Work Text:
He was nowhere near done— the boxes are all still untaped, the rooms were only half-empty, there are still a bajillion of things scattered on the floor, and the attic, he had not yet touch the attic.
So Joshua places the box he's currently holding back down to the floor with all the other boxes, deciding to first get everything down from the attic then he'll start taping. He slightly jogged towards the left side of the room, tripping on a stray thing here and there, then he grabbed by the handle on the ceiling, pulled it down until it was properly a stair.
He stepped on slowly, his steps echoing in the quiet, reminding him that he's alone. He sighed, still hesitant on the fact of transferring back to his parents to leave this house he had been saving for for years.
He sighed again, he knows his parents meant good, there was no more reason for staying anyway.
He reached the last ladder step and felt the slightly uneven floor made of not-so-fine wood touch his foot. He blindly reached for the light switch and pressed it on.
The light revealed a really dusty room, all things arranged in a way that spelled mess and inorganization, boxes are piled up on the corners, thank goodness, but some still messily layed on the floor.
Joshua sighed, he's been doing that a lot since five years ago and he can't seem to stop. Well, he has a good amount of workload here, so he decides he has to start or say goodbye to these things.
He slowly paced to the right, where a mess of unused fabric meant to be curtains were piled messily, gosh they're not even folded, he giggled for a bit then looked around the place, it was dirty, and bare, and unfamiliar.
And so he wondered why he felt like a stranger in a place that he called his. Theirs to be exact. Him and Jeonghan's.
And then he remembered.
Ah.
It was supposed to be Jeonghan's place, he remembered Jeonghan's widespread arms and tight closed eyes when he first took a step on this room, he immediately called it his. He used to run around the first few days, filling the room with necessary things, then the next day, he was comfortably sitting cross-legged holding a paint brush, a little canvas in front of him and a few meters away, Joshua, holding still for hours because he was his model. He always was, of course.
He folded the fabrics and focused his attention on the packing, picking a few common unused things, and meeting an old shirt he thought he already lost.
The saga continued for minutes long, he stood up to see on top view how he managed to clean almost a quarter of the room, which is not much honestly, but still.
He continued to pace around, packing means cleaning the lot, not just the quarter.
When he looked to his left, his eyes met a piece of cheap-looking plastic airplane laying free on the floor, teasingly illuminated by a spotlight from the open window.
His heart clenched.
He picked it up almost hurriedly and dusted it with his hands, then he wiped his hands on his black jeans leaving a white spot, but he couldn't care. This was the part of the unpacking that was always hard to bear, the hardest to bear. Because it was always hard to remember, to remember how something was yours until it isn't.
Jeonghan always wanted to fly a plane, to be a pilot. So when they found this red-yellow toy airplane on one of those moving shops, Jeonghan immediately grabbed his wallet to purchase it. After the moving store moved, Joshua scolded Jeonghan for using his last money on a useless toy, but Jeonghan smiled and said he wanted it, and when Joshua continued whining, Jeonghan gave up and told him that the real reason was he wanted to at least help the old lady by at least buying a thing, the store was still full, and the lady already looked tired, so he bought it to help. Joshua thought that was that too, when one evening after school, Jeonghan came banging to his doorstep, showing him his improved version of the toy plane, Joshua remembered vividly the older smiled that day, always beautiful, Joshua grabbed the toy and argued about Jeonghan not even changing a thing, but when Jeonghan told him to look inside, Joshua saw two small toy dolls sitting inside the toy airplane, one sitting on the pilot's chair, and one a few chairs sitting behind, and Jeonghan have just made his dream.
"I'm the pilot. And one day, I'll make you sit on one of those VIP seats."
Joshua wetly laughed at the memory, gosh, are these tears? He still remembered taking Jeonghan to one of those virtual reality be-a-pilot game on that famous arcade because Jeonghan cried on his shoulder one night when his parents told him he couldn't be a pilot.
Joshua cried some more until he can already feel his tears pass through his jeans to his skin. He breathed and calmed himself to try and fix his composure. Placing the toy airplane gently on one of the spacious boxes, he took one last look and started to move the other things again.
