face the full-length window behind her.
Castelia truly was a beautiful city. From her office she could look down on the sea of golden lamps and bright neon signage indicating karaoke bars and trendy restaurants; hundreds of little specks milled around, darting in and out of buildings or stopping at the many market stalls. Even in February the nightlife never took a break. The lights scattered like a kaleidoscope as they passed through the window and washed over her and Amanda’s faces.
“It’s so beautiful at night,” she muttered under her breath. “We could stay here all night and look at it, couldn’t we?”
Amanda was unamused. White frowned.
“You know what?” She reached for her Xtransceiver, scrolling through the contacts before she found the right one. “I need to talk to someone first. Then we’ll go.”
She felt the device ringing against her wrist. Out of habit she tucked away her flyaway hairs before the camera turned on. It’s not like he would’ve cared about it, or even taken notice. She cared, though.
“Hello?” Her heart skipped a beat. His voice was as soft as she’d remembered. Not soft as in quiet, but soft as in gentle. Serene. It felt like laying down in a field of tall, silky grass on an overcast spring day. She kept a composure, putting on a smile.
“Hi, N. Do you have a second?”
“Yes, of course.” He angled his wrist downward, showing the sleeping Purrloin on his lap. “Is everything alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Perfectly fine. Just wanted to, you know, catch up.” White felt her face heat up just beneath her eyes. She blinked away the tears before they had a chance to form, distracting herself by petting Amanda’s head.
“Okay,” he said. “Well, I’ve been doing pretty alright. I’m traveling right now.”
“Traveling? Around Unova?”
“Yes, just for the next few months. And how’s your agency?”
“We’re doing great. Amanda and I were just finishing up some paperwork.” At the sound of her name, the Serperior pulled herself into view of the Xtransceiver and smiled at N.
“Hello, Amanda,” N said. “Glad to see you’re doing well.”
“Yes, she just starred in a commercial,” White said proudly. “Maybe you’ll see it during your travels.”
“I hope so. And how are you doing, White?”
“I told you, I’m fine. We’re providing talent for an event in Kalos next month and I’ve been working to get everything coordinated. Maybe I’ll finally get to travel with them. And after that we’re going to work on a new film with Brycen. It’ll be a big opportunity for the company.”
“No, I meant how are you?”
“Oh.” White scratched the back of her ponytail. “You know, um, fine. Tired, though. I’ve been spending a lot of time working. Gotta make sure everything goes as planned, you know?”
He nodded, remaining silent as he tended to the Purrloin in his lap. There was still a small smile on his face. It looked so natural, so effortless, so counter to what White was feeling. In the window’s reflection she saw her own weary smile. Yes, she’d managed to contort the edges of her face, maybe bear a few teeth and let her cheeks dimple, but it felt wrong. There was no spark in her eyes, no dream to light up her face.
“Actually,” she piped up. N looked at the screen again, the smile fading and being replaced with an expression of concern. “No, I’m… I wanted to talk to you about something. Something personal.”
“Oh, um, I’m sorry. What did you need?”
White took a breath in, feeling a violent sob build up in her chest. She kept it down, just feeling her face flush.
“I just haven’t felt right lately. Like I’m not sleeping, and I can’t focus, and I… I don’t know, something’s wrong.”
“Have you seen a doctor? Or maybe a therapist?”
“No, N. Who do I ask? I-I can’t just bring it up like it’s nothing. And I have so much to do.”
“The company will understand if you take a sick day.”
White got quiet for a second. She didn’t take sick days, it just wasn’t how she operated. Who else would take calls, coordinate events, process the payroll? There were other employees but they all had their own jobs. It just wouldn’t be fair.
“I can’t right now,” she said. “It’s just too busy, I can’t do that to everyone.”
“Hmm.” He pursed his lips. “Maybe you could talk to Black.”
Of course. Of course he brought him up because who else would she normally go to about things like this? The man she hadn’t spoken to in years? Who’d watched her fall out of a Ferris wheel and forced her into one of her darkest, most vulnerable moments?
“I already ask so much of him,” White said. She let her wrist drop to her side, hoping N hadn’t seen the tears beginning to stream down her face. Amanda nuzzled the back of her hand, trying in vain to comfort her trainer. “I can’t be a burden to him. He does so much for me every single day. What right do I have to force all this onto him?”
“He’s your friend,” N said, still in that soft voice. “He cares about you, I’ve seen it firsthand.”
N was right, even if she couldn’t bring herself to admit it. Black did care about her. He would’ve been a therapist, a replacement, whatever she needed without a second thought. But that’s exactly what troubled her—it would’ve been so easy to take advantage of his kindness.