Of course that crying happened more frequent than Joshua wanted too, he should've seen this coming though, considering that this is Jeonghan's place. It was good though, the memories were good to remember, when things like Jeonghan's first camera or Jeonghan's first failed film came to Joshua's grasp, he liked to close his eyes and reminisce like he was really in the moment, but when he opens his eyes, he'll cry and cry and cry, opening his eyes and seeing the view of the dusty attic means that's what all they were— memories. Just bottled snippets of moments stored tightly but gently, so as not to spill a small amount of content, Joshua doesn't want to forget, yet he feels hesitant on remembrance too.
Bloody hell.
He needs to pack quickly, he'll die from dehydration seeing from the amount of tears he had shed.
He stumbles to a few more tear-inflicting things and some that makes no sense at all, when he looked up the next time, majority of the room was piled and cleaned, just a few more bibidi-bobidi and he's done.
He proceeded on the last corner of the room, where a few boxes piled atop each other and a thing laid on top of it.
A mixtape?
Joshua never saw this before, but so are some of the other things, but this one in particular, he has a bad feeling about this.
He turned the mixtape on the other side and his eyes immediately bulged and he almost threw the mixtape, good thing he has a good grip. On the back of it, on a piece of masking tape, using a permanent ink pen were words written in all caps and in unwrongingly Jeonghan's penmanship:
MY SEX TAPE: CONTAINS ADULT CONTENTS WATCH AT YOUR OWN RISK
Yoon Jeonghan!
He badly wanted to scream, he wanted to throw the mixtape and burn it but he also badly wanted to watch it and ugh damn the perverted part of his mind.
Anyway, it was Jeonghan, his lover, his husband, it's not like he haven't seen anything out of that sort before, it won't be bad to see it. But it was Jeonghan and the tape said ADULT CONTENT and Jeonghan had usually addressed him as 'Baby' and what the heck.
He looked at the room, sure as hell standing with red-tipped ears, red-tinged cheeks, and anyway, he was red. He scanned the place, and confirmed that hey, he was almost finished, he'll have nothing to do afterwards.
So... the tape wrote 'watch at your own risk' so it was kinda expecting an audience, and Joshua instantly assumed he was the audience, because who on Earth would Jeonghan want to see it besides him? Jeonghan wasn't that kind, so it's definitely meant to be watched by him, if he got the odds right anyway.
So he tentatively tucked the mixtape on one of his jeans' side pockets for the mean time while he brings the things that he had packed back down to the house floor.
When he got all the boxes out, he immediately took his TV and player out of their respective boxes. It took him a whole 15 minutes to set the whole thing back again. When he's done, he also took some blankets and pillows out too, better be comfortable now, he's sure he won't be watching anything of this sort on his parents' flat.
He was still a bit hesitant but decided against his doubts. He was eaten by his curiosity on what the hell was the content exactly, so here goes everything.
Turning the lights off, he slid the mixtape to the player, watching as it comically unravelled its tight grey ribbons slowly.
He stepped back and tucked into his pillow-made abode as he grabbed the remote control and turned the TV on, it should be the one you turn on first, but it still works nonetheless.
The tape continued rolling and the television started to illuminate the room, their shared room. Gosh, he misses Jeonghan.
The screen showed a number, 5? Yes, 5, and hell, he was both scared and confused to the eternal possibilities a number could hold, it can't be? What? He doesn't know as well.
The number stayed on the screen for five whole seconds as well, he laughed at the wittiness and the dumbness of the logic, when he turned back to the screen he heard it before he saw it.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way~
No. It was not a Christmas kink or whatnot.
There were voices singing. And not just voices. Children's voices. He sticked his eyes on the screen, there were children dressed in red, lined up neatly on the stage, they were not as good as professional singers, nor could they actually sing a passable note, but together, they sounded sweet, sweet and innocent, and although Joshua's already 34, he can't actually forget that moment.
The first moment he sang with Jeonghan.
He closed his eyes, but even still, his tears spilled, when he found this 'sex tape' on the attic, he thought it'd be the end of his crying saga, but you already know what happened.
Ah...Jeonghan, that bastard.
He laughed bitterly and his wet and swollen eyes were trained on the screen, little Jeonghan was quite chubby with a quite detailed eyebrow, he still remembers how they first met and the mess that it caused. He was five, obviously, and they were in the middle of an art class draw-your-family activity and they have to color it, but Joshua's color was incomplete and didn't have the red one so he turned to his back and whispered to the boy behind him to let him borrow his red, but so it seemed that the boy didn't hear him at all, because when his palm touched the red, he felt a sharp pain in his palm, he immediately took it off and started crying while he looked at the boy who just glares back at him. Turned out he was stabbed by a not-so -sharp pencil, he bled but it was already fine. When their parents were called for, Jeonghan's parents gave him lecturing, and when Jeonghan's mother told them that they should be friends, Jeonghan took it seriously.
So that's how they started being JeonghanandJoshua, when he looked back at the screen, he smiled as he saw how they were standing closely right next to each other, giggling when one accidentally got his part wrong. He quite remembered the teacher moving them apart but then Jeonghan throwed a tantrum so. Oh, how he misses those times. How he misses their innocence. How he misses Jeonghan.
-on a one horse open sleigh~
The audience clapped and soon the screen turned dark, his eyes were continuously dripping and his cries now turned audible. He mumbled on his sleeve "I miss you, Jeonghan." with trembling lips, he really really missed him.
The TV was now flashing the number 6, and he learned that they were numbers for their age. Whether he watched while crying or cried while watching, no one knows. But he watched, that's for sure, this time it was when he remembered Jeonghan's mother filming them while they sloppily ate their pancakes. Joshua doesn't know that even that can make him cry.
Tears later.
Numbers later.
7
8
9
10, the screen flashed the number 10, and he vividly remembers that scene quite well. The screen shakes, or the video does, they were on a bike ride and Jeonghan was allowed to bring his mother's phone to take videos of his first ride on his brand new bicycle. Joshua already has a bicycle by that time too, so they decided on biking together, but accidents usually happen on first times, because Joshua's not that skilled of a biker and he pressed the brakes far too late, the next thing he knew, he was lurching on the side walk, clutching his bleeding knees, and Jeonghan, Jeonghan stepped out of his bike, looking worried as hell, he reaches to his pockets and found a small towel for his sweat, he folded it and wrapped it around Joshua's knee, Joshua gasped and yelped in pain but Jeonghan told him that it would be okay, and he was young so he believed him, when Jeonghan held his arms to help him up, he released a pained gasp. Jeonghan immediately inspected his arm and saw a small scratch, he tsked and they locked eyes, they were 10 back then, but Joshua could swear he felt his heart skip a beat and his stomach churn uncomfortably, they locked eyes again and this time, Jeonghan broke it to gently blow on his wounds. Joshua looked at him, and he can't breathe, he was scared, so with his bleeding knees, he ran fast so he could go home, only to find that he was in the wrong direction and he still ended up riding back home with Jeonghan's bike. When he told his mother, his mother laughed and told him complicated stuff that only years too late did he find the meaning, "Joshua, dear, that's the first step." - to falling in love, he replied years later.