“White, are you still there?” She looked down at the Xtransceiver, letting him see her puffy red eyes.
“Yeah.” White sat down, not in the chair but on the floor, and let Amanda spread out across her lap. Her breath hitched and her face burned as tears threatened to erupt form her eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Nothing’s wrong—”
“Clearly something is,” she said, harsher than she would’ve liked and immediately wishing she could’ve taken it back. However, she continued. “It’s like this… I feel like I can’t breathe, like something is squeezing my chest really hard. And other times it’s like there’s something really cold eating away at me. Or I’m really tired, no matter what I do.”
“Okay then,” N said. He let out a contemplative hmmm. “You’re sure it’s nothing physical?”
“No, the doctor said I was perfectly fine last time I went. And I’m able to do everything I normally would so nothing should be wrong.” White felt her face heat up again. She tried to speak quicker and beat the tears that she knew would come. “I couldn’t leave this stupid office without feeling like that. Every fucking time I have that— that feeling, and I get scared and I stay here super late even though I’m supposed to be up early and it doesn’t make any sense, because I—”
“Are you done working for tonight?” he interrupted. She nodded. “Okay, good. Just breathe for now, can you do that?”
White fought to control her quick, shallow breaths and the tears that soon streamed down her face. Even with N’s encouraging words she couldn’t grasp onto a rhythm, couldn’t keep herself from sobbing long enough to make sense of her thoughts.
“I can’t,” she gasped between the tears.
“Yes you can. Just take it slow, okay?”
“N, what am I doing?”
“You’re talking to me.”
“No, I mean what am I doing? Why am I—” She coughed, choking on a particularly violent sob. “I don’t deserve any of this. I get stressed out and I’m crying and there’s still so much work to do. I can’t, I can’t!”
“You’re going to be okay, White,” he soothed. “I’m here. Amanda’s here.” The Serperior nuzzled against her arm, looking up at White with hopeful eyes. She could hardly see through the tears but buried her face in her Pokemon and wailed. She wailed, not even recognizing the visceral sound as her own voice, until her throat was sore and she was forced to breathe.
“That’s it, in and out.” White felt the dread in her chest slowly fade with each breath. She wiped away tears with the sleeve of her blouse until they too stopped falling.
“Don’t leave me,” she said quietly, her voice still small and strained.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said reassuringly.
N stayed on the line, talking White through packing up her things and putting on her coat. Whenever she felt herself about to relapse he was there, reminding her to breathe. Amanda would slither over to her whenever her chest began to heave or her knees felt weak. She braced herself on them until her strength recovered.
“I’m heading downstairs.” White slung her bag over her shoulder, standing solidly before the door. She took a deep, heavy breath before opening it and walking to the elevator.
“Do you still want me here?” N asked.
“If it’s not too much trouble,” she said. Amanda rushed to the elevator, tapping the call button with her snout.
“It’s never too much trouble.”
The elevator arrived with a pleasant ding. White stepped in, leaning against the wall and watching the numbers count down: 37, 36, 35…
“Can you promise me one thing?” She looked at the Xtransceiver, seeing N. He looked serious, almost upset. “It doesn’t have to be tonight, or even tomorrow. But make sure you talk to someone about this.”
White didn’t respond. She looked up at the numbers again, trying to avoid N’s stern gaze. 22, 21, 20…
“Talk to your friends, at least. Talk to Black.”
“I can handle myself,” she said.
“For how long?” he asked. “He’ll want to help you, even if it just means listening.”
White felt Amanda’s head against her hand. She gave her Serperior a reassuring rub, trying to agree with N’s words. It was okay to talk to her friends—to talk to Black—about this. She wouldn’t be bothering them. Talking to them would be perfectly fine.
“Okay.” She heard the elevator ding and the doors slide open. “I’ll talk to him tomorrow. Goodbye, N. And thank you for everything.”
“It was my pleasure, White.” Click.
White walked through the lobby, waving to the security guard as she exited the building. She looked up at the bright neon lights reflecting off the snow flurries. They tickled her face, making her blink to avoid catching one in her eye. In that brief moment she couldn’t feel any of the dread or anxiety of the past twenty minutes; it melted away like the snowflakes that hit her cheeks. She looked down at Amanda, giving a weak yet genuine smile to her companion.
“Come on.” White felt a stray tear—or maybe a snowflake that had already melted—run down her face but her smile stayed unwavering. “I’m tired. Let’s go home.”