11
12
13
14
When the screen flashed '15', it was his birthday, the one he thought was his loneliest one, because his parents left home for business in the States and he accepted that fact, he was used to it anyway, they were doing it for him etcetera etcetera, but Jeonghan was not having any of it. He got his mother drive them to some arcade and his mom even played with them and was also the one who payed everything, after that, they grabbed fast food dinner and had ice cream for dessert. They got home full and happy, he didn't need those fancy parties to label this one as a Happy Birthday. After that, out of cam already, Jeonghan begged his mother to stay on Joshua's and his mother agreed, reminding him to brush his teeth, and by the time he was out the door, Jeonghan was holding three boxes. And Joshua only knew what was inside them when they got to his bedroom. The biggest one was a cake, Jeonghan claiming it was not a birthday without it, lighting the candles 1 and 5, he closed his eyes and wished that he could keep Jeonghan for the rest of his life. The second to the biggest box was filled with four thick comics, and Joshua remembered screaming and hugging Jeonghan tightly, saying that he doesn't have to do it and Jeonghan saying that his mom payed for it anyway. The last box though, Joshua was in tears, it wasn't because it was an iPod and he wanted it all his life, but because the iPod was filled with his playlist, all accurate and complete, Jeonghan knew him too well, it also came with a headset and they listened to it while they celebrated his birthday some more and played some more until they passed out. What Joshua didn't know until the morning though, is when he reached the end of the playlist, Jeonghan added a recording, it was a song he composed himself for Joshua and if he thinks it was not enough to make Joshua cry, he also added a heartbeat-speeding, food-spitting, spoon-falling, dish-breaking message about their friendship through the years and a couple of millions of platonic 'I love you's.
Joshua smiled bitterly, he still had the iPod, he still remembers breaking down in front of a technical-fixer-ish guy because he accidentally dropped it and it won't open after and he cried and cried and cried because he thought he broke it. He thought he lost that cheesy song and long-ass message Jeonghan gave him, and he could not take that. The guy fixed it though, he didn't drop it that hard. He misses Jeonghan. He really really does.
When the screen flashed '16', it was Jeonghan's birthday and this time, Joshua remembers that he was the one holding the camera, they planned a surprise party that went really well back then. He remembered how Jeonghan had cried his eyes out because he thought Joshua forgot his birthday, they celebrated the whole day, and as per tradition, the night was meant for only the both of them, he remembered being totally shy when he told Jeonghan he didn't compose a song for him but that he mastered the guitar and so he'll sing his first song to Jeonghan, it was almost 12 when Joshua gave Jeonghan his gift, and Jeonghan had started crying again, he scolded Joshua for buying such an expensive gift but Joshua told him his mother payed for the half anyway. It was a digital camera, the one Joshua found in the attic minutes ago, it was not the best of all the brands, but they were 16 and Joshua knew Jeonghan's love for photography, so he saved for a year and more to buy him that— it was worth it.
Joshua closed his eyes to remember, he hated it when he forgets small passing moments, he hated how bad he was at memorizing the anatomy of the human body. He knows he's not good at this— but for five years he had tried his hardest to be good at something that he's not. Because he wants to remember, he wants to remember Jeonghan and all the small and insignificant details of his lover, because all of those, they're not enough, Joshua was full of love and all those years, all those years he had with Jeonghan, they were just not enough containers for a huge amount of emotion. Gosh, he really misses Jeonghan.
Gosh, can't I just see him sooner.
He wants to see him again, everytime he looks at the glass container filled with coins, he wants to see him again, so bad.
He still remembers how that glass container started to fill with contents, when they were 6, Jeonghan gave him a coin for his birthday because he can't think of anything else, and ever since, Jeonghan gave him a coin for every birthday he has, and Joshua was excited, it was a small container, he was excited to see it full of coins and visioned himself and Jeonghan looking at it somewhere in their shared desk when they both turn 90.
The container was never filled again.
Instead, each year it was removed a content. Every year Joshua would give a coin back to Jeonghan, and he wishes, he really does, that by the time the glass container turns empty, he would be with him again.
The screen now flashed the number '17', and by that time, Joshua's shirt was long damp with tears, sometimes he looks at the screen intently, sometimes he closes his eyes, but mostly he ducks on his knees, crying quietly as if someone could actually hear him.
Joshua freshly remembers how the year when they were seventeen was both the worst but also one of the best years of his life. It was the best because it was the first time Jeonghan kissed him and he remembers the feeling, the feeling of inexperienced lips merely grazing his own, it was, on other's statistics, one of the worst kiss you can see, but to Joshua, it was the best, and not a single passionate kiss can beat its title. He closed his eyes, feeling the memory as if it's a moment in the present, but then the tears started to roll again. It was the worst year because it was also the year that they found out that Jeonghan was sick. The small bruises magically appearing back then was now visible to anyone with eyes, and back then, Jeonghan's smile, though always filled with emotions, turned weak and sometimes forced.
But the video that played on the screen showed none of the sad though, it played that one moment when they were already dating, the awfully romantic dance they choreographed themselves and jokingly filmed together, Joshua still remembers the steps— one two three, one two three, one two three, they were so happy back then, and Joshua figured, that the 'sex tape' was filled with nothing but happy memories they kept together, memories that Joshua knew, Jeonghan only wanted him to remember, memories that Joshua finds, are enough to cover the bad, they were happy back then, and so he should remember that.
The screen showed '18', and even though the years after 17 was hard, Jeonghan still found a memory that was happy. The camera was now held by Joshua's mother, the music in the background the familiar tune of graduation, so they were done with high school, and Joshua can't forget Jeonghan's wide smile when he held that rolled diploma, Jeonghan was the happiest back then, because he knew that it was his last day of school and the high school diploma would be the last rolled paper that he would receive, but Jeonghan, Jeonghan found happiness in that.
"Imagine not waking at 6 o'clock anymore for the rest of my life!"
And at that same year, Joshua found out that Jeonghan was getting worse with his disease, the last year of high school just a weak attempt to finish something, and Joshua was crying back then, but he never let Jeonghan know, he cried the hardest back then, then he knew he had to do something.
Being 18 years old means getting legal, so when Joshua had the chance, he kneeled in front of Jeonghan's hospital bed without a ring, everybody was surprised, even he was surprised, but he knew he wanted Jeonghan and he can't let him go. Jeonghan cried the hardest this time and Joshua had to remind him to breathe, Jeonghan said no at first because he said he'll only hurt Joshua more, but when Joshua jokingly threatened to pull his IV off, Jeonghan knew Joshua wasn't scared of the possibilities.
The screen flashed '19' and it was their wedding, surprisingly for the both of them, both their parents immediately agreed on the marriage, their faces masked with smiles that underneath says go on, you don't have much time.
"I do."
Joshua remembered how those two words changed his life, the years afterwards, he took them hard. He was an engineering student who was a married man and has a sick husband. One day he remembers giving up, but then he remembers how Jeonghan was taking the harder part, although Jeonghan wears pretty smiles and says inspiring words, at night on their shared bedroom, when he thought Joshua was sleeping, he would silently cry and Joshua would wait for him to finish so he could change Jeonghan's damp shirt.
Jeonghan took it harder.
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
All those years, it was nothing but hard, Jeonghan could barely get out of the hospital and he barely stayed at their shared house, but when they do share the bed, Joshua would fall asleep on thin arms encircling his waist. They were hard years, for Joshua, for Jeonghan, but they managed, the video showed snippets of their domestic lives, a video showed Joshua being painted by Jeonghan with weak arms, another was a video filled with silent 'I love you's from Jeonghan's voice while he filmed Joshua sleeping right beside him probably around daybreak, there's also a video of Joshua's graduation, of the day they both planned their dream house, of the day the house started building, and of the day the house was built.
Joshua wanted to scream, to cry, to just bloody let it all out, he misses Jeonghan, so, so much, but he can't do anything. He saw him right beside him just now, Jeonghan sat beside him, napping on his shoulders and occasionally wiping Joshua's tears, but when Joshua reached out, he touched air and saw nothing, because Jeonghan wasn't here, but he badly, badly wanted to be with him.
When the '29' flashed the screen, Joshua badly wanted to turn the TV off, to just escape the wound that it could possibly give, but Joshua ignored how tight his chest was and remembered how Jeonghan bothered to compile such videos, so he doesn't move his hand closer to the remote control, instead, he takes a deep breath and intently eyed the screen.
But when the video started playing again, he was almost crushed and surprised at the same time, of all the compiled videos, this was the only one where Jeonghan showed his vulnerability, the camera faced towards him, his lips were pale, his undereyes are dark, and his eyes were definitely tired. Jeonghan was tired. It was the year when Jeonghan, after years of fighting, finally got tired.
"Hey Joshua, Shua, Joshuji, Baby, if you're watching this right now, then I think you're a pervert ew, you watched it because you thought it was a sex tape, right? Yuck."
Joshua laughed at that, Jeonghan knew him all too well to the point that he knows how to manipulate Joshua's curiosity.
"So anyway, I may or may not be there once you watch this, and you may or may not be crying hard."
Joshua laughed some more, he knows he'll make him cry, but he still edited this video, what a bastard.
"Shua-yah~ I made this one so you don't forget about me, because when we watched 'Coco', I got scared to be forgotten. But I know you won't of course, you'll never forget me, you promised.
"But this, this is how I want you to remember me, I know we both now that my time's almost up so there's no more denying.
"I just wanted you to know that I loved you all my life and that I fell for you when we were 13, I wanted to thank you for marrying me even I'm... like this, you know you deserve better but you fell for me.
"I wanted you to see this so you'll know that I'm still there beside you even when I'm not. I love you.
"I love you. I love you. I love you. But sorry that I can't love you for long, I know this might be selfish, but
"Love me even when I'm not there Shua, please, fill the times when I'm not there to love you anymore.
"I'm not saying that you can't love someone again, you should, but please, before that happens, continue to love me please, because I don't know what's there, but what if souls feel it?
"I love you Shua, I- this isn't enough, but I just want to tell you that I love you so so much, so so much.
"And I filmed this too just so you know that there's no actual sex tape. Mwah. Bye~"
Joshua clutched down, bye, he mumbled on his damp jeans, he hates himself for being such a coward and not finding it earlier because memories filled the attic.
He cried some more but his sobs were quiet, he turned to the screen and before the screen was filled with static worms, the screen flashed an infinity sign, how cheesy.
He giggled a bit, though it's kinda hard with your nose being clogged, but he giggles and stands up, he took the iPod that Jeonghan gave him, he didn't turn the TV off, but he fell asleep on his favorite song playing on loop, it was Jeonghan's self-composed song:
For some reason, sometimes, suddenly
I keep thinking these days
How happy I am, how beautiful you are
About us, who is second to none
If we ever become unhappy
Some day
If we become apart
What do I do?
Of course, that won't happen
I don't even wanna think about this
But sometimes I do
I hope you don't
I can smile because we're together
I can cry because it's you
So what can't I do?
Whenever, wherever
Even if we're not together, just like always
Our smile flowers bloom
I'll be the spring to your smile
I always
Only receive from you
So I'm so thankful and sorry
To the point of tears
I wanna hug you
But I feel nervous for some reason
Why am I hesitating?
I don't wanna be like this
Just like the sky is high and the wind is cold
Like the ocean is wide and blue
I'm afraid that
I'll take you for granted
I think that's why I'm being like this
I'm nervous about that
What if I lose you?
I hope you don't feel the same
I can smile because we're together
I can cry because it's you
So what can't I do?
Don't say it's the end
Forever
Because I'll stay by your side
Whatever happens
Just like always, we'll be together
Don't say it's the end
Forever
Whatever happens, just like always
Our smile flowers will bloom
Whenever, wherever
Even if we're not together, just like always
Our smile flowers bloom
I'll be the spring to your smile
Joshua woke up to a phone call with his mother.
"Joshua? Where are you? I thought you'd be here an hour ago?
Joshua scanned his surrounding, he has stopped packing, all the boxes were still scattered and the television was still filled with static worms. So he smiled.
"I think I'm staying, mom."
And Joshua hungs up, the iPod was still playing Jeonghan's sweet voice, and he looked around again, everywhere there are traces of Jeonghan, the attic, the floor, the walls, so he wondered why he thought there was no reason to stay at all, when from the start, Jeonghan was beside him because of these.
And he remembers Jeonghan's words I'm not saying that you can't love someone again, you should,, and he confidently promises that he will not love again.
Because when you love again, that means you stopped feeling the recent love, but Joshua, Joshua still loves Jeonghan.
And he won't stop until the glass container turns empty or even when its glass rots.
Because he loves Jeonghan